It Had To Be Over
by Bensler
Summary: Olivia and Elliot have to make some heart wrenching decisions Post Paternity. Definitely EO eventually, but with some twists and turns! Olivia and Dean pairing off and on making for a jealous El. FINAL Chapter, 25 posted January 13, 2008
1. Remember

**It Had to be Over by Bensler**

**A/N:** Have always loved to write. This is my first try at fiction. Never saw SVU until about a year ago when I was laid up sick. Now I am totally hooked. Hope you like it.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Law & Order: SVU. If I did, I would make my story line, Seasons 11 and 12!

**Chapter One Remember**

It had to be over. She had known for a long time now but could never make herself admit it. If she admitted it, she would be forced to make some hard decisions. It was so much easier to ignore and pretend nothing had changed between them than to face it and all the pain that would ensue with that acknowledgment. But the fact was that everything had changed even before he had gone back to his estranged wife. She knew that day in the courthouse when he told her Kathy was pregnant that things between them would never be the same. She knew when he looked at her in disbelief that she could even question what he would do, that somehow, someway she needed to let him go. She had to let him go. For her own survival, she had to start learning to live her life without him as her center, her rock, her world. She could not remember when he became all those things, could not even remember her life before he was all those things, so just how was she suppose to remember how to live without him now.

She thought back on her first day at the SVU, sitting in Cragen's office while he was filling her in how things were done at the 1-6. As the Captain told her that her partner was a seasoned detective with several years experience in the unit, she began forming a picture of him, and in her mind all she could see was a short, older guy, that was probably out of shape and wore wrinkled shirts and pants that were too short. Just then Cragen's door opened and a tall man not much older than her, stepped in, speaking to the Captain. Cragen nodded toward him and then introduced them to each other saying, Detective Elliot Stabler, meet your new partner, Detective Olivia Benson. He was dressed in a dark brown suit, medium blue shirt with a tie that had some kind of brown and blue design. He was handsome in a rugged sort of way, trim and very muscled, short brown hair, nothing like her mental image of him. He had a beautiful smile. Well, maybe it was more of a smirk. He seemed somewhat arrogant, cocky even, and she bet he could be hard to be around at times but he did seem friendly. When he shook her hand she found herself looking into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She wondered if the blue of his shirt just made his eyes seem more blue than they really were, but whatever their color, it did not matter. As they looked into one another's eyes, the sense of connection was immediate, not as though they were strangers meeting for the first time, but instead, friends from long ago that had spent a lifetime looking for each other.

She thought back on that first day and the years since and tried so hard to figure out just when it was she fell in love with him, her partner, her best friend. Tried to figure out just when it was that she began to compare every man she dated to Elliot, only to find them lacking not for who they were but for who they were not. For so long he had been so many things to her, things she had never had in her life. Sometimes he acted like he was the father she never had, concerned that she wasn't eating enough, sleeping properly or balancing work with personal time. Other times he was like an older brother, giving her advice on guys, helping her over rough times, protecting her...but always, always he was her friend, best friend...whether is was to talk or just sit with her in silence, somehow knowing exactly what was going on in her mind. Yes, he was there for her no matter what. Just like she was there for him. They could have whole conversations with just a few looks and she was the only one who was not put off by his violent rages and temper. She knew she had a calming affect on him...maybe not lately but most of the time...just a hand to his arm or shoulder or her nickname for him, El, spoken quietly and he visibly settled down. She provided a stability that he lacked but desperately needed.

She tried to figure out why, when she realized her feelings for him had changed, why she did not tell him. He had been separated almost two years and was well on his way to being single. Surely, she could have found it in her at some point during that time to tell him. Oh, if only she had, maybe, just maybe things would be so different now. The effect he had on her scared the hell out of her...he scared the hell out of her. She loved the partnership, friendship they had and the thought of taking it to a new level and then having it come apart, left her feeling numb inside. She could not risk losing his friendship by being his lover. But what if it could work out? Maybe it was worth the risk. She knew he felt something for her, too. That much was clear after the Gitano case. But, no, instead of facing this thing, whatever it was, between them head on, she decided it was just too complicated and she ran away from him not once but twice. If she had told him of her feelings instead of trying to make sense of something so illogical as love, if she had even realized or been willing to admit it was love she was feeling, she would not be here now, heartbroken over him. If she wasn't so hell bent on figuring things out first, he would have turned to her for comfort after Malcom Royce killed his family instead finding it by falling into bed with his soon to be ex-wife. The divorce papers had been signed, sealed and delivered. They were just waiting for it to become final. Why, Elliot, why?

He had to go back. It was the honorable thing to do, the good Catholic thing to do and the only thing he could do because she was, after all, pregnant with their fifth child. He had to take responsibility for his actions. Yea, he had told Kathy he wanted to come home months ago, but when they never seemed to be able to settle on a definite time, he began to question if that was what he really wanted. Somewhere along the way things had changed between he and Olivia, his partner of eight years. Somewhere along the way things had become, as Liv always said, complicated. Now anything that might have been between them was over even before it truly began. It had to be over. But she was his air, his foundation, every beat of his heart. Would someone please tell him how to live without that, without her?

From day one of their partnership, they just clicked. He remembered going into Cragen's office to meet his new partner. Less than thrilled about getting a female partner, he was told she was young but had more commendations than most police officers do by the end of their careers. He conjured up the image of a homely, tomboyish girl, who would be a Miss-Know-It-All, not to mention a pain in the butt. As he opened the door, he saw her sitting there, but she stood almost immediately and with a confidence that surprised him, came toward him when Cragen began the introductions. She was tall, almost as tall as him with her heels and he was 6'1". She wore a light gray suit that was way too big for her, perhaps in an attempt to cover her femininity, and a white shell that hung loosely. Even so, he could tell her slender body, was curved in all the right places, toned and most likely very strong. She had no jewelry other than a watch that appeared to be a man's watch. Interesting. She had silky, shoulder-length, chestnut colored hair, that fell to one side covering her right eye from time to time. She kept poking the errant stands behind her ear and they kept falling back. She had huge brown eyes that looked like pools of melted chocolate, with long dark lashes that contrasted vividly against her smooth, olive complexion and when she smiled, it was like the sun peeking out from a cloudy day. He loved that smile. Though she tried to hide it with her choice of clothing and very little makeup, she was gorgeous. When they shook hands, he swears he felt the connection run straight up his arm and shoulder and right into his heart. It was like they had known each other forever and they fell into an easy comradery, a deep friendship and a bond that defied all other relationships in his life.

At first, he was just very protective of her, showing her the ropes in the SVU since he had already been in the unit for a couple of years. He only wanted the best for her in everything. He was there when a case was too hard and she needed to talk or just have someone to sit quietly beside her that understood and felt the same the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. She was the only person that could calm him down when his rage at a perp or over a case became too much. He was there when boyfriends treated her badly, or when she needed advice on how to dump someone, like Brian Cassidy, a co-worker, after a one night stand. She always listened when he told her of his and Kathy's fights, trying to make him see Kathy's side. She cried on his shoulder when her mother died.

She had been like a little sister to him, he the overprotective big brother, ready to pound any guy that looked at her the wrong way. He had analyzed their relationship over and over but he could not pinpoint when it was his feelings for her began to change. He had no clue when it happened. What he did know was that those feelings were no longer brotherly in any way. He also knew that it would not be fair to anyone involved, for him to go back home when his head was so mixed up. Kathy was the mother of his four wonderful children, they shared almost 20 years of their lives together and for that he would always love her, but he was no longer in love with her. They fought all the time, had nothing in common, she hated his job and the time spent away from home. He never thought of her when they were apart. Olivia filled his mind and thoughts. Even if they spent 18 hours working together, when they went their separate ways, he found himself thinking about her, wondering what she was doing, and most of the time, calling her, even if it was just to say goodnight again. Yes, things had been volatile between them lately, at times to the point of splintering their partnership, but he thought he had finally figured out why. They were both fighting these feelings for each other, both scared that their partnership could not survive them crossing the line, becoming lovers. Scared of changing the dynamics that had worked so well until Kathy left him and all their carefully laid boundaries they had constructed over the years shifted without any warning to the occupants within their safety.

He decided to tell Kathy he changed his mind and need more time to think. But, before he could ever do that she came to the precinct and told him she was pregnant. As her words began to register in his brain, he felt the blood rush to his head and he thought he going to pass out or at least throw up right there in the precinct. One night. How he would pay for that one night. Then she had asked him to come home and though reluctant, he did as she asked. God, Olivia, why didn't I tell you I love you? Why did I sleep with her? Why did I go back home?


	2. Rerun

**Chapter Two - Rerun**

Elliot and Olivia walked out of Mercy General together, easily falling in sync as they walked side by side. Since her car was totaled and he had come in by chopper, he hailed a cab and paid the fare for her way home. He briefly thought about riding with her to make sure she got home safely, but quickly threw the thought aside because he knew she would never allow it and besides, it was probably not a very good idea that he be alone with her right now.

"Liv, thanks for everything," he said as helped her into the cab. She had been running on pure adrenaline for hours now, but was beginning to feel the after effects of the accident and was a bit slow getting situated in the back seat.

As he shut the door and leaned into the open window, she responded, "El, you don't have to thank me...I did what anyone would have in the same situation."

His blue eyes held hers for several moments before he nodded, smiled just slightly and said "Okay. Okay. Are you sure you don't want to grab something to eat before you go home? At least let me buy you dinner?"

She smiled back, just a half smile, shaking her head, but offering no verbal response. He kept looking at her but when she still did not respond, he told her, "Get some rest, huh? Please? And call me if there is anything you need. Okay? Anything."

Elliot closed the cab door and then she was gone. He stood staring long after the cab was out of sight. Even though to the outsider he seemed to be holding up just fine, he was a mess. He knew it and he knew Liv knew it. He saw himself in her eyes. His emotions were all over the map. He was eternally thankful to God that Olivia had been the one with Kathy and his baby boy, because he was not at all as sure as she was that anyone else would have done the same in the situation. Liv may have been a bundle of nerves and her mind in total chaos after the accident, but years of handling high stress situations taught her how to set all that aside and just do the job, whatever needed to be done. He knew that was exactly what she had done today, not just for his family, but for him. Because that was what she did. She always knew what he needed, sometimes even before he did and she never failed him. No, he was not at all sure that they would be alive without her.

Cragen had called them when they were in the chopper, to update them about the situation. When Elliot heard that Olivia had no real injuries, the relief washed over him with such force, he almost broke right in front of everyone. That was why when he came into the ER and heard her calling his name as he saw her coming toward him, he only glanced at her and the blood that covered her blue shirt. Whose blood, he wondered? He already knew she was okay and he knew if he stopped to see about her, there was absolutely no doubt that his shredded emotions would fail him and he would completely come apart. If she had been seriously injured or worse, he didn't know what he would do because, God, forgive him, she was his first thought when Fin told him there had been accident even though he knew Kathy was with her. No, he did not want anything to be wrong with the baby or Kathy either, but they were...they were...well, he did not know. He loved them, he did, but he could not explain why they were not the first ones to come to his mind and he felt guilty as hell for it. What was wrong with him? His pregnant wife had just been in a horrific accident that could have had a much darker ending, she had given birth to their fifth child, their second son, they were both going to be fine, and he should have been ecstatic that he was given this second chance. Instead he had a tightness in his chest that made it difficult to breathe, a knot in his stomach the size of a basketball, and he was on the brink of tears. Who was he kidding? He knew exactly what was wrong with him and it had nothing to do with his family.

- - - - - - - - - -

She could still see his sky blue eyes looking at her as she sat in the cab. There were a thousand words and as many questions, in those eyes and she heard every single one of them. She chose not to think about them because what was the use. The words were just words without actions to back them up and there were no answers to the questions. It would make no difference. She had her chance when he was separated and she let it slip through her fingers like sand. He had his wife back now, a new son, and his four other children. Elliot Stabler, husband and father, was back in full family man mode. That put her right back where she had always been...on the outside looking in on his life...wanting so bad to belong somewhere, anywhere...waiting...alone.

The cab swerved to the curb in front of her building and came to a jerking stop causing her to lose her balance and move quickly to regain control. When she did she was surprised at how stiff and sore she had become in the twenty minute ride from the hospital. Probably should have let them check her over at the hospital. If Cragen finds out she skipped out on that protocol, he will chain her to her desk until he is sure she is alright. Right now she was feeling muscles and places in her body that she had never even been vaguely aware existed. Maybe she should have taken that prescription for pain medication that the doctor offered after all. She might just have to have them call it in to the pharmacy down the street and see if Casey would pick it up for her later. She thanked the driver and slowly made her way out of the cab and up the stoop to enter the building, praying all the while that this would be the day of the week the elevator worked because she really did not think she had it in her to walk up three flights of stairs.

Her keys had been left in the car and Elliot had thought to ask her about them. When she realized they were missing, he gave her the spare for her apartment she had given him years ago, in case of an emergency. As she put the key in the door, she noticed her hands were shaking. Turning the knob and stepping in, she glanced at the clock on the DVD player. 5:21 p.m. Had it really only been ten hours since she had left for what she thought was just another day at work, chasing perps, comforting victims, interviewing witnesses, filling out DD5s and shooting the bull with the guys? So much had happened in those ten hours, it almost seemed as though it were a lifetime ago. At some point during the day, time ceased to exist, became unimportant when she did not know if time would even continue for Kathy Stabler and her unborn son. Elliot's son. Thankfully, they were all going to be fine. But her mind took on a life of its own, playing various scenarios of what happened, what could have happened, asking how would she have ever been able to tell Elliot that she had failed him, let him down, because she could not save his wife and child. The day played over and over and over in her mind like a rerun of the same horror movie. Sometimes it played out the way things really happened, other times it would be the way things could have happened...another outcome, a devastating outcome.

Noticing the light blinking on her home phone indicating she had messages, she made her way painfully across the living room, pushed the button and began listening to them. "Liv, hey, just wanted to make sure we are still on for dinner Friday. I'll be in town by 4:00. Give me a call." Sarah, her college roommate she has not seen for two years. "Hey, Liv. Just wanted to see how you are feeling. Cragen said you were banged up a bit. Sure glad you are ok. You don't have to return the call. Just checking on you." She smiled hearing Munch's voice. "Hey, girl. You was looking okay at the hospital, but wanna tell ya if ya need anything, ring me." Fin, yea, he was the man. "Liv!! Liv!! Are you there?" Crap! How could she have forgotten to let Simon know! Well, it wasn't like she was used to having family to call when something significant happened. "I heard about the accident, that a female NYPD detective was involved. I've been calling your cell all day! Finally got hold of Captain Cragen. He assures me you are ok...I just need to hear your voice and know for myself. Call me!! I love you, Sis!!"

Three simple words, I love you. She had heard them earlier today...too many times. Kathy had said 'love you' to Elliot and he replied with 'I love you, too,' just before the crash. Olivia suddenly remembered, she had looked out the driver window and rolled her eyes, her heart ripping in two when she heard the exchange. Oh, no! It was her fault! If she had not been looking the other way, maybe she would have seen the car coming and been able to prevent the accident! No, no, that was not right. Elliot had thanked her and she told him no problem. She reached to turn the cell off and was facing the front of the car when the crash came. That was it. No, it was not her fault. Was it? Hell, now she was thinking about all the 'I love yous' that went on between them. As if it were not hard enough to hear it once, she heard two more times during the aftermath of the accident. She wondered did he really mean it, did Kathy? Or were they just used to saying it after twenty something years together. Every time she heard them say it, it ripped her heart into another piece. The words echoed in her mind, taunting her, laughing at her.

Her mind was pinging around like a kid with ADHD hyped up on caffeine. She decided that a really long, hot shower was what she needed. Maybe it would ease some of the tension in her body and make her relax enough to actually get some sleep. If she could sleep, maybe the words in her heard and the movie in her mind would stop. Maybe she would not be able to see Elliot's blue eyes drilling into hers, speaking silent words, asking silent questions. Maybe in sleep she would not remember her shock when he roughly pulled her into that hug and held her so tightly against him, how that shock dissipated and gave way to feelings better left unknown, unacknowledged. Feelings that have been just under the surface for years, feelings she thought she had under control, now threatening to burst forth from the prison of her heart. In the eight and half years they had been partners, there seemed to be an unwritten, unspoken rule between them that they did not touch, at least not like that.

This was their only hug in eight and half years and she remembered everything about it. She could still feel the warmth of his hard chest against her breast, feel the wild beating of his heart and hers matching it beat for beat, in sync, just like they used to be and had just started to get back. She could feel the muscles of his back ripple as she pressed her hands and fingers to them to pull him closer. She could smell his cologne, the same that he has worn for eight and a half years, but only in the last two years had she become aware of it and how good he smelled. She could still feel his hot breath on her neck as he said, "You're okay." Two little words, barely whispered, and yet she could hear every emotion he felt in them. His relief, his gratitude, his angst, his desire, his love for her, yes, love...for her. If she thought she was just imagining those emotions, when he pulled away from her just far enough that they could look into one another's eyes yet still holding her against him, she knew she was not imagining anything, because every one of those emotions were battling for first place in his troubled blue eyes even as he battled to gain control over them. And she knew he saw the same thing in her eyes. She had to quit thinking about this, about everything or she was going to absolutely lose her mind.

She grabbed a black tank top, gray sweat pants, clean underwear and headed for the bathroom. She turned the shower on as hot as it would go and as she waited for the water to heat up, she looked at her reflection in the mirror. She looked like crap. Her hair was alternately stringy in places and plastered to her head where sweat had formed and then dried. Her dark eyes were sunken, make up smeared giving her the appearance of having two black eyes...at least she was pretty sure it was from the makeup...she could not remember anything that would have given her a black eye. She did have a couple of abrasions on her left cheek, probably from the air bag. She looked pale even with her olive complexion. Her blue shirt was covered in blood from holding the baby to her right after he was born and Kathy had begun crashing. Oh, no, here came a whole new set of thoughts about what she would have done if Kathy had died. She shook her head in an attempt to clear her mind as she pulled the shirt over her head and undressed for her shower.

- - - - - - -

Hospitals are no one's favorite place to be and Elliot was surely not thrilled to be sitting in a hard, uncomfortable chair at Kathy's beside. So, when her doctor came by to update him about her progress telling him that she and the baby would both sleep for the rest of the night and suggesting Elliot go home to eat, shower and rest, he did not have to be told twice. He was out of the hospital and in a cab on the way home less than five minutes after the words left the doctor's mouth. He needed to check on the twins anyway. They were fifteen, old enough to be alone, but he still felt better knowing someone was with them. Maureen had brought them up to see Kathy and the baby earlier and stayed at home with them until Kathleen's class was over, but then Kathleen had to go to work, so they were home alone.

The ride home took almost thirty minutes which was way too much free time for Elliot's mind to handle because he began thinking of how this day had begun like any other, yet ended unlike any other is his life. He thought when he had gone back to Kathy that he had finally been able to put all his confusing thoughts and feelings about his partner, his best friend, his whatever she was to him, away. Boxed them up into a nice, neat compartment, set aside and basically put out of his mind. Today's events only provided proof that nothing could be farther from the truth. Those feelings were still there, as strong as ever, and they were never going away. He knew that one day he would have a reckoning with them and he dreaded it because he doubted there could ever possibly be an outcome he would welcome.

He leaned his head back on the seat of the cab, shutting his eyes tightly, as his thoughts and imaginations closed in on him. As clearly as he were still standing in that hospital corridor with her, he could see Olivia leaning against the wall. Thank you, God, for sparing her. If he lost her, he would never survive it. Straightening as he came toward her, her smile sincere, she asked him about his baby. He could not help but grin and tell her the baby was great. Though he knew she deserved more from him than one word...I mean, you know, she was the reason his wife and baby were still alive...he knew if he stayed in her presence any length of time he would say or do something he should not, something that could not be taken back, something better left unsaid or undone. He had to get out of there. So, he started past her, but as he did, he could see her out of the corner of his eye and she looked so vulnerable, so alone. At almost the same instant he caught a faint scent of her perfume that still managed to linger even after all she had been through, and before he could stop, he found himself turning back to her just as she turned to follow him.

He grabbed her and yanked her to him in a fierce hug. He wasn't at all gentle like he had always imagined it would be if he ever did hug her. It was instead a desperate, raw attempt to convey everything he was feeling and had felt for years in that one action. He wanted her to feel his overwhelming relief that she was alright, still very much alive, still in his life. He wanted her to realize how thankful he was to her for being there for his family. He wanted her know that no matter what happened, she was his comfort, his direction, his everything. He needed her to sense his love for her yet make her understand why he could not tell her these things. Hell, he just simply need her. Oh, Olivia. He would never forget how she felt in his arms. She was toned and firm, yet still soft. Softer than he had ever imagined. When he pulled her to him, he felt just a moment of hesitation, or more likely it was just pure shock, before she simply melted into his arms and molded herself into him. He felt her arms go under his and her hands pressing into his back felt like hot pokers, branding their impressions upon him, marking him as hers. What he would give for that to be true. His heart was beating so hard, he was almost embarrassed that she would feel it or maybe even be able to hear it, but then he became aware that with every beat his made, hers was making one at the exact same time and just as hard. He could smell the citrus scent from her shampoo and her perfume was a bit stronger now that he was so close to her. Closer physically than he had ever been and he was very conscious of every single point their bodies were touching. This scene played out before him every time he closed his eyes. A rerun his mind was obsessed with playing again and again. He thought his mind would explode! He had to get a grip on his emotions or they would surely be his destruction.


	3. Reaction

**It Had to Be Over**

**Chapter 3 - Reaction**

The knock at the door was soft, yet insistent. Olivia turned slightly in her bed to look at the clock. 8:17 p.m. She had been asleep for almost two and a half hours. She was so stiff and sore it took several minutes just to sit up and put her legs over the side of the bed. Who would have thought that being hit with the air bag could cause so much discomfort and pain. Thank goodness Casey was here with the pain medication.

"I'm coming . . . just give me a sec. " she hollered, as she began her slow, torturous trek to the door. Usually, she would never open it without first checking to see who was there, but she knew it had to be Casey, so she just unlocked the door and opened it. To her complete shock it was not her friend bearing prescriptions. Nope. She found herself staring into the very blue eyes of one Elliot Stabler.

"Wh-wh-what are you doing here?" she stammered, her eyes big as saucers. His eyes swept over her, taking in her wrinkled gray sweats, black tank top and bare feet. Her hair stuck up and out at every angle, probably because she had gone to bed with it wet. He hoped he had not woken her. He noticed the small, red abrasions on her left cheek and wanted to reach out and stroke them with his fingers.

"I...need to...talk to you, Liv." he said softly, standing at her door, dressed in tight, dark jeans, a red Henley, under his black leather jacket. He looked freshly showered, his hair still damp. For some reason, he had not shaved. Apparently, he had been home. Apparently, he did not stay by his wife's side at the hospital all day and night.

"Y-y-you shouldn't be here. Y-you can't be here " Her voice sounded strangled to her. She couldn't look at him. It was taking everything in her to keep breathing, his nearness caused a reaction she did not want to name. There was no way she could just keep looking at him.

"Why? Why shouldn't I be here?" he asked, his eyes narrowing but locked on her. She would not look at him and he wondered why. Was she upset, angry, scared? What? Was it something he had done or said?

Olivia looked everywhere but at him, shaking her head. She opened her mouth but nothing came out so she closed it and then tried again to speak but failed. Her heart was beating so hard, blood was roaring in her head and she was so dizzy she knew it could overtake her at any moment. She held onto the door just to keep from falling. She could not let him know she had any kind of reaction to his mere presence, especially a reaction like this.

"I had to see you. You gonna let me in? Or we just gonna keep standing here?" he asked, his lips curling in a partial smile, his eyes never leaving her. She looked so small, so tired, so pale. Maybe it was that small, black tank top that showed too much skin, that made her look more pale than she was but she did not look well.

"Is everything all right with Kathy? The baby?" she asked. That was it. That had to be why he was here. Something had happened. Something bad. And it was all her fault. Her eyes shifted wildly, avoiding his. She could not bring herself to look at him even though she knew he had never quit looking at her.

"They're fine." He paused before saying her name. "Liv?", he questioned as he motioned toward her living room. She was aware he wanted to come in...what could she say to keep him from coming in, she thought. No word came to her. Nothing. Not even a smart aleck response.

Finally, she stepped aside, allowing him to enter, still holding onto the door for dear life. After a minute or so, she finally closed it, stumbling a bit, then leaning against it for security.

When she fell against the door, Elliot suddenly realized she was probably hurting pretty badly from the accident by now and turned to her asking, "Do you need me to help you to the couch to sit down."

"No. No. I'm fine. It will just take me a minute." There was no way she was letting him put his hands on her. Not a chance.

He still came toward her to offer help, but she threw her hands up, palms outward to fend him off and he could see innumerable, superficial cuts on her extended palms. He knew they were from the accident but he did not know exactly how she got them and he wanted to take her hands, cover the cuts in kisses and tell her he was sorry.

Her voice brought him back to the present as he heard her say, "I don't need you, Elliot. I don't need your help."

Those words sliced through him like a knife, cutting to the quick even though he really did not think she meant that she did not ever need him. She meant right now. Didn't she? Maybe she did mean ever.

"Okay. I know you can do it." He watched her, slowly inches her way into the living room, taking a seat on the closest end of the beige sofa, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her as though it was some type of shield, protection. Against what? Him?

He took his jacket off, laid it across the back of the couch and came to sit beside her, about a foot away. She still would not meet his gaze and though he had come here to talk, now he was not sure what he wanted to say. Well, that was not really true. He was very sure about what he wanted to say, but he was not sure about what he was going to say...what he could say. Their silences were something he used to savor. They were easy, comfortable. During those silences it was as though they could actually read each others mind, intuitively knowing what each was thinking, feeling. Words were unnecessary for them to connect. Tonight, however, the silence was anything but comfortable. They sat there for several long minutes, the silence between them becoming louder and louder, until she could no longer stand it.

"You said you need to talk to me...so talk" and she sighed heavily, finally turning to look at him, leaning toward him just a bit. When she did, he was close enough to see tiny specks of mascara flakes laying below her bottom lashes, and that her brown eyes were so dark they were almost black. He could not see the pupils. The only times her eyes got like, he knew, was when she was either mad as hell or scared out of her wits. Looking into her eyes right now, he thought that this might be the first time she was both.

"I-I..uh..just...uh...Liv, I will never be able thank you enough for what you did today," he started.

She interrupted him, "Look, you already thanked me and I already told you anyone would have done the same thing."

"Maybe they would have, but someone else may not have kept trying. Someone else might have given up or been to two of it to do what needed to be done. You kept on because of you and me."

"What do you mean 'because of you and me'? I would have done the same thing for anyone else."

"Oh, come on. You don't really expect me to believe you didn't push the EMTs just a little harder because it was my family involved, do you?" He did not know why but he was beginning to feel anger creep up on him and knew it was in his voice, too. He did not know why she could so quickly evoke that reaction in him. Sometimes she _was _a pain in the butt!

"What? You think you and your family are so darned special that you would get treatment above and beyond what anyone else would? We were in an accident, Elliot! Did you think I would just sit around and wait for someone else to help? I'm a cop, a public servant, for Pete's sake! "

Somehow she had stood up and he had done the same. Yep, she was mad but just why he was sure he did not know. Not a clue.

"Olivia..."

"How about you get the hell out of my apartment and go back to your special wife and family. She's in the hospital. You should be there with her! Not here! Not with me! Just go, Elliot! Go!!" She was nearly shouting as she crossed her arms over her chest and glared angrily at him.

They were standing so close, the stubble on his face was no longer a shadow, but individual points of hair jutting from his strong jaw. His clear blue eyes had turn midnight, stormy. It never ceased to amaze her how many different shades of blue his eyes could turn depending on his mood. She knew what every color, every shade meant and midnight blue equaled seething anger. She unconsciously steeled herself for the impending onslaught of rage she knew was about to erupt. It never came.

Elliott was taking deep breaths and his fists were clenching and unclenching, the muscles in his jaw flexing and un-flexing, and Olivia knew he was trying to calm himself down. This was something new since she came back from Oregon. A new, calmer Elliott. She could not help but think it used to be her job to calm him down and now even that had been taken way.

A deep sigh escaped from him as he ran his hands over his head, rubbed his neck and dragged his hands down his face. "Listen, I didn't come here to fight. I don't want to fight with you. I only wanted to say thanks again..."

"Elliot...if you say that one more time..." He really could be hard to be around at times.

The look he gave her was so tender, it shook her to the core of her being. He continued, "...and I wanted to tell you how relieved I am that nothing bad happened to you. That you were not seriously injured, or..or...God, Liv...when Fin told me about the accident...you were the one that I...but... you were okay...I don't know what I...because you mean so...you are my...I don't...if something happened to you...if you had...I-I couldn't go on...it...it'd...be more than I...oh, Liv, Liv..." he wanted desperately to tell her how he felt but the tears choked his voice and his breathing became shallow and rough, each breath a struggle.

And then, so quickly she had no time for a reaction to what he was doing, he had pulled her into his arms for the second time that day, tears sliding down his cheeks. When he touched her, his tears came harder and faster, like a flood breaking over a dam and he began to sob as he held her to him. Elliott Stabler did not sob.

For just a minute, she let herself go, just like at the hospital, wrapping her arms around him and taking in everything about him. His smell, his warmth, the stubble on his chin as it scraped against her cheek, the feel of his body against hers. His hands running up and down her back , then tangling in her hair, on her face wiping her tears away. She tried convinced herself she was only comforting him because he was crying so hard, shattering right before her. She had never seen him like this.

"Shh, El...shh...its okay. I'm here, I'm here. Nothing happened to me. Shh...it's okay...I'm fine," she whispered to him as her tears mixed with his. He could not speak. The sobs continued. Her hands caressed his back, his face, trying to calm him down, ease his emotional distress.

She had to fix him. That's what they did...they fixed each other. In her mind she knew they were treading into waters they had no business in and she was about to slip under the crashing waves. His crying slowed. This time when he pulled back from her and looked into her eyes, his red-rimmed with tears still pooling in them, she knew it was going to end differently. Her hands, acting on their own accord, reached up, her thumbs gently wiping the remaining tears from his cheeks. His hand came back to her face, thumbs brushing over her lips. Her throat and mouth were dry, she swallowed hard and licked her lips and as she did his eyes followed her tongue. She knew this was a mistake almost immediately because he bent toward her. Her heart was about to jump out of her body as he leaned closer and closer, his lips millimeters from hers. The connections between her mind and body must have been seared by the heat of his touch. She could not move, could not think, could not even breathe. There was only Elliot. And she was powerless to stop him, them, from falling over the wall, the boundaries they had fought so hard to maintain. And then it happened.

- - - - - - - -


	4. Realization

**Chapter 4 - Realization**

Knock, knock, knock, knock. Someone was knocking at her door, drawing them back to their senses. In the moment just before his lips were able to meet hers, the knocking began. They released one another and stepped back, staring at each other, unblinking, neither saying a word, finally breathing once again.

"Hey, Liv? Olivia...it's me. I got your meds. Liv? Liv, do ya hear me?" Casey continued knocking. Her arms were full with Chinese food, the prescription, a few magazines and some grocery items Liv had asked her to get.

Olivia finally moved to the door, glancing back at Elliott who was trying to compose himself. He nodded. She took a deep breath and opened it to Casey, bent over in an attempt to catch a bag that was slipping while trying to keep from dropping everything else.

"I know you are sore and all...but you sure took you time getting the door... was beginning to think you completely zoned out and I was gonna have to get your super to let me in to check on you. I've got your meds and picked up some Chinese cause..." Casey looked up and stopped talking because just as Olivia reached for a bag to help her out, she saw Elliott standing in the living room and he looked like crap.

"I...I thought you might be hungry...sorry...didn't mean to interrupt...you didn't say you were having company..." Casey said, somewhat puzzled, looking back and forth between the two of them. She could not put her finger on it and maybe it was just the attorney in her, but she sensed something was off with this situation.

"I'm not...I mean...El just...uh...he stopped by...I didn't know..." Olivia stammered, biting her lips and only glancing at Casey, her eyes locked on the floor instead.

At almost the same time, Elliott spoke. "Hey, Case. You're...uh...not interrupting anything. I just.. uh... wanted to...uh...to you know...make sure Liv was okay...you know...with the...uh...accident and all and...that she...she didn't...uh...need anything."

Casey kept looking at them but neither would really hold her gaze. Something was definitely askew. They were both so tongue-tied they were for all intents and purposes, speechless. And she could not recall ever seeing either of these two speechless, let alone stammering and stuttering the way they were right now. These two speechless? You gotta be kidding me!

"Hey. I figured you would be at the hospital, Elliot. I'm guessing Kathy must be doing well and the baby is fine, too?" Why wasn't he at the hospital? She'd have thought wild horses could not pull him away.

Olivia looked as though she _might_ have been crying and Elliott _definitely_ had shed some tears or else had a major sinus problem going on for his eyes to be so red and nose doing all that sniffling. Well, this had been an emotional day for them...maybe that was all there was to it. No. Uh-uh. No way. She knew the rumors that abounded about the two of them. Heck, she had seen firsthand more times than she could count, things between them that made her understand _why_ those rumors existed even though she did not believe they had ever crossed that line. It seemed that even though nearly the entire NYPD, the DAO and even some of the FBI realized these two had something going on between them, Olivia and Elliott either had no realization of it or simply refused to admit it. She put her money on the latter. Because whatever this connection, it was stronger than anything she had ever seen between any two people. You only had to be in a room with the two of them for about three seconds before you would realize it...before you knew you were odd man out!

Elliott answered, bringing her focus back to him. "They gave her a sedative and...uh...with the pain meds, they said she would be out til morning. The baby...well, babies sleep all the time. Went home for a bit and then...uh...came by to check on Liv. I was...I was just leaving." He walked over to her taking the bags of groceries from her and going to the kitchen to put them up.

Sure you were, Casey thought to herself.

"Listen, Liv. I can come back tomorrow, if you guys need some time or whatever. I really did not mean to intrude..."

"No!" Olivia said a little too forcefully. "You...you are not intruding, Casey. I asked you to come and besides, like Elliott said, he was just getting...uh...ready to leave when you got here." She glanced at him as she spoke to Casey.

Raising his eyebrows and then nodding up and down, Elliot said, "Yea, uh..right. So...uh...guess I'll head on as soon as I put this stuff away." He began putting the bottled water in the refrigerator.

Olivia followed Elliot toward the kitchen but stopped at the bar setting the Chinese food on it. She started to get plates down, but couldn't reach without groaning and moaning.

This caused Casey to comment, "I take it you are in some pretty serious pain, huh? Well, today is your lucky day! I have just the thing for you!" Casey wiggled her eyebrows at her and handed her the pain meds.

Liv went to another cabinet to get a glass, then to the sink, filled it with water and started to take the pills. Suddenly, Elliott's hand grasped her wrist. "You need to eat something before you take those or they will make you really nauseated. The last thing you want is to be tossing your cookies. Especially after you've had the crap beat out of you by an air bag and a three ton car."

She stared at his hand around her wrist. Why was it on fire, burning from the heat of his hand? It was only there for a few seconds. What was wrong with her? Why did his touch do this to her? She looked at Casey to see if she realized what Olivia was thinking. No. But a look at Elliot, proved they could still read each other like a book. He gave her an almost imperceptible smirk.

"He's right, Olivia. Let's eat first." Speaking to Elliot, she said, "Hey, there's plenty of food, if you want to stay and eat with us...that is if Liv doesn't mind." Casey watched the two of them for any kind of off the wall response.

Liv took a quick glance at Elliott, who had gone back to putting up groceries, and he, seeming to sense this, turned to look over his shoulder at her.

What I would do to hear just one of the conversations they seem to have with those looks they trade between each other, Casey pondered.

He shook his head, "Nah. I need to get home. But, thanks." He folded up an empty cereal box and put it in the trash.

"Never known you to pass up any food that's free. But Chinese? It's your favorite, El...free Chinese...free..." Olivia retorted, grinning at him, the tension in the room noticeably subsiding.

How interesting. In a matter of seconds, the tension in the room nearly vaporized with one smart aleck retort from Liv. Casey was in awe. And then Elliot picked up right where she left off.

"Yea, well, I'm too tired to handle a fork much less chopsticks and you insist I eat Chinese with chopsticks. Although, with you not being up to par, I might actually be able to eat the food I steal from your plate before you can steal it back!" They both broke out in laughter. Must be an inside joke because Casey did not see anything at all funny about the comments.

"You're a wimp, Stabler!"

"Seriously, I really am exhausted." He put up the last can and headed toward the door, grabbing his jacket from the couch.

He looked at Liv, gave her a half smile and said, "Night, Liv. Thanks...uh...I mean... hope you feel better soon...the pain meds will help...call me if you need anything. I'll...uh..check up on you sometime tomorrow, okay?" Turning to Casey, he said, "Good night, Counselor. Take good care of our girl, huh?" He winked, the door closed and he was gone.

"Our" girl, Stabler? More like "your" girl, you mean, Casey thought to herself as she felt a smile slowly spread across her face. She thought she was beginning to get the picture.

- - - - - - -

Olivia stood staring at the closed door. She knew Casey was more than ready to question, cross-examine, prosecute and sentence her probably all within the space of ten minutes. She knew she better be able to come up with some good answers or Casey would for sure drag her kicking and clawing and screaming to face the truth. And right now she was coming to the realization that the truth would be a frightening thing.

She turned around, actually looking at Casey for the first time that night. She was wearing light colored jeans, with a Red Sox t-shirt, a darker jean jacket and black boots. Her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail under her Red Sox ball cap and she looked like the cat who ate the canary. Olivia hated that look because it was the look she had when she knew, or thought she knew, something that no one else did.

"Thanks for picking up the meds and groceries and Chinese. Oh, yea, Chinese. Are you ready to eat? I am starving. I haven't had anything since breakfast." Casey just stared at her with the cat look, then she smiled and said, "No problem. Yea, let's eat."

Olivia headed toward the kitchen. "What you want to drink? I've got water and...uh...water," she said as she looked in the refrigerator.

"Well, I think I will have water. Where are your plates?" Casey asked as she began opening and closing cabinets in search of them.

"Second cabinet on the left by the sink." Olivia put two bottles of water on the table, and started opening the containers of food. She got her pain meds, opened one of the bottles of water and popped the pills.

"You know I would have come to the hospital, if I had been in town..." Casey had been upstate, taking depositions for the Hardison case next month.

Holding one of the containers, Olivia stopped and smiled at her. "I know."

"So...how come you didn't tell me Elliot was gonna be here?" Casey asked, putting plates, chopsticks and napkins on the table.

"I already told you...he just...just dropped by." Now Liv avoided looking at Casey by scooping mounds of chicken fried rice and moo goo gai pan onto her plate.

"Someone said you delivered the baby. How awesome!"

"I didn't deliver him...the EMT did. But it was awesome seeing a new life come into the world. He was so tiny...I held him to me when Kathy started to...when her blood pressure...she..I thought..." Liv faltered because the recollection was just too much. Kathy could have died...right there in front of her.

"Yea, I heard Kathy almost...you know...it must have been very frightening." Casey began filling her plate with beef and broccoli and grabbed an egg roll from the carton.

"Yea." Staring at nothing, she paused shortly before speaking again. "All I could think of was how I would have to tell Elliot and how was I gonna be able to do that if she...if she...he'd never forgive me..."

"Forgive you? What would he have to forgive? It's not like the accident was your fault, Liv. These egg rolls are great."

"Then why do I feel like it was? If I had looked again before going...or gone another route...it wouldn't have happened."

"You cannot play the blame game, Olivia. You'll drive yourself nuts. It was an accident. The definition of accident is 'not on purpose' and you did not plan to have the accident."

"Maybe it wasn't a conscious thing...maybe I was hoping that ..."

"What are you talking about?

"I don't know...maybe it was...never mind." Lifting the water to her lips, she took a big swallow. "If you had seen Elliot's face when he came through those doors at the ER...the fear..the worry..."

"Seems like he would have stayed at the hospital tonight if he was so worried...like any caring husband and father would do, don't you think?"

"Yea, I thought so, too. But like he said, they gave her something to make her sleep. He does care. That's why he had to leave...he needed to see about the twins and..."

Casey stared at her in unbelief. "Why are you defending him? His wife and child could have died and he doesn't even stay at the hospital with them?! Come on, Olivia! And the twins are, what? 15, 16 now...hardly young enough to worry about in light of the situation."

"I am not defending him." But she was and did not know why she felt like it was necessary. Probably because she wondered about it too, and that was okay, but she didn't want Casey to think less of him because of it. " I'm sure he just felt torn between them all. And he was exhausted, needed some rest, too."

"Maybe...but I think he just didn't want to be there. The word around my office is that things haven't really changed that much with him and Kathy. Even if he was so worried about his family, he still found time to see you."

Things have not really changed? She wanted to ask Casey what she meant...what she had heard, but she knew she couldn't, so instead she said the obvious thing.

"I'm his partner. He's supposed to make sure I'm okay." She knew it was a lame statement.

"Right. What happened when he first got to the ER? I knew you would have waited for him." Casey said, taking a swig of water.

"What do you mean 'what happened'? Nothing happened! He came in, saw Kathy and the baby and then said he had to go check on the twins." Her words came rapidly, louder. Despite her best efforts, Olivia felt a blush creeping onto her cheeks. It did not escape Casey's attention.

"Whoa, Olivia. No need to be so defensive. I just wondered how he was when he got there and how everything went." She looked at her friend and realized once again that something was just not right with this whole thing.

"I'm not being defensive. There's nothing to defend, Counselor." Liv retorted, taking another bite of rice. Her hand shook as she lifted the chopsticks to her mouth. Casey's eyes shifted between Olivia's and the trembling hand. Yes, something was definitely out of kilter and she knew Olivia was not about to tell her until she was good and ready. Oh, well, may as well give it a shot.

Casey raised her head just slightly, cocked it to one side, narrowed her eyes, and asked, "So, you gonna tell me what happened? Something happened or you wouldn't be acting like this. If you don't want to talk about it, fine. But whatever it is, the attorney in me says it is big, bigger than you and you probably need to talk about it or it's gonna eat your insides out."

"Acting like what, Casey? Nothing happened! Okay? Nothing..." Against her will, tears began to well up in her eyes.

Reaching across the table, Casey put her hand on Liv's forearm and said, "Look, I'm not gonna force you to tell me anything, Liv. I'm your friend and I sense something is wrong. Just know that I am here for you when you do want to talk about it." She leaned back in her chair, dipped her egg roll in duck sauce and took another bite.

"I've never had anything from My-Ling's Wok before. Mmmm...it's so good. Tastes like authentic Chinese, not American Chinese. Have you ever eaten there? Or done take out, maybe?"

Olivia just sat there, staring as her fingers shredded her paper napkin into a million pieces. My-Ling's was hers and Elliot's favorite Chinese restaurant. She remembered the last time they had eaten there...just last week. No matter how many times she tried to teach him, mastering the chopsticks was beyond his skill level. Instead he kept using one of them as a spear to steal pieces of chicken from her plate. She would almost always steal it back before he could get it to his mouth. They ended up laughing hysterically with everyone in the place looking at them like they were crazy. Maybe they were. Just maybe they were.

"He hugged me." Olivia spoke so softly Casey could not understand her.

"Pardon me? I couldn't hear you."

"He...he hugged me." She said much louder, turning her eyes to Casey. Then she jumped up so quickly the chair teetered and almost fell over. "He hugged me!" She said it again even louder. She was pacing now, faster than Casey thought possible given how slow she was moving earlier. Pain meds must be kicking in. Back and forth, back and forth. Running her hands through her hair, down her face, she whirled around to face Casey, who had stood as well. "Liv...?"

Olivia's hands grasped around the back of her neck and she leaned her head upward, eyes shut tightly, and then back toward Casey, hers eyes now wide as though she were in shock and said it again. "He hugged me."

Casey was more than perplexed. A hug had her this upset? What on earth was going on with her? "Liv, people hug all the time...to show affection, gratitude, friendship...he just wanted you to know he was glad you were not injured and to thank you for what you did after the accident for his family..."

"No, no. You don't understand." She rasped, her voice almost failing her. "In eight and half years we have barely ever touched and today he hugged me. Not once but twice. We DO NOT TOUCH. We do NOT do anything remotely close to touching. It's unspoken, but we understand. No physical contact, unless it is in the course of the job. We can not touch. We do not touch. If we...we know if we do...oh...it's too...too complicated." By this time, tears are flowing freely down Olivia's cheeks and she seems wounded, much smaller than just minutes ago, breathing so rapidly, Casey thinks she may be close to hyperventilating.

Seeing her friend like this, made Casey want to find Elliot, smack him around, kick him all the way to Jersey and back and then do it all over again. Whatever had happened, whatever he had done, and she knew it was not just because of a couple of hugs, he had caused one of Casey's best friends unimaginable hurt. She wanted to make sure he suffered for it!

Walking over to her, Casey took her by the elbow and led her to sit down on the couch. She went to the bathroom and came back with a wet washcloth and handed it to Olivia. Sitting down beside her, Casey softly spoke. "So, un-complicate it for me. I'm free for the evening."

Olivia stared at Casey as though she was speaking a foreign language. For several long minutes they just sat there, not a word, not a sound between them. And then Olivia started talking.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the reviews. I was really afraid to post a story and am greatly encouraged by your enthusiasm for it.


	5. Refusal

**Chapter 5 - Refusal**

Casey sat quietly with Olivia on the couch. She could not say she was shocked but her mind was in overdrive from the conversation they finished just minutes ago. Olivia, beginning to lose the battle against the drowsiness of the pain medication she had taken over two hours ago, massaged her temples with her fingers. Casey just stared into space, thinking about all that Liv had just shared with her. She'd had her suspicions for a long time, especially the last year or so, but this was more than she had ever imagined. One thing for certain, Liv was not kidding when she said it was complicated.

Casey had said very little other than an occasional comment or question. But now she was beginning to think like the attorney she was and was ready to advise her 'client', her friend.

Breaking the silence, Casey spoke softly, " Liv...you're a smart woman, and I don't think you need anyone telling you what you should do about all this..."

"But, you're going to tell me anyway, right." She sniffled and wiped at the tears in her eyes again.

"Only if you want me to...it's just advice...and you can take it or not. I think you know that some kind of decision, whatever it is, has to be made...and your refusal to do so sooner rather than later will only be to the detriment of everyone involved, especially you."

When Liv did not respond, Casey reached over, took a strand of Olivia's hair and tucked it behind her ear. She took a deep breath and continued. "Everyone longs for a special connection to another person and there is no doubt that this thing between you and Elliot is simply amazing. It is so strong, so palpable, that anyone spending more than a few seconds with you two, can't help but sense it, envy it. The first five or six years when this bond lived within boundaries of your partnership, your friendship, marked by his marriage, your values, it was just that, amazing."

She paused, looking at Liv who was focused on turning her watch over and over around her wrist. "From what you have told me, the last two years or so...probably since Kathy left him...those boundaries became fuzzy, perhaps even non-existent. At the same time this bond, this connection began to change, become even stronger, if that was at all possible. Either it went to a new level or you just finally became fully cognizant that it had been more than what you were willing to admit all along. Once you became aware of this, you both found yourself fighting against it, and in turn, fighting each other, because it wasn't the same. Instead of it being the refuge of companionship, acceptance, safety and strength that you had come to rely on, it has taken on a life of its own, bringing demands, feelings, desires that scare both of you to death. And if you are fighting all the time, there's not much chance of anything happening in the romance department. It was...is...a defense mechanism and you both use it masterfully, perhaps without even being aware of it.

Liv was rubbing her hands together, playing with her fingers...it seemed she always had to be doing something with her hands... silently taking in Casey's words. Breathing deeply, Casey began again. "Your partnership and friendship meant too much to both of you to risk changing it, even to test this new level. Had one or both of you come to this conclusion during his separation and been willing to face the possible rejection of the other long enough to voice your feelings, I doubt you and I would be sitting here right now, Liv. Your refusal, his as well, to ante up and make those confessions, has led to another scenario. One in which it is too late. He is back with Kathy and his family...they have a new baby."

This time when Casey looked at Liv, she saw tears welling in her eyes, watching helplessly as they spilled over her lids to course down her cheeks. Casey hated seeing her like this...she knew she was crumbling and there was not a damn thing she could do to really help her friend.

"Liv..." Casey reached over to put her hand on Liv's shoulder. "Liv, for your own sake, your own protection, let him go. It's time to move on, time to make a real attempt at a life of your own. It has to be over."

Olivia knew Casey was right. She had summed up the last eight and half years of her life in a few short paragraphs, sufficiently hitting every nail on the head. She was right. It had to be over. She had to build her own life apart from Elliot. But how? How do you live without someone who was...is your life? Someone please tell her how.

She sniffled, wiped her face again with the cloth, look Casey in the eye and said, "I know." She began to cry and Casey wrapped her arms around her and cried with her.

- - - - - - -

Elliot could not believe that Casey had interrupted them. What perfect timing she had. Only, he could not decide if that was perfectly good or perfectly bad. He knew was that he should not have gone over there. His emotions were still in an upheaval from the accident, too close to the surface, too raw. He knew being alone with Olivia was not a wise thing right now. Or probably ever. So, maybe he should be glad that Casey showed up when she did. Then again, if she had not shown up, he would have kissed her, Detective Olivia Benson, his partner, best friend, whatever she was. He would have known at last how her lips felt, how she tasted. He wondered if she would be like he imagined. Oh, yes. He imagined that and a lot more, even though he tried valiantly not to and had been pretty successful for a number of years.

Whenever thoughts about her assaulted his mind, he would start running down the stats for every Yankee ball player he could think of, then he would try to name all the cases he could remember. If that was not enough to banish her from forefront of his mind, he would sing every REO Speedwagon song he knew and keep on right through CCR, James Taylor and on down his list of favorite music until he had pushed Olivia to the deep, dark recesses of his mind. But he knew that whatever happened between them, she would always be there in those deep, dark recesses, quietly waiting, waiting to make her presence known once more.

- - - - - - -

Turning over, her hand slapped at the alarm clock trying to silence it. Hadn't she just laid down? It was almost 1:00 a.m. when Casey left and she was sound asleep minutes later. It could not possibly be 6:45, could it? She groaned when she saw the time change over to 4:13 a.m. After several attempts to silence the irritating beep, she realized it was not the alarm, but her cell seeking attention.

She flipped the phone open and mumbled. "Benson."

"Mornin', Sunshine. Did I wake you?" He was way too cheerful for 4:14 in the morning.

What Liv did not know, was that Elliot had missed her so much this past week. He had only seen her once since the day of the accident and Casey was there again so he did not really count that. He was so eager to see her, get to spend some time with her that nothing could squelch his good mood. Not even at 4:14 a.m. on cold November morning. His thoughts had always included Olivia, but lately it was as though she consumed his every waking moment, not to mention his dreams. Wondering what she was doing, where she was, how she was, was she eating and sleeping like she needed, what she wearing...What!? Oh, yes, what she was wearing. Need to watch it Stabler. No business going there at all.

"Elliot...?"

"We got a case. Pick you up in ten minutes."

"No. I'll just meet you...where?" She really did not want to be in a car alone with him.

"You don't have a car, remember?"

Crap. He was right. "Yea...okay...I'll be down in ten."

Tomorrow would be a week since the accident and today was going to be her first day back since then. Elliot's too because he took time off to care for Kathy and the baby. Though the talk with Casey was just what she needed, she was not looking forward to beginning to make her own life. She had no idea how to even start. Especially not with her partner sitting six feet away. And especially not two feet away in a car. He had called her every day, sometimes more than once a day, since the accident to 'check up' on her. She ended up talking to him only twice, letting the machine pick up or the cell go to voice mail the rest of the time. He had asked to come by a couple of times, but she managed to keep him from doing that by claiming she just was not up to company. He did, however, come by unannounced once, but thankfully, Casey was there already. He kept hanging around and she was pretty sure he was hoping to outstay Casey. But good ole Case was not going anywhere and he finally left. Thing is, Casey wouldn't be around when she had to face him in just a few short minutes. Looks like she was going to get an early start on her new life.

She rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom. Years of getting called out in the middle of the night had taught her to shower in less than five minutes, using the other five to brush her teeth, slap on a bit of makeup, run a brush through her hair, dress and be out the door. Living with four women, Elliot was always duly impressed by her ability to get ready so quickly and still look great. His word, not hers. On those mornings she thought she looked like...well...definitely not great.

The brown squad car was idling by the curb. He leaned across and pushed open her door just as she came down the stoop of her building. She glanced into those beautiful blue eyes for just a second, then taking a deep breath, she slid in, grabbing the seatbelt and locking it around herself.

"Hey, Sunshine." How did she manage to look so gorgeous this early in the morning? And in ten minutes, Elliot thought, as he handed her a hot tea. Liv always brought coffee for the both of them when they got called out like this. Now she only drank tea...so it was coffee for Elliot and tea for her. He remembered she didn't have a car, and wouldn't have a way to pick up anything for them. She was pleased he was so thoughtful especially this early in the morning.

"Hey, yourself. Thanks." She said as she took the steaming cup from him. "What we got?"

"Rape, murder down on Canal Street. ID says she's a student at Columbia Law School."

"Great. Kid with a future. Cut down. Just great."

- - - - - - -

By 7:45 they were at the precinct, settling in to start on some of the paperwork that had piled up over their absence the last week. Turns out their vic lived in New Jersey and from the initial investigation it looked like she had been abducted there and brought to Manhattan, making it a job for the Feds.

While they were out on the call, everything seemed normal between Elliot and Olivia. He kept cracking jokes and ragging on her, making her laugh. She had even managed to make small talk with him, though for the most part she talked about work.

He did ask her how she was feeling and she in turn asked about Kathy and the baby. For some reason, she could not bring herself to call the baby Elliot. In her mind there was only one Elliot and he was definitely not a baby. She could not help but wonder if he would ever mention that night in her apartment, forcing a reckoning between them or if he would just ignore it, pretending he never said those things, pretending she never held him and he never broke right in front of her. She couldn't decide which way would be better, but something told her eventually they would talk even if ignoring things was what they did best. Yes, they would have to talk.

It was close to noon and she knew he was getting ready to ask her to go to lunch. She knew it because she knew him. Elliot was fidgeting more and more with each passing minute. He would sigh, lean back in his chair, scratch his head, sigh again and then stretch his arms over his head. How she wished he would not do that stretching thing because when he did, his shirt tightened around his chest and she could see the outlines of his muscles. He just did it again for about the fourth time. Okay. Time for a new plan. She stood, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair. That made him stop stretching.

"Hey, what are you doing? I was just about to see if you wanted to grab some lunch." He said, straightening in his chair.

Yea, I know, she thought to herself. "Uh, thanks, El, but I gotta pick up the DNA results for the Ramsey case from the lab."

"Well, I'll go with you and then we'll get lunch." He got up and reached for his jacket.

"No, I am really not hungry...you go on. I'll get some crackers or something from the vending machine. See you back here later." If she was going to have a life where he was not the center, she had to keep the relationship confined to work. Eating lunch alone together everyday did not constitute 'work'.

He frowned slightly, then smiled and nodded at her. "Okay. See ya." Was she avoiding him, he wondered? She seemed okay this morning, although, now that he thinks about it, she did quickly steer any personal conversation back to work or something safe. Probably just his imagination.

An hour and ten minutes later, Liv returned, hanging her leather jacket on the back of her chair. Elliot looked up from his desk, his mouth full of a big bite of his turkey sandwich and nodded toward Cragen's office. "Mmmph...Lif, Pwotah's in wif the cap'n."

Rolling her eyes, she said "Didn't your mother teach you not to talk with your mouth full? I can't understand a word you are saying."

His swallow was so loud as he gulped the bite down, she heard it and winced thinking how that must have hurt. "Leave my mother out of this. I said 'Porter is in with the Captain'."

"Porter?" Frowning, her eyes narrowing as she repeated his name. As in 'Dean', she wondered.

"Hi, Olivia."

Startled by the familiar voice behind her, she whirled around quickly, losing her balance and very nearly falling into the arms of Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI, her case handler when she had been undercover in Oregon. She would have ended up in his arms if he hadn't caught her and held onto her until she could regain her balance.

She heard Elliot chuckle behind her. Glancing over her shoulder at him, it was all she could do not to march over there and knock that smirk right off of his face! She raised her left eyebrow and gave him 'the look'. Apparently, he didn't get the hint because the smirk remained.

Turning back to Porter, she said, "I am not going under cover again..." Had his eyes always sparkled like this or was it just the light reflecting in them?

"Relax. That's not why I'm here." He was smiling at her. She's cut her hair. It was sexier when it was long, but this could work. It was ...more...what? Elegant, maybe?

"So, just why are you here, Porter, and what was so important you had to talk to the Cap?" His smile. I don't remember him smiling much. It's a rather nice smile.

"You and you." Her eyes are so beautiful he thought, as he grinned, cocking his head to the side.

"What the hell does that mean?" She was getting aggravated now. He sure is tall, she noticed.

"I'm here because of you. Heard about the accident. You were out when I arrived so I asked Captain Cragen about you. That is why I was in his office." She sure is cute when her dander was up.

"Oh, uh, yea, well thanks for coming by. I'm fine. Sorry you came all the way down here." She was starting to feel nervous. What is with that? She did not even like Dean Porter.

"You know, if you had returned any of my calls, Olivia, I wouldn't have had to come all the way down here to check on you. I left several messages on both your home phone and cell. You did get them, right?" He said a bit sarcastically. She could annoy him to no end.

Elliot's smirk was replaced with narrowing eyes and brows knit together. He sat up straighter in his chair. Calls? He called her? Why the hell was he calling her? Why the hell did he even have her phone numbers? They were all new since coming back from Oregon. Get a grip, Stabler. So he called her. She's allowed to get calls from other people...from guys. It was none of his business. Okay. Okay. So why did it feel like it was his business?

"I'm sorry. There were so many calls, messages...I only returned a few...pretty tired. Exhausted, actually. Slept alot...no excuse...should have called you...sorry." He looked amused.

"Well, show me you really meant that apology by doing me the honor of having lunch with me. What's your favorite place?" He was smiling and his eyes were still sparkling.

Elliot rolled his eyes and snorted. 'Doing the honor'? Please! That kind of crap does not impress Liv, you idiot.

Liv heard the snort and looked his way, then back at Porter. "Well...I...uh...I really am not hungry."

Tell him, Liv. That's right. Put him in his place. She's not hungry, pal. Elliot was pleased to no end that she was turning him down. He grinned to himself at the thought of what Dean would do with her refusal.

"Oh, have you already eaten? It is after 1:00." He said as he looked at his watch.

"Well...no. I was just gonna get some crackers later..." Biting her lips must be a habit, he thought, as he watched her sucked her lower lip into her mouth for the third time since they started talking.

"Crackers? Did you have a big breakfast or something?" He was not going to give up.

"Uh...no...I have eaten anything, actually...just a cup of tea earlier this morning."

"Nothing to eat all day? That's it. Come on. I am taking you where ever you want to go. Just name the place." He picked up her jacket and held it open for her as an indication for her to put it on.

Mouth agape, big, brown eyes stared, unblinking, at him. A slight headache was beginning to make its self known. Maybe she should eat. What the hell...it's just lunch. Giving in, she smiled as she asked him, "Do you like Italian?"

He started laughing. "Do I like Italian? I AM Italian!" She laughed too, slipped on her jacket, he took her arm and they walked out of the precinct leaving Elliot wondering what the heck just happened.

- - - - - - -

"So, where are we going?" Dean asked elbowing Olivia slightly, their arms still linked.

"Moretti's. It's just a hole in the wall, but they hand make all their pasta every day and their marinara is out of this world! And Mori, the owner, he's a trip!"

"Sounds wonderful."

"You're Italian, huh? 'Porter isn't Italian."

"My father was Eduardo Antonio Giancarlo and my mom is Rosina Elana Lucci Porter. Your looking at a full-blooded Italian. Grandparents came here from Palermo in 1927."

"You said your father 'was'...?"

He sighed, looking down, then breathed deeply. "He was killed in Vietnam. My sister was five, I was two. Mom remarried a year and half later. Andrew Porter, my dad...he adopted me and my sister, Julie. I also have two half brothers, Ben and David and a half sister, Claire."

Olivia nodded her head, thinking how relieved she was Dean already knew about her family. At least she didn't have to worry about him asking and her having to tell him her father was a rapist and her Mom an alcoholic. He was there when Simon was falsely accused of rape...so he knew about her half brother, too.

- - - - - - -

Dean walked her to the steps of the precinct and took her arms, turning her to face him. "The food was great and the company was fantastic. Thanks for going with me, Olivia."

"Glad you enjoyed it. I did need to eat something. Thanks for asking me." Where did that come from, she wondered? Sounds like she's fishing for another invitation.

"Next time I'll take you to my favorite place." He was not about to let the opportunity slip past.

"Oh, yea? And where would that be?"

"Uh-uh. I never give up all my secrets at once. It will be a surprise." He grinned, and winked at her.

Looking at her watch, she said, "Wow! The time has flown! I gotta get back in before Cragen puts out an APB on me! See ya!" She was running up the steps before he could react.

"I'll call you..." Porter said to her retreating back.

She stopped at the top of the steps, looked over her shoulder and smiled.

- - - - - - -

As she was coming toward her desk, Elliot looked up at her and then at his watch. "Soooo...how was your lunch date...other than long?"

She rolled her eyes and chose not to answer him. He could be such a jerk. Sitting down, she reached for a file, opened it and began reading.

Irritated that she was ignoring him, Elliot leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head. "You know when someone asks a question, it generally means that someone would like an answer and generally the recipient of that question provides that answer..."

"Fine. Lunch was fine. And it was not a date." She said, feeling the anger begin to rise in her. Why was she angry?

"Fine? What exactly does 'fine' mean?" The chair squeaked as he sat up in it.

"It means FINE, Elliot! Drop it, okay!?"

"What's with you? Porter try to rope you in to another undercover gig for the Feds?"

"No. I said drop it, Elliot." Her voice was low, her stare icy.

She sure is on the defensive. Wonder how lunch really went. Porter probably said something to tick her off. Figures. He is an arrogant sob. There was something about him that made Elliot want to go a round or two with him. He decide to leave Liv alone and started filling out paper work again. Too bad he could not decide to just quit thinking about her.

- - - - - -


	6. Reckoning

**Chapter 6 - Reckoning**

One week down. She thought Friday would never come. The guys wanted to go out for drinks, but Liv was not sure about it, because almost every time they did, Munch and Fin would end up leaving her and Elliot there. In the past she did not mind being alone with him, in fact she looked forward to it. But now the past needed to be just that...the past. Lake had a date, so he would not be there. Cragen rarely went with them. She vaguely wondered what Casey was doing tonight.

At first, she did not think Elliot would go, because since the baby, the accident, he had been making it a point to get home earlier. But when Fin mentioned going, he said it was great timing because Kathy's mom had come in last night and was staying to help out for a few days. So, yea, he was in for a few drinks.

She was still contemplating her answer, when her cell began to vibrate and chirp. It was Casey and yes, she was free tonight and would love to go for drinks. That settled that problem. If need be, Casey would protect Olivia from Elliot at all costs.

Casey met Liv outside the precinct and they headed to O'Malley's just down the block and across the street. Fin had gone earlier to get a booth and already had a couple of pitchers of beer waiting on them. Munch and Elliot were just moving in to sit on opposite sides of the table and when the ladies approached, Munch motioned for Casey to sit next to him. She looked at Olivia, shrugged and slid into the booth. Fin had taken the chair at the end of the booth, leaving only one place for Liv to sit. Right beside Elliot. She looked around the table, still standing, unsure of what to do.

Fin noticed her hesitation. "What's the problem, Liv? You and Stabler have another fight? I swear...ya'll are worse than married folk. Well, he ain't gonna mess with ya...at least not in front of me...cause he knows I will kick his butt...so sit down, girl."

To cover the uneasiness she felt, she laughed as she began to slide into her seat. "Appreciate it, Fin, but I don't need any help. Definitely not to keep Elliot in line. Been kicking his butt for over eight years now."

Elliot felt the blood rush to his head. Her comment made him so mad. Not the part about kicking his butt, she could and would do that and did so on a regular basis. No, it was the flippant announcement that she 'did not need help' that ticked him off because he knew she was not really saying it to Fin. She was really telling him, reminding him that she did not need him. Just like she told him the other night.

"Yea, Fin. St. Olivia here doesn't need help from anyone for anything. She's got these amazing super powers and she's got everything all under control. Unlike the rest of us." Taking a big gulp of beer, elbow on the table, he held the mug in his hand as his eyes narrowed, burning a hole into her.

Liv knew she was probably the only one who realized his face was smiling, but his eyes were not. She knew he was fuming and his comment about 'St. Olivia' and 'super powers' was not doing much for her anger level, either. Listen to them. She had not even sat down yet and they were already at each others throat. The more things change the more they remain the same.

Either everyone at the table chose to ignore the friction picking up intensity between the two or they were oblivious to it. Or just used to it. Whatever the case, they all began bantering back and forth, with the easy talk and joking of years of friendship and working together. She poured a mug of beer and settled back, careful to stay on her end of the seat. Away from him. Away from Elliot.

Fifteen minutes later Casey noticed the Captain standing, looking around. "Hey, Cap! Over here!" Cragen rarely came out with them because he didn't drink and being in that atmosphere could be tempting at times. He was a recovering alcoholic and intended to keep it that way.

"Hey, Captain. We got a case or something?" Fin asked.

"No...been awhile since I've come with you guys...thought I'd hang out a bit. Things have been pretty wired lately." He said as he motioned for Olivia to scoot over and make room for him.

That would be scoot over...closer...to Elliot. A tightness formed in her stomach. Hesitating slightly, she scooted over taking great care not to touch Elliot. It was impossible because he turned slightly, stretching out, putting his arm across the back of the booth behind her, then shifting his legs, bumping her thigh and foot in the movement. She tried desperately not to be aware of his presence. Mission impossible. His cologne still had enough strength to assault her senses and his arm behind her caused the hair on her neck to raise. And though they were not actually touching, their thighs were close enough she could feel the heat radiating from them. Heat? Who was she kidding? It was more like fire! His foot, however, remained next to hers, nudging her. Each time she moved it he would seek it out again. She finally gave up. From the corner of her eye, she could see his the slight smirk on his face.

For a bit they talked about a couple of their cases, the trial Casey was preparing for the following week, whether or not she would need Munch and Fin to testify and current NYPD gossip. But then someone had to bring up the one thing Olivia really did not want to hear about, talk about or even think about.

"So, how's junior?" Munch grinned at Elliot. Great. Just what she needed. This was going to be a short night because she just was not up to hearing about the baby. That tight feeling that had never gone away was becoming stronger. She thought she might need to throw up. The conversation went from extolling the joys and frustrations of a newborn to Dickie's touchdown pass, Maureen's acceptance into law school and other inane ramblings about his family. Then it naturally turned to the accident and how Kathy was doing, which Liv definitely did not want to talk about so she made her decision.

"Gonna call it night, guys. I'm tired." Pulling her jacket on, she threw some money on the table and turned to the Captain. "'Scuse me, Cap." He stood up making way for her to get out of the booth.

"Ah, come on, Liv. It's still early." Elliot had put his arm that was around the back of the booth on her shoulder, curling his fingers around her arm, shaking her just a bit, pulling her to him. The shock of his touch, the fire that ran through her body nearly rendered her mute. "Um...See you guys Monday." Finding her voice, at last, she nodded to everyone, slid out of the booth and left.

- - - - - - - -

Elliot was right. It was early...only 7:20 and she did not feel like going home just yet. She decided to go back to the precinct and finish up the file she had been working on earlier. Just over an hour later, she closed the folder and stretched. Glad that is finished, she thought. Now Monday will be free to start afresh on another case.

Half way home she realized she was starving, so she had the driver drop her off few blocks down from her apartment where there were several restaurants and delis. Deciding she was tired of eating out all the time, she went into Sid's Deli, and picked up a some meats, cheese, bread and makings for a salad. On the way home, she kept thinking about everything with her and Elliot. She thought about how his touch, no matter how slight, set fire coursing through her veins. She had to quit thinking about things like this. She decided she was not doing very well at making a life of her own. Guess it will take some time.

She was still deep in thought when she rounded the landing on her floor, busying herself looking for her keys while balancing the bags of food. Totally not in cop mode, because she was not the least bit aware of her surroundings. When she found the keys, she was almost to her door and as she looked up, she nearly fainted. Elliot was sitting on the floor, leaning on the wall by the door, with his arms wrapped around his knees.

Their eyes met, he stood, taking the bags from her, smiling. "Hey. Let me take those for you."

She readily gave them up, due to shock more than anything. "What are you doing here?"

"Umm...I don't know...we..uh..didn't really have a chance to talk earlier and then you left. Thought I'd just drop by...but then you weren't home. I decided you wouldn't have lied about being tired and so I would just wait until you left or came home." He grinned the full blown Stabler smile.

She put the key in the lock and opened the door. He continued, "Because actually, I thought you were home but just didn't want to let me in."

"Why would you think that?" They both stepped in and she closed the door, locking it.

"That you were home or that you wouldn't let me in?"

She shrugged and raised her eyebrows. "Both."

"Well, you said you were tired, so I figured you would have come home. And then when you didn't answer the door, I figured you just didn't want to deal with me." He was biting his lip...he's nervous. Why?

"Maybe I was asleep," she said.

"Oh, but you weren't."

"But I could have been."

"You weren't home, Liv."

"And your point is...?" He chuckled and she smiled.

"So, where did you go? Find a better party?" He was making a stab at humor, but was really afraid that is exactly what she did. He followed her to the kitchen, setting the bags on the counter.

Olivia shook her head and said, "Yea...much better party, not that it's any of your business." Hanging her jacket up, she bent to pull off her boots. She carried them to her bedroom and returned to the kitchen. In the minutes before she continued, his stomach dropped to his knees.

"Went back to the house and finished up the Anders file. You know his arraignment is late next week, right?" Was that relief that just washed over his face, she thought. Over Anders? How weird. "Then I went to the deli and here I am. Meet your approval, Dad?"

"Oh...yeah...okay. Thanks for finishing Anders...I'll help you out with the Ramsey paperwork Monday."

"Okay. Listen, I got all this stuff at the deli cause I'm sick of eating out and I haven't eaten since lunch, and it is now...", glancing up at the clock on the microwave, "...9:21. So are you in for a sandwich?" She asked, taking things out of the bags and setting them on the kitchen counter.

"Hey, I'm always in for food...especially when its free." He leaned against the counter next to her.

"Can you slice the bread and tomato? I'll get everything else together."

They spent several minutes building their sandwiches. Olivia made the salad, pulled out two bottles of water...she had meant to pick up a bottle of wine but forgot. They sat at the table and began eating. Neither of them seemed to know what to say. She longed for the time when the silence between them was soothing like a balm that offered healing. Not awkward like it had become in recent years. He knew what he wanted to say, and she was sure that whatever he had to say she did not want to hear it.

Pushing back from the table, he cleared it off and began putting everything up. "Great idea, Liv. The sandwiches." He came back to his seat and began playing with the label on his bottle of water.

She knew he was getting ready to talk and she found herself waiting in dread of the words. He cleared his throat. "Liv, we...we have to talk...about the other night."

Here it comes. The reckoning she had been worrying about, knowing it was inevitable. She sat frozen, unblinking, unmoving, staring at the table. That tight feeling is back...you know, the one in her stomach. "There is nothing to talk about, Elliot."

"Nothing? All that happened, all that was said...that was...nothing?" He stood and rubbed his hands up and down over his face. "You gotta be kidding me." He said this more to himself than to her. Here we go again. How can she get him so riled up in such a short time with so few words? She could be a pure pain in the butt.

"Elliot, nothing really happened and what good will it do to talk about what was said? Huh? Nothing will change...hell, everything has already changed and...I...we...just...forget it, okay?" The tightness was getting stronger.

"I can't forget it! Olivia, look at me and tell me you don't feel it , too." He pleaded. His eyes were so blue, like the ocean, she thought she could just dive into them and drown. Yea, drown all the confusion, all the pain, all the anguish away.

Looking into those ocean blue eyes, she wanted to scream, 'Yes! Yes!! I feel it too!' She wanted to jump into his arms, wanted to feel him against her again. Hear his heart beat with hers. She wanted to hold him, kiss him, finally know how his lips and mouth would feel, taste. She wanted his hands roaming her body, while hers felt every dip and crevice of his muscles. She wanted to know what it would feel like to make him hers.

Breaking their gaze, she shook her head, more in an attempt to clear her thoughts, than to answer negatively before speaking. "Sometimes things are better left unsaid, Elliot, and really, this is one of those times." She went back to staring, this time at the floor.

He walked over to her, leaned down and put his finger under her chin to make her face him. Then he took hold of her arms, slid down to grab her hands and pulled her up to stand in front of him. Without her boots on, he seemed much taller, much bigger than normal.

She knew it was beyond dangerous to stand there like that with him. So, she moved to walk into the living room. He caught her right hand as she did and pulled her back. "Liv, please...just talk to me...we have to figure out...what..." His eyes were searching hers and she felt herself starting to lose her fight for control. She had to strike back before he annihilated the fortresses of her mind, her heart.

"There is nothing to figure out. It's getting late. Shouldn't you be at home with Kathy and the baby?" She watched as he visibly paled. But even that comment was not enough to deter him from his mission.

"Her mother is with them. They're fine." He still had not released her hand.

Pulling away, she was able to put a little more distance between them physically. "Elliot, what is the use of talking about this...this...whatever it is? It won't change anything..."

"How do we know? Liv, I feel like I am losing my mind...I can't go on like...you are..."

"Look, Elliot, I can't keep waiting for you...

"Waiting for me? Waiting for me to what?" He seemed baffled by her statement.

"Nothing, Elliot, nothing...I just need to...for myself, I...I have to...move on, okay...I have to..."

Before she knew what had happened or had time to react, Elliot was on her, in her face. This was a classic Stabler rage in full blown fury. No wonder he had earned the nickname 'the UnStabler'..

"Move on?!" He interrupted her, his voice loud, scratchy. "What do you mean? You gonna run away again? You wanna another partner? Huh? Gonna go back to computer crimes? The Feds? What? Just what the hell does 'move on' mean, Liv? Tell me!" The vein in his neck was pulsating, his face was red, jaw clenching, and his fists were opening and closing, as he seemed to fight for every breath. That new, calmer Elliot was nowhere to be found tonight.

If she left him again, Elliot really thought that would be the end of him. He would finally lose what slight grasp he had on sanity and it would all be over. They would come to get him, put him a straight jacket and he would live the remainder of his life in a mental institution. He felt like he might lose that grasp even tonight.

She was terrified to move, speak, even breathing did not seem like a good idea at the moment. But she knew he expected an answer. Swallowing hard, she began. "Elliot, I just meant that I..can't...I, no, I don't want another partner...and I'm not going anywhere...I just...we...can't be like we were...before..."

"Before? Before what, Liv?" Fury was still raging through him. He had moved closer, grabbing her by her shoulders, roughly holding her. "

"Before...the divorce...before everything fell apart...we can't be the friends we were before..." She was barely able to continue. Her throat was so dry.

"Oh, that's just great! Now you're telling me you don't want to be friends?!" He released his grip on her. "Damn, Liv, you sure know how to slice a guy up with your words! I can't believe this!" He whirled around from her, placed his hands on the door just slightly above his head, leaning into it. He made an attempt to calm down.

"Elliot, that's not what I meant...you will always be my friend, my best friend. I just can't continue to make you the center of my life anymore...you have a family...a world outside of work. I have nothing. I need to start making my own world, too..."

"You have nothing? What am I , Liv? What am I?" The sorrow in his voice, not soft, was heart wrenching.

"El, you're my best friend, but you have Kathy and the kids. I don't belong in that world. I need to make my own..." If only she could make him understand.

"You say you don't belong in my world. Olivia, you are my world. But you don't want me in your world, you don't want me as your friend...don't do this, Liv, please...don't..." He was shaking his head, and she knew by the way he had calmed so quickly, that his hurt had taken the place of the anger. He was hurt. Terribly.

Timing is everything, so they say. Whoever the heck 'they' are, they were right. Because her home phone chose just that moment to ring. There was no way she was about to answer it or even acknowledge that she heard it while they were in the middle of this discussion, argument, fight or whatever you call it.

After several rings, he sighed and turned back toward her. "You gonna get that or not?"

"No. Whoever it is can wait. This is more important." She still stood in the same place.

After the seventh ring, it went to voice mail. In a split second, the tightness in her stomach became nausea. In a split second she knew she should have answered the phone. No, no, no!! She screamed in her mind when the voice came on. Oh, please, please, please no. She closed her eyes tightly, took a deep breath and readied herself for the knockout round with the UnStabler.

"Hey, Liv. Guess you're not home." Dean Porter's deep voice filled the room. "Two things. You free for drinks again after work Tuesday? I'll be over that way for court in the late afternoon. And do you like plays? One of the guys had tickets for "The Homecoming" but his mom's sick so he will be out of state. Offered them to me. Friday night. Give me a call if you get in by 11:30...otherwise call me tomorrow. G'night."

Olivia's eyes darted around the room, fearful of meeting Elliot's cold, hard, stare. Oh, she knew it was cold and hard even without seeing it. She felt it.

"Again?" He snorted. "So, that means you must have had drinks with him at least once? And lunch. Oh, I get it, now. You're dating this scumbag." His voice was so low, it vibrated off the walls.

She felt her blood pressure rising. "He's not a scumbag and I'm single, Elliot. I'm allowed to date and I do not need your permission. I can date whoever I want and you do not get a say in that!" She hissed back. She knew they had to have this talk, settle things between them, but this was not the reckoning she had envisioned. Not at all.

His laugh was cold, almost cruel. "That's right, defend him. This is what all that crap about not waiting, about moving on meant. You're moving on with Porter. You couldn't stand him when you came back from Oregon, Liv. What happened? Huh? Suddenly discover he's rich or something? Or is he your current flavor of the month or maybe just one of your one-night stands? That's right Deany boy...buy her dinner or a drink and you too can be on the list of men who've had their heart trampled by One-Night-Stand Olivia. Just how long are you gonna let _him_ stay in your world? Does he know how you go through guys? Does he know that relationships with St. Olivia never last?" He knew the words coming out his mouth were vicious and unfair, but he could not stop them any more than he could stop the pain that was settling in his heart, threatening to suck the life out of him. He watched as the tears consumed her eyes and her face reacted to every brutal thing he said. He hated himself for it.

That was it. She knew he was hurt. But, damn him, he had no right to be hurt, no right to be acting like she could not date Dean Porter. No right to act like he had some kind of hold over her, or that she owed him an explanation for her social life. And certainly no right to make her sound like a two-bit hooker. She could date every single guy in all of the five boroughs if that was what she wanted. Sleep with everyone one of them, too! And there was not a thing he could say about it. Not a thing he could do about it!

She ran toward him, her vision blurred by tears falling in torrents, screaming at him, pushing him, hitting him in the chest with her fists. "Get out! Get out, Elliot! Just get out!! I don't want to look at you, hear you! I want you out!!" He finally caught her wrists, jerking her to him.

The emotions in her eyes changed rapidly, but he saw every one. Felt every one. Fear, shock, hurt, devastation, anguish and finally anger. There was only one he did not see in her eyes, but felt deeply within himself. Guilt. Guilt because he had put all those other emotions in her eyes, her heart. Guilt because she was right. He had no place saying the things he did, being angry, jealous that she was entitled to a life of her own, a life where he would have no place. He knew he was hurting her, but right now his own emotions were so totally out of control, he simply could not keep himself from continuing on this path. The only way to survive was to hurt her like she was hurting him.

Leaning over her, the gravelly whisper of his voice spat out his heart-stopping words right in her ear. "Oh. Don't worry, Olivia. I'm out of here and out of your freaking world, my friend." The way he emphasized 'friend', made her shudder. The slamming of the door, shook the walls and echoed through the apartment. The winner for round two is...Elliot Stabler. Olivia Benson, stood for just a second, staring at the door, trembling, before she crumpled to the floor and began to cry.

- - - - - - -

**A/N: **_I promise this is EO. Do you like how it is going so far? Is the interaction between Elliot and Olivia believable or out of character? Appreciate your comments and reviews. Thanks! " ) _


	7. Reasons

**Chapter 7 - Reasons**

Elliot felt the fury running through him as if electricity had replaced the blood in his veins. He was still having a hard time breathing. Porter. Son of a... One punch. Just one punch dead center in the face. One time. That was all he would need. Just one perfectly placed punch. Of all the people she could be with, she had to pick Porter. Sanctimonious, arrogant, and a fibbie! Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI.. The thought of her with him...his hands on her...don't go there. Do not go there. Man, Stabler, you are one screwed up jerk. You don't own her. You have a wife. She's single. She owe's you nothing. Nothing. She has every right to date and yet you basically call her a slut and then storm out like you were the one wronged. He was going to go insane before it was all over.

The drive home seemed shorter than normal. In part because Elliot was so absorbed with the thought of Olivia and Porter together, so deep in thought, the minutes flew by. In part because he simply did not want to go home. He wanted to be anywhere but home. It had become a constant reminder of why he could not be where he really wanted, with whom he wanted. He pulled into the driveway, turned off the car and sat looking at the house which was dark except for the glow from the light that he knew was on over the kitchen sink. He did not want to face Kathy. Or her mother. Or his new son. He loved him, but right now his battle over his feelings for Olivia were consuming him physically, emotional, mentally. He knew he had to find a way to manage those feelings before they consumed his life, him and everyone around him. He feared he was probably past the point of no return because, if he were truthful, he already felt consumed. He had agreed to come home and by doing so, it meant he needed let Liv go. He thought he already had but that was merely a joke. A delusion. Even after tonight with the things he said, things he did not mean, he knew he had to let her go. But how? She was more a part of him than his arms or legs or any of his vital organs. Olivia Benson was inside of him.

Finally, he made his way to the house. Please, let them all be asleep, he offered a silent prayer. He stepped in, looking around. There was no one. As quietly as he could, he went up the stairs. He checked on all the kids, listened for several minutes to the soft breathing and watched the steady rise and fall of the baby's chest as he slept. He decide to skip the shower, suddenly very tired, and just go to bed.

He stripped out of his clothes, pulled on a pair of sweat pants and crawled into the bed as slowly as he could, hoping not to waken Kathy. Settling in, he was careful not to bump her as he lay down on his back staring at the ceiling.

Out of the darkness, her voice came softly. "Hi."

"Sorry...didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't. Not really. I keep listening for the baby."

"Yea." His answer was short, in hopes of not encouraging conversation.

"How was tonight?" She asked turning toward him and placing a hand on his chest.

"What?" Did she know? How could she know? Did she just sense something?

"You said you were going out for drinks. How did it go?"

"Oh, yea...uh...it was fine." The guilt in his voice seemed apparent to him. Did she hear it, too?

"Did everyone go?"

"Yea. I'm really tired. Night, Kath." He knew what she really wanted to know was did Olivia go with them. Though he did not tell her, he knew that she knew Olivia was there. She was always there. Whether he needed her or not. Whether he even knew he needed her. There. Always. He turned away from Kathy. But he sleep evaded him. He replayed their argument, dissecting it into the smallest segments, inspecting each word, sentence, syllable, inflection of voice to find the meaning, whether it lay blatantly before him or hidden in the tumble of words. She had said she couldn't keep waiting for him. Did that mean she was waiting for him to leave Kathy now? Or was that before? Had she been waiting for the divorce to be final? How long had she been waiting? Did that mean that when they were separated that she was waiting for him to make a move? To show her he felt what she did? Is that why she never really dated or ever had a serious relationship with a man? Oh, dear God, what was he going to do? He was fully aware he could not go on like this much longer. He was going insane.

- - - - - - - -

Saturday morning was bright, the sun streaming into the bedroom. He was awake long before Kathy or the older kids. He changed and fed the baby, played with him for awhile and then put him back down for a nap. He dozed, off and on, sitting in the recliner. In between the bouts of sleep and hazy wakefulness, his thoughts warred within, taking on a life of their own. In his mind, he kept seeing Liv in that hospital corridor, covered in what he later found to be the blood and fluid from his son's birth. He kept seeing the sadness and some other emotion in her face...resignation? If only he could go back in time, back to another corridor, in another hospital, another situation, he would change that conversation, thus, changing the destiny of what had become his world.

"If that sniper hadn't beaten you to it... I know you would have taken that shot, Olivia."

"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to? Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"

"I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."

"What about me?"

"Look, we both chose each other over the job. We can never let that happen again. Otherwise... we can't be partners."

"I can't believe you're saying that."

"Look, you and this job are about the only things that I've got anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it.

Instead of walking away from her, he would find a way to voice his true feelings for her. All the reasons he could not lose her. He would explain his last statement to her that day. 'I couldn't take it. I couldn't take not having you in my life. I couldn't take losing you, Liv, through messing up the relationship we have because I tried to change it, make it more, or, God forbid, through death. Because it would not be one death, but two. I would never survive because you are not just my partner, my best friend anymore. You mean everything to me. When you are not with me, I'm restless, searching, as though a part of me is missing. When you are around, I feel like the last piece of the puzzle that is my life has been found. I am complete." And finally, he would tell her the one thing he knows she does not want to hear from anyone, because she is not sure she believes in it. Not sure it really even exists. He would tell her anyway and somehow he would make her believe in it. 'I love you.' But he was with Kathy and Olivia had Porter. And there was not much he could do about it, was there? He had to let her go. It had to be over.

- - - - - - -

It did not matter that Elliot said she was his world. Apparently, she was not important enough to be in his world, so he must not care that much. That statement was overshadowed by the bitter, vicious words he spoke later. It did not matter that she knew Elliot had no right to be angry at her for dating, for having a life apart from him. She could rationally assess all that was said and done but it came down to one fact. It did not matter what she thought, because the words he spoke pierced her heart as surely as arrows carefully aimed, intent on their mission...her complete destruction. Every time she was alone, she could hear those words echoing in her head, reminding her that she was not good enough to have someone care, not the kind of woman someone would want as a wife, she was incapable of maintaining a relationship, incapable of loving or being loved. She was damaged beyond repair. That is what she heard in his words. Well, the mission was complete and she did not want to think about what that meant. So, she tried not to be alone. Instead, she forced herself to accept a several invitations, but even so the weekend seemed to last forever.

Saturday Casey dragged her to Jersey to the outlet malls which took up nearly the whole day. They were eating lunch at the food court in one of the malls, when she told her about the fight she and Elliot had Friday night. Casey could not believe how Elliot had acted.

"He really said that?" Casey was incredulous that he could be so callous about her dealings with the men she dated.

"Yea. He did. Might as well have called me a slut." Olivia was playing with the straw in her chocolate milkshake.

"Well, you know he did not mean for it to sound like that..." Olivia gave her the raised left eyebrow look. "Well, maybe he did...but it was only because he is so jealous. Olivia, he is acting like he is your boyfriend, your lover!" Casey exclaimed.

"He is, isn't he? I just don't know what to do. I've been trying to be interested in Dean but every time things are going good, Elliot manages to jam it all up." She sighed and slurped the remaining bit of shake through the straw.

Casey was quiet for a long moment. Folding her napkin in half over and over, she haltingly asked, "There's not anything you need to tell me, is there?" She did not meet Olivia's cool stare.

Indignant that her friend felt the need to ask that question and knowing full well what she meant, Liv's voice showed her irritation. "Just what are you insinuating, Counselor?"

"I think you know where I am going with this..." Lifting her eyes, she met the daggers hurtling from Olivia's eyes.

"How about you just lay it on the line. Say it straight out, instead of issuing innuendos!" Anger laced her words, now, as her pupils disappeared and her eyes became hard and black, like lumps of coal.

Leaning across the table, holding Olivia's icy stare, Casey's voice softened. "Okay...since our last conversation about all of this, have you and Elliot been intimate? Have you done or said anything that would give him the impression that the two of you are an item. Because something sure seems to have given him the impression he has a right to be jealous. "

The coldness never wavered as Olivia's eyes narrowed. "Casey, I am only going to say this one time. Elliot and I are partners. We are best friends. Yes, we both apparently feel much stronger than that, but I...we...have never, ever crossed the line in that respect. He takes his marriage vows seriously and would never cheat on Kathy, and I respect that too much to ever let him. How could you ask me that after all I shared with you? I thought you were my friend." Tears were welling in her eyes and she blinked rapidly to keep them from falling.

Reaching over to pat her hand, Casey made her reply. "Because I am your friend, I had to ask. Liv, I am a little worried about this whole situation. If you have not done anything to encourage him, then the escalation of his jealousy may be cause for some concern."

"What do you mean? Are you talking physical abuse?" Violently shaking her head back and forth, her voice was almost a whisper. "El, would never hurt me, Casey. Never."

"Hopefully, after what you said he is mad enough to just leave you alone. But I doubt it. Love has a way of making people do crazy things. Jealousy makes them do dangerous things. Just be careful, Liv," she warned.

- - - - - - - -

Saturday evening Olivia met Simon and Lucy for dinner. Sunday afternoon, Dean talked her into going for a walk in the park. They got hot dogs from a street vendor and sat by the bay eating them. She had to admit she was finally able to quit thinking about Elliot, if only for a while, and found herself really enjoying the afternoon.

The weekend was over, Monday morning came with its blues intact, and she walked into the precinct, apprehensive about facing Elliot. She had no idea what to expect. Since she was running a bit late, she was surprised he wasn't already there. He usually came in right after her but his desk looked unchanged from Friday. Of course, now that she looked around, Lake was the only other detective there.

He chose that moment to look up and over at her. "Hey, Benson. Kind of late, aren't you? I mean...uh...for you. Rough night?"

Asking herself did Elliot come in and tell him they had fought, she stared at him for a long minute. No, he would never do that. Rough night? Yes. You could say that. "Nah. Just running a bit behind schedule. Where is everyone?"

He shrugged both shoulders, as a smile spread across his face. "Sorry. I just got here myself." He took a sip of the coffee he was holding in his hand and turned back to his computer.

Going to her desk, she started in on her days work, wondering and worrying about Elliot. When he still had not arrived by 8:25, her worry became more intense...was he sick? She could not remember him ever calling out sick, even when he was taking those anti-viral drugs that made him throw up all day. Had he been in an accident. Was something wrong with one of the kids or Kathy? More likely he was avoiding her after what had happened Friday, although that tactic was more in line with what she would do. It was killing her not to know where he was but she was certainly not going to ask anyone about him.

The creaking of Cragen's door opening, caused her to snap out of her imaginings, and hearing his bark, "Olivia, Lake!" she jumped. "Get down to PS104. Rape and beating in the girls' bathroom. Munch and Fin will meet you there." She grabbed her jacket , the keys to the sedan and she and Lake took off."

Two hours later, Munch and Fin were on the way to the hospital and she and Lake were back at the precinct. There were two suspects they wanted to run checks on and dump LUDs from their cell phones and a couple of fingerprints to check out before deciding what they should do next. There was still no sign of Elliot. She began running AFIS and sat back to wait for the results. Drinking her tea, she watched as the computer screen filled with running letters and numbers.

Cragen came out of his office and headed for the coffee pot. As he poured a cup, he asked Olivia, "What have you heard from Elliot about Lizzie?"

She frowned, sitting upright in her chair. Her heart skipped a beat. "'S'cuse me?"

"Lizzie. Have you heard whether or not they are going to have to do surgery?" He added sugar and stirred his coffee.

Her face registered surprise and concern. "I'm..I'm sorry. I haven't heard from Elliot. Surgery? What's wrong?"

Cragen was more than puzzled. Elliot had not called Olivia? Not good. "She slipped in the shower last night, broke her leg. Pretty bad. They were waiting to hear if she was going to have to have surgery when he called this morning."

He paused, looking at the troubled expression on Olivia's face. "I thought he would have called you."

She sat transfixed, so many thoughts going through her mind, they were running into each other, wrapping around and around threatening to cut the blood supply from her brain. We shredded each others insides and then ripped them out Friday night, Captain. We emotionally eviscerated each other. Of course, he did not call me. He hates me. Why on earth would he call me, she thought.

She said nothing.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she was frowning and he could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. "You okay, Liv?" Concern etched his face. He knew something was wrong. Very wrong. He found himself switching to 'father' mode, wanting to make every thing right for her.

"Huh? Oh...um...yea., I'm..I'm fine." She forced herself to answer him. What she wanted, was to scream, 'No. No. I am NOT okay. NOT fine. Haven't been in a long. Don't think I ever will be again!"

- - - - - -

One more time. That's it, one more time. If he does not answer, she was not calling again. She had called his cell dozens of times, leaving three messages. She had even called his home phone, hoping maybe one of the kids would answer. She wondered what she would do if Kathy answered instead and well, she thought she would just hang up. But there was no answer and no one called her back. She went to tell Captain Cragen she had not been able to get in touch with Elliot. He had not bothered to call Cragen either and it was going on 11:30. She had just as she come out of the Captain's office and was about to sit down when she saw Elliot walk into the squad room. Their eyes locked, looking away first, he said nothing as he walked past her into Cragen's office and shut the door.

Several minutes later he came out, hung up his jacket and sat down, not even glancing at Olivia. He moved the mouse to activate the computer's log on screen and began typing.

She realized he was not going to volunteer any information, so she ventured to ask. "Cap'n told me about Lizzie. How is she?"

"Two breaks. Cast up to her hip." He did not bother to look at her.

"Did she have surgery?"

"No. Breaks were clean."

"Guess that's good."

"Yea." With that he got up and went to the file room. Olivia felt the chasm between them widen.

- - - - - - -

Elliot had wanted to call Olivia when Lizzie fell. He wanted to just hear her voice, because he knew she would calm him and assure him his baby girl would be fine. But there was no way he would do that after the fight they had Friday night. She did not want him to be part of his world, she said they could not even be friends, so why would it cross his mind to call her and tell her about his daughter's injury? If she was mad about it, she had no one to blame but herself.

- - - - - - - -

Tuesday had been one of those rare quiet days in SVU. Elliot wondered if she was meeting Dean for drinks that evening like he had asked on the message. All day long he told himself he was not going to think about it, that he did not care. She had as much as told him she did not want him as her friend or even in her life, for that matter. All day long he thought about it. All day long he wondered.

It had been almost fifteen minutes since she left, so he figured he could leave now with no risk of running into her. Or them. Just as he was about to exit the precinct, he caught sight of her standing at the bottom of the steps, looking first one way then the other. He paused and stood watching out the window of the door. What's the matter, Liv, GQ boy stand you up? Told you he's a jerk. Wind blew her bangs into her face and she would shake her head back and then run her hands through in an attempt to put them in their place. The wind blew it again, and again she performed her ritual. He could watch her forever. A smile started across her face. He loved that smile but right now it was like a punch to the gut. It was for someone else. Yea, there comes Porter in his dark suit, black overcoat, dark hair perfectly cut. Should be a law against a guy having so much hair. He's smiling, too, as he comes up to her. Taking her by her left arm, he leaned toward her and kissed her on her cheek. Elliot felt the rage engulf him. He held onto the long bar handle on the door like his life depended on it, willing it to hold him, keep him grounded where he was, instead of bounding down the steps to beat the crap out of Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI. He watched as Porter put his arm around Olivia's shoulder, she leaning into him as they turned down the block. His fist connected with the trash can by the door, sending it and it's contents flying. So much for anger management classes.

- - - - - - - -

Olivia could not believe what a good time she had with Porter. She had made up her mind that, no matter what, she was going to give her social life her best. In the past she was too busy comparing her dates to Elliot and since no one else was Elliot, they never measured up and rarely last more than a week or two. Once in a while someone would last a month or even a couple of months, but that was ever more rare.

And she had to admit Porter was good looking. He had beautiful, sparkly brown eyes, with long black lashes, his hair was thick and dark and when he smiled he had these cute dimples. He was tall, too. An inch or maybe two, taller than Elliot. Ooops...not suppose to compare. While he was trim and muscular, he was not muscled and cut like Elliot who was hard as a brick. She had always thought that Elliot was hard, but now she knew it because she had been held to his chest and felt it for herself. She doubted Porter worked out even half as much. Some habits did hard, it seems...comparisons just seem to came natural to her.

So, far they had gone to lunch two times, had coffee late one night, drinks two times after work, walked in the park, and Friday night he was taking her to see the play. Six times they had been together in less than two weeks. And he hadn't even kissed her other than a peck on the cheek. She found herself wondering what he would be like to kiss. Would he be gentle and tender or rough and demanding? Would he let her pace them or would he insist on taking the lead? She really had no idea because she did not really know him. But she somehow knew Elliot would be all of those things and more. Though there was no legitimate reason for it, she suddenly she felt guilty for even thinking about Porter kissing her.

- - - - - - - -

At home, Kathy stood by helplessly as Elliot became increasingly sullen and uncommunicative. No different than he had ever been. For awhile he had tried to be different, tried to show an interest in Kathy's daily happenings around the house and with the baby. He had no problem spending time with the kids, it was just Kathy. She still complained about him having odd hours and being gone so much even though he had really made an effort to be home every evening for dinner and to spend some time with the kids and her. Even when they had something pressing on the job, he would come home long enough to eat with his family and then head back to the station or crime scene to finish up. It still wasn't enough for Kathy. He'd have to be damned banker with banker's hours to make her happy. He wasn't even sure if that would do it. Things really were no different between them, because he had not really changed and neither had she. Deep down he was sure she knew just as well as he that the reason he came home had nothing to do with her or them as a couple. It was because of the baby. It only took a couple of months before she had started to nag him again about changing jobs. Not gonna happen. Sorry. No, heck, no. He was not sorry. He loved SVU and he was not leaving. Of course, the job, as much as he loved it, was only part of the reason he would never leave. The other part was a stubborn, hard to get along with, pain in the butt, headstrong detective named Olivia Benson.

"Honey, is something wrong? You've been so quiet lately..." Kathy knew he hated questions like this. But she felt like she was losing him all over again, if she ever even had him again.

"Nothing's wrong, Kath." He was sitting on the couch with his head leaned back, beer in hand.

"Is it the accident? We should just be thankful and not dwell..." She sat down beside him.

"I don't think about the accident..." Not about you in the accident anyway. But if Liv had...can not think about it right now.

"Is it a case or something at work, then? You know you can talk..." She put a hand to his shoulder.

"Didn't you hear me? I said nothing is wrong!" He sat up, looking at her, daring her to keep asking questions. Her hand fell to her lap. He leaned back again. She did not get the hint.

"Okay." She paused, watching him. "So, how is Olivia? Is she over all the soreness?"

"What? She..yea...she's fine...I guess."

"You guess?"

"We haven't really...she...look, I...I don't feel like having a conversation right now, okay. I just wanna drink my beer and sit here and be quiet. Is that okay with you?" His eyes were midnight as he squinted at her, silently demanding she not say another word.

He knew he was being snappy but he just did not have it in him to sit here and chit chat with Kathy. Especially not about Olivia. Especially not when he was sitting there thinking about her being with Porter, picturing her walk away in his arms. Tears sprung to Kathy's eyes and he was sorry, but he made no effort to show her or tell her. She left him to drink his beer, sit and be quiet. And think. About Olivia.

- - - - - - - -

**A/N:** I promise this is EO; by Olivia dating Dean, Elliot is forced to come to terms with his jealousy and the fact that she is not always going to be available. She is going to finally make her own world...with or without him. And besides, Olivia is too beautiful and too kind-hearted not to have a man! It is time for her to have a real relationship, a little action and not be so lonely! Can you hear me, NBC??


	8. Rumors

**Chapter 8 - Rumors**

The sound of music blaring, along with the roar of the crowded bar, was pushing the pain level in Olivia's head up several notches. Why she agreed to go out with Dean for drinks again tonight when she was not feeling well, she was not sure. Last night she had a great time with him and Friday they were going to the play. That would be three nights this week they had been together. Four if you count the walk in the park on Sunday. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, that sounded like they were dating, even to her. She was trying to concentrate on what Dean was saying, but she must have failed miserably, because he started laughing in the middle of her reply.

"What? Why are you laughing?" She really had no clue, but started smiling.

"You seemed to be in another world, so tested you. I just told you that my wife thought I must be seeing someone, because I am never home. And you said, 'That is so wonderful, Dean.' What's going on, Liv?" His tone was light and his face held just the remnant of his smile.

She was embarrassed. "Oh, Dean, I am so sorry...this week has been...it's been rough...really kicked my butt...I have a pounding headache and I am so tired...and I still have two more days of the week!" Yea, tired of all the crap between me and Elliot, tired of playing these games we always seem to continually get sucked into without even realizing it. Tired of feeling guilty because I am seeing you. Tired of always comparing other men in my life to him. Tired of wanting someone she could not have. She really needed to talk to Casey. Maybe she would give her a call later.

"Feel like talking about it? Sometimes all it takes is verbalizing what's on your mind." He offered.

She looked at him and could not help but wonder for the hundredth time, what was wrong with her that she could not be content to be with this handsome guy that treated her with nothing but respect.

"Oh, I'm sure you don't want to hear about all my troubles at work."

"Try me. May not be able to help, but like I said, sometimes talking is all that is needed." How could she look so good after working all day?

She had met him right after work without going home to change. She had on a dark wine blouse with the top three buttons undone and a dark charcoal-gray tank top or t-shirt under it. Her black dress slacks were tight but not too tight and she wore ankle high black boots and one of her black leather jackets. Her lips were shiny with some kind of gloss. She must have a thousand tubes of that stuff. He could not remember ever seeing her lips without it and she was forever reapplying it. He could stare into her eyes all night. They were almond shaped and just beautiful. Like her.

"Well...Cragen has had me working with Lake some and while he's a good cop, he's green to SVU, you know." She explained, while twirling her watch around and around over her wrist.

"Lake, huh? The younger guy, Hispanic? Dark hair." He seemed to be trying to recall a picture of Chester Lake in his mind.

"Native American. He still doesn't quite understand we do things a bit different than Homicide. Just makes it a little difficult when we go out on a case. Been one of my stressors for the week." She drained the remainder of beer from her bottle.

"Hmm. Where's Stabler that you aren't working with him? He one of your stressors, too?" He asked, watching as her eyes became guarded as though she were attempting to hide any emotion that may be in them.

"He's there. Just been working mostly with Munch this week. Fin's been in court a lot. He's always a stressor for me." She did not look at Porter as she spoke. The label on her beer bottle suddenly seemed to require her undivided attention.

Please don't keep asking questions, she begged him silently inside her head. She did not want to discuss Elliot but now it seemed she would have to or it would cause him to really start wondering about things. She sure set herself up for this. Lady luck never seemed to shine on her and obviously she was not going to start now.

"Thought you two were partners. Why aren't you working together?" His eyes never left her.

"Sometimes, the Captain likes to mix things up. Keeps us on our toes." She could almost believe that herself, she thought.

"Word is he's a hothead with a violent temper. He ever get violent with you?" Porter sensed he was treading on thin ice, but he was not quite sure why.

"No! Where the hell did you hear that?" Her head jerked up and her eyes narrowed as a frown overtook her face. No mistaking the emotion in her eyes, now. Fury. Fury with a dash of protectiveness.

"Come on, Liv. You know all the law enforcement agencies trade stories and gossip. He's known as the UnStabler. Can't blame me for wondering if he ever directs his anger at you. You do work close together."

All the time. But no matter, his anger only lasts two years or so. That's one of the reasons we are not speaking right now, she thought. "He does have a temper, but Elliot would never lay a hand on me. He's not like that. Perps, yea, he could go a round or two with, but he's not like that with me." She could not believe she was having to defend Elliot to Dean. Especially about this.

Dean debated on whether to keep this going. He made his decision. "I've also heard about some pretty heavy arguments between the two of you. You sure about him...that he would never get violent with you?"

"Damned gossipers. Yea, we can get in each other faces and go at it sometimes, so what! Elliot Stabler has been my partner and best friend for almost nine years. Sometimes, I think I know him better than I know myself and I know he would never get violent with me. He could never hurt me because...because...he...he just...could never hurt me." Almost slipped up on that one.

"Because why, Liv?" He asked softly.

"Just because." She wanted this to be over. The pain in her head had jumped up another notch.

He was silent for a minute or so before continuing. "I've heard other things, too, Olivia." He had to hear it from her that they were just that, rumors.

"What things?" Her anger was rising along with her blood pressure. She was positive where this was leading and was already trying to decide how to line up her defenses and lie with enough sincerity to make it sound truthful. She held her breath.

"About you and Stabler." He worked to keep his voice low and void of accusation.

He was not going to make this easy. Rolling her eyes, she sighed heavily. "What about us?"

"You know, that you guys have a thing for each other. That you're a couple. You broke up and that was why you left SVU. Twice. Computer Crimes and then undercover."

"A thing? What? We had been partners for seven years. Most don't last more than two. Yea, we are close. Have a great partnership and friendship. We were going through a rough patch and needed a break. I went to Computer Crimes for a few weeks And I went undercover because Star practically left me no choice."

"There are always choices, Olivia. Are you telling me the rumors have no basis."

"You know what, this conversation is over." She stood and put on her jacket. "Believe what you want to believe, Dean. My head is killing me, I'm tired and I am going home. Now." With that she turned toward the door, leaving Dean behind as she left the bar.

"Olivia! Wait!" Standing up and taking some money from his wallet, he threw a couple of bills on the table and ran to catch up with her. "Olivia, wait! I'll see you home."

She was mad that any of this about her and Elliot came up. Mad because she set herself up for Dean's inquisition. Mad at him for having the audacity to bring it up. Mad at the entire NYPD for being such gossip mongers. Mad at Elliot for being Elliot. Mad at herself for falling for Elliot. Mad that people could not mind their own business. Mad that the damn rumors did have a valid basis. She knew that if she had any hope of making Dean believe they did not, she had to get over her indignation about this evening and play nice.

When the cab pulled up to her building, Dean got out and held the door for her. He walked her to the door, standing there as though he was not sure what to do or say. She turned to him, putting her right hand on his chest. "Listen, I'm really sorry about earlier, Dean. It's just that, well, you aren't the only who hears all the rumors. I hear them, too, and after almost nine years, I am pretty sick of it. Elliot and I have never crossed any line between our partnership, our friendship. He's married and I respect that. He's committed to his marriage and he would never step out on Kathy. So the rumors are just a little old, you know?"

She slid her arms around his waist and hugged him to her. He kissed her on the cheek. "No problem. Thanks for clearing things up for me. Get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow evening. Good night, Liv." She smiled and went into the building.

- - - - - - - -

These past two weeks things between them were just as bad, if not worse than before Olivia went undercover for the FBI. They did not talk unless it was essential to a case and even then they managed to find a reason to argue, a way to throw vicious barbs at one another. The tension was suffocating, not only to them, but to everyone around them. At first, Munch, Fin and even Lake had tried to lighten the atmosphere with jokes about their obvious enmity with one another. They were met with icy glares from Olivia and cursing and/or threats of bodily harm from Elliot. Eventually they left the two to deal with their conflict alone.

To an outsider, it may have appeared that Captain Don Cragen was oblivious to the disintegration, once again, of Olivia's and Elliot's relationship. Quite the contrary. He had watched them revert to their daily sparring matches alternating between quiet, hurtful jabs, angry shouting and icy silences that were anything but silent. He was extremely aware and had begun to engage in a daily discussion with himself over whether or not the time had come to split them. The idea of it sickened him on many levels. No matter their personal issues with one another, they were simply the two best detectives he had. Their case closure rate was unchallenged by any other pair. Though they were still good when they worked with other partners, the closure rate always dropped. For as much as they butted heads, they also brought out the best in each other when it came to solving crimes. They played off one another as though one was just an extension of the other's mind. He knew they were close, too close, even before he heard it from Dr. Hendricks, the psychologist that had evaluated them after Gitano. But he knew it was more than that...they needed each other, depended on each other. Simply because they were so close, he did not want to split them.

Not having children, all of his detectives had become, in many ways, his surrogate kids. He worried about them. Wanted the best for them. Advised them. He was especially close to Olivia and Elliot. Olivia because she was the only female in the group and it was natural to want to protect her. Even if she was probably less in need of protection than any women he had ever met. She became like his daughter with all the big brothers to look after her and, he the Dad standing on the sidelines making sure everything was alright. Elliot reminded him of himself when he was younger. Hot-headed, aggressive, wholly dedicated to the job. More than any of this, he considered them his friends and he knew them like the back of his hand. He thought he knew the reason for this latest round of animosity between them. The accident. Once again, Elliot was forced to consider the idea of losing Liv and it had brought feelings that were off limits, to the surface and Liv, being the one to, by all counts, save Kathy and the baby...that had to do something to her. They were the reason she could not be with Elliot. Well, no matter because this thing, whatever caused it, whatever it was, going on between them was beginning to affect the whole squad. Seems like everyone was in a bad mood when Olivia and Elliot were at odds. He cocked his head. Was that shouting, he heard?

"Where's the Inman file?" Elliot grumbled at Olivia. He was standing at his desk, hands on his hips. The sleeves of his light green shirt, rolled up to his forearms, baring the Marine tattoo on his right arm, his tie loosened and hanging off center.

Not looking up, she continued her internet search, typing in her queries. "I gave it back when I finished calling all his previous employers."

"Are you sure? Cause I don't see it." His voice was becoming more irritated in it's tone. He pushed files around on his desk.

Sighing heavily and rolling her eyes, she responded to her partner. "Elliot, I put it right there on that pile. It has to be on your desk. Mine is pretty cleared off and besides, I know I gave it to you."

"Don't you think that if I had the damn file, it would be on my desk and I could find it?" By now, the are attracting the stares of a few others in the room.

She got up and went around to his desk to help look. "I put it right here." She said picking up a few files. "What are you doing?" He snatched the files from her. Her mouth fell open, as her eyes widened. "You're so sure it is on my desk, huh? It's not on my desk! I've looked through everything twenty times!! You must still have it. Look on your own desk!!" He is shouting now.

"It is not on my desk, Elliot!!" Now her voice is raised, eyes narrowed, the anger undeniable.

"You know, Benson, if you would just put things back where they belong..." He jabbed his index finger at her, leaning so that he was right in her face.

"Me put things back? You're the one that always has a pile of folders a mile high thrown all over your desk, Stabler!" She is not backing down from him. They are both hollering now, not even pretending to be discreet with their angry exchange. Everyone in the room is now engaged in watching the showdown.

She pushed at him with one hand to his shoulder to get him out of her face. "Get out of my face!" She hissed. He straightened up and gave her a look filled with simmering rage. If she had not known him like she did, she would have sworn he was about to take a swing at her. Yea, right. Come on, big boy. Let's see what you got. They are calling each other by their last names. This means they are beyond mad...they are furious!

Just as the Captain came out of his office to see what the shouting match was about, Fin was coming away from the coffee table. "Stabler, you need to apologize to Liv, man. Here's your damn file." In his hand was the missing file. "Just laying on the table. Right where you left it when you got coffee awhile ago." Fin's anger with Elliot was apparent.

He held it up for Elliot and then as he reached for it, Fin threw it on his desk so hard it almost slid off. Elliot just barely caught it, knocking some other files onto the floor as he did. He then stared first at Fin and then Liv, offering nothing, especially not an apology. Liv just looked at him, disgusted and shook her head as she went back to her desk.

Cragen had had enough of their tantrums followed by embittered silences. Enough of their uncontrolled outbursts of anger and frustration. Time for a little talk was way overdue. "Benson! Stabler! My office now!"

He watched the two of them glare at each other, then begin walking toward him. As they entered his office he said, "Close the door. Sit down."

He motioned toward the two chairs side by side in front of his desk. Olivia sat in the far chair, leaning away from the other one. Elliot closed the door but remained standing. "Sir, I'd rather to stand."

With a cool stare, the Captain said, "I don't recall giving you that option." He looked Elliot in the eye until the younger man looked away and took a seat.

Going back to his desk, Cragen sat down. He looked at the two of them for several minutes before clearing his throat. Motioning toward the bullpen, he asked, "What was all that about?" Silence. Olivia looked away when he met her gaze. Elliot stared at him, eyes narrowed, jaw clenching. Neither said a word. "There seems to be a bit of tension between the two of you again lately. Anything you need to tell me?"

Reaching up to rub her neck, Olivia turned her head as her eyes looked slightly down. Elliot frowned deeper than he already was and shifted in the chair. "Olivia?" She looked up and into the eyes of her captain. All she saw was concern and worry. "No, Sir." His eyes held hers for a moment and then he nodded, just barley. He turned to Elliot.

"Elliot?" He shook his head back and forth as he said, "Can't think of thing, Sir." He sat ramrod straight, chin jutting outward. Okay. Okay. They may be mad as hell at each other but it is not enough to penetrate that basic bond between them, however tenuous it may be at the moment. They are still tight enough that they are gonna throw the blue wall up at him. Partners standing shoulder to shoulder against anyone and everyone, even if was another brother in blue, and in this case, their superior officer.

Keeping his voice as even as he could, he spoke. "Something is off between you. I know it, you know it, the whole damn squad knows it because whatever it is has begun to affect everyone around here. Now, you work this, whatever it is, out once and for all or you leave me no choice but to split you up. Third time, it's for good." He paused, letting the words sink in. "Do I make myself clear?"

Olivia could barely whisper, "Yes, Sir."

Elliot nodded grimly, "As a bell...Sir."

"Dismissed." Cragen just shook his head as his detectives left the office. Elliot went out ahead of Olivia not even attempting to be the gentleman he usually was by holding the door and allowing her to leave first. She followed, glancing back at the Captain, with a look on her face for which Cragen had no name.

Though he would never be able to explain it to anyone, he sensed the connection between those two detectives was something that was meant to be, something that could not be created just because you might want it. He sensed it the moment he introduced them as partners. It was that strong. It was fate, pure and simple. Well, maybe not so simple in this case, but Olivia and Elliot were destined for one another. And they truly had no control over it. Cragen was sure that after the Gitano mess, when Olivia left for computer crimes and then came back, that Elliot would make a move. He had been separated for over a year and he could have gotten together with Liv...oh, there was no doubt she had the same feelings for Elliot as he had for her...you'd have to be blind not see it...and because she had sort of admitted as much to him the day she came to his office asking for a new partner. All he needed to do was finalize the divorce, and they could have lived happily ever after. Instead, things went from bad to worse...Oregon...Dani...Simon...Kathy...the baby. No story book ending here.

- - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_The reviews are really inspiring me to get the chapters out quicker. Please let me know what you think. E/O is on the way!!! _


	9. Regret

**Chapter 9 - Regret**

Friday. The work day was nearly over for Liv. She was leaving early to get ready for her evening on Broadway with Dean. She was surprised how excited she felt, almost like a high school girl going on her first date. It was their first date, real date, anyway. They had met for coffee, lunch, drinks, the walk but, he had yet to take her to dinner or a movie or a play. Tonight they were going to dinner and then to see "The Homecoming". He would not tell her where they were eating, only that it was his favorite restaurant. This was definitely a real date! She knew just what she wearing, too. Her black, backless dress with sleeves that almost came off the shoulder, the neck a soft vee and strips of black satin that ran down the sides, like the strips on the pants that went with a tuxedo. Dean told her he was going to wear his tux. She tried to picture him and smiled. She had gotten her haircut last weekend on the trip to Jersey with Casey and her nails done yesterday during her lunch break. She could not remember the last time she had bothered with her nails.

Lost in her daydreaming about the evening to come, the voices around her did not register at first. "Liv? Liv? Are you still with us?" For the third time, Fin repeated his question.

Hearing Fin at last, she snapped out of her trance. "Huh? What? What did you say?"

Munch, grinning at her, spoke. "We've been trying to tell you it's time for you to go. You are still leaving early, right?" Sitting on the edge of her desk, he peered over his glasses at her.

"Someone gets to leave his place early?" Elliot asked as he walked into the bullpen. He had been in court most of the morning and all afternoon.

"Yea, Liv's got that hot date tonight with 'the suit'." Munch did his fingers in quote signs. "She's leaving early so she has time to primp properly, as if she's not already gorgeous." Munch wiggled his eyebrows up and down. She wished he would just shut up. Fin laughed.

The smile froze on Elliot's face but he recovered quickly. "Oh, yea. Going to that new play, right, Olivia?" She noticed he did not use her nickname.

"I bet she'll see a lot of new 'plays' tonight!" Fin said suggestively as he elbowed Elliot. Munch and Fin laughed uproariously.

The smile was gone now. Elliot looked at her and at the same time she glanced at him. His eyes narrowed just a bit. No one else would even have noticed. But she did. "Have a good time, Olivia." He sat down at his desk and started typing.

"Yea, Olivia, have a good time at play...I mean, at THE play" Munch said in a sing-song voice. Their laughter rang in her ears as she gathered her things and left for the evening.

- - - - - - - -

She and Elliot, in silent agreement, had managed not to bicker the last two and a half days. She was sure it was in great part due to Cragen's threat to permanently split them. No matter how awful things ever got between them, neither of them could take being apart, losing one another. Not really. Certainly not permanently. They always came back for each other. The were intertwined like a ball of string. No beginning. No end. This latest banter among her co-workers threatened to undo their progress. It was amazing how that short exchange of words completely ruined her frame of mind and upset Elliot. He tried not to act like it bothered him, her going on this date, but she knew it did. Why did they have to bring it up? Why did Elliot pick just that moment to walk in? Why did Fin have tease her about...well...you know? Why did she now feel guilty for having a date? Almost as though she was cheating on him? She wanted to smack Elliot.

His head in a file, anyone looking his way, would think Elliot was deeply engaged in his work, when the fact of the matter was that he had read the same few sentences about nine hundred times. But the only thing staying in his mind was Fin's comment about the 'new plays' and Porter being anywhere in the same zip code as Liv, let alone being close enough to put his hands on her! He felt physically ill and wondered how much longer he could sit there without having to make a trip to the restroom. Well, he would have to shape up soon because he and Kathy were going out for the evening, too. Maureen was keeping the baby and looking out for Lizzie. Dickie and Kathleen had plans with friends. Insisting that they have a 'date night' and spend some time alone, Kathy had planned the whole evening. They had reservations at Carmine's at 6:30, her favorite Italian place, then to see the Christmas decorations at Rockefeller Center, do a little shopping and then for coffee at the Starbucks that overlooked the river. The thought of this evening, having to act like an attentive, loving husband enjoying the company of his wife, coupled with those of Liv with Porter, sent him dashing to the restroom.

- - - - - - - -

The knock on her door came right on time. 5:45. Liv was so nervous. She took a deep breath, smoothed her hair and then her dress, looking in the mirror one last time. The black dress flowed down her body, hugging it in just the right places, the split on the right side came up mid-thigh and the hem swayed right above her knees. The dress left her shoulders exposed and her back bare almost half way down. Her shoes were black pumps with just a few diamonds spattering across the straps. They had four inch heels making her seem taller and more confident. She hoped the extra height made her seem confident, because she surely did not feel it. Her makeup was heavier than she wore everyday, but still looked fresh and natural. The new lip gloss was a perfect shade, accenting her olive complexion. She had chosen the diamond earrings and pendant that her mother had given her the Christmas before she died, to complete the outfit. Not one to be vain about her appearance, she had to admit she was pleased with the reflection that stared back. She smiled at herself and then rolled her eyes and headed for the door.

Her hands were sweating, knees weak and stomach churning. What's with this? She was not one to be nervous around a man. She worked around and with men. She was comfortable with men. She had dated so many guys it just was not a big deal. So why she felt this way tonight, she was not sure. Maybe because it had been a long time since she had a date? A real date. Oh, well, here we go. Another deep breath and she opened the door.

She was afraid the gasp she felt was audible. Dean stood before her in a traditional black tuxedo, white shirt w/French cuffs, black tie and cummerbund with his black overcoat and woolen winter scarf hanging over his left arm. His hair had been recently cut and styled, his brown eyes had an extra sparkle to them tonight. He was absolutely gorgeous! And he smelled divine!

He was smiling at her with an amused look on his face. "What's the matter? Did I forget to shave or something?"

"No, you just look...uh...you look great, Dean!" She felt the color rising to her cheeks.

"Thank you. And, you, my dear lady, are magnificently stunning! I can't believe I have the honor of escorting such beauty for the evening." Leaning toward her, he placed a light kiss on her cheek.

Olivia could do nothing to stop the rush of color coming to her cheeks once again, as she shyly smiled and whispered, "Thank you." He helped her with her long, black leather coat she had chosen for the evening and escorted her to the awaiting cab.

Dean was sure he had never seen a more exotically beautiful woman in his life. That she seemed truly unaware of the beauty she possessed made her all the more alluring. He thought he could spend the entire evening just gazing into her big, chocolate brown eyes. That dress she was wearing...she was a knock-out...that's all there was to it and she had agreed to go out with him. He would probably be fending guys off all night long! If Stabler had ever had a chance with Olivia Benson and blew it, well, that just proved that he was the idiot Dean thought him to be.

- - - - - - -

"So, you still haven't told me where we are going for dinner..." She asked turning from the cab window to look at him.

"Ever heard of Carmine's? Reservations are at 6:15. The atmosphere is wonderful. Food is great. My favorite thing though is the band. They are older guys who all came from Italy and you can dance to their music if you want. Do you dance?"

"Some. Really not very good at it. Not much call for dancing cops and my social life has been pretty much non-existent the last few years." She had heard of Carmine's, she just could not remember who had mentioned it. She tried to remember, but only for a few seconds.

- - - - - - - -

"Elliot, did you hear me?" Kathy sounded exasperated. Nothing new there, at least not when she's talking to him. He had been like this all night. In a world of his own and it was really getting old.

"Sorry...what?" Elliot asked, forcing himself to look into her eyes. He had been silently arranging the leftover food on his plate and thinking. About Liv, of course. With Porter.

"I said I am going to the ladies' room?" She stood, but kept looking at him. "Are you okay, El?"

"Fine. Just tired." He wasn't sure his attempt at a smile was at all successful.

With Kathy gone, he began looking around the restaurant at others enjoying their meals. Families, groups of business men and women, couples, some seemed happy and some looked as miserable as he felt. As he scanned the room, something clicked in his mind as his gaze took in one couple all the way to the back by the wall about six tables from him. Something vaguely familiar. His eyes quickly shifted back to them, this time to scrutinize. Oh, man! You gotta be kidding me!! What are the chances with all the hundreds of restaurants in New York City of them being here in the same restaurant, on the same night at the same time!!??!! But there they were. There sat Olivia and Porter. If you call that sitting. The table was small and Porter was as close to her as he could get without getting in her chair. Oh, man, she was so beautiful. And that dress! He had seen her in that dress before...when they were undercover...she was Rachel Martin then. He almost could not take his eyes off of her, then and now was no easier either. She threw her head back and laughed as Porter said something. Must have been pretty funny. But for the life of him he could not think of anything about Porter that should make Liv laugh. Porter reached up with a napkin and dabbed at a spot near her lips and then he leaned in and kissed her! And, because Porter's head covered her face, Elliot could not see if it was a kiss to the cheek or her lips. Or even really a kiss. No matter. The fury was back with a vengeance along with the beginnings of what he knew would be a major headache.

-----------

"Dance with me." Dean said as he stood and held his hand out toward Olivia. Holding his hand, she moved out from the table, letting him lead her to the dance floor.

Taking her left hand in his right, he then placed her right hand on his chest just above his heart and his left hand on her waist. He held her just close enough that their bodies were not actually touching. The glided easily along the floor. They danced this way for two songs.

Somewhere during the third song, he pulled her closer and kissed her lightly just below her ear and whispered, "Olivia, I enjoy being with you so much."

She found herself nearly melting from the kiss. "I enjoy being with you, too, Dean."

"You know for someone who said they weren't very good at dancing, you are doing just fine. Any other secrets you keeping from me?"

She laughed and replied. "If I told you, they wouldn't be secrets."

His right had slip around to caress her back and since the dress was backless well past the middle, his hand was on her bare skin. His touch was like fire. Her right hand reached up around his neck and she began to slowly run her fingers through his hair. They continued dancing, although now their bodies were melded together and Olivia had leaned her head against him. She could hear the soft, steady beating of his heart and she could not remember the last time she felt this content.

- - - - - - - -

On the other end of the restaurant, Elliot Stabler was anything but content. He was barely able to contain his fury, barely able to remain seated at his table. His view of the dance floor was unobstructed and he could see them clearly. He saw Porter pull her to him, saw him kiss Olivia on her neck, saw her eyes close in response, saw him speak and her laugh, saw how she leaned into him, how she played with his hair and put her head on his shoulder. He saw it all and it was about to push him over the edge. And then when Porter's hand moved to where he was touching her bare back, skin on skin, he felt himself disintegrating. In a matter of seconds, he was shaking, his stomach rolling like a ship in a storm, his head was pounding to an almost full blown migraine, his heart racing to the point he felt it may burst at any moment from the extra stress his mental and emotional turmoil was asking it to bear. He did not know how or why the name for this feeling had escaped him for so long , but he knew there was now no mistaking it. Simply put, he was jealous. Jealous as hell. And he could not tear his eyes away from them.

- - - - - - - - -

The song ended and Porter led Olivia toward their table, walking hand in hand. Just before they sat down again, Kathy walked by and noticing Olivia, spoke to her.

"Olivia, hi!" She was so quick, Liv never saw the hug coming.

"K-Kathy...good to see you." Olivia felt that familiar tight feeling in her stomach as her heart took up residence in her throat. She immediately looked for Elliot.

"Elliot and I are having a 'date' night. This is my favorite restaurant. We're sitting right over there..." Looking over her shoulder and pointing to where Elliot was just seconds ago.

Oh, yea, Olivia thought to herself. Now she remembered were she heard about Carmine's. From Elliot. Crap. Of all the places to eat in New York City, Carmine's just had to be Kathy's favorite and she just had to pick the same day and same time as them to come here. If Dean had not kept it a surprise, she would have wondered if she had accidently told Elliot where they were eating or he heard her tell someone. No. This was just a coincidence. Or fate. Or just plain, old, bad luck!

"Hmmm, I don't see him...where on earth did he go?" Olivia did not much care where he went, just as long as he did not show up before she and Dean could get out of there.

"Oh, well...Has Elliot told you I ask about you all the time? How have you been since the accident and all?" She rambled on so bubbly, it made Olivia want to pop her.

"Good. I'm doing good." For some reason she was sure her forced smile did not seem sincere.

"I can see that." She raised her eyebrows slightly at Olivia, giving Dean the once over. "So, are you going to introduce me to your date?"

Liv looked at Dean and then back at Kathy. "Oh, I am so sorry. Kathy, this is Dean Porter, Dean, Kathy Stabler, Elliot's wi..."

"Elliot's wife. My pleasure. I have heard much about you." Dean interrupted, taking Kathy's hand in both of his, smiling as he took her in. She had on a medium blue, long sleeved dress that buttoned all they way down the front. The color really brought out the blue in her eyes, he thought. It was an attractive style on her, attractive for a mother of a newborn. But nothing like Liv's drop-dead gorgeous dress. Olivia kept looking toward where Kathy said she and Elliot were sitting, willing him to remain vanished.

"I hope you heard good things." She smiled, seeming very pleased.

"Could there be anything but, of such a lovely woman?" Kathy blushed and waved her hand at him in dismissal of the comment. " I believe 'congratulations are in order for the newest member of your household'." He smiled back.

Olivia knew they were talking but they may as well have been speaking a language she did not know, because none of it registered. Her partner was somewhere nearby and she knew that he knew she was here. She felt it. Felt him. She felt the impending doom, as well.

"Thank you. He makes five, you know."

"So, I heard. Almost your own police squad, huh?"

She laughed again. "Yea and Elliot is the Captain. You take good care of Olivia. You know she saved my and my son's life."

"No need to worry about that. I intend to take very good care of Detective Benson." He smiled as he looked from Kathy to Olivia, winked, and back to Kathy again. Olivia hoped she had smiled back.

"Oh, yes, Olivia...I've mentioned to Elliot that I really want to have you over for dinner one evening...you know, sort of as a formal 'thank you' for all you did for me and Elliot, Jr. He was supposed to find out when you could come. Did he mention it? Would you and Dean be free, Tuesday or Wednesday evening? I know with the holidays, things are really busy..."

To say she was shocked would have been the understatement of the year. And, no, he had not mentioned anything about dinner at his house with his wife. She knew her eyes were wide with the surprise invitation and that she really should close her mouth or attempt to form a coherent answer. "Well, I..uh...you don't have to...uh...do anything like that...you have the baby, Lizzie with her broken leg...Christmas to get ready for and...uh...it is a busy time and...I don't know when..."

Dean took her arm right around her biceps and interrupted. "Liv, we planned to go to dinner Tuesday...we could just change the location, if Kathy wants to have you for dinner at their place. What do you say?"

What could she say? Why didn't I think of that? Any minute now, they would surely hear the loud pop and crashing sound as her plastered smile cracked and fell off taking her face with it. She took a deep breath, realizing she had not really breathed since Kathy came on the scene. "Sure. That would be fine." She was going to kill Dean Porter. The thought of having dinner with Elliot and Kathy anywhere was enough to make her toss her cookies. But in their own home? Where Elliot lived and breathed and showered and slept. With Kathy. She was really going to have to do something about that tightness in her stomach.

Kathy hugged Olivia again. "Wonderful! Tuesday it is. I'll have Elliot give you the details, Olivia. I better be getting back. Come say hi to him later. Good to meet you, Dean." She turned away, and left.

- - - - - - - - -

As soon as he saw Kathy stop and talk to Olivia, Elliot nearly knocked the table over getting up and out of there. He pushed his way through the crowd waiting to be seated and walked outside. He had to have fresh air. God, could this evening get any worse? Here he was about to go nuts because his partner, his best friend, his whatever the hell she was to him, is on a date with Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI, who keeps whispering in her ear, making her laugh, who keeps kissing her and can not keep his hands off her. Here he is wanting to run over there, snatch her out of Porter's arms, beat him to a bloody pulp, pull her up to him, tell her how he feels, tell her she belongs to him, kiss her like she has never been kissed before and dare her to be angry, dare her to push him away, dare her to run away from him this time. And here he is with his wife! Is there a bigger jerk in all the world? If this isn't bad enough, his wife has to run into and talk to his partner, his best friend, his whatever the hell she was to him. No, this evening could not possibly get any worse.

- - - - - - - -

He desperately did not want to have to talk to Liv and Porter. He knew he would regret any words he said and could not even begin to think about what actions he might be responsible for committing. Whatever they were, he was certain they would cause him to lose his badge. He cautiously stepped back inside, got the attention of a waiter and had him go to their table and tell Kathy that he needed her. Within just a few minutes, she was at his side.

"We need to go. I'm sorry, but I don't feel well at all." His voice sounded weak.

One look at him and she knew he was not lying. He was pale, his skin clammy to the touch and he was shaking. "Oh, honey, it's okay. We'll go on home."

"Sorry. I ruined the evening for you." He knew it meant a lot to her and he was sorry. But more than that, he was guilty because of why it was ruined. Or rather because of who.

"It's okay, El. Did you pay?" She asked putting a hand to his head to check for fever.

"No, no...here, take the card...you don't mind taking care of it, do you? I...uh..need air...I'll get...get us a cab." He said, pulling his wallet from the inside pocket of his suit and handing his Visa credit card to her.

- - - - - - - - - -

Back at Dean and Olivia's table, she was not faring very well either. Dinner at the Stabler's home? With Kathy and Elliot? She must have done something horrible for the powers that be to unleash such a punishment upon her. How did this ever happen? There had to be a way out of it. She had to figure a way out of it. She could only imagine how thrilled Elliot would be when Kathy told him what he was going to be doing Tuesday evening. They weren't even speaking and that was just half of the problem. The other half was Dean. Elliot hated him, probably hated her and now they were supposed to spend a quiet evening all together alone and act civil. Not to mention that she and Elliot had to act like there was nothing going on between them. Well, that part should be easy...because right now that was exactly what was going on...nothing. Nothing and everything.

Though she never even saw Elliot, she sensed that he had seen them and she knew that any chance of them straightening things out any time in the near future had just been dealt a damaging blow. She also knew that he was no where to be found because he did not want to face her and Dean. Her with Dean. Don't ask how, she just knows it. That tight feeling in her stomach has been around so much lately, she is beginning to think it is normal. She really thought she may have to throw up. Her rational thoughts have been kidnaped and are being held hostage by her emotions. She is upset that he is upset. Why? She does not owe him anything. Her heart is racing so fast, dizziness threatens to overtake her. What is her problem? It's not like they have a commitment to each other. They're just friends. At least she thinks they are still friends. He's married! She saw his wife, not him and still, he had managed to ruin her perfectly wonderful evening. And yet she feels guilty. Like she's stepped out on him. Figure that one out!

"She seems like a nice lady." Porter said as Kathy walked away. "Not what I would have pictured Stabler with, but attractive in a girl-next-door way."

"Yea..she is nice." She wanted to ask him what kind of woman he would picture Elliot with, but thought that would be way too obvious. Turns out she did not have ask.

He continued with his observation. "He's so obsessed with working out, I figured him for a really, buff and buxom, bombshell. Maybe one of the World Wrestling ladies, you know, in it for her body not a meaningful relationship."

Leaning back, she folded her arms across her chest. "You think just because Elliot works out a lot and takes care of his body, that that is all he would be interested in a woman for? He's not like that at all. And Kathy is the only woman he has ever been with, because he takes his vows seriously. El's a true gentleman." She knew she was defending him, but for the life of her, she did not understand why.

"Do I detect a bit of a 'mother bear' coming out to protect her young?" He joked.

She saw nothing to laugh about. "I just think you should get to know someone before you make disparaging remarks about them." Her voice was calm, but her eyes told another story.

"Well, I guess Tuesday evening I can start getting to know him." His eyes held question, but his smile was sincere.

"Great." She scoffed, as she downed the last bit wine in her glass, wishing it were full.

Wondering exactly what had happened in the last ten minutes, Dean just stared at her. He could not help but think of those rumors he had heard. He finally motioned for the waiter to bring the check. He paid and they left for the theater.

- - - - - - - - -

When the play was over they went for coffee at small café several blocks from the theater. For it to be in the Broadway section of town on a Friday night, it was relatively deserted and quiet.

"Olivia? Liv? Are you okay?" Porter's voice is soft and his eyes full of concern.

She snaps out of her fog, smiles a small smile. "Huh? Yea...I...I'm fine? Why do you ask?"

"You've been awfully quiet since dinner, like you checked out or something..." He had been puzzled at her abrupt mood change after dinner...no, not after dinner...after Kathy Stabler stopped to talk, but chose to keep it to himself, at least through the play. He had already analyzed the situation to death and was ready to see if she would help him find some answers.

"Why would you think that?" Oh, please don't let him ask anything about Elliot.

"I don't know...you seemed...uh...caught off guard when Kathy stopped to speak...as though you were upset by her presence..." He said, taking care not to sound accusing.

"Why would I be upset at seeing Kathy? I was just surprised, that's all." Her voice hitched a bit higher. She was not sure where this conversation was going, but she had a feeling it was going somewhere she did not want to explore. Especially with Dean Porter.

"And when you did not want to go and find Stabler...I thought that was a bit strange...I mean, you claim he is your best friend...are you afraid to be seen with me...I know he doesn't like me..." He was staring at her intently, as though he could see the thoughts turning around, flipping over and over in her mind.

"He is...that doesn't mean we have to be joined at the hips! Doesn't mean we can't have a good time or an evening out and away from each other! No, I'm not afraid to be seen with you." Afraid_ for_ you, she thought. "And what do you mean he doesn't like you? Why would he not like you?" Don't think you are so special, Porter. Elliot hates every guy I date, she thought to herself. Rolling her eyes at him, she continued. "Good grief, Dean! Why are we even having this conversation?"

He looked at her, with what seemed to be concern, for several minutes before speaking once again. "We are having this conversation, because until Kathy Stabler came on the scene, I thought you and I were having a very good, maybe even romantic, evening. I was sure you felt the same. But as soon as she dropped by, it's as though a bucket of ice water was thrown on you. It's like you've shut down right before my eyes. Tonight was suppose to be special and I just hate to see anything ruin it." He paused, then asked, "Is there something going on I should know about or am I only imagining this?"

She knew she would regret the words before she ever spoke them. But her mouth opened and out they came. "What are you talking about? Sounds to me like you're upset because you think your evening has been ruined. What? Are you worried that all your efforts tonight...all the money you dropped on the evening, the dinner, the play...are not going to get you into my bed? That's what all this is really about, isn't? What it's always about with guys! " She knew that was not Dean's intention, at all. She knew she was fighting dirty, unfairly, but he was too close to figuring out her secrets and she could not have him doing that now or ever.

Dean sat back almost as if she had slapped him. Unable to hide his shock over her words, he was silent for what seem to be an eternity, just staring at her. Then slowly, he nodded and asked, "Is that what you really think, Olivia? Is that really what you think of me?" She could not look at him. "Because if it is, then there is nothing left to say and I think this evening has come to an end."

What is wrong with her? Here is a perfectly nice guy, a real gentleman, understands her job cause he's a Fed, good looking, too, and she is pushing him away so fast she is making her own head spin. This is not what she really wants to do. She felt the tears springing to her eyes, powerless to stop them. "Oh, Dean, I am sorry. So, so, sorry. Forgive me. Please?" She is wiping the tears falling down her cheeks. "And if you can't and want this evening to be over, I completely understand but, please believe me, I am truly sorry. What I said was completely unfair and I..."

Wanting so much to believe her, Dean leaned forward, put his fingers against her lips and interrupted. "Olivia, if you say you're sorry, I believe you. And forgive you." She reached up and took his hand, holding it close to her. "Thank you." Her voice was barely a whisper.

He stood, offering her his hand and said, "Come on. Let's get out of here."

They walked around for awhile taking in all the Christmas decorations. Then headed to Olivia's apartment. He had the cab wait as he walked her to the door of her building.

He brushed her bangs aside and told her, "Olivia, this was a wonderful evening. Thank you for going with me."

She had to laugh. "Right. So wonderful we had our first fight, thanks to me."

He laughed, too. "You call that a fight? Just a misunderstanding...I still had a great time."

"Me, too." She said, suddenly feeling shy. His hand was now on the side of her neck, his thumb softly rubbing her cheek.

"Normally, at this point, I would lean over and just kiss my date, but given our earlier conversation, I feel like I should ask first." His dark brown eyes were intense, but the ever present sparkle was there.

"Ask me, what?" Her insides were turning to Jello.

"May I kiss you, Olivia?" He leaned closer, still not kissing her. His cologne smelled so good..

In response, she brought her lips to his and whispered, "Yes."

The kiss was long, but gentle and tender. When they finally broke apart, Olivia felt as though she would not be able to remain standing if he let go of her right then. No worry. He held her for a minute or so before pulling away. "It's late. I'll say goodnight." Before she could even think, the words were gone of her mouth. "Would you like to come up for a bit?" He scanned her face as though he were trying to find something he was not sure was there. "Thanks, but no. Not tonight." He kissed her quickly on the cheek and turned to go. "Goodnight, Liv." She watched the cab leave with Porter. "Goodnight, Dean."

- - - - - - - - -

At the Stabler residence, Kathy was trying her best to take care of an unwilling Elliot. She thinks he should let her take him to the ER, he is adamantly refusing. She is afraid he may be on the verge of a heart attack. To tell the truth, he thinks she might be right, but he is not going to the ER or a doctor or a med stop. He knows what is really wrong and knows they have nothing to help him. Nothing to heal a broken heart.

"Honey, you should at least be checked out." She has a cold cloth and is trying to wipe his face.

He pushes her hand away. "I'm fine. I..I'm...it was probable something I ate. I'm fine."

"You are not fine, Elliot! I'm a nurse, but anyone could see you are not 'fine'!." She sounds angry, but is really just upset. "Shaking, nausea, vomiting, headache, racing heart...you need to go to the..."

"I am NOT going to the ER, the doctor or anywhere else!" He stormed. So, he tossed his cookies twice, big deal. Once on the ride home...the cab driver was more than eager to stop for him to empty his stomach on the side of the road. Then before they got in the house, he lost it again, but it was more just retching because there was nothing left to expel.

He started undressing. "I'm going to take a shower and go to bed. Okay, Kathy? I'll be fine in the morning. Just leave me alone."

No, he is never going to be fine again. Nothing will ever be fine again, he thinks. But he will continue to say he is fine, it is fine, everything is fine. He will continue to say it and maybe one day he will believe it and it will no longer be a lie. He will no longer be living this lie that has become his life. He will no longer be a liar. Maybe then it really will be fine.

- - - - - - - - -

Crawling into bed, Olivia relives her kiss with Dean over and over. She decides he is a very good kisser. Of course, he would be...look at the guy...great looking...decent job...probably has women falling all over themselves to get his attention. Probably kissed tons of them. Surprise flooded her when she felt just the sliver of an emotion she was not very familiar with...jealousy? And he is nice, if you give him a chance and can get past his annoying ways. Then again maybe she was the only one who found him annoying. Or maybe he just liked to annoy her. She knew she annoyed the hell out of him. He had told her. She understood why he would not come up to her apartment. If he had, and anything happened between them, she would be able to say she was right about him being like all the other guys. Yes, he was wise not to take her up on her offer tonight and she thought she liked him a bit more because of it.

Reliving the kiss lead to her reliving the entire evening which of course lead to thinking about Kathy. About Elliot. She supposed by now, after nearly nine years, she should be used to the way he could turn, twist, bend, mold, shape and eviscerate her emotions, annihilating every barrier her heart had ever constructed against the world of hurt, anguish, despair...love. But she was not used to it and dreaded seeing him Monday morning even more than she has these past couple of weeks. It seemed every time she thought things between them were getting better, something else would happen to throw them right back into the boxing ring. Then every time she thought things could not get any worse, fate laughed at her, proved her wrong and showed her worse. Little did she know what awaited her in the near future.

- - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Just wait...you won't believe the next chapter! Keep those reviews coming! " ) Bensler_


	10. Rage

**Chapter 10 - Rage**

All too soon the weekend was over and Liv was staring Monday in the face. She had just gotten out of the shower when she heard her cell phone ringing. Caller ID said 'Captain'. Wonder what is going on? Hope it wasn't a case. The thought of being sent out alone with Elliot did not settle well with her. "Hey, Cap'n. Getting an early start, huh?" It was only 7:07 a.m.

"Morning, Olivia. Yea. Early start. Warner got the lab results back on the autopsy and DNA for the Inman case. How about you run by before coming to work, pick them up and see what she has to say? That'll save us a little time in getting everything together for the trial. I'll be up at PP1 for most of the day. Hold the fort."

"Sure thing, Captain." She flipped the phone closed, grabbed a pair of black slacks, red turtle neck sweater and began to dress.

- - - - - - - -

She arrived at work around 9:20. Much and Fin had been sent out on a new case. Elliot and Lake were called into court for an emergency hearing on a case they had worked together six months ago. Except for a couple of uniforms, Liv was alone, a rarity in the squad room,. She started going over the lab results she had gotten from Warner comparing them to the evidence found and working on her reports for the Inman trial.

The silence of the room was broken by Elliot's desk phone ringing several times. It quit and then a few seconds later rang again. She stood up and leaned over to see the caller ID and saw it was the Stabler residence. The ringing stopped. Before she could sit back down, her desk phone began to ring and when she saw the same name pop up on her caller ID that had been on Elliot's, her heart jumped.

Cautiously, she answered. "Benson."

"Olivia, this is Kathy." Yea, I kind of know that already, she thought to herself.

"Yea, hey, Kathy. Elliot is in an emergency court hearing. I'll let him know that you..."

"No, no. I didn't want Elliot. I wanted to talk to you." She said quickly.

"Oh...well...I saw that you called his phone first..." Olivia explained.

"To make sure he wasn't there when I called you."

"Okay. Okay. What's up?" She was not sure she wanted to know.

"Has he said anything about Friday night?" Kathy sounded troubled or maybe worried.

"Friday night?" Anything he would have to say about Friday night would not be good. What exactly is she talking about? What could she know? Come on. There is nothing to know. Olivia felt the tightness that had become her nearly constant companion make itself known once again in the pit of her stomach.

"I haven't seen him yet today. I came in late and he was already in court."

"Oh...I was hoping that maybe he talked to you about what happened." She sounded disappointed.

"Well, help me out here, Kathy. What exactly is it that you think he would talk to me about? What happened?" She asked, haltingly, not really wanting to have this conversation. Anything but Porter, please, or her being with him.

"I'm worried about him. Remember when I told you where were sitting and he was not there? He had gone outside because he was not feeling well. Olivia, he was shaking, sweaty, nauseated...he later threw up twice...his heart was racing and he had a really bad headache. I'm afraid it is something to do with his heart. He still never talks to me about work...is there something going on with the job that is adding extra stress for him?" She said

Olivia did not know why she wasn't alarmed by Kathy's concerns. Maybe because it sounded just like how she felt that night and yes, it was possible you may be onto something, Kath. It may be something to do with his heart. If it's the same thing I have, its called a broken heart or maybe just heartsick. And sorry, but they have not found a cure for that yet. There was no doubt he had seen them.

"Did you tell him you're worried? Maybe he will go and get checked out if you ask him."

"Don't you think I tried? I wanted to take him to the ER or at least get him an appointment with a doctor. He wouldn't hear of it. I was hoping maybe you could talk to him. He will listen to you, Olivia." She almost sounded like she was begging.

Olivia snorted and replied, "Sorry, but I don't think anything I have to say would make a difference. And besides how would I bring it up without him knowing we talked?"

"He will listen to you over me. But you're right...if he knew I told you...I don't know...maybe you can just keep an eye out for him having symptoms like that again. Then you could mention it?"

"Sure, no problem. See you." Olivia was ready to end this conversation.

"Wait. Where did you find the guy you were with the other night? Porter, is it? He seemed very nice...and great looking!"

"Yea, Dean Porter. He was my case handler when I was undercover."

"Oh, so, he is Federal law enforcement..."

"Yep, FBI. Listen, I really..." She really wanted to get off the phone.

But Kathy interrupted. She was not through fishing for information. "Elliot hasn't mentioned that you were seeing anyone. How long have you been dating?"

"Uh...we're not really dating...been out a few times, that's all." Not that it is any of your business. And, by the way, Elliot hates Dean's guts so, of course, he wouldn't be able to say anything about him without you figuring out that he hates him and that would raise a whole new set of questions and problems. Oh, and one more thing, Elliot and I not on speaking terms and it's because of Dean. "Listen, Kathy, I really need to go. Got a lot of work. I'll let you know if I see anything."

"Thanks. Oh, I forgot to tell Elliot we are having you guys over tomorrow. So, I'll just tell you myself...will 6:30 give you enough time after work?"

"6:30 is fine." Elliot does not know yet? Great. She expects me to tell him? No way.

"You are still bringing, Dean, right? If I were you, I'd hang on to him. You deserve to find a nice man and settle down. Settle down!!?? Bye, Olivia." She hung up. Finally.

Of course, you want me to hang onto Dean. That way you would not worry about Elliot and me like you have for almost nine years, even though there is nothing to worry about...well, there wasn't anything to worry about at first and then you left him and there might have been, but now that things are so totally screwed up again, there is nothing to worry about now either. But just FYI, I already found a nice man. He only has one flaw...he's married. And he's my partner. Okay, two flaws.

"Yea, he's coming." Of course, Dean is coming. It was his fantastic idea in the first place!

- - - - - - - --

When she returned from lunch at 12:30, Elliot and Lake were at their desks filling out forms. Elliot glanced at her when she pulled her chair out to sit down, but he said nothing.

She decided to speak, not knowing if she would get the cold shoulder or be blown out of the water. "Hey. How'd court go?" Surprise. He actually looked up at her.

"Okay." He went back to his paperwork.

He doesn't seem sick. Just angry. She sensed his seething rage just under the surface, like a volcano ready to erupt. Hmmm. Why, she wondered? Who was she kidding. She felt pretty sure it had to do with Friday night, but whatever the cause, she held out hope she was not it and that she would be nowhere near when the top finally blew.

The loud banter between Munch and Fin could be heard before they came into the squad room. They were arguing about one of Munch's endless conspiracy theories.

When Munch saw Liv, he headed toward her desk and he hollered out, "Hey, Liv, how did Friday night go? Learn any new 'plays' from Deano?" He and Fin slapped each other on the back and laughed.

Guys could be so immature at times, she thought. They were acting like a couple of seventh graders and she was so mad at them she could not even come up with a nasty retort. She knew she was blushing and that made her madder which in turn made her blush more. She ventured a look at Elliot and though he seemed to be ignoring them, she saw the way his jaw was clenching and noticed that the soft click of his computer keys had become louder.

Lake, not wanting to be left out, asked, "What are you talking about? Liv had a date?"

"Yea, with her, what did you call him, Liv? Oh, yea...undercover case handler...so did he? Handle your case under the covers?" They all snickered.

"Wow!! First one I've heard about since I've been here and that's been six months. Way to go, Liv!!" Lake came over and slapped Liv on the back. "So, did you get lucky? Or should I ask if he got lucky?"

Now all three of them were laughing. "Hey, she must have gotten lucky or gotten something cause she's wearing a turtleneck...what's that for, Liv? Huh? To cover all the hickeys?" Munch asked, grinning suggestively.

She decided to appeal to them without threats. "Come on, guys, give me a break..."

Then Fin came up with his own brilliant remark, "Yea, Chester, Liv and her latest beau went to see a play. How about you give us the 'play' by 'play' rundown of your hot evening with your under the cover agent, Liv?" They doubled over with their laughter this time. But it was short lived amusement because Elliot had reached his boiling point.

He stood up so quickly, his desk chair went flying across the room, into another desk and flipped over, it's wheels spinning in the air. "How about all of you shut the hell up!" He bellowed so loud the room went completely silent. His face was so red it was almost purple. Every vein in his neck and forehead was bulging and pulsating. Fists clenching and unclenching. They all stood there in shock, just staring at him. Then slowly, one by one they went to their desks and began working.

Olivia could not believe what had just happened. The volcano has erupted, she thought. The tears fighting against the gates of her eyelids were threatening to free themselves and she did not want to break down in front of her tormentors nor her savior. She turned and ran to the locker room. She sat on one of the benches and leaned over with her elbows on her knees, put her head in her hands, and gave way to her emotions.

Several minutes later she heard the locker room door creak open. There was no need to look up for her to know who was there. She sensed him before she heard his walk, his breathing. They had always been able to sense the nearness of the other, even unseen. He came and stood a couple of feet from her. "You okay?" She sniffled, wiping tears away from her face. "I will be."

He just nodded.

Silence. "Thanks, for...out there..." The words stuck in her dry throat.

He shrugged and stuck his hands in the front pockets of his pants. "Yea."

He continued to stand there, looking down. The silence lasted several minutes before he asked, "So, did you like Carmine's?"

Instead of answering his, she asked him a question. "You saw us, didn't you?"

He rubbed his hands over his face, over his head and rubbed his neck. "Yea." Stormy blue eyes held her brown ones in a gaze that could only be described as pure agony.

Still sitting, she looked up at him. "Why did you leave without coming over?"

The laugh that come from him was sarcastic. Throwing his head back and sighing deeply. "What was I supposed to do? Pretend like we were just two happy couples out on the town? Chit-chat while my insides are being eaten alive? I'm sick of pretending, Olivia!" He was getting agitated and his voice became louder.

Olivia stood up, nervously ran her hand through her hair and stepped away from him with her back to the set of lockers opposite the ones by Elliot. "It was just dinner and a little dancing, Elliot, nothing to..."

"You call that dancing? Looked more like having sex with your clothes on, to me!" His eyes narrowed and his voice bordered on hollering as he stepped over the bench and stood right in front of her. She was fascinated by the way the vein in his neck pulsated with his rage.

"Elliot, don't do this..." She pleaded, knowing it was to no avail. She had no doubt he was about to lose complete control. She could feel the anger emanating from him and she could deal with that, she was used to it, but the hurt, the pain she felt strangling him, crushed her because that was the one thing she could not handle. Especially, not when she was the cause of it.

He was acutely aware he was losing his grip on his emotions, his sanity. The intensity of this feeling, this jealousy, that was controlling him, frightened even him. He knew as sure as he was standing there, he needed to turn around and get out of that room. Get away from her. Just get away! He knew if he stayed he was going to do something, say something that would change everything, devastate and destroy. But the feelings he had repressed for so long, had become so strong he no longer had the ability to push them back down inside. He was at their mercy and they showed him none.

"Yea, Liv, I saw you. I saw the way you laughed. I saw the way he kissed your cheek, your neck. I saw the way you leaned into him like you couldn't get enough. I saw you put your head on his shoulder and I saw when he pulled you so close there wasn't any space left between the two of you." The hiss of his voice petrified her. She was sure she had never heard him sound like that. She was sure she had never heard a sound like that all.

He stepped even closer to her, his manner intimidating, causing her to back up so that she was nearly on the lockers. "Elliot, please...please..." She could not decide if this was meant to be a plea to him or some kind of an apology from her.

"I saw you put your hand on his chest and your other hand around his neck. And I saw you playing with his hair and rubbing his neck. I saw him put his hand on your bare back, skin to skin. I saw him run his hands up and down your back and I saw the way your body melted into his in response. Yea, Liv I saw you." She could feel his breath hot and heavy on her, she heard his breathing, ragged and short. And his eyes, his eyes were like pits of blue fire, dancing, blazing their dire warning of the imminent danger to come. Only the warning served no purpose because she had no way and no where to escape it.

He persisted with his tirade. "I saw you. And I wanted to come over there, rip you from his arms and beat the hell out of Porter. I wanted to dare him to kiss you, touch you or even look at you ever again. I wanted to hold you, kiss you, make you know you are mine and dare you to run away from me again. I thought I was going insane. Now I know I have!"

Once again she backed up, only now she was completely against the lockers with no where left to go. "I'm...I'm not yours, Elliot." She had nerve and she was sure it was about to be her demise, but she couldn't keep her mouth shut.

He stepped closer still, putting his hands against the lockers on either side of her head, trapping her. He closed the little space remaining between them, his body pressing into hers and his lips at her ear. "One thing, Liv. Just tell me one thing. Are you sleeping with him?" His voice was ragged, raw with emotion, the whisper rough and threatening, his eyes half closed.

She had some fury of her own and the words he just spoke evoked that fury. She tried to push him away, but he was like a brick wall, immoveable. "How dare you ask me that?!" Her voice was low and icy. Her body betrayed her as she began to tremble and that tightness in her stomach felt like it was cutting her into two pieces.

His right fist connected with the locker to her left, the sound of it reverberating in her ear, splitting the suffocating air of the room. Her eyes widened, filled with sheer terror. Yes, she was afraid of him. Of her partner. Of her best friend. Of Elliot. "Tell me, Olivia! Tell me!!" His voice now a mighty roar, echoing through the room. He was shaking, too. "Are you sleeping with Porter?! Tell me!!" He demanded, hitting the locker for the second time. She jumped at the sound.

She thought that volcano had already erupted, but she now realized she had been dangerously mistaken. That had been merely the rumblings forewarning the final devastating explosion.

"It's none of your damn business!" She tried to slap him but he was too close. He caught her wrists in his hands and pinned them by her shoulders against the lockers. She struggled but he was much too strong. Even more so in his wrath.

"Not my business?!! Oh, yea? I am making it my business, damn it! Just tell me, Olivia! Are you sleeping with that son of ..."

Before he could finish, strong hands jerked him away from her. "Elliot, what the hell are you doing? Back off, man!!" Fin was looking at him like he was a madman. At that moment, he was.

"Get off me!!" Elliot stormed, wrenching his way free from Fin and getting right back in Olivia's face, screaming at her. "Just tell me, Olivia! How many times did you..." Munch had heard all the shouting and was right behind Fin, bounding up the stairs to the locker room, too. Fin grabbed hold of Elliot again, this time with Munch's help, keeping him from literally being on Olivia. "I told you to back off, man!" He was not even sure Elliot heard him.

"I'll back off when she answers the damn question!! Get off me!!" He tried to free himself, but Munch and Fin maintained their hold on him, though just barely. His eyes never left her face. "Did you sleep with him? Olivia, tell me!! Olivia!!" He was like a violent, raging bull, unstoppable, uncontainable.

Never had she seen Elliot like this and though she was terrified, she did not back down. She stretched herself to her full height, stared him straight in the eyes. "It's none of your business, Elliot. You went back to Kathy, remember?" She whispered softly to him.

It was immediate, his deflation, as though someone had taken a straight pin to a balloon. It was that visible. That complete. All the anger, the rage, the fury drained from his body in a matter of seconds, all because of those soft words she barely whispered. He looked lost. Defeated. Hopeless. Even after all that had just transpired, she wanted to reach out and touch him. Let him know everything would be alright. Somehow they would be alright. Maybe more to convince herself than to comfort him.

Fin and Munch realizing he was no longer a danger, dropped their death grips on him, but remained watchful, ready to go at it again, if necessary. Elliot and Olivia stood, eyes locked. Tears were streaming down her pale face and her eyes were huge. Her body shook uncontrollably. He started to say something, but no words came forth. He was shaking, too. He reached up as though to touch her face, but she could not keep herself from flinching. His hand fell to his side and she saw the tears pooling in his eyes, watched as they began streaming down his cheeks, just before he turned and left the locker room, almost running.

**A/N:** _Thanks to all who have taken time to review my story. Several of you have commented that the story is going slow. That is where the angst comes from in the story line...the agonizing wait for something that you so desperately want, need but know you can not have...at least under the current circumstances. Some like it and some don't. My intent is to take it slow. Real life does not usually happen wham-bam and I want to set the scenes for each major upheaval with the history and detail surrounding it. If you can keep up with the time frame in the story (I debated on putting it down for each segment), the whole story, to date, is from Tuesday, November 27, the accident, up through this past Monday, December 17. So, it really is, one day shy of three weeks, not a long time frame for quite a bit of stuff to have happened. Anyway, I sure do appreciate all the comments. I am truly humbled that my first attempt at anything longer than a few pages has gotten good reviews._

_P.S. Mia66...you are forgiven! Just keep reading! _

_Ariadnescurse...the big blocks of text at the beginning, again is my desire to set up history and detail...maybe I need to work on incorporating that more as I go along with the actual interaction between the characters...?? What do you think?_

"_And YES the E/O IS on the way!" Said the author, as she typed. "I just wrote some of it... it is so good...so heart stopping...it is in Chapter...uh...uh..." Before she can finish, she is interrupted by the shrill ring of the telephone._


	11. Right

**Chapter 11 - Right**

With Elliot gone, Fin and Munch turned their attention to Olivia. "Baby, you all right, girl? Did he hurt you?" Fin asked putting his hand on her shoulder. She could not answer.

"What the hell was all that about?" Munch asked, handing her a handkerchief, and pushing the bangs from her eyes.

She just stood there, shaking, staring after the door Elliot had gone through. It took a minute or two for the emotional, mental and physical trauma she had just gone through to register its effect. When it did she collapsed, without warning, right into the arms of two of her big brothers and the safety of their care and protection.

- - - - - - - -

Disoriented, her eyes opening slowly, Liv lay there trying to figure out where she was. The crib. Voices drifted in and out of her semi-conscious mind but at first she could not comprehend the conversation. She felt like she was coming out of a hundred year sleep, when in reality it had only been about 10 minutes. She vaguely wondered why she was in the crib. Then the words began to filter through her groggy brain, began to make sense, bringing clarity and with it the memory of what had taken place. Munch and Fin were standing just inside the door to the crib, far enough away that they thought they would not disturb Olivia, yet close enough to be there for her when she awoke.

"Nah, man, I ain't ever seen him like that!" Fin's unmistakable voice, was low and incredulous.

"Me either. Angry at perps, yes, but I never thought he could be like this with Liv. Especially not with her. I thought he was going to hit her. Do you think he would have?" Munch added, shaking his head.

"Uh-uh. He was angry thinking she was sleeping with someone, but I don't see him actually hitting on her. He had plenty of chances if that was what he wanted to do. He just wanted to shake her up and make her tell him. He would never hurt Liv. But if he did, he'd had me all over his sorry butt!"

"Oh, but, he has hurt her. Maybe not physically, but he hurt her." A sadness filled Munch's eyes as he looked over at Liv lying on the bunk. She looked so small and fragile.

"Yea. Man, all I got to say is it was a good thing Cap'n wasn't here to see this...he'd split 'em up for sure...maybe even have his badge, too."

"Might not be a bad idea. Splitting them up...not taking his badge. Elliot's a good guy and a good cop. He's just going through a lot right now. He and Liv make each other crazy."

"What about Liv? She's been through a lot, too. There's sure no doubt now about things between them. As if there were before."

"Yes, she's been through enough just putting up with Elliot and his bull. Not to mention all this other junk. You know, Cragen will find out about this somehow...think we should fill him in before it hits the fan?" Munch questioned.

"No way, man. This ain't never even gone down as far as I am concerned. And I sure as hell ain't telling nobody else about it. I couldn't do that to Liv. Or Elliot. The rumors about them are bad enough already ." Fin held his hands up, palms outward and shook his head.

"You're right. What do you say to a pact between us that this never happened?"

"What never happened?" Fin asked, extending his hand for Munch to shake. As they were shaking on their agreement, they noticed movement and saw Olivia sitting up on the bunk.

"Hey, guys." She was raking her fingers through her hair and attempting to smile.

"Hey, Liv. How ya feelin', baby?" Fin was walking toward her, holding a bottle of water out to her. "Here. Drink some."

"Thanks." She unscrewed the cap and took several long swigs of the liquid.

Munch sat beside her and brushed the bangs out of her eyes. "Liv, do you want to talk about what happened? We're not trying to pry and we don't want you to feel like you have to tell us anything...but that scene between you and Elliot...it was pretty intense...had us both worried..."

"Worried?" She seemed puzzled, thought Munch. He and Fin traded questioning looks.

"We thought he was gonna hit you or somethin', girl." Fin could not believe he was having to explain why they were worried.

She shook her head and looked down. "No. No. He would never hit me." But she knew she was covering for him, because she really did think he was going to...even if only for just a second, she thought it. Having that thought, made her feel like she had betrayed him.

"Maybe not. But he sure looked like he could have." Munch found it difficult to keep the anger out of his voice, because he kept seeing Elliot's fist pulling back and then slamming into the locker.

"No. I know Elliot...I know him...better than I know myself. I didn't know that man in there today. I was scared of him. I could never be scared of Elliot. That was not Elliot. It wasn't." She was starting get upset again. The familiar tightness in her stomach could no longer be ignored. Jumping up and running across the room, she barely made it to a trash can before the vomit made it's was past her mouth. She was crying at the same time.

Munch took her the bottle of water. She filled her mouth and swished the water around and spit it out into the trash. When she was finished, he helped her back to sit on the bed. Fin had wet some paper towels and handed them to her. She dragged them across her face and neck, then wiped her mouth.

Fin sat down beside her, put his arm around her and patted her shoulder. "Liv, babe, it'll be okay. You don't have to talk about this right now. Only when you're ready. If you're ever ready. Okay?"

"Why, Fin? Why was he acting like that? He had no right to be...no right to ask me...to know if I...he had no right..." This time she was able to blink back the tears pooling in her eyes.

"Why do you think he lost control like that, Liv?" Munch sat on the bed across from them.

"He was angry."

"We kind of know that already...why?" Munch was aware that she knew they had heard what Elliot was saying, knew that he was jealous of Dean Porter, angry because he thought they slept together. But he really felt she needed to talk about it so she could process it all and decide what to do with it otherwise it would just simmer within until it finally consumed her. He really was not prying, because he already knew the two of them were crazy about each other. With the bond they have, it's kind of hard to miss. He cared about Liv. And Elliot.

"You know why." She looked down at her hand playing with her watch.

"Do we?"

"Yes." It was just a whisper.

He nodded his head, slowly. "Well, we know he got mad about the jokes we were making about you and Dean...that was obvious with his outburst in the bullpen...but...that's not all, is it?"

She shook her head. "He was upset because he saw us...dancing...on our date...he and Kathy were at the same place and he was...he was...angry because..." She was staring into space as though reliving another time.

There were so many emotions swirling around her, they threatened to engulf her and shut down her ability to think rationally or form coherent sentences. She was embarrassed that they thought she was sleeping with Porter. She did not want anyone knowing about her private life, or lack thereof. She felt ashamed and guilty, because now denial that there was anything between her and Elliot was futile. They had heard Elliot's accusations and known the reason for his violent outburst. Ashamed because she had no right to have these feelings for her married partner and guilty because she did.

The silence got to him and Fin blurted out, before he could stop himself. "Because he jealous of Porter and him bein' with you." Well, it wasn't like it was a big secret anymore. Not that it really was before...it was pretty evident they had something going on besides a partnership/friendship, even if it never crossed any moral or social or religious boundaries.

She looked first at Fin, then turned to Munch. When her gaze returned to the floor in front of her, she answered. "Yes." Munch and Fin traded looks once again.

Thinking of Casey's warning about his jealousy escalating, she was fearful that this was the final straw for her and Elliot's relationship, their partnership, friendship and whatever else they were to each other. She was angry at him that he lost it like he did. She was anxious that they would not be able to fix things this time and the thought of that brought her to despair. No, they would fix things, because no matter what they had done, no matter how bad things were, she would eventually forgive him. She had to...he was an extension of her being and she could not be without him. In spite of all he had just done and said, she was very worried about where he was and what he was doing right now. She shook her head several times as if that would clear the thoughts in her head. Her stomach was churning again.

Munch had come to sit on the other side of her. He put his right arm around her shoulder, pulling her to him in a friendly hug, he kissed the top of her head. "Liv, you know we're here for you. Anything you need. Anytime. Fin and I have decided this never happened. Not a word about it, any of this, will leave our lips."

Tears filled her eyes and she smiled, looking first at Munch and then Fin. "Thank you. I don't know what I would do without you guys. There is something..."

"Anything. Just name it." Munch said as he looked over the top of his glasses.

"Find Elliot. Make sure he is okay. Please?" Munch and Fin exchanged incredulous looks, then both nodded yes.

- - - - - - - - - -

When he left the locker room, Elliot ran to his desk, grabbed his jacket, keys and cell phone and left the precinct. He had no idea where he was going. He just knew he had to put distance between him and Olivia. He should have put distance between them a long time ago. Oh, dear God, what had happened to him in there? He was an absolute madman, crazy, insane. Now she was terrified of him. He saw it in her eyes and the way she flinched when he reached toward her. Did she really think he could ever hit her? That he could ever lay a hand on her to hurt her? He knew he must have looked like he could, but he could never strike any woman. And certainly not one that he was so totally, helplessly head over heels in love with, certainly not Liv. In the past, she has always been too quick to forgive him, to forget how he ignored her, went months without really speaking to her, took out his frustrations with Kathy, perps, the job, everything in his life on her, raged at her when he was really angry with someone or something else, basically treated her like crap. But this? He was certain she would never forgive him for this because he knew he would never forgive himself.

He walked and walked and walked. He must have covered hundreds of city blocks. He found himself sitting at the river's edge, thinking, reliving the nightmare of this afternoon. 'You went back to Kathy, remember?' Remember? Yes! He remembered! Everyday he remembered. Everyday he was faced with why he could not be with the woman he loved. Everyday he asked himself why did not make a move when he had the chance. Everyday he asked himself why he went back. Well, whatever the reason, he did go back and he had no right to act like he did, no right to ask her that question. It was none of his business, just like she said.

For the first time in his life, he knew he needed to talk to someone. This was too big for him to handle alone anymore, but he had no one that could possibly understand all that had been, was between them. No one that he felt he could trust with the things he need to get off his chest. Fin, for sure, and most likely Munch, have probably figured out why he was so insistent on knowing if Liv was sleeping with Porter...did he mention his name? Who knows what he said. Though he considers them friends, he has never had conversations about personal issues with either of them. Could he start now? Munch had called his cell twice and Fin a half dozen times since the incident. Cragen would be his choice to get advice from if it were about anything other than Olivia. He was like a father to Elliot. No, he would be risking their partnership and his friendship with Don because Cragen was like a father to Olivia, too, and if he thought Elliot was doing anything to hurt her, he might just take care of Elliot himself. He's out. Huang? He and George don't really see eye to eye and he might feel compelled to rat him out to Cragen. Nope. What about Rebecca Hendrix? She shrinked him before and she knows how close he and Liv are...maybe he could talk to her. No. No, she and Liv used to be friends. The operative phrase here being, 'used to be'. Olivia would go postal on him if she found out he talked to Rebecca about her and him. She was mad enough at him when he just talked to her before and that was not really about their relationship. Much. That leaves Casey. He and Casey are friends, but he has never been really tight with her. Don't think so. Then again she is friends with Liv and maybe Liv has confided in her and she will have some insight to give him. Being an attorney, she knows how to be objective and she does advise people all day for a living. He just needs someone to tell him what the hell to do before he does something even worse than he has this afternoon. He looked at his watch. 5:53 p.m. Casey might be home by now, he thought as he hailed a cab. Placing a call home, for the first time he could think of, he outright lied to his wife. He told Kathy they had caught a case and not to wait supper on him because he would be late.

- - - - - - - - - -

Casey walked in the door of her apartment, dropped her attache case on the table by the door and hung up her keys and blazer. This had been a long day and she was beat. All she wanted was to take a hot shower, make a salad for dinner and do a little reading before she hit the sack. She went through the mail, separating bills from junk. Picking up the laundry basket of towels, she put them in the washer and turned it on. Then she headed for the shower. How good it felt as the hot water washed over her, washing away all the tension with it. She was just getting out when she heard a knock at the door. She rarely had unannounced visitors and figured it was probably the elderly Miss Martha across the hall bringing her some of her freshly baked cookies. Reaching for her white bathrobe, she put it on and tied the belt around her. Towel in her hair, she headed for the door. Looking through the peep hole, she got the shock of her life. Elliot Stabler! Whatever he wanted, Casey was sure she did not want to be a part of it. He looked pretty rough, too.

Opening the door, she spoke first. "Elliot, what brings you here? You didn't do something that requires retaining an attorney, I hope." She began to laugh but the way the blood drained from his face, it caused her laughter to fade away.

"Uh...uh...no. No. Why? Did someone call you?" He was truly afraid that Liv or Fin or Munch or someone had called her to fill her in on what had happened and maybe he really did need an attorney.

"No." She drew the word out, gave him a sideways glance and waited. "Listen, why don't you come on in and we'll talk." She opened the door wider.

He stepped inside, looking around the neat apartment. The walls were all a deep taupe color with pillows and curtains adding splashes of blues and dark greens as accents. Nice, he thought. Listen to him. He is here because he just screwed up the most important relationship in his life and he is checking out the decor in Casey's living room. He is more messed up than he thought!

"Have a seat. I'm gonna go get dressed. Just be a minute or two. Make yourself at home." She disappeared into her bedroom. Grabbing a pair of light blue sweats, she put them on, brushed her wet hair, pulling it back into a pony tail and then went back out to talk with Elliot.

"You want a drink or something? Beer? Water?" She offered still looking him over.

"Uh...yea...uh...beer. Beer would be good." He sat in an oversized blue chair opposite the couch. He seemed to be having trouble forming sentences. Had he already had a few, she wondered.

Casey went to the kitchen. He heard her open the refrigerator and close it. She reappeared with a beer, it's cap already off and handed it to him. She took a seat on the couch, sitting on the end closest to him. She decided to let him do the talking. He looked haggard, like maybe he was not getting enough sleep or had been crying. Or something bad had happened. Or all of that. She hoped her imagination was worse than any truth he may be here to share.

After draining almost the entire beer, he set the bottle on the table by the lamp. He shifted in his seat, rubbed his hands up and down his thighs several times, then finally stood. He began pacing the room. He did this maybe five or six times before stopping and rubbing his hands over his face and then bringing both hands around the back of his neck and leaning his head back just a bit. He still had on dark blue dress pants and a blue and white checkered shirt, the top two buttons undone, his navy blue tie was loose and barely hanging on around his neck. His gun and badge were clipped to his belt.

Casey just sat there, taking in all of his actions, all of the emotions evident in his face. Tears were pooling in his bright, blue eyes. He tried blinking them back. She had never seen Elliot cry.

He finally turned his eyes to hers. "Casey, I don't know where to start. I'm not much good at talking about my feelings...and uh..I...don't think my feelings...are...I shouldn't even..."

Patience was a virtue and Casey had plenty, so she just waited for him to get it together.

He ran his hand over his mouth and chin. "This is really hard for me...to..tell..talk about..these things..." He was biting the inside of his cheeks in nervous tension.

"I have just screwed up the best thing that has ever happened to me." She saw a tear escape, disappearing in the carpet. His voice was full of sadness and fear, his head hung, chin to his chest.

Casey was not sure she had ever seen or heard those two emotions linked together. "Olivia." When she spoke, it was a statement, not a question.

He opened his mouth to answer her, but the words were stuck in his throat, battling with the sob that was stuck there beside them to see who escaped first. The sob won.

Casey did not know what to do. She and Elliot were not that close. She wanted to comfort him but was afraid that he would feel his sense of dignity was being taken. He doubled over, putting his hands on his knees, gasping for breath as the sobs continued to wrack his body. Able to stand it no longer, she went to him. Putting her arms around his shoulders, she led him to the couch. Then she went into the bathroom, returning with a wet a washcloth for him. He took it, wiped his face several times and leaned back on the couch. He sniffled a couple of times. She handed him a bottle of water and sat on the coffee table in front of him, her knees nearly touching his.

"No more beer?" He tried to smile at her.

"Alcohol is a depressant and I think you may have the corner on that market already." She smiled and patted his knee.

"Sorry for...uh...that...uh...scene." Clearly, he was embarrassed he broke down in front of her.

"Elliot, we all have our breaking point and you shouldn't be ashamed to let it go from time to time. It is actually much healthier than keeping it all bottled up to come out later as rage." She knew he would get her double meaning.

"Yea, I suppose you're right." His eyes were closed and he wiped his face again.

"Ready to tell me why you are here?" She asked softly, watching as he sat up and leaned over.

Nearly an hour later, he had finished telling her about Friday, the ribbing the guys were giving Liv before she went on her date, seeing her and Porter at Carmine's, Kathy talking to them, him getting sick, the whole crappy weekend thinking about her with Porter, then today when the guys really ribbed her about the date and plays and hickeys and did she get any and finally the locker room explosion and what an complete madman he had been and how he knew he messed things up completely and probably forever.

Casey still could not get over him feeling he the right to be upset that Liv was dating, let alone to ask such as personal question of her. He was married! It was none of his business. Liv had told her how upset he was that she was seeing Porter, but truthfully, she thought Liv may have exaggerated just a bit. She sure made the wrong call on that one.

"Tell me what you want from me, Elliot, because I am not sure. Do want my counsel, my advice. Or did you just need someone to vent to? Tell me...I want to help." She had retaken her seat on the end of the couch and was turned slightly toward him.

He rubbed his neck with his right hand. "Tell me what to do, Casey. I feel like I am falling over the edge of a cliff and I need something or someone to hang onto or I am not going to make it."

"Tell you what to do about the incident today, your relationship with Liv, whatever that may be, your marriage, the job, what?"

"Yea, that would be good." He cocked his head to one side and grinned the Stabler full blow smile.

No wonder Liv fell for him, she thought. He can be charming, after all. She did not see that side of him very often. She rolled her eyes at him and laughed.

"Case, I am miserable. I'm back with my wife whom I was weeks away from being divorced from when she told me she was pregnant. I love her but I am not in love with her anymore. I have a new baby and four other kids that I love. I should be ecstatic that I have a second chance with them all, that the accident didn't turn out tragically. But I am not." He looked like he was miserable.

"So, why do you think you are miserable?" She was trying to get him to admit what she knew he already knew but was unwilling to face.

"You know we got married cause she was pregnant with Maureen. I thought I loved her...if you can know what love is at 18...but I doubt we would have married otherwise. We were too young and I had a hockey scholarship for college and lost that when I married...just changed my whole life. And now, it's like this pregnancy is making me stay with her again. Changing my whole life again. I wouldn't have gone back if it had not happened."

"Well, something must have been something there for you and Kathy to make another baby."

He snorted at the reply. "After Malcom Royce killed his family...I just had to see my kids...make sure they were okay. It was late...they were all asleep. When I went to say goodnight to Kath...she was in bed...she asked me to stay...it just happened. I think we both fell into the familiarity and...just needed comfort at the time...I don't know...it was just one time...the only time since we separated...two years...and now..."

"I thought you had asked to come home way before she got pregnant?"

"Yea. We never agreed on when I should come back...the longer we put it off, the more I realized I was not sure about going back. Things had started to change or maybe I just started realizing or maybe admitting things had changed between...between..me and...I don't know..."

"Between you and Liv."

"Yea. But, I was married. I would never go against my vows. Against my faith. I shouldn't have been thinking about her like that...I...just...the way I think about her...I guess it's like going against my vows anyway...only just in my mind...maybe that's even worse..."

"You were separated for two years, Elliot. Lots of people date during separations. If you had these feelings for Liv, why didn't you act on them during then?"

He snorted. "I've asked myself that a million times...I guess I was scared she didn't feel the same way or she wouldn't want to risk screwing up our partnership. Or she'd be so mad or scared that she would leave again or ask for another partner. I couldn't take it. I never meant to fall in..." He trailed off.

"When you think about Kathy, what comes to mind?"

"That nothing has really changed between us. We still fight all the time. About everything. Mostly my job. She is always after me to quit SVU. Take a job with regular hours. That's just not me. She should know that by now. Know me by now. SVU is in my blood. I don't want to give it up."

"You don't want to give up SVU...or Liv?"

"Both. Right now having Liv as my partner is the one way I can have her in my life."

"Do you still love Kathy at all?"

"Yea...I'll always love her...she gave me five beautiful children...we shared over half our lives together...I love her, but not like a man should love his wife. Not anymore. Maybe I never loved her like that. I was going to tell her I needed longer to think things out and decide and then she told me she was pregnant...I nearly lost it then."

"What about Liv, Elliot? How do you really feel about her?"

"I think about Liv all the time. When we are not together, I feel restless, like I am constantly looking for something I cannot find. When I am with her, the restlessness goes away. She completes me. She aggravates me to no end. We fight like hell. But it is different from the way Kathy and I fight. Liv and I...we always come back for each other...we have to come back. There's this bond, this connection that I never felt with Kathy. With anybody. I can't even explain it. I just know it's there and it's real. I have never said all this stuff to anyone, not any of this, not even Liv." He could not believe he was actually telling someone about his feelings for Liv. He couldn't believe how easy it was once he got he started and he could not believe the weight that seemed to lift from him, just by sharing all of this with Casey.

"The two of you do have a special bond. It's evident within seconds of the two of you being in the same room. It's something not many people have the fortune to experience."

"You see that between us?" He was surprised at her observation.

"Everyone that spends even a few minutes with the two of you sees it, senses it, Elliot. It is amazing. Perhaps it is time to tell her how you feel. It doesn't have to be like this, Elliot. You just have to come to terms with what you really want, and make some decisions. You also have to know that you will be able to live with the consequences of those decisions. You are the only one who can make them."

"Decisions? Like what?"

"Come on, Elliot. Don't play dumb. Do you love Kathy enough or have enough of a commitment to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work? Including letting Liv go? If not, can you divorce her and leave her to raise your son alone? Or is it Olivia you love? Can you risk losing her to tell her how you feel about her? Or would you rather let her go and watch her be with someone else, like Dean Porter without ever knowing if there was a chance with her? It isn't fair of you to stay with Kathy yet put all these demands on Olivia like you're her jealous lover. It's not fair to be with Kathy yet have Olivia in your heart and mind. You can not have it both ways. It's not fair to any of you. Whatever your choice, it is time to make it one way or the other. You can't stay with Kathy and pine over Olivia. And you can't keep throwing just enough her way to keep Olivia messed up for anyone else. It's time to make some hard decisions, Elliot. One or the other of these relationships have to be over."

His mind was a blur, processing the words Casey spoke. He nodded his head. "Yea. You're right. I need to make a choice and make it complete one way or the other. Do you think Liv will ever forgive me for today?"

"I think it will take time, but yea, I think she will." She said honestly, because she knew Liv could forgive Elliot for almost anything. That's how love works.

"Do you think she would want to be with me, you know, like a couple?" His voice was barely a whisper, almost begging in its tone.

Smiling, she said softly, "I think you should ask her. But I think you know the answer."

What she really wanted to say was 'Are you kidding me!? How can you not know that she is totally flipped out over you! Are you stupid? The look in her eyes when you walk into a room, the way the two of you connect, have entire conversations in your head just from looking at each other, intuitively know what the other is thinking, the fact that no other man has ever come close to measuring up to you, how you can't keep your eyes off of each other, if you had to be separated it would be like ripping your hearts from your bodies, how can you not know that she loves you completely, is hopelessly in love with you, you idiot!'

"Thanks for everything, Casey. I really needed to say all this out loud to someone and you have helped me more than you will ever know." He wanted to hug her, but since they really were not those kind of friends, he stood awkwardly looking at her.

She stepped forward, pulling him into a hug instead. "Anytime, Elliot. Liv is my friend and so are you. I just want the best for both of you."

"Thanks." He pulled away and opened the door. "Listen...uh...what I said...you won't...I mean...I don't want anyone..."

"Confidentiality is my job. You know, the attorney-client thing? Anything that happened or was said here, stays here, okay? Not a word. Not even to Liv."

He nodded, smiled and closed the door behind him.

- - - - - - - - -.

**A/N: **_Your reviews are so encouraging. I have gotten so into writing this I feel like I am actually there myself witnessing my own story as it unfolds. How cool is that! And though I know the ultimate destination of my story, and some ideas about how I am going to get there, it is kinda neat how another idea will take root and change my direction a bit. Not my destination but how I am going to get there. Cause it will be E/O!! Thanks again for all the reviews...course you know, it's Christmas...so it might slow down a bit...but Merry CHRISTmas!!_

_tamk3 - I _did not_ say which chapter EO occurs...it was a joke...you know how in the story a character will be talking and then suddenly gets interrupted...and you never hear the 'rest of the sentence'... but EO is on the way!_

_Marianne0424 - The reason all the chapter names start with 'R'... there is an author that I like...cannot remember her name...but all of her books do this and I thought it was kind of neat. Also SVU always names their episodes with one word that is mentioned somewhere in the story dialogue._


	12. Root

**Chapter 12 - Root**

Fin insisted on taking Olivia home. She had thrown up twice at the precinct, becoming very upset once again when Munch and Fin tried to talk to her about what happened. She was still a bit shaky, too. Cragen had come back from 1PP just in time to witness her second round with the trash can. They had still been up in the crib when he came up looking for everyone. Between the three of them, they managed to pull off the story that she must have food poisoning and he seemed convinced.

When the cab pulled up to her building, she tried to get Fin to go on but he was determined to see her settled in for the evening. While she showered, he made her some hot tea and fixed a salad for her. Coming into the kitchen, she was both surprised and touched at his thoughtfulness.

"You didn't have to do that, you know." Smiling, she patted him on the arm.

"I figure you ain't gonna fix yourself anything...gonna say you ain't hungry...or you too tired or too somethin'." He was shaking his head and laughing.

"You know me too well, Fin." She pulled the towel off of her wet head and ran her fingers through her hair. She had on a long sleeved navy blue NYPD t-shirt that had seen better days, white socks and blue, green and purple plaid flannel pajama bottoms. It was almost 7:00 and she had not eaten lunch, so maybe she would try to eat the salad.

"You gonna be okay?" His voice was low and full of concern, his eyes searched hers.

Giving him a hug, she said. "Yea. I'm gonna be okay."

"You call, if you need anything, girl, no matter what time. Eat that salad I went to the trouble to make. Get some rest." He closed the door behind him.

Now that she was alone, she could begin to analyze what had happened, all the emotions that ran through her, let go of all the bottled up tears. Before she could start on her crying jag, the ringing of her cell phone interrupted. It was Dean. On the nights when they had no plans to see each other, he had taken to calling her just to make sure she had gotten home safely. They would talk sometimes briefly, sometimes for hours. With everything that had happened, she had forgotten she was suppose to go by his place after work. He was calling to see where she was. He worried when she did not show up or call. She told him she was not feeling well and made the call a short one.

When she thought about how her and Elliot's relationship had gotten to this point of seemingly no return, she just shook her head. She would never have thought it could be like this, volatile to the point that she really did believe, if only for a second, he could have hurt her. She was thankful that Fin and Munch showed up when they did and pulled him off of her even though that meant they knew about the two of them. Sort of. She kept thinking about what Casey had said about love making people do crazy things, but jealousy making them do dangerous things. How many times had they investigated a crime only to be told by witnesses that the suspect seemed like such a nice person. Completely normal. Friendly. Held a good job. Was well educated. Law-abiding up until the point of the crime. That could be anyone she knew, any one of her friends, co-workers, even her self given the right circumstances. Love gone wrong. She could not admit to herself that he might, indeed, love her. He had given several indications that it was possible. And he sure was acting like a jealous lover...yet they had never even kissed. He was married, for crying out loud. She should not be thinking these things at all. There was a thin line between love and hate. Can't he see he does not have the right to feel this way. And that even if he can not stop those feelings, he certainly can not act like he did today. Like she was a cheating wife, breaking their vows and trampling their marriage. There was no commitment between them to be broken. She was angry at him for acting like there was.

As much as she hated to think about it, she was beginning to realize she and Elliot may not be able to remain partners with they way things were between them. She began to play with the idea of talking to Don to see what he thought she should do. Of course, she had to be sure she was willing to live with the potential consequences before she went to him, because there was little doubt that he would split them up even against her protest if she told him even part of what has been going on this last couple of weeks. There was absolutely no doubt he would separate them if he knew what happened today, how Elliot acted. She thought he might even consider having his badge or at the very least insisting that he be put on a leave of absence and get counseling before he could return in the full capacity as a detective. Either would kill Elliot. But she could not continue to ride this roller coaster of emotions much longer or it was going to kill her.

- - - - - - - -

It was just after 10:00 when Elliot got home. After leaving Casey's around 7:30, he stopped in at a bar, ate some chicken fingers, drank a couple of beers and mostly sat and beat himself up mentally for what he had done to Liv. He could only pray that she would know she deserved better. That he was the one that was screwed up, not her. Kathy was nursing the baby and watching Law & Order: SVU when he came in. He hated that show and all the shows like it that tried to show the life of cops and the world they dealt with, the things they see. No TV show could ever begin to portray the evil, the depravity, the debauchery that infiltrates the world of a real SVU detective. But Kathy said that watching it gives her just a little insight into the world he never discusses with her. Whatever.

"Hi, El."

"Hey." He walked over to her and rubbed the baby's head. "Hey, little man. Hungry?"

"Oh, Fin called several times looking for you. And so did Munch. I told them you were on case."

"Say what they needed?" Great. Now Fin & Munch know I lied. This must be why he has never been one to lie. Too many people to remember what you said what to and you had to tell more lies to make the first lies seem like truth. Liars always get caught. Not to mention, it is a sin.

Just then there was a soft knock at the front door. Elliot looked out the window of the door and saw Fin. Wonderful. "It's Fin." He said to Kathy as he opened the door.

"Hey."

"Hi, Fin." Kathy called out.

"Hey, Kathy. How ya doin'?"

"Great."

He turned back to face Elliot. "Man, where'd you go?"

"Let's step outside. She's nursing and I don't want to upset the baby." He shut the door behind him.

"Kathy said you caught a case...I know that ain't so..."

"Had to have some reason for not coming home on time."

Fin nodded his head. "So, where'd you run off to?" He was bouncing on his toes. A nervous habit.

"None of your business." Elliot said calmly.

Fin cocked an eyebrow at him and just stared. "Is that right?" He stepped closer to Elliot. "You made it my business when you got in Liv's face. What is wrong with you, man? She suppose to be your friend...that ain't how you treat friends."

"Look, this is between me and Liv...not you...not Munch..."

Fin had been trying to contain his anger, but now he unleashed it upon Elliot. "Nah, uh-uh. That ain't gonna fly, man." He was shaking his head. "You was all over her like a madman, crazy as hell, like you was gonna beat the crap out her, we have to pull you off, and you got that woman so upset she cryin', shakin' and passed out and tossin' her cookies two or three times and you gonna stand there and say this is between you two? I don't think so!" He closed the space between them and poked a finger in Elliot's chest so hard, it caused him to stumble backwards a bit. "I just made this between me and you. Liv is my friend and you go messin' with her like that again, and you gonna have me on yo' butt. You got that, man?" The look in his eyes made it clear he would carry out his threat.

Elliot was several inches taller and probably twenty to thirty pounds heavier, but Fin was solid and would give him a run for his money, especially with the added adrenaline he'd have if he was defending Olivia. Elliot had no desire to physically fight with him. Liv passed out? She threw up? He did that to her. Fin and Munch thought he was going to hit her. She thought I was going to hit her. If anything, he deserved for Fin to beat the crap out of him. Maybe it would knock some of the guilt and shame out of him. And when he got finished, Liv could have a shot.

"Yea, I got it." Elliot looked down at his feet and nodded. He knew Fin was justified in coming to Olivia's defense but he was deeply ashamed that Fin felt he had to defend her from him.

Fin sighed and stepped away. He rubbed his forehead with the fingers of his right hand. "Look, man, I didn't come all the way out here to nail you your butt to the wall 'bout what you did. I'm here cause Liv asked us to find you."

"What?" Elliot's head snapped up. He could not believe what he heard. Liv wanted them to find him? After all the indescribably horrible things he had said and done, she thought about his well being. How much more guilt could he take!

"Yea. She was real upset 'bout everything that went down, but even though she was about as bad off as I ever seen anybody, when Munch told her whatever she needed or wanted we would do for her, what do that girl say? She must have it bad cause she said she wanted us to go find your sorry butt and make sure you okay..."

Elliot just stood there trying to process what Fin had just said. He ran his hand over his head and rubbed his neck. Then he put both hands on his face, bringing them down to his mouth in a praying position. He doubted God would be hearing anything he had to say right now.

"So...you okay?" Fin watched him, wondering how he and Liv ever got to this place.

His head shaking back and forth, Elliot whispered. "No. No, I'm...I'm not okay." He felt tears stinging his eyes and he wiped at them with the back of his right hand. He didn't think he could feel any more guilt than he did. He was wrong.

"You wanna talk about it?" Fin really did not know what he would say and this was so awkward for him, especially seeing Elliot looking like he was going to really start crying at any moment, but if that is what Liv wanted, then he would figure out a way to do it. Awww, man! Don't you go cryin, he thought to himself.

"Thanks, but...I spent most of the evening talking about it...just got to work it out now between me and Liv."

He and Fin just stood there staring at each other. Fin acted like he wanted to say something else, but was unsure of himself. After several long minutes, Fin spoke, softly. "You ain't the only one who loves that girl...difference is, me and Munch, we love her like a sister...if you hurt her again, we gonna whoop up on you like her brothers. You gotta figure out where your head is, man and what you gonna do, cause this is ripping both of ya'll to pieces." He paused, then continued. "You know where to find me, if you need me." He playfully punched Elliot in the shoulder then turned and bounded down the front steps.

Elliot knew this would be yet another night without sleep. He watched Fin get in his car, heard it crank up, saw him back up and drive away. He watched as the tail lights disappeared into the cold, dark night. He didn't know how long he stood there on the porch without a jacket. But when he finally went in, he was shaking like a leaf in the wind. The weather may have been partly why he was shaking, but the other reason was the coldness he felt in his heart when he thought about the possibility of losing Olivia forever. He knew that shaking would not stop once he was warmed by the heat of the house.

Closing the door and locking up, he was surprised to see Kathy still up, waiting for him. Having put the baby to bed, she was reading in the recliner in the living room.

"What did Fin want?" She got up from the chair.

"Something about a case." He was not in the mood to talk.

"Oh. Are you hungry?" She kissed him on the cheek. "I can heat up the plate I saved for you..."

"No. Thanks, anyway." He started up the stairs.

"Elliot, I waited up for you. Can't you take just a little time to talk to me?" Her voice held more sadness than irritation.

Sighing, he rolled his head around on his shoulders to try to relieve some of the tension he felt. "Kathy, it's been a long, rough day and I just want to take a hot shower and go to bed..."

He felt her hands starting to massage his neck and shoulders as she said, "Then let's do that."

Turning around to face her, he took her hands in his, leaned down and kissed her lips quickly, and hugged her. "Not tonight, Kath. Okay?"

He could tell she was hurt by his rejection, but she covered it quickly. "It's okay." She smiled.

"It hasn't even been long enough since the baby, has it?"

"No." She shrugged her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows and scrunched her face.

He was halfway up the stairs, when she spoke again. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, Olivia is coming for dinner tomorrow night and bringing a date. I told her 6:30, okay?"

Bounding down the stairs, he nearly bellowed. "You what?! How could you do that without talking to me first?!"

She didn't know what to think of his outburst. "I...I did talk to you about it. I've been asking you for over a week to find out when would be a good time for her and you kept telling me you forgot. So I asked her the other night at Carmine's"

Never. Never is a good time. Oh, man! The thought of Olivia at his house with they way things were between them lately would not be good. But after what he had done and said today...he thought dying might be a more suitable alternative to the dinner.

Rubbing his hands over his face, he stared at Kathy. "You should have asked me first."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you don't want her to come over..."

"It's not that...it's just...we...uh.." Something Kathy said earlier just clicked in his mind. "Did you say she was bringing a date?"

"Yes. Dean. How come you didn't mention that she was dating anyone?"

Porter! This is just fantastic. Not only does he have to have dinner with the woman he is in love with, in his home, at his table, with his wife sitting right there, but now he is going to have to deal with the boyfriend of the women he is in love with, whom he would like to tear apart with his bare hands. His stomach was churning, he felt a headache coming on, he was beginning to feel shaky. In short, he was starting feel just like that night at Carmine's.

"Didn't think about it. Her dates never hang around for long anyway."

"Well, this one looks like he might..." She brushed past him to go upstairs to bed.

Suddenly, he was not the least bit tired. He made his way upstairs to the shower. Once he got in, he stayed until the water ran cold. He dried off, put on some sweats and lay down beside Kathy who was now sound asleep. He didn't know how long he lay there thinking, but the last time he remembered looking at the clock it was 3:07 a.m. Every time he felt sleep would overtake him, Kathy's last words would echo his mind, 'this one looks like he might' over and over, until he was wide awake again.

- - - - - - - - -

Tuesday morning broke clear, sunny and cold. Liv thought how ironic it was that the brightness of the sun enveloping her in its shine, only contrasted with the dark heaviness of her heart while the clear skies mocked the fog and haze of her mind. She had thought of calling out sick, but since that rarely happened, she knew Fin or Munch or both of them would be on her doorstep in no time. Did normal people go through all this emotional turmoil all the time? Sure there are things that happen in life from time to time that cause upheaval, but it seemed to her that this constant chaos was her life. Normal ever day life, for Liv, was turbulent, unstable. Could the root of all this be that she had the UnStabler for a partner and best friend. She laughed to herself. She keeps referring to him as her best friend. Best friends share every thing, they do things together and even nothing together. They laugh, they cry, they bring each other coffee in the middle of crappy day, or show up on the other's doorstep in the wee hours of the morning for support. They call just to say 'hi' or 'I need you'. They are always there just because. This used to be them but now she could not remember the last time she and Elliot had been or done any of those things. She was not even sure they were friends anymore. She was not sure what they were anymore.

Walking toward the elevators in the precinct, she saw Elliot standing down the hall, about 50 feet away, in front of the bay of elevators waiting for one. He had on those tight black jeans she liked, a maroon dress shirt, solid black tie and his black leather jacket. He was early. She almost always beat him in by 15-20 minutes. She stopped and hesitated, trying to decide if she should just go wait with him and pretend that nothing had happened yesterday or hang back to take a second elevator. Like always, he seemed to sense she was near and turned her way. Her choice was stolen from her as he started toward her. His face void of any emotion, he seemed to lack his usual confidence and bigger than life persona.

"Hey. We...uh... need to talk..." He chewed on the insides of his cheek, something he did when he was extremely hurt or nervous. His eyes glanced at her, taking note of her appearance. She was wearing brown pants today. She almost always wore black or dark blue. She had on that gauzy looking white shirt...what do they call that style? Peasant? A button-up sweater vest that was a bit darker than her pants was over it. She wore her tan leather coat that came down past her knees. He hadn't seen it for long time. And brown boots. She had more boots than anyone he knew.

"No. No. Let's just not do this...not now." She pleaded, not only with her voice, but eyes as well.

Taking her by her right arm, he pulled her into a small, empty break room. "Yes, now. We have to put on our game faces so Cragen won't suspect anything and Kathy told me you are coming to dinner at the house tonight, so we have to at least be civil to each other. And I have to apologize, Liv. For the way I acted, the things I did...said...I can't expect you to ever forgive me...I'll never forgive myself...but I am so, so sorry, Liv. I had no right to be angry...to ask you...if...you...Liv...if there was a way to turn the clock back, I would do every thing in my power to change that day...it was like it was someone else...doing and saying these terrible things...a madman...it wasn't me...I swear..it..it..."

"I know, I know..." She spoke the words softly.

"Liv, I could never raise a hand to hurt you...when I reached to touch you...and you...flinched...it nearly killed me...I made you think I could do that...I know it's all my fault...all mine...but I c-could never hurt you...never...you...you know that, right? The look in his eyes begged her to know this one thing.

She had to touch him, let him know she was not afraid of him. She put a hand to his face, softly caressing his cheek. "Elliot, I know you could never hurt me...not like that..." She tried to smile.

He reached up, took her hand, pulled it to his mouth and covered her fingers in kisses. She gasped. "Elliot, don't...please..." She could not take this...this blatant show of affection...of love.

Tears welled in his eyes and he blinked them back. He nodded and tried to smile, too. It didn't work very well for either of them. He still held her hand.

"Can we get through this day and tonight, at least, and then we can talk more about this later?" His voice shook just a little and she realized how unsure he was of himself.

"Yea. We can get through anything, El...together." Together? She did not know where that came from or why she threw that out to him, almost like a lifeline for a man overboard.

She used his nickname! He could not remember the last time he heard her say it. His second smile lit up his eyes, as he leaned down and kissed her cheek. She couldn't believe he did that and neither could he. He just could not help himself even though he knew it did not help the situation between them. Before they had time to analyze what had just happened or fall into a true discretion, he opened the door and ushered her back to the elevators.

- - - - - - - - - -

The sound of a feather falling could have been heard when Olivia and Elliot walked in, side by side, shoulder to shoulder, to the squad room at the 16th precinct that Tuesday morning. Fin was sitting at his desk and Munch was pouring coffee into his mug. They both froze in wide-eyed, open mouthed shock as the two partners walked in looking for all the world like the old, best friends Benson and Stabler. Just as Munch and Fin glanced at each other as if to say, 'What the...', Munch yelped in pain when the steaming hot coffee he had been pouring overflowed his mug and ran over his hand and all over the table and floor.

"Look at that, Liv. Hey, Munch, where'd all that mud on the floor come from?" Elliot laughed at his own joke, insinuating that Munch's coffee was so strong it was like mud.

"Better clean that up before Cragen sees it." Liv laughed, too.

They went to their desks, sat down and started working, leaving Fin and Munch to stare in wonder at the 180 degree change in them since last night. How could two people so utterly at odds one day be so buddy buddy with each other the next. Shaking their heads, Fin went back to his file as Munch cleaned up the mud.

As the day wore on, there was a case that the four of them worked together. Gang-related rape in the alley behind a local arcade, a hangout for teenagers, resulted in seven gang members being arrested and hauled in for questioning. The four of them spent the better part of the afternoon going over and over the interviews. Not one time was there a cross word, or even a hint of any disagreement between Olivia and Elliot.

"Man, this ain't right. I ain't never gone through a day with Benson and Stabler being so nice to each other. It just ain't right." He remarked to Munch outside the interrogation room, while they listened in on Olivia and Elliot questioning one of the suspects.

"I know what you mean. I keep thinking any minute now, Liv is going to say the wrong thing and Elliot is going to fly off the handle. But they keep on... 'hand me that file, please'... 'here you go..is there anything else'... 'thank you'... 'would you mind'... 'oh, I'll get it for you'... It's like being in the 'Twilight Zone'!" Munch stood with his arms crossed, peering through the one way glass as they continued their interrogation.

"Yea. Or 'Unsolved Mysteries'! The name of the story would be 'How did so much anger yesterday turn to such sickening sweetness today...not even 24 hours later'. Or how about 'Missing Detectives: Please help find the real Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler' All that anger didn't just go away like that, man." He snapped his fingers. "They gotta be holding it in? Gotta be about to explode. It's downright scary!"

"All I know, is that when the you know what hits the fan, I do not want to be any where near them!!"

"I hear ya, man!"

They heard footsteps behind them and turned, seeing Captain Cragen just as he came up. "What do you hear, Fin?" He asked.

"Uh..we..uh...we was just talking 'bout Liv and Elliot how nice they been being to each other."

"Oh?" A smirk stole across his face, as he thought maybe that little talk did some good after all. "Well, that's good."

"Yea? They 'bout to make Munch and me sick, they so syrupy sweet! I can't take it no more. They just ain't right!" He turned down the hall and headed back to his desk.

Munch simply shrugged, holding his hand up in answer to the Captain's questioning look.

Truth be known, they were both putting on an act, albeit, a good one. Olivia could feel his tension almost as if it were her own. And she had more than enough of her own. They were overly polite, considerate and acquiescent of the others requests no matter how trivial. This was made all the more difficult by the fact that she really was still angry about all he said and did the day before. She was not letting him off the hook on that so easily. Being nice, walking on eggshells, careful not to offend, Olivia thought, was as stressful, if not more so, than fighting, hollering, being sarcastic and coming up with the vicious verbal weaponry they wielded so well. By the end of the day, she was exhausted and quite stressed out from her performance and she still had the second act to survive...'the dinner' with the Stablers.

Elliot wished making things right between them could be as easy as he and Liv made it seem to those on the outside. He knew her well enough to know that she was doing her best to just make it through the day and dinner tonight without any issues between them. New issues, anyway. He already felt like he put a new issue between them by kissing her hand and cheek. He knew that when she touched his cheek it was her way of telling him she did know that he could never hit her. He had been so overwhelmed with relief, he could think of no other way to express it. He could still feel her on his lips. But he also knew this did not mean she forgave nor would forget so easily, what he had done and said. He sensed the interplay of opposing elements, the two of them, and the conflict it created within her. He could feel the confusion, the tension in her because the same thing was going on his mind. Besides, no matter what happened between them, they were inexplicably bound as though tentacles from their minds and hearts reached out for the other, taking root and intertwining them in a death grip. For himself, he knew without question, it would require death...his...to sever the grip Olivia Benson had on his heart, mind and soul. Even then, he was not sure that grip would be loosed.

- - - - - - - - -

They both left work a little early to get ready for 'the dinner'. Kathy had said casual dress, but when Elliot told her about the dress Kathy had out to wear, Liv opted for a bit less casual. She chose a pair of pin-striped black dress slacks, with an emerald green sweater that had tiny flecks of gold woven into it. The v-neck of the sweater was modest and it's long sleeves slight ruffled at the ends and were long enough to cover the bruises on her wrists. Bruises from Elliot's hands holding her wrists so she could not hit him. She tied a gold sash at her waist over the sweater, and wore a gold herring bone necklace and gold double-hooped earrings. Slipping on a pair of very pointed, 3 ½ heeled, black boots, she completed her outfit. After showering, she had completely redone her make-up, going just a bit heavier on the eye shadow, liner and mascara. Her trademark gloss was there, but she chose an almost wine color, darker than she wore during the day.

It was now only 5:20 p.m. meaning she had half an hour to try to calm her nerves. She thought about fixing a drink. Or two. Dean said he would be there by 5:50 and she wished he would just come on. Maybe having someone to talk to would help get her mind off of the evening to come. Her new companion, the tightness in her stomach, wanted her to know it was there and was not to be ignored. Her heart was racing. Her palms sweaty and hands trembling just slightly. Oh, what the heck. One glass of wine will not hurt anything. She went to the kitchen, got a wine glass and the bottle of wine in the frig, sitting down on her couch, she poured a glass. The wine was smooth and soothing as it slid down her throat. Within a few minutes, she began to feel calmer but not nearly calm enough. Twenty-five minutes and almost three glasses of wine later, she heard the knock signaling Dean's arrival. When she stood, she was just a little unsteady on her feet, and it was at that moment she remembered she had not eaten since breakfast, giving the wine more potency than normal.

She opened the door to find Dean dressed in a red sweater over a green and white shirt with small stripes, black dress slacks and black loafers. He had his black leather jacket, too. He was so handsome!

"Getting a jump start on the evening, I see." He smiled, noticing that she was swaying a bit. He could not get over how she looked. She was absolutely beautiful.

"Oh...uh...yea. I was just going to have a glass to take the edge off..." She was very surprised that her words were not slurred.

"And did it?" He smirked, knowing she had to have had more than one glass.

"No," she said, shaking her head back and forth. "But either the second one or the third one did the trick." She started giggling and fell against him. Mmm...his cologne... Oh, no, this is not good, she thought. She never giggles unless she is drunk or on the way.

He was amused at her giddiness but also knew it would not be wise to show up at the Stabler residence with her like this. "Tell you what, we'll stop and get you a cup of coffee...or two...on the way. You said it would be a good thirty minute drive, right? By that time, you should be sober enough to wing it."

He helped her to his truck. A 2003, black Ford F250. He helped her in and went around to his side, jumped in and turned the key. They were on their way to Kathy and Elliot Stabler's home for dinner. Well, as soon as they made a stop for coffee they would be on their way. He knew she was nervous about the dinner but could never quite get her to tell him why. Maybe those couple of glasses of wine, had loosed her tongue and he could get to the root of all that apprehension.

"Liv, you really are nervous about this dinner, aren't you." He tried to keep his voice light.

"Hmmm...a little." Watching the traffic, she did not turn to face him.

"A little?' I don't call three big glasses of wine to 'take the edge off' a little. What gives?"

"Nothing gives." She rolled her eyes.

"I mean, gee, you've been partners for almost nine years, you know his wife and kids, so what is there to be nervous about?"

"I don't know...it's just...it's like he has these two worlds...Kathy and the kids and home are one world...and SVU with all of the squad is the other world..."

"What about you..."

"I don't belong in his family world...only the work world...and when the two get mixed up together...it always...it just...it causes...friction...I don't know..."

"Friction? Between you and Elliot?"

"Between me and Elliot, between Kathy and Elliot, between Kathy and the kids, between me and...and...between everybody."

"Between you and Kathy?"

"Yea."

Why?"

"I've known his kids since they were really little. Lizzie thinks I'm her second Mom, Dickie has a crush on me, Maureen thinks I'm one of her best friends...she comes to me about things she knows her parents would freak out about, Kathleen...well, she didn't like me so much for a while, but it's been better since...well, it' just been better. But Kathy doesn't like that her kids like me..."

"Why didn't Kathleen like you?"

"She thinks I'm the reason her mom and dad split up."

"Why would she think that?"

"Because of the things Kathy was always saying. Acting like she's jealous."

"About you? How do you know she's jealous? Did Elliot tell you that?"

"No. Maureen told me. She said her mom was jealous that her dad spends more time with me than her and that not only did I have her husband all the time, but now her kids seemed to prefer me over her."

"So, she thinks you and Elliot..."

"No. She knows Elliot and I have not...we do not...she knows there is nothing going on...we talked about it...when she called me wanting me to...to talk him into signing the divorce papers."

"She wanted you to get him to sign their divorce papers?" Wow. This story was becoming bizarre.

"They were separated for two years and he would not sign. She was ready to move on."

"Why'd she come to you, especially if she was jealous of you?"

She laughed. "Because she said he listens to me." Not anymore. You have to talk to someone and hear what they are saying to be able to listen to them.

"Did he?"

"Never talked to him about it. Didn't think it was my place."

"How come he wouldn't sign the papers?"

"I don't know...a Catholic thing, I guess...didn't want to feel like he failed...who knows?"

"But he got her pregnant again..."

"Don't remind me." She mumbled under her breath.

"Excuse me?"

"Yea. That's the story. So, there you have it. I'm nervous about eating dinner with a woman who thinks I spend too much time with her husband, even though its our job, who dislikes that her kids like me, and her husband is a pain in the butt most of the time, so I am not real thrilled about eating with him either. But they think I saved Kathy's and the baby's lives so they feel like they have to be nice to me." She sat up and pointed. "There...McDonald's...I think I need two coffees."

Wow. He was going to have to stock up on wine. He found out more about Olivia in the last few minutes that he has in the last two weeks. If she ever realizes what all she told him, she will probably deck him.

- - - - - - - -

**A/N: **You do not know how much your reviews inspire me! Thank you so much! I know it takes time to read and review and I do appreciate it. And all the pointers about my writing style or lack thereof. Thanks!

**bloodymary2: **YES! They frustrate me to no end. But right now, in MY story I have them completely under MY control and they WILL come to their senses and there shall be EO!!! Your review of the rage scene blew me away! Thanks! It was so intense when I was writing it, that I was on the edge of MY seat. Then when I went back and reread it, I almost impressed myself! LOL!!

**svuaddiction: **I thought your comment about it taking too long for the E/O was hilarious! "We've been waiting for this to happen for 9 years...we can wait a few more chapters!" Thanks for your support!

**svuluvr:** You wrote: 'I'm going nuts over this story! I honestly ca't wait for more. :)' Here you go!! Merry CHRISTmas!!


	13. Riptide

**Chapter 13 - Riptide**

Elliot wished he could be anywhere but at home tonight. He'd take being in the hospital getting his appendix removed or even sitting through twenty horrible piano recitals just to hear his kid who was playing last. Anything but dinner at home tonight. Dinner. With Olivia. In his house, at his table, with her date, with his wife. Will this be an evening to remember or one to try and forget? He was putting his money on the latter. It's bad enough that she will be here, but to add to his agony, she's bringing Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI. The man he wants to punch in the face and rip apart. What is wrong with Kathy! Inviting the woman she has been jealous of for almost 9 years to dinner in their home! His partner, his best friend, his whatever she was to him. Well, they both managed to pull off the act at work today, heck, even Cragen was impressed. Tonight will be act two and hopefully, it will so well it will garner them an Emmy nomination.

Kathy was dressed in a red dress that had a filagree of silver around the neck of the dress and the lapels and sleeves of the matching jacket. The red was very becoming on her. She had a short string of pearls around her neck and matching earrings. Her long blonde hair that normally hung straight, was curled and fell around her shoulders. She looked very pretty.

Standing in their bedroom in front of the full-length mirror, she could not decide if the dress was okay. The color was okay. The style. Elliot came into the room, went to this dresser picking up and putting on his watch he had forgotten.

"Do you think this dress looks alright?" She asked him as she continued to survey herself in the mirror.

"Looks fine, Kath." He answered, not even taking the time to look at her.

"What about the color? Is it too bright of a red?" She wondered.

"Too bright? Red is red. It's fine." Snapping his watch and checking the time, he still did not even glance her way.

"Elliot! You aren't even looking at me!" She whined, putting her hands on her hips.

"Kathy, you look wonderful. Quit worrying." He walked over to her and kissed her on the top of her head.

"What is Olivia wearing?" She wanted to know.

No idea. Well, he has his own ideas. He did not get to see her dressed up very often and had already conjured up some mental images that were pretty awesome. The only thing he was sure about was that whatever she wore, she would be a knockout. She had a way of looking gorgeous even in worn out jeans and ratty t-shirts. He could not wait to see whatever attire she had chosen for the evening.

"How should I know? We don't exactly discuss fashion at work." The grimace on his face reinforced that he has no desire to discuss it either.

You know, we don't exactly discuss anything at work anymore. Or any where else. We don't talk unless it is about a case and sometimes even then we don't talk. When we do, more often than not, it usually leads to us taking verbal jabs at each other which in turn makes us talk less. There are even times that we try to discuss why we are not talking which leads to an argument which then leads to us not talking even more than we already are not talking. Did that make sense? Yea, well, that's how confusing things can get when you are not talking to someone your are not talking to but should.

"What about my hair? Do you like it with the curls or should I straighten it like I usually wear it? She was really agonizing over her appearance.

"Your hair is fine like it is." He said dutifully.

He wished Olivia had not cut her hair. He never even told her he liked it long. He didn't know it would have waves in it like it did. He liked it. She had grown it out when she was undercover and when she came back things were still off between them. He was still hurt and angry that she had left him again without letting him know. So they did not really talk then either, and he was not about to let her know he liked something about her.

"Shoes. Should I wear the black pumps or the red satin heels?" She had on one of each and was standing before him.

Do you want to look like a mother of five or a fashionable woman? He rubbed his chin, as if in thought. "The heels."

No question in his mind what Olivia would be wearing. If she had on a dress, she would wear those sexy, black, open-toed, four inch heeled, shoes with all those straps that came up around her ankles. Or the silver ones that had straps of diamonds. If she was wearing slacks, she would definitely have on one of her nine hundred pairs of boots. One of the dressier pairs, but definitely boots.

He wondered how Olivia ever got dressed without someone there to tell her this or that looked good. These shoes really go better with that outfit. Your hair would look better if you sweep the bangs to this side. Those earrings are perfect with this dress. But he already knew. She was used to being alone, used to figuring things out by herself. Used to making decisions based only on her input. She was confident in herself. She did not need anyone.

Kathy checked around the house one more time making sure every thing was in still in order from the days cleaning. All the books, clothes, shoes, toys put up. She had Elliot help her light candles. He thought there must be a hundred candles and he lit most of them. She had asked him at least ten more times if she looked okay. He had assured ten times her she looked wonderful. He was nervous as hell, but not nearly as nervous as he would have been if he had not taken those three shots of tequila without Kathy knowing. He was on his second beer, too. He actually believed he may be able to emerge from this evening unscathed. He went to check on the steaks he had grilling on the back porch.

- - - - - - - - - -

At precisely 6:27 p.m., Olivia and Dean pulled into the driveway at the Stabler home in Queens. It was lit up with Christmas lights, from the bushes to the porch to the roof. It was beautiful. Olivia wondered when Elliot found the time to string them all. The wine had worn off some aided by the two coffees she drank, but the calming affect she had needed remained.

Standing on the covered porch, Dean looked at her, leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Did I tell you, you look absolutely incredible tonight?"

She laughed, tilting her head up at him. "Yeah, but I lost count after five. Don't let that stop you, though...I like hearing it."

At this moment, she realized that even though she did not know Dean very well, she liked being with him. It was easy to be with him, maybe because she did not really know him. There was no history, no baggage, no battle, no wife. Maybe the problem was getting to know people too well.

He hugged her. "Ready?" She was not.

But there was no way to put this off. These past few weeks she felt like she had been treading in dangerous waters. Now she was caught in a riptide that was taking away from every thing safe and sound only dump her right in the middle of a sucking, swirling vortex of emotions that she feared would be her ultimate undoing. Taking a deep breath she sighed, looked at Dean once more and nodded her head.

- - - - - - - - - -

The sound of the doorbell, sent Kathy into a flurry of straightening and looking around the living room one last time before smoothing her hair and dress. It just made Elliot more nauseous than he was already. He made one last promise himself he was not going to fight with Olivia and he was not going to punch Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI. Not one time. "Elliot! They're here!"

Kathy opened the door with Elliot standing right behind her. Olivia and Dean stood on the porch, smiling as Kathy invited them in. Dean with one hand on the small of Olivia's back and a bottle of wine in the other, leaned over to place a quick kiss on Kathy's cheek. Elliot was caught off guard at that. What? Is he just trying to mess with his head or what? Porter has the woman Elliot loves hanging on to him and then kisses his wife! Somebody hold him back! Not that he was jealous. Not of Kathy. It was just the principle. And if Dean kept touching Olivia all night, Elliot was sure he would have to add to those three shots.

"Olivia, Dean. Come in, please." Kathy, the perfect hostess, spoke warmly, her smile bright.

"Thank you." Olivia said as she stepped in ahead of Dean. She glanced at Elliot just long enough to take him in head to foot. Why did he have to look so good? He had on a dark green checkered shirt, that must be new because she had never seen it, with dark tan khakis and brown and black tasseled loafers. The irony, that she and Elliot both had on the same color green and Dean and Kathy both had on red, was not lost on her.

"Here, I'll take your coats." Elliot offered. His fingers brushed the back of her neck as he reached to hold the coat, helping her out of it. She instantly sobered and wished for another glass of wine. Just give her the bottle! The whole bottle.

"Thank you." She tried not to, but she looked straight at Elliot and their eyes locked for just a second too long. In that extra second, she knew she was not the only one who felt the jolt of electricity that passed between them from that accidental touch. It was accidental, right? She felt color coming to her cheeks, as she turned back to Kathy and Dean. Dean saw how their eyes locked and thought to himself, that is not how a detective looks at his or her partner.

She turned away, but not before Elliot saw the look in her eyes that told him the touch affected her as much as it did him. How could such a superficial, accidental touch nearly make him fall to his knees. It was accidental Fingers still tingling from the heat of barely brushing her, Elliot continued looking at her. She looked incredible. Fantastic. He even liked her hair tonight, though he still preferred it longer. How he would love to run his fingers through it right now. The green sweater really enhanced her dark complexion and big, brown eyes. Her slacks were pin-striped, an elegant, classic style, and they looked as fine as the rest of her, he thought as his eyes quickly scanned her head to toe. Yep. There are the boots and since her eyes are almost level with his, he knows they must have three and half to four inch heels. She is gorgeous. He has to calm down.

Handing Kathy the bottle of wine, Dean told her, "Olivia said you were serving steaks so I brought one of my favorite wines, it's a deep, rich merlot. I think you will enjoy it as well." He turned and gave his jacket to Elliot, who then tore his eyes from Olivia and went to hang up their coats in the hall closet.

"Oh, Dean. You didn't have to do that, but, thank you." Smiling, she took the bottle from him.

"Olivia, I love your outfit. That shade of green is beautiful on you." Kathy said, graciously.

Any shade of any color is beautiful on her, thought Elliot, returning to the hallway. They had been here less than two minutes and he was already having to chastise himself for not being able to take his eyes off of her. Forget unscathed. He was so going to be caught before this evening ended.

"Thank you. Red looks very nice on you." Good grief, she thought. We have been here less than two minutes and I have said 'thank you' three times. Casual? That dress is far from casual. What? Was she hoping I would show up in jeans. Got to remember to thank Elliot for telling me what she was wearing!

"Yes. You look very nice, Kathy." Dean complimented, as she blushed and looked to Elliot.

He was still looking at Olivia but shifted his eyes to Kathy when she looked his way. At that moment a loud commotion suddenly caught their attention. Hollering could be heard from the upstairs and then the echo of pounding feet running down the stairs as Dickie made his escape from Kathleen.

As they hit the stair bottom, Kathleen whined to her mother. "Mom!! Tell him to give me back my cell phone!"

"You said I could borrow it, dweeb!" Dickie countered.

"Only for that one phone call, jerk! Not for the night!! Mom!?"

"Kathleen! Richard! We have company..." Elliot's stern voice, settled them instantly.

"Oh, I am so sorry. Please excuse us." Kathleen stopped and turned to look at the guests. "Hi, Liv. Thanks for being there for Mom and E.J." She gave Olivia a quick hug.

"No problem. E.J.?" She cocked her left eyebrow. Olivia had not heard the baby called by that name.

"Yes...the kids don't want to call him 'Elliot'...so it looks like he might end up with a nickname." Kathy smiled and hugged Kathleen.

"This is Agent Porter. Dean, these are two of our children, Kathleen, 19 and Dickie, 16. His twin is Lizzie, with the broken leg. She and the baby are being taken care of by our oldest, Maureen." As the introductions were being made, Dickie handed Kathleen's cell phone to her.

"Kathleen, you are as lovely as your mother. My pleasure." Dean took her proffered hand and kissed it. Kathleen nearly swooned. "Thank you, Agent Porter." Elliot nearly choked. If this jerk kisses one more Stabler woman...

"Agent? What are you? CIA, FBI. DEA...?" Dickie asked, looking him straight in the eye and shaking Dean's hand firmly.

"FBI." He smiled. The kid had a strong handshake and was almost as tall as Dean. "You plan to go into law enforcement like your dad?"

"Yes, Sir. But I want to go Federal, not local. Not sure which agency yet. DEA, ATF. Maybe FBI." For some reason those statements made Elliot seethe, even though he already knew that was what his son planned. He thought it was just because Porter was Federal and Dickie shared his dreams with him.

"Well, make sure you do well in school, son. These days you have to have a four-year college degree to be eligible to apply to the Feds. And believe it or not, we look for business administration degrees, not criminal justice, like you would think."

"Thanks for the information. Good to meet you, Sir. I gotta go. Meeting some friends for a movie." He turned to leave but then realized he had not spoken to Liv. "Oh, hey, Liv!" He gave her a big bear hug.

"Look at you! You're taller than your Dad? And definitely more handsome!" She stole a glace at Elliot as she held Dickie by the shoulders, looking him over and smiling. He was a young man, now.

"And you look awesome, Liv!" Dickie gushed. She could not believe he was no longer the shy, young boy who had a major crush on her.

"Thank you, Dickie." As everyone looked at her, she felt the heat rush to her cheeks.

"Dickie!" Kathy reprimanded.

Way to go, Dickie. Like father, like son, thought Elliot, grinning widely as he watched Olivia blush.

"Well, she does. And all my friends think she's hot, too!!" He said to his mother. "You know, we are all really glad you were with Mom and E.J at the accident...I mean not glad that you were...well...you know what I mean...thanks, Liv." He hugged her again. "I really gotta go! See ya, Liv. Bye, everybody!"

She was hot, thought Elliot. But she truly did not realize it and that made her even more so. Olivia gave the impression of being totally self-confident and in most areas she was very much so, especially professionally. But she seemed to have very little confidence in her femininity, that she was a very attractive, very desirable woman. Perhaps that came from her mother never really being able to accept Olivia as simply a child that needed love and acceptance, without remembering the circumstances of her conception.

Kathleen was right behind him. "Some of us are going down to the Hard Rock for dinner and then back to Torrie's house." She hugged Kathy and kissed Elliot goodbye.

As she passed by Liv, she leaned in, put her hand to Liv's ear and whispered. "Agent Porter is a major babe, Liv! I mean H-O-T, major! Way to go!" She hugged her again and was gone. Liv knew she was probably beet red and there was not thing she could do to hide it.

Elliot watched the entire interaction with amusement. He knew Liv was embarrassed by Dickie's proclamations, especially about her being 'hot', but he had to admit his son knew how to call them. And whatever Kathleen said to her, embarrassed her, too. But he had no clue about that. He'd have to remember to ask Liv about it later.

"Wow! I can't get over how much they have grown and changed. It's only been about 4 months since I saw Dickie and he was still shorter than me. And Kathleen...she has become a beautiful young woman. I know you are so proud of them." Olivia could not quit smiling. She loved those kids as if they were her own.

"Yea, we are proud of them, aren't we, honey?" Kathy, looking at Elliot.

"Couldn't be prouder." The grin on his face was evidence enough of that pride.

"I need to excuse myself to the restroom..." Olivia said. All that wine and coffee was making a comeback.

"El, show her the bathroom..." Kathy said.

"I think I remember..." Olive was pointing down the hallway.

"Oh, we added a new guest bathroom near the kitchen by the basement door...I'll show you." Elliot said, nodding toward the kitchen.

When they got to the bathroom, Elliot turned on the light and whispered, "So how many did you have." He was grinning. He could always tell when Olivia had even had one drink.

"Three glasses. Big glasses. Wine and two coffees." Rolling her eyes, she laughed out loud. "What about you?"

"Three shots of tequila and two beers." He was laughing as he walked away. When did they stop laughing, he wondered. The sound of her laughter always made him smile as it seemed to wash away all the tension within him, even if only for a few minutes.

As Olivia came from the bathroom, Elliot was heading out to check the steaks cooking on the grill. He smiled at her and she nodded and returned the smile.

Dean was following Kathy into the kitchen. "Why don't you keep Elliot company, Dean? I have a few things left to do and it will give Olivia and me time to talk."

"Okay. I know when I am not wanted. And don't you mean 'girl' talk?" Laughing, he headed for the back door.

Great. Alone with Kathy. Girl talk. Her mind screamed. Warning! Disaster ahead! Olivia's stomach drew tighter and she had not been sure that was at all possible.

"Come on." Kathy said, motioning with her hand to Olivia.

Kathy busied herself taking things out of the refrigerator and preparing the salad. Olivia just stood there not knowing what to do. "How can I help you?"

"Well...would you mind getting the wine glasses down? They are in the far left cabinet on the next to the top shelf. If you will, put one by each of the table settings."

"Sure." She opened the cabinet and pulled out four long stemmed wine glasses. She took them to the dining room and set them at each place. When she returned to the kitchen, Kathy looked up and motioned for her to sit down.

"I think I have everything else under control...just have a seat and keep me company."

Olivia sat down at the breakfast table and looked around the kitchen. Various pictures colored by small hands, must have been years old because the twins were 16 and she doubted they colored anymore, were posted on the frig along with school calendars, reminders of doctor and dental appointments and a few pictures. The kitchen had a homey feel to it.

"You have done a wonderful job decorating your home for Christmas." She bet Kathy had decorations for every holiday imaginable. Probably handmade them all, too. Olivia was doing good to remember it was Christmas, let alone take the time to decorate.

"Thanks. How have you been? Really. You know since the accident?"

"I'm good. You and the baby?"

"Oh, we are fine. Thank you, Olivia, for all you did."

"Anyone would have done the same thing."

"Have you gotten another car, yet?"

"No. The insurance company keeps saying the 'checks in the mail' but it hasn't come."

"So, tell me about Dean. You said you met him when you were undercover?"

"Yea, he was my case handler."

"What does that mean, exactly?"

"Kept me updated on intelligence information relevant to the case...gave me direction about what I was to do or look for while undercover, tried to keep me safe."

"Tried to keep you safe? Did something happen?"

"Our group got into a scuffle with the local police and I ended up in the hospital with a concussion from a billy club upside my head. It was all a big misunderstanding."

"Oh, my! Elliot never told me about that. I am so sorry."

"Elliot doesn't know. I really have not talked about the undercover stint."

Because any time it comes up, it ends in a fight with him reminding me that I left him for the second time without talking it over, without saying goodbye, telling him where I was going. Nothing. Nothing but the recording telling him 'the number you have reached has been disconnected. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and dial again' and I don't want to be reminded that I left him or of all that time I spent 3000 miles away from him, missing him, dreaming about him. I don't want to be reminded that I came back to find Dani had more than taken my place. That's why he doesn't know.

"Oh, I thought you two talked about every thing?"

Not anymore, she thought. We just tolerate each other. The only time we even pretend to be civil is when Cragen chews us out and threatens to split us up. But this morning...this morning he kissed my fingers and then kissed me on the cheek...that's progress, wouldn't you say...maybe too much progress...but just maybe...we will be able to fix things and find ourselves again.

When Olivia did not respond, Kathy asked another question. "So, you have known him for awhile...how long have you been dating?"

"I wouldn't call it dating." What would you call it, Benson? "Met a little over a year ago. We didn't have that much contact except for a couple of our cases that overlapped Federal jurisdiction. He heard about the accident, came by to see how I was and well...here we are."

"Well, he sure is handsome and nice."

"Yea. He is."

"Handsome or nice?" Kathy, cocked an eyebrow and smiled.

"Both." Olivia laughed.

"And he sure seems to have it bad for you!"

"Kathy...we hardly know each other and it only been two weeks since we've...we've..."

"Been dating?" She laughed.

Olivia started to argue with her, but found herself laughing right along with Kathy.

- - - - - - - -

Outside on the deck, things were not going as well. The conversation was stilted and tensions ran high. Porter had tried small talk, but Elliot was not in for it. So, he decided to try the 'to the point' method. " You don't like me, do you, Stabler?"

Elliot snorted as he turned the steaks. "What could possibly make you think that, Porter?" His voice tinged with sarcasm. He would like to knock him right up and over the porch railing and flat on his butt on the hard frozen ground.

"I am a detective, Detective. They pay me to watch people, assess their every action, every word, inflection of voice, analyze every emotion in their eyes they think they can hide. My intuitiveness is honed like the blade on a fine hunting knife. I'm just like you."

"Whether or not I like you is really a mute point given that my partner apparently does. So, I guess that means we're sort of stuck with each other." He took a few swallows of the beer in his hand.

"And that is precisely why you don't like me, isn't it?" He was going to push the envelope.

"What are you talking about?" He glanced at Porter who was finishing off his bottle of beer.

"Liv. You can't stand me because she does like me...enough to date me."

"We're partners. She can date whoever she wants. I just don't want to see her get hurt."

"You're jealous, Stabler."

"You're crazy, Porter...Liv and I are best friends."

He felt the familiar burning seeping into his being as his anger level began to rise. He felt the need to punch something, but he somehow maintained control.

"So she tells me...all the time. For two people who claim to be best friends, you sure seem to be at odds."

Elliot stiffened, laid the tongs down he was using to turn the steaks and faced Porter. He thought about that one well placed punch he wanted to deliver to the middle of Porter's face.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Elliot's eyes were blazing with the fire of his instant anger.

"Remember my detective skills? My gut says things are sour between you and Liv. Why? What's really going on with you two?" Porter stared unblinking at him.

The anger welled up within him, but he was determined to make it through this evening without inflicting bodily harm on Porter. His jaw clenched and his hands fisted. He took a deep breath and will self control upon himself.

"Whatever is between me and Liv is none of your business. If you insist of poking it where doesn't belong, you're gonna find yourself with a free nose job." His eyes were narrow slits, his voice low and menacing.

"Did I just hear you threaten a Federal agent?" Dean's voice was full of arrogance and sarcasm, as he stood up to his full height and put his empty beer bottle on the picnic table beside him.

Elliot quickly eliminated the space between them and stood toe to toe with Porter. He was only inches from his face and he had to look slightly up at Porter, but he spoke in the same menacing tone. "Is that what you heard? I am so sorry. I did not mean for it to sound like a threat."

He brushed an imaginary piece of lint from Porter's sweater, then smoothed over it with this right hand, patting his shoulder. He leaned just a bit closer. "It was a promise!" He growled. If looks could kill, it would be all over for Dean Porter.

Slamming the steaks on one platter and the potatoes on another, and shoving them into the Porter's arms, he was halfway in the house, when Porter made his last comment, just loud enough for Elliot to hear.

"She's not yours, Stabler."

He may be taller than Elliot, and about as big, but there was no doubt in his mind he would lose in any physical altercation with him. The man was pure muscle and simmering rage and built like a tank. Still, if he and Olivia were going to continue dating, he had to lay all that out there for Elliot to ponder, because for some reason he felt like Elliot was his competition. He also knew that if Liv ever found out about this conversation, he would have nothing to worry about because she would kick his butt just before she kicked him out of her life.

"Steaks are ready!!" Elliot hollered as he and Dean came in with platters of food. Elliot had the steaks and Dean the baked potatoes. Grilled baked potatoes.

Elliot felt like he being pulled farther and farther out and away from sanity, reality, caught in a riptide of emotions as Porter's words bounced off the walls of his mind, a persistent taunt, echoing, laughing. 'She's not yours, Stabler.' Not yours. Not yours. Not yours.

- - - - - - - - -

A/N: You guys have made my Christmas with all your reviews. I cannot believe I am sitting here Christmas morning getting ready to post another chapter. Hope you enjoy it. " ) Bensler


	14. Reward

**Chapter 14 - Reward **

The dining room table was elegantly decorated. The table cloth had a green and red Christmas design with coordinating place mats and napkins. There were two groups of three candles on each end and a group of five larger candles in the center. The china had a pattern of large poinsettias across the plates with smaller floral pattern around the edge. There was a thin strip of gold at the outer edge. Matching salad plates and coffee cups and saucers sat beside the dinner plates. Olivia was not into china, but she knew quality and workmanship when she saw it. It was beautiful The eating utensils were gold instead of the average, boring stainless steel or silver and a beverage glass stood ready by each setting as well as a wine glass that Olivia had put there. Kathy had seated them so she was across from Dean and Olivia was across from Elliot.

When they were all seated, Elliot picked up the platter of steaks and held it out for Olivia to pick one. "Liv..."

"Thank you." From the way he said her name, she sensed his mood change and wondered what the heck had been said outside on the deck. Venturing a look at him, he kept his eyes on the steaks. She thought it odd that he avoided her eyes when earlier he had been so eager to meet her gaze. She took one and put it on her plate.

Shifting the plate toward Dean, Elliot barely grunted. "Take one."

"They look really good, Stabler. Thanks." Dean's smile was smug. He knew his last words on the deck had gotten under Elliot's skin and he was rather pleased with himself.

Elliot stabbed one of the remaining steaks and put it on Kathy's plate and then put the last one on his. Kathy had passed out the potatoes. The salad had already been placed at each setting.

"This china is beautiful, Kathy. It looks antique." Olivia complimented.

Kathy was pleased that Olivia had noticed. "Oh, you know your china? I never would have thought you would be into something like that."

She tried hard to keep the indignation out of her voice. "I'm not really. But I do know exceptional workmanship when I see it." What was that supposed to mean? 'You wouldn't be into something like that'! She took it as an affront to her femininity and unmarried status.

Proud to give a bit of history about it, Kathy explained, "It is antique. It belonged to my great grandmother. It's hand painted and signed in 24k gold by Joseph T. Yeschek. He was an acclaimed porcelain artist during the early 1900s. I love it, but, of course, it can only be used at Christmas because of the pattern."

"Food is great." Dean said, as he took a bite of salad. "Did you marinate the steak in something?"

"Oh, that's Elliot's department. Honey, what is it you do to the steaks?" Turning to him, she noticed he seemed to be in another world. He had been doing that an awful lot lately.

Fuming from Porter's last words, Elliot could barely speak, much less carry on a polite dinner table exchange. He could not even keep his mind on what was being said between the other three.

"Elliot?" Kathy was clearly getting aggravated.

"Elliot?" Just as she called his name again, he felt a kick to the shin and snapped to attention, glaring first at Liv, who was the apparent deliverer of the kick and then at Kathy. "What?" He snapped, turning to Kathy, still somewhat in a daze. His shin hurt like the devil!

"Dean wants to know what you marinated the steaks in?" She was trying to maintain a smile.

"Uh...marinade...yea...uh...beer, dark beer, brown sugar...uh...a bit of garlic, teriyaki sauce, garlic...oh..already said that..uh...salt and pepper...for a couple of hours." He was surprised he could remember the ingredients...just please don't ask how much of each.

"Beer? Why am I not surprised?" Dean laughed.

Elliot glared at him. "What is that supposed mean?"

Olivia tried to get him to look at her, but he would not. The kick worked the first time. And the second. Okay, okay. He glanced at Liv long enough to see in her eyes what she is thinking. If he does not quit acting like a jerk, she is going to keep sending him messages via kicks to the shin. That woman kicks like a soccer player! Oh, yea, she played varsity in high school!

"You're a beer man, aren't you? That's all I meant."

"They are very good, Elliot." Smiling, Liv cut another piece of steak and popped it in her mouth.

The steaks and potatoes may have been delicious to everyone else, but to Elliot it all tasted the same. Like cardboard. He really needed some Alka-Seltzer. Or another beer.

"So, Dean...have you had a chance to be stood up by Olivia because they caught a case at the last minute?" Kathy asked, as she cut a piece of steak.

"Not yet." He shook his head.

"Oh, then you must not have had plans last night, when they got called out."

"Uh..last night? He glanced at Liv, Elliot and then back to Kathy. "Liv was suppose to come by my place, but wasn't feeling well...she canceled...they didn't get a call..."

"Yes, they did. Elliot called around 6:00 saying he'd be late because they had a case...and Fin came by later..."

Elliot's mind snapped to full attention. Oh, man. He had to come up with something, but his mind was mush and he could not think quick enough to cover. In the few seconds it took for all this to take place, Liv's eyes sought his and when his finally met hers, she searched them, hearing every word his eyes spoke. Fear and guilt and pleading.

"Well, I talked to her around 7:00...she didn't mention it..." He was frowning slightly.

Liv quickly jumped into the conversation, covering for Elliot. You could be sure she would find out what exactly she was covering for later. "Uh...actually, we did have a case. But Elliot knew I wasn't feeling well and offered to take care of it since it was just interviewing one person."

All it took was a glance at Elliot to see his eyes held undying gratitude for her. Yea, El, I got your back. That's what partners are for...to cover your butt, when you screw up. Save your life. Rest assured you are going to spill the beans about where you were, what you were doing and with who last night. I lied for you and you are going to tell me every thing! She could not believe she lied to Kathy. And Dean. For Elliot.

Dean and Kathy looked at each other, and then back and forth at Elliot and Olivia, as though they were trying to process everything and decide if it was the truth or if they were being deceived.

"Yea...Liv was under the weather and it was no big deal...the interview." Elliot said, smiling at Kathy. He was getting good at this. Lying. That served only to magnify the guilt he felt.

"Oh, okay." Kathy said. She was suspicious, but decided to let it go because that was part of the reason they split up. Her suspicions and jealousy about his job, his partner.

"Makes sense." Although, he was not sure, Dean agreed.

He had watched the two of them as their eyes met. Never had he seen anyone carry on such a conversation with their eyes. There was no doubt that they were 'talking' to each other. Some of those rumors he heard, told tales about this almost super natural bond between them. Perhaps there was something to that, he thought.

His detective skills kicked in and he started thinking about last night. She hadn't showed up at his place or even called. He had called her cell phone. They didn't talk long. She said she was not well and was about to shower and go to bed. Yeah, but alone? He had no way of knowing if she were alone or even at home last night, for that matter. Whatever. Something was off about this whole thing about there being a case. Well, there were ways to find out and he would do just that first thing in the morning.

- - - - - - - - -

The four of them began clearing the table, taking things into the kitchen. Olivia insisted on at least loading the dishwasher. Elliot was going back and forth with dishes and things from the dining room.

"Would anyone like more wine with dessert? Kathy asked. When everyone answered they would, she picked up the wine bottle only to find it was empty. "Guess I'll have to get one from the Stabler stash in the basement."

Elliot took the bottle from her and placed it in the trash. "Hey. Since Dean seems to be a connoisseur of wine, why don't you let him pick a bottle?" Elliot suggested. He had to find a way to get a minute alone with Liv.

"Good idea, honey. Come on, Dean." She opened the door leading to the basement.

Dean knew exactly what Elliot was doing and he did not want to go pick a bottle of wine, but had no way to decline without bringing suspicion to his desire to stay upstairs. "Sounds great. We won't be long." He went to Liv, kissed her cheek and then reluctantly left her with Elliot, but not before shooting Elliot a threatening look.

Wasting no time, Elliot came up behind Olivia at the sink. She was rinsing dishes and piling them aside to put in the dishwasher. He leaned around her to place some more in the sink. "Thanks for covering for me, Liv. I owe you."

"Yea, you owe me an explanation as to where you were, who you were with and what you were doing last night that you would lie to your wife. And drag me into that lie." She shot back as she started rinsing the pile he had just brought.

Placing his arms around her, his hands gripping the counter on each side of the sink, he was mere inches from her. "Yea? What were you _going _to be doing at his place last night? Huh?" His breath was hot in her ear and she could feel the heat from his body as that tightness in her stomach intensified and her heart began to beat wildly. She also felt the anger over yesterday afternoon rare its ugly head at his question. But just for a second.

"Elliot..." Her voice was barely a whisper. "You n-need to...to back off. Kathy and Dean w-will be..." Her voice was small, weak, not hers.

"Kathy and Dean will be a while because she'll insist on showing him every bottle we have and telling a story about them and there must be sixty to seventy bottles. Besides, the stairs creak really loud, so I'll hear them coming up." He was still at her ear, his voice a whisper.

"We can't do this..." Words failed her as he pressed his body closer still not touching, hands still on the counter.

"Do what, Liv?" As he spoke, his breath blew into the hair at the back of her neck. The fire that ran down her entire body, threatened to consume her, turning her legs to ashes. She now gripped the counter as well, her hands millimeters from his.

Words stuck in her throat which suddenly had become very dry. She could not respond. Not with words, anyway. She was responding but not in a way she should. Not with him. Not in his house. Not with his wife and her date a floor below them. Not ever.

"What are we doing, Liv? Tell me." He demanded as he pressed his body into hers and barely brushed his lips to the back of her neck. He wanted so badly to turn her around so he could really kiss her. As it was, this was torment for the both of them.

Oh, dear God! "El, pl..please...we..we..." If he moves his hands and touches her, she thought...she was not going to be able to take it...not with the heat from his body and the kisses on her neck...there would be no telling what would happen. She had to get out of this situation. Now!

But she could not move. It was as though someone else owned her body and had rendered it useless, to her because of their control. His control. What an analogy, she laughed silently. Yea, Elliot owns me. He does. He's owned me for a long time. There is no control unless he gives it to me.

"That night...after the bar, when I came by your place...I told you to tell me something...you never did..." His breath hit the back of her neck, gently blowing her hair, with each word, causing dangerous bursts of fire to wrap around her body and soul. She twisted her head from side to side, a vain attempt to release some of the tension, as he continued. "I told you to tell me you don't feel this, too. This thing. This whatever it is between us." She saw his right hand leave the counter and she knew everything she felt was going to come crashing into the both of them. His rough hand gently pushed the hair back from her neck as his lips touched where his fingers of fire had just trailed. "Tell me you don't feel it, too, Olivia. Tell me and I will leave you alone. Just tell me."

Not only could she not move, she could not speak. If her life depended on it, she could not have persuaded a word to come from her mouth.

"Tell me you don't feel it, Olivia, and I will never bother you again." His lips brushed her ear. "Just tell me."

The trembling of her body and the low moan that escaped against her will was her answer. The only answer she could give him. The only answer he required. In it he felt and heard everything he needed, everything he wanted, everything that was not his. "Elliot...El...we..can't...oh, El..." The words choked in her throat.

The laughter floating from the basement and the creak of the stairs forced him to pull apart. Elliot opened the refrigerator and was pulling out the cheesecake Kathy had made for dessert, as Liv stood in her same position, washing one of the pots that had been soaking. The scene gave the appearance of being perfectly innocent. Dean Porter's finely honed intuition told him otherwise.

- - - - - - - - -

Kathy had insisted that Elliot stoke up the fireplace. So, the four of the them were in the living room around the fire, eating cheesecake, drinking wine and talking. Elliot and Kathy were on the couch which sat perpendicular to the fireplace with Elliot closest to the fire. Dean was sitting on the love seat that faced the fireplace and Olivia was in the recliner angled toward the fireplace and across from the couch, directly across from Elliot.

"Dean, where are you from? Do I hear a touch of Brooklyn?" Kathy asked.

"You're good. Born and bred. Until college."

"Oh? Where did you go to school?"

"Boston College, undergrad degree in business."

"How'd you end up there? That's pretty prestigious."

"My widowed grand-aunt lived in Boston and offered to pay for my education if I would live with her and help out around the house. She never had children. My parents could never have afforded it."

"You were lucky to have someone that could do that for you. So, how did you decide to you wanted to be in the FBI?"

"Some agents were on campus for a career seminar. After talking with them, I decided to apply and as they say, the rest is history."

Olivia and Elliot sat quietly watching and listening to Kathy and Dean talk. Well, Olivia was watching and listening to them. Elliot was watching Olivia...how the fire created shadows and lights that danced across her beautiful face...how the flames reflected in her eyes making them shine and sparkle. He could look at her all night. He thought how her real beauty was in her kindness, her big heart, her desire to help others. These things only enhanced her stunning outward beauty. She must have felt him watching, because her eyes caught his and her lips lifted in a slow smile, until it was the kind of smile he could not remember her smiling for him in a very long. A full smile, showing the row of her beautiful, straight, white teeth. The smile he loved. A complete smile...for him.

"Elliot, would you mind pouring some more wine for everyone? Our glasses are almost empty." Kathy was holding up her wine glass as she glanced over at him.

"Sure." He got up and found the wine bottle, filling first Kathy's glass, then Dean's. When Olivia offered her glass up, he reached to steady it, his fingers overlapping hers. His gaze held hers as he poured the wine. There was no mistaking the emotion in that gaze. It was just a few seconds that their fingers touched, just a few seconds that their eyes locked. But it was more than enough time for Dean to notice and more than enough time to reinforce his determination to find out about the case from last night. He looked over at Kathy, who had a frown of puzzlement on her face, and realized she had noticed, too.

"So, Elliot...when did you find time to hang all the Christmas lights outside?" Olivia asked, trying to break the awkwardness that suddenly seem to fill the room.

"Oh, I..." He began, but was interrupted by Kathy.

"He didn't put them up. He's never home. You should know that." The tone in her voice and the look on her face told Olivia that her last statement had underlying meaning. "Dickie and some of his friends put the lights up."

"Oh. Well...they are quite festive. Tell Dickie I said he did a good job on them." She took a big swallow of wine. Sometimes being a detective had a downside. You always knew what people really meant, no matter what they said.

Olivia moved to sit on the love seat by Dean because she was getting too warm near the fire. Or it may have been the wine, or Kathy's lightly cloaked accusation, or Elliot's touch, but whatever it was she need some relief. Dean stretched his arm over the cushion behind her, letting his hand barely rest on her shoulder. He kissed her quickly on her temple.

Elliot gripped his wine glass tighter and tried to take a deep breath. He closed his eyes and leaned back on the couch for a minute. The thought of Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI, touching Olivia was enough to cause him to teeter on the edge of insanity, but watching him touch her and kiss her right here in his own living room...well, it was going to push him over that edge.

Olivia pulled the sleeves of her sweater half way up to her elbows and as the cooler air hit her arms, she sighed in relief. She set her wine glass on the end table to her left, putting her right hand on Dean's thigh and her left one resting on the cushion of the love seat. Seconds later, she felt Dean sit up quickly, taking her right wrist in his hands.

"Olivia? What happened to your wrists?" Reaching for her wrists, his voice was full of concern as he gently turned them over, taking in the stain of purple, green and black that surrounded her wrists and extended to her forearms in a couple of places.

Elliot opened his eyes and sat up, looking at them. She tried to pull away, pull her sleeves back down to cover them, but his grip was firm. "It's nothing." Her heart clenching with fear at the thought of Elliot's reaction when he realized what he had done, began to pound so hard, she was afraid Dean would hear it.

From the corner of her eye, she knew Elliot and Kathy were intently watching them, as Dean surveyed the injuries she had unwittingly uncovered. Kathy was curious as to how she got them, but figured it must have been in the line of duty.

"Those are the imprints of someone's fingers. Who did this, Olivia? What happened?" Fury replaced the concern on his face and in his voice, as he demanded an answer.

"It was nothing." She tried to sound assuring, but failed, as she finally pulled away and put her sleeves back over the only tangible evidence of Elliot's meltdown yesterday. All the other evidence was hidden deep within her psyche, silently inflicting wounds upon her.

When she looked at Kathy, she smiled slightly at Olivia, as if she were sorry something so bad had happened that she did not want to or could not talk about. That bothered her for some reason. But when she looked at Elliot, she saw his face was not only absent of any blood flow, it was completely ashen. The alarm that rose up within her at his appearance, was immediate and brought with it an unyielding terror to her heart.

In the instant it took for Elliot to realize those were his fingers imprinted upon Olivia's wrist, all the emotions that he had held within him for so long, some maybe as long as eight years, violently collided with one another. All the anguish, rage, desire, confusion, all the despair, jealousy, love and guilt...especially the guilt that he had put those marks, those bruises, those purple stains on Olivia...all of these emotions collided with such a force within him he could no longer overcome them, tame them or hold them at bay.

He realized his struggle was over, the battle lost. It was as though his body had ceased to remember its function. His lungs would or could not breathe, take in the air necessary sustain his life. Instead of circulating in his body, his blood had all rushed to his head, threatening to make him pass out from dizziness. His eyes would not focus as his vision blurred and walls of black began their slow descent upon him. Lastly, the pain he had held in his heart for so long, burst forth with unmitigated violence from it's tightly held confines, sending sharp, piercing daggers throughout his chest. The pain was crushing, unbearable, excruciating. As he gripped his chest and fell to the floor, his last conscious thought was that he deserved this punishment his body was exacting upon him. He deserved it. It was his just reward.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _OMGoodness!! Is this the end for Elliot? The author knows...but she determined to maintain her secret...until the next chapter anyway! Please let me know what you think...your favorite parts, what you didn't like (Her left eyebrow cocked. "There's a part you don't like?"), etc. I do appreciate the pointers and the fantastic reviews!! Hope you all had a Merry CHRISTmas!! " ) Bensler_

bloodymary 24: _The reason all the chapter names start with 'R'... there is an author that I like...cannot remember her name...but all of her books do this and I thought it was kind of neat. Also SVU always names their episodes with one word that is mentioned somewhere in the story dialogue._


	15. Rhythm

**Chapter 15 - Rhythm**

Elliot's body fell partly across Kathy's leg on its way to the floor. She screamed out "Elliot!" as she grabbed for him, trying to catch him. He had landed on his right side. His wine glass near his hand, the wine spilled onto the couch and carpet. Dean jumped up and ran to him, but Olivia was already there. The room became the epitome of chaos until Olivia took control.

She had seen him clutch at his chest, seconds before he collapsed, and she was kneeling at his side, before his body even straightened out on the floor. She pushed him over onto his back.

"Call 911!! From the house phone!! Tell them officer down! Give his badge number!" She shouted. She felt as though she were watching someone else help him. Heard someone else's voice shouting commands that she was not aware of voicing.

Kathy was at his head, patting his face and trying to get him to talk. "Elliot, Elliot? Can you hear me? El, say something! Please, Elliot!"

Grabbing Elliot's wrist, Olivia checked for a pulse and at the same time she put her ear on his chest to listen for his heartbeat. Surprisingly, it seemed strong. She really thought he was having a heart attack. "His pulse is weak and erratic, but the heartbeat seems strong and steady."

Kathy threw her hand to her mouth. "Oh, my God...do you think it is a heart attack? I told you I was worried about him." She was still at Elliot's head saying all these things. "I told you how he was that night at Carmine's. I should have made him go to a doctor...I should have..." She was on the edge of hysteria.

"Kathy! Calm down or I am going to have to ask you to leave the room. He may be able to hear you and that will only worsen the situation." Olivia's voice was firm and Kathy knew she meant what she said. Good grief. She's a nurse and acting like this?

Dean was already on the phone with 911. He stretched the cord from the kitchen phone almost into the living room. "They want his badge number, Kathy!" He hollered.

"It's...it's...I..." She could not think.

"6313! NYPD!" Hollered Olivia. She wondered if Kathy even knew his badge number.

She began to unbutton his shirt, pulling it from the front of his pants to help cool him down. Sweat was rolling off of him like rain from a roof. His wife beater was soaked and his shirt was already showing darker spots where it had soaked into that material as well. His skin was clammy and she had never seen anyone so pale. At lease not anyone alive. She listened to his heart again. It was still strong and steady.

Dean came back into the living room. "They're on the way. Should only be a couple of minutes, they said." He was amazed at Olivia and her control of the situation as well as of her emotions. He knew she had to be a mess inside. This was her partner. Her best friend.

"Okay. Okay." She sat back on her legs, her knees bent and ran her hands through her hair. "Uh...Kathy, turn on all the outside lights you have and leave the front door open. Turn on the hall light as well. Then get me a wet cloth or towel and a bottle or glass of water." Kathy took off for the kitchen.

"Dean, help me get him to a half-sitting position." It was not easy to do. He was a big man and passed out, he was dead weight. No. No. She was not going to think about that, about dead and Elliot in the same thought or sentence. It took some effort, but they finally got him sitting like Liv wanted.

"Shouldn't we do CPR or something?" Dean looked extremely upset, running his hands through his hair.

"No. Not when he has a strong, steady heartbeat." Olivia leaned over to pull on Elliot.

Kathy was back in less than a minute with the water and dampened towel. She, too, was amazed at how Olivia had taken over the situation and seemed so calm. Eerily calm. She imagined that was how she was after the accident. Calm, self-confident, assured. For the first time in over eight years, she was glad Olivia was Elliot's partner, the one to have his back.

"Why are we sitting him up?" Dean asked, as he helped pull Elliot up.

"If he is having a heart attack, his breathing may be compromised. You never lay someone down if you even think they are having breathing issues." She explained, her voice calm. That calmness belied the utter terror that engulfed every fiber of her being. Don't they teach FBI agents basic first aid, she wondered?

"I've never heard that before. So...you do think it's a heart attack..." Kathy whispered.

"Kathy, I d-don't know...just want to cover all the bases...calm down. He's going to be fine." And nurses? Nurses should definitely know all this stuff.

"You don't know that..." She trailed off.

"Yes. Yes, I do." She spoke sternly, looking at Kathy. I feel it inside. He will be fine because he has to be fine. He has to be. He can not leave me. Not like this. Not with so many unsaid things between us. Not when we are like we are right now. Unsettled. Not when I have never told him that I l-lo...

She turned to Dean. "Get one of the seat cushions from the couch for him to lean back on." She reached for a throw blanket on the recliner, rolled it up and put it under his knees, keeping his legs up and bent at the knees.

"Here. Tell me what to do." Dean was holding one of the cushions.

"I'll pull him forward a bit and then you slip the cushion behind him. It will help support his back." She already had her arms around Elliot's shoulders, trying to lean him forward. His cologne filled each breath she took. She closed her eyes for just a second, inhaling his scent. His cologne. His soap. Him.

Dean carefully pushed the cushion between Elliot and the couch and helped Liv lean him back on it. For the third time, she listened to his heart. Liv then took the towel and began to bathe Elliot's face, neck and chest where it was exposed from the wife beater. Come on, Stabler. Hang in there. Do not do this to me. You hear me? Do not die on me! Not now. Not ever! In the distance she heard the most beautiful sound she believed she had ever heard in all of her life...sirens.

- - - - - - - - -

The EMTs told Liv she had done everything right in her care of Elliot. Within minutes they had assessed him, hooked him up to an IV to keep him hydrated, an oxygen mask around his face helping him breathe and strapped him to a gurney. He still showed no signs of regaining consciousness. It had only been 19 minutes since he collapsed, but to Olivia it seemed as though hours had passed.

"Where are you taking him?" Olivia did not want to be away from him for a second but knew she was not the one entitled to ride in that ambulance.

"Mount Sinai over on 30th Avenue."

Kathy climbed into the back of the ambulance to ride with him."Could you call Maureen? She'll let the others know."

"Sure. I...we could go pick them up and bring them to the hospital...you know they are going to want to be there with their dad...and shouldn't be driving when they are upset..." How desperately she wanted to climb in and ride in that ambulance, too.

"I'll leave that up to you...just let them know." The driver closed the doors and within seconds the shrill sound of the siren split the night as it rushed down the streets of Elliot's neighborhood.

The small group of neighbors that had gathered, quietly dispersed and went back to their homes. Dean went inside to get their coats and make sure the fire was safe to leave. He checked the back door lock, blew out all the candles and turned off all the lights except for the one over the kitchen sink and the front porch light. Locking the front door, he stepped onto the porch to find Liv still standing on the sidewalk where she had been when the ambulance took Elliot away.

He went to her, placing her coat around her shoulders. "You okay?" He asked gently, his hands lightly squeezing her shoulders.

She shook her head back and forth. "No." She whispered and before he could say or do anything else, she turned and fell sobbing into his arms. She didn't know how long they stood there, her crying and him running his hands through her hair and up and down her back trying to soothe her. But, he was patient.

He let her cry it all out and when she finally calmed down, he was the first to speak again. "Do you want me to call Maureen."

"No, I can do it." She sniffled, wiped her face with her hands, pulled out her cell phone, found the number and hit send.

Maureen was insistent that she could drive. She was going to leave Lizzie with E.J., it would be too much to handle a baby and Lizzie with the broken leg, and pick up Kathleen and Dickie on her way. That taken care of, Dean led Liv to his truck and they sped off for the hospital.

Twelve minutes later they were in the ER. Dean went to the information desk and asked for Elliot Stabler. They were shown to a waiting room and told that someone would come out to talk to them soon. Three minutes into their wait, Olivia had enough. She pulled out her badge and showed it to the girl at the nurses station and demanded that she be able to see her partner. Now. The girl disappeared down the hall. Dean tried to get her to sit down, calm down and just wait. She could not sit. Not while Elliot was back there and she had no idea what was going on or how he was doing. He needed her back there. She knew it. Felt it. And she sure needed to be back there with him. She paced up and down the hallway, alternately running her hands through her hair and rubbing them over and over each other. Minutes later the girl reappeared with another nurse and came toward Olivia.

"Detective Benson?" She was smiling.

"Yes. Can I see my partner?" She was so tense that tightness in her stomach had her wanting to find a trash can again, just in case.

"Of course. His wife is with him and she said to show you back. That you were the one who administered first aid."

"Yea. Okay. How is he? Do they know what is wrong with him yet? Is it a heart attack? What kind of doctor is seeing him? Is it a specialist? How is his breathing? Has he regained consciousness? Will he be okay?"

She heard herself was rattling on like a crazed person, but she could not help it. That calm facade that permeated the immediate crisis was just that...a facade and it was gone. Over. She was now on the brink of her own crisis if they did not let her see Elliot soon.

Dean stood to the side watching. He knew she should be upset because, after all, Stabler has been her partner and friend for over eight years. But there was something else, too. He just could not put his finger on what it was that made him think there was more here than met the eye.

The nurse placed a hand on Olivia's arm and patted it. "He is in no danger. He's resting." She led her back to Elliot. Dean followed closely behind.

Kathy was sitting in a chair by his bed, holding his hand. The faint beep of the heart monitor, the hiss of oxygen and intermittent filling and releasing of air from the blood pressure cuff around his right arm, echoed in the small room. He was still out, but some color had returned to his face. His shirt and wife beater were gone and his shoes and socks were on the floor by Kathy's chair. There were patches with electrodes running from them all over his chest and stomach, one on his right arm and one on each leg. A sensor around his left index finger monitored the oxygen in his blood. The I.V. the EMTs started was still flowing into his left arm. If not for the machines he was now hooked up to, he would look like he was only sleeping, not going through a possible medical crisis.

"How is he? Has a doctor seen him?" Olivia could not tear her eyes away from Elliot to look at Kathy. She blinked back tears. Dean stood behind her with his hand on her shoulder.

"Stable. The doctor said he didn't appear to be in any danger for now. Heartbeat is steady, strong. The EKG looked good. They took blood to check for enzymes that are present if there has been a heart attack...haven't heard from that. Blood pressure is a little elevated, but that is normal after something like this. They are going to do a nuclear scan to check for any possible heart damage or problem." Her face held not so much a worried look, as a sad one.

"Maureen is bringing Kathleen and Dickie...Lizzie stayed with E.J."

"Thanks for calling her. And thank you for taking care of Elliot."

"Elliot Stabler?" A technician stood in the doorway. "Hi. My name is Jake and I'm here to take him for the nuclear scan." He started unhooking him from the heart monitor, but left the I.V. and oxygen. He unlocked the bed and started rolling him out. "You'll have to stay here but I'll have him back in about thirty minutes. Good time for you to get a cup of coffee, make some calls."

They all walked down the hall with him until the tech turned one way and pointed to the waiting room the opposite way, indicating they should go there. "A doctor or nurse will come get you when he's back in the room."

- - - - - - - - - -

The waiting room was filled almost to its capacity. There were at least two other families, a couple, and a two people who appeared to be alone. Three of the Stabler kids were there now, with Kathy, Olivia, Dean, Casey and Cragen. Olivia had called the Captain while they were on their way to the ER and Casey and Fin once they settled in the waiting room just over a half hour ago. Fin was on his way. He had called Munch but it kept going straight to voice mail, so he finally left a message.

"Its been longer than thirty minutes." Olivia pointed out. She had been sitting up until ten minutes ago but had resumed her pacing ritual.

Maureen watched Olivia closely, taking in her every action, the way she kept pacing, running her hands through her hair, or down her face; how she would sigh deeply, roll her head from side to side in hopes of relieving the tension; how her hands played with her watch or her thumbs would flick the nail on each finger over and over; the worry and fear was evident in her eyes along with something else; something she had recognized years ago but had only recently been able to name.

"Sometimes tests like this just take a bit longer than expected." Kathy replied.

"Does that mean they found something bad, Mom?" Kathleen worried.

"Not necessarily. Could be a problem with the equipment or the tech is late or..."

"Stabler family?" A voice called out. It was a doctor.

"Yes. I'm Kathy Stabler." Kathy stood up and he started toward her as the others gathered around her.

"I'm Dr. Schwartz." Shaking hands with everyone, he looked around the group. "From all initial indications, Mr. Stabler's heart appears to be healthy. Blood work did not indicate enzymes that are present when a heart attack has occurred. The scan revealed no blockages and no damage to the heart. My guess is this episode was most likely stress induced. I am keeping him overnight for observation. Perhaps longer if I feel that is necessary as we progress."

Olivia closed her eyes as her knees went weak with relief and she felt herself fall back slightly into Captain Cragen who held her until she was able to steady herself again. Dean was right beside her, noticed what had happened and pulled her closer to him.

"Oh, thank God! Is he still unconscious?" Kathy asked.

"Yes. But he was beginning to stir, somewhat, so he should be waking up soon."

"What made him pass out if he didn't have a heart attack?" Olivia wanted to know.

"It is a defense mechanism of sorts. Mental and emotional despair, anger, fear, etcetera, can exact such stress that a heart attack can occur in an otherwise healthy person. By shutting down the breathing, blood flow and to some degree the heart rate, the body causes unconsciousness so that the mind is unaware of the stress factors. This provides time for the body to get it's rhythm back in sync and hopefully avoid a full-blown heart attack. Do you know of anything out of the ordinary he had been experiencing that could have triggered this episode?" Dr. Schwartz explained.

"Well, I was in an accident a few weeks ago and it caused me to go into early labor..." Kathy trailed off, thinking about something she did not want to think about. There is something at work, with his partner but I am not sure about that.

"He's an SVU detective and the job can be very stressful emotionally and physically." Olivia added.

Dr. Schwartz, had one arm folded across his chest, propping the other on it as he extend it to place his chin in his hand. "I see. That may very well be the cause. We are going to keep a close eye on him tonight."

"Can we see him?" Maureen asked, glancing from her Mom to Olivia to the doctor.

"Yes, but I am going to limit it to one visitor at a time in order to keep his stress level as low as possible. No loud talking, emotional outbursts, nothing to upset him, okay? When he is settled in the room, I'll send a someone for you."

Fin arrived, with Munch trailing just behind him. They had coffee for the adults and sodas for the kids and a bag of candy bars, crackers and cookies.

Five minutes later a nurse was back for the Stabler family. Kathy jumped up and went to her. "Can I see my husband now?"

"Of course. He is not fully awake yet, but he has been calling your name." The nurse smiled at her.

Liv felt her stomach tighten and a sharp pain of her own shoot through her heart. He was asking for Kathy. After all of this, all that has been between them, his proclamations, his jealousy, his tears, his actions, it all came back to this. His wife. Kathy. He wanted his wife. He asked for Kathy. Olivia had no place in this. No place in his life. No place in this world. His world. She was just his partner.

As they turned to go to Elliot's room the nurse told Kathy, "My grandmother's name was Olivia. Such a beautiful name. You don't hear it much anymore."

Kathy froze in her steps and the look of puzzlement on her face caused the nurse to offer further explanation. "Olivia is your full name, right? I mean, I assumed since he is mumbling 'Liv', that your name must be Olivia..."

All eyes turned to Olivia, as she felt the heat rush to her face. She wished the floor would open up and swallow her. Her eyes were wide with horror and her mouth fell open to speak, but there were no words. No words from her and no words from anyone else. Just the sound of shocked silence settling among them.

Kathy at last found it in her to speak. "Olivia is his partner." She spoke the words slowly.

The nurse was confused. "Oh, I thought you said you were his wife...that he was married..."

"I am his wife. She is his partner." She pointed to Olivia. "They're detectives with the NYPD."

"Oh. I see. Well...only one of you can...uh...came back at a time. I'll leave that choice up to you." She waited for them to decide, clearly uncomfortable with the entire situation.

The silence was deafening. No one moved. No one breathed. Kathy looked at Olivia, more with disbelief and resignation than anger. "Go. He's asking for you."

"No. Uh...Kathy, you go." She ran her hands through her hair, shaking her head. "He's not fully aware yet...he...he probably thinks he was...was injured in the line of duty and is..is worried what might have happened to me...that's all...just watching my back. You go. You're his wife." Her breathing was difficult and her heart racing. She desperately needed some air!

Dean had his arm around her waist, but was looking down at the floor. He could not believe this exchange was taking place. He could not believe Elliot was asking for Liv over his wife. Though he was upset by it, he wished there was something he could do to help Olivia because he knew she was embarrassed and very uncomfortable and he hated it for her.

Kathy and Olivia stood, eyes locked, for what seemed like an eternity, before Kathy whirled on her heels and went with the nurse.

Liv let out a deep breath. "I'm going outside. I need some air." She whispered to Dean, as she started to leave.

"I'll go with you." He said, picking up his coat.

"No. No, I just...no.." She held her hands us as her eyes begged him to understand. She left the waiting room not even thinking about getting her coat.

- - - - - - - - - -

The night air felt good. She gulped it in, letting it burn her lungs with it's coldness, cool her body and clear her head. How would she ever live this down? Her partner mumbling her name instead of his wife's...and just moments before she was bemoaning that fact that he was asking for Kathy instead of her. How screwed up is her life!? And his kids and her colleagues and Dean all heard what that nurse said...she was beginning to wish she were anywhere but here, anyone but Olivia Benson. Maybe she could go undercover permanently and be Rachel Martin, the glamourous single lady. Heck, even Persephone James' life of living in the woods, hugging trees, drinking goat's milk and eating tofu sounded like a better life than her present one. She was almost surely going to have to talk to Don, now. The strain of her and Elliot's increasingly strained working and personal relationship was becoming more than she could handle. If she continued on this path, she would end up in the same position as Elliot.

Ten minutes later, she heard someone coming up behind her. She did not want to look, but being a cop it was against her nature to allow someone to approach from behind, outside in the dark, unchallenged. She looked over her shoulder to see Captain Cragen.

"Olivia, you all right?" His voice was quiet, but she heard the concern.

She waited several long seconds to answer. "Not really." She answered honestly, facing forward once again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice let her know he was there if she needed him, but understood if she did not want to talk.

"As detective to captain or as friend to friend?" She asked, still facing away from him. She watched as each word sent out a puff of smoke made from the warmth of her breath hitting the chill of the night.

"How about as daughter to father?" She could hear the smile, the care in his voice. She knew he loved her like a daughter.

When she turned to face him, tears were already forming in her eyes. He enveloped her in a warm, fatherly hug. "I've been so worried about you these last few weeks."

The words were all she needed to unleash the pent up emotions of the evening, of the past eight years, once again. He held her, stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head and murmuring soothing words to her. Several minutes passed.

"I don't know what to do, Don. I've thought about talking with you but I knew it would complicate things on the job..." She sniffled and wiped her eyes. He handed her a handkerchief. The cold that had felt so good a few minutes ago, now caused her to shiver.

He took off his overcoat and put it around her, pulling her closer to him. "Could things be much more complicated than they have been for the past two and half years, Liv?"

She scoffed as she rolled her eyes then smiled a partial smile. "Well, every time I've thought things couldn't get worse...they did."

He nodded in agreement. "Why don't we try to figure this out...take it apart...do what we can to fix one problem at a time?" He suggested.

"That might work in other situations, but there really is only one problem here. And unless it could be changed, and it can't, none of the surrounding issues will ever be any better." She sighed.

"You and Elliot."

"What am I going to do, Don?" She pleaded with him as if he had the answer.

He sighed, and spoke softly. "How long?"

"How long?" She had no idea what he was asking. "How long what?"

"How long have you been in love with him?" His clear eyes were steady as hers met his gaze.

She stepped away, turning from him as she pulled his coat closer around her body. Biting on her bottom lip, she pondered how to answer him. She started to deny it, but she had already alluded to that possibility a year and half ago. After Gitano, when she had asked for a new partner, he nearly dragged her confession out of her then. She said enough that he had no doubt what she meant, though she never came right out and admitted anything. Casey knows. She did tell her. And after the locker room scene, Fin and Munch know. Oh, what the heck. What's one more person? Especially one she loves and thinks as much of as Don.

Turning, once again, to face him, she answered. "I don't know. I think about it all the time. Try to figure it out. Was it from that very first day when I looked into his eyes and felt this odd sense of completion, like I had known him forever, some unexplainable connection?" She rubbed her hands over her face. "Was it when he put that detail on me and was so angry, I told him it was time for him to get a new partner, but later I could see he did it because he cared about me? Was it when he was shot in the courtroom and I realized he could have died? And I knew in that moment I could not live without him? I don't know. I just don't know. It's like one day I woke and realized it but knew there was nothing I could do about it, so I kept denying it, pushing all the feelings down inside. After Gitano, it was obvious that we both felt something we shouldn't and were having trouble suppressing it any longer...you know that was why I wanted out."

Casey called out, interrupting their discussion. "Liv? Elliot is awake and keeps asking for you. Kathy sent me to find you..." She stood at the entrance of the hospital, holding the door open,.

Glancing over her shoulder at Casey and then back to Don, the stricken look on her face, tore at his heart. "You know you are going to have to go back in there."

"I..I can't." She whispered to him. If that tightness in her stomach tightened much more, she was going to lose it her dinner.

"We'll finish this later, Olivia, but right now..." He took her arm and led her past Casey and back to the waiting room.

- - - - - - - - - -

Dean stood and went to her as Olivia, Don and Casey came through the door. He hugged her quickly but said nothing. She tried to smile but doubted she did.

Kathy came to stand in front of her. Her eyes searched Olivia's, as though looking for something she was unsure she would find. Or perhaps hoping she would not find. Olivia started to speak, but Kathy cut her off by raising her hand as if to say 'stop'. "The kids have seen him. Maureen took them home with her. All the others have seen him. He keeps asking where you are. Go to him."

Olivia held her gaze for just another second, barely nodded as she ducked her head slightly, glanced at the others and headed down the hallway to Elliot.

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_I am posting this a bit earlier tonight as I have GOT to go to bed early tonight. Going out of town tomorrow. The reviews are great and I appreciate them. Keep 'em coming, please!_

_bloodymary 2: I should let you write my summaries. I love this: _So, what is going to happen now? Will Kathy finally clue in (she is already suspicious, but is obviously refusing to see the truth) on the real tension between Olivia and her husband? Will Porter connect the dots? Will this bring these two complicated partners together at long last? ...

_i-love-benson: Dean's GOTTA kiss Liv...gotta keep Elliot going nuts!_

_LivNel4ever and mia66: The kitchen scene...it is a bit out of character...for both of them...the thing is they have been fighting 'this whatever it is between them' for probably the entire 8 ½ years and it is finally becoming too much. When the pressure has been on for as long as they have been dealing with it, the whole point is that you DO begin to do things you would never dream of doing!! It just sort of happened because he was going to thank her for CYA-ing for him, but then it snow-balled. Ain't it FUN!!??_


	16. Rest

**Chapter 16 - Rest**

The door was slightly ajar and she stood before it, taking several deep breaths. Heart racing, hands shaking, stomach tightening, she pushed it open. It creaked just enough that Elliot looked up and watched as she came into the room. He could not help but notice her make-up was smeared a bit around her eyes, from crying he was sure. Her hair was messy and she was pale and seemed exhausted, but that could not hide her beauty. He was so relieved to see her.

Olivia saw that he was now wearing a standard issue hospital gown. She thought he looked great even in that. She thought he'd look good to her in any thing right now simply because he was alive and looked alive. The relief that flooded through her caused her knees to suddenly go weak, making her reach for the foot of his bed in order to steady herself.

Their eyes found each other and began one of their silent conversations. You're okay...thank God, you're okay... _Yea, glad you were there. Thanks._ If something had happened to you... _Nothing happened, not really. _I was so afraid that you were going to... _Well, I didn't. _I don't know what I would do without you_. I'm right here. You don't have to find out. _You know that I lo... _Yea. Yea, I do know, because I lo..._

"Hey." Elliot's face broke into a grin as he spoke first.

"Hey, yourself. How you feelin'" She smiled back, a little.

"Like I was hit by a Mack truck." He leaned his head back on the pillow and then lifted it again.

"That good, huh?" She joked, rolling her eyes at him.

"Where'd you go? I kept asking for you..." His eyes took her in from head to toe and came back to her eyes. He was biting the inside of his cheek.

"Uh...getting some...uh..uh..fresh air." She stammered.

"Must have needed a lot...took a long time for you to come." His face and tone were serious now.

Having no answer, she raised her eyebrows as she shrugged her shoulders.

He motioned for her to come closer. She went and stood by the bed and he reached for her hand. At his touch, every emotion she had held back for the last two and half hours found its release.

She started to sob just as he pulled her down to him. "You scared the hell out me, Elliot! Out of all of us!!"

She wrapped one arm around him, her hand holding onto his neck, as best she could with all the wires and things as she half-way sat and half-lay on the bed. Her other hand caressed his face, wiping at the tears she felt on his cheek. Just a hint of his cologne remained and she breathed it in, grateful that she could feel the warmth of his body against her and he was going to be fine. He had one hand on the back of her head, smoothing her hair and the other around her back sliding his hand up and down. His lips were at her neck, her ear. She wanted to just lie down beside him and fall asleep in his arms. She was so tired. And so tired of fighting this thing between them. She wanted to give in to it. But she knew she could not.

"Shhh, shhh. Babe, I'm okay. I'm here. Nothing happened to me. Its okay, Liv. I'm fine." The scent of her shampoo mingled with her perfume, filled every breath he took. She felt so good in his arms, he wished he never had to let her go. He held her this way for several minutes, holding her, memorizing the feel of her in his arms.

"I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so, so sorry." His own tears were falling with hers.

Sniffling and brushing away tears that still fell from her eyes, she pulled away from him so she could see his face. "You couldn't help what happened, El. What are you sorry about?"

He took her right wrist in his hand and pulled up the sleeve. "This. These bruises, these marks that my hands left on you. Oh, Liv, I never meant to hurt you...I never...I didn't know what I was doing...I was just...so...angry...so jealous..."

He was still crying as he began placing small kisses all around her wrist, all over the bruises. In between the kisses he kept whispering 'I'm sorry'. When he was done, he released that wrist, took the other and lavished the same upon it. Her sobs choked in her throat.

Just then the nurse came in causing Olivia to jump up from the bed, wiping her tears with her hands and straightening her clothing.

"We have a room for you now, Mr. Stabler." She smiled at them though she was certainly puzzled over this apparent emotional scene she had interrupted. Wife? Partner? Whatever.

The nurse began readying Elliot for his move by unhooking some of the machinery, putting his shoes and clothing in a bag that she set on the end of his bed and handing him the cup of ice chips they had allowed him to have.

Olivia follow them out and just before they got to the hallway where they would pass by the waiting room, Elliot called to her.

"Liv?" The nurse stopped and Olivia came around to him. He pulled her close to him and whispered. "We are going to have to talk." He let go of her.

As they passed the waiting room, the nurse peeked in and told Kathy to come with them. She said her goodbyes to Dean and Cragen who were the only ones still there. She and Olivia just stared at each other as she passed her and went to Elliot.

"Dean and I are going to head out. Please keep us posted." Olivia said.

"I'm sure you will know what is going on, Olivia." She said cooly and turned to go with her husband. No missing that secret meaning. Olivia knew Kathy meant she was sure Elliot would contact her.

Dean handed Olivia her coat as they left.

- - - - - - - - - - -

The ride home was seemed much longer than the thirty minutes it had taken them to get to the Stablers even though the hospital was about ten minutes closer to Olivia's apartment.

About half-way there, Dean finally spoke. "Wow. Some dinner, huh?"

"This is nothing to joke about, Dean." She huffed.

"I didn't mean to sound like it was. I just meant this was a bit more than we bargained for when we came for dinner, right?" He looked at her and smiled softly.

"Yea." She was staring out her window and wished he would just quit talking.

"I'm glad it wasn't anything more serious..." He offered.

"Me, too." A deep sigh escaped involuntarily as she leaned her head on the headrest and closed her eyes. He did not asked any more questions, though she knew he would at some point.

It seemed a lifetime ago, but in reality it had only been two hours and forty minutes, since Elliot had collapsed just before nine o'clock. It was now 11:40 p.m. She could not believe all the things that had happened tonight. Elliot's touch when he took her coat, seeing Kathleen and Dickie, kicking Elliot under the table, covering for him about where ever he was last night, his body so near yet so far from hers in the kitchen when he tried yet again to get her to say she felt whatever this was between them. Then the sight of Elliot clutching his chest and falling. She felt tears coming to her eyes and ordered them back because she had cried more in the last three weeks than she had in the last ten years! And she did not want Dean asking any more questions than she knew he already had in mind.

Dean pulled up in front of her building, got out and went to her side to open the door and help her out. Not that she needed help getting out of the truck...he was just being a gentleman. Any other time she would have been pleased, but tonight it just made her think of Elliot because he was always a gentleman. When they first partnered, she was not used to being treated like he treated her. It took him several months of pointing out to her she should wait until he got a door for her, or pull her chair out to seat her at a table and a lot of other things that ladies expected of gentlemen. She had always been alone and done for herself. Never had a father to show her how a lady should be treated. This was new to her but she finally got used to, liked it and now expected it from all men.

He walked her up the stoop and took both of her hands in his. "Elliot will be fine. I know it. Let me know if you hear anything tomorrow, okay. You must be exhausted, so I'm going to head on and let you get some rest." He hugged her and kissed her lightly on the lips, then turned to go.

"Dean. Thank you. For everything."

He looked back at her, smiled and nodded.

He was opening the door to his truck when she hollered. "We're still on for the Christmas party, Saturday, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it! I'll call you when I get back in town!" He waved, jumped in the truck and was gone.

NYPD always had a Christmas party the Saturday before Christmas and Olvia had invited Dean a week ago. She could only think of two other times she had taken a real date to it in nine years. Usually, the squad kind of went together because, actually, it was rare that any of them ever had a date. The nature of their job, for the most part, precluded a social life. She and Elliot went together the last two years while he and Kathy were separated. Well, this year she had a real date again. She had been excited when she asked him and he accepted, now she was not so sure about it.

- - - - - - - - - -

Once inside her apartment, she opted for a hot bath rather than a shower so she could just soak. The water was so hot it had turned her body a bright pink. But it felt so good. Reflecting on the events of the evening, her mind flitted from one thing to another, disorganized, chaotic ramblings. She was worried about him, but the doctor assured them his heart was fine. She wanted to throw up when she remembered the terror that gripped her when she saw him grab his chest and fall.

She wanted to scream at him how could he have demanded to know if she had slept with Porter? He had no right to know and certainly no right to ask. She wished he were here right now, because she would remind him again he was with Kathy. Kathy. How would she ever face her again? He had called for her over Kathy. This was so bad. And the way she trembled when he had her trapped at the kitchen sink, that was bad, too. She didn't want to respond to him but her body betrayed her. With his arms around her, his breath hot in her ear, his fingers fire when he brushed the hair from neck just before his lips took their place, teasing her, making her go crazy, she was helpless. Who the hell did he think he was!? If he were here, right after she reminded him he went back to Kathy, she would smack him, too!

How could even come near her after the way he had been in the locker room. She thought he was going to hit her. And then he comes to her and dares to touch her, kiss her like that in the kitchen!! His kitchen. Kathy's kitchen. In their own home with his wife there. Her date there. Was there some kind of twisted rush he got from doing those things knowing they risked being caught? He did not want her dating Porter. Or anyone. Yet he was married. What made him think he had the right to make her life miserable with his jealous demands.

And that is what he did. He made her life miserable. She could not have him. He could not have her and he was bound and determined to jam things up for her so no one else could have her either! But she let him do it, didn't she? No. She did not let him, because she had no control. He had taken her control. She did not give. He took. She did not offer. He demanded. She no longer knew where she ended and he began. In every way that mattered, she was his. The only way she would ever be her own person again would be through the separation of death. Hers or his. And his would surely be hers as well. She had realized that a long time ago. Tonight, she finally admitted it.

- - - - - - - - -

Elliot was released from the hospital the next afternoon, Wednesday. He was to take the remainder of that day and Thursday to rest, but could return to work Friday, December 21, on desk duty for one week. He had an appointment next Wednesday to be checked out and if all was well he would be able to return to full duty.

Fin had called his cell early Wednesday morning and Kathy answered, giving him an update. Liv did not go by or call to check on him nor she did not hear from him Wednesday or Thursday. She was afraid Kathy would answer his cell like she did when Fin called, so there was no way she would take a chance on that happening. After the situation at the hospital when Elliot was asking for her over Kathy, she could not bring herself to be put in a position to have to see or talk to Kathy, right now. Or ever again, she thought. She wondered if Kathy had said anything to Elliot about it. She knew he could not know he was calling for her instead of his wife when he was out of it. She doubted anyone would have told him either. Unless one of the kids slipped up or Kathleen was mad enough to tell him. Or Kathy. She needed to see him or at least hear his voice so she would know for herself that he really was doing fine.

Dean had called her both days and asked about him. They still had not really talked about Tuesday evening, since he was TDY in Washington D.C., but she knew he would not let it pass. He would insist on them talking about it and she dreaded it. He would be home Saturday afternoon, in time to get ready for the NYPD Christmas party. Cragen filled everyone in on Elliot's progress Thursday, but she still wished she could at least talk to him.

- - - - - - - - -

The doctor told him to try not to get worked up over anything, to avoid stress. He was suppose to be resting at home. He had just had a near heart attack from stress and here Kathy was totally stressing him out. This was the third time since he came home yesterday afternoon, that Kathy was interrogating him about calling for Liv instead of her and demanding to know what exactly was going on with them and where he was Monday night.

"Do you have any idea how humiliated I was? My husband calling for another woman while he was semi-conscious!" She was not screaming, but she was talking pretty loud.

Elliot was sitting at the breakfast table eating a sandwich when she started in on him. "Kathy, I told you. I'm sorry. We have already talked about this. It was probably because she was the one that was trying to help me when I passed out...you know...just a subconscious thing."

"Elliot, I am not stupid and I would appreciate you at least giving me a little credit." She was leaning by the kitchen sink, arms folded.

"Look, I was unconscious. How can you hold me accountable for anything I said?" Throwing the last bite of his sandwich down, he pushed back from the table.

"The unconscious mind does not lie, that's how!" She snapped back.

"I must have thought something happened in the line of duty...you know, that Liv and I were chasing a perp and got shot at...or..." He was trying to be calm. He really was.

"How ironic. That is exactly what she said you must be doing. What? Have the two of you thought of everything that could possibly happen and come up with a story to cover your butts? You have had almost nine years to perfect them." She rolled her eyes and tapped her foot.

"No, we did not think this up. Maybe I was just thinking about my partner and her safety...I don't know..." This was a nightmare, right? Could someone please just wake him up?

"Oh, you were thinking about your partner, all right. But I doubt it had anything to do with safety! Unless it was safe sex!! Oh, excuse me...what am I thinking! That would be a first! You are not very good at safe sex, are you, Elliot?" Her voice was becoming louder, angrier.

Her mocking words only fueled the rising anger he was trying so hard to restrain. He spoke through clenched teeth. "Olivia and I have never had sex with each other. We have never crossed any line like that. Never."

"Well, we all know exactly what that means, thanks to former President Clinton!!" Sarcasm laced her words.

Rising from the chair, he walked across the kitchen to stand a couple of feet from her. "Kathy, I have been faithful to you. Even when we were separated for two years, there was no one! No one! I could never go against my faith, the church, against the vows I made to God!"

"Listen to yourself, Elliot. You are more concerned about the church and your religious beliefs than being faithful to me because you love me. Did you say it was because you loved me and I just missed it? What about your vows to me?" Her gaze was steady, full of anger, hurt and sadness.

She had him over a barrel because he was pretty sure he did not go two years without sex because he loved Kathy. It was because of his Catholic upbringing and the fact that he doubted he could survive the guilt if he stepped out on her even during their separation.

He sat back down, put his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead with his fingers. He was going to go nuts. Soon. Very.

"Kathy, I married you. I made vows to you and to God and to the church and I have never broken those vows. Please believe me." He pleaded. He wanted this argument to be over. He wanted to rest, relax.

"Tell me the truth, Elliot. Where were you Monday night?" She demanded.

"I told you, there was a case." He hated lying to her. This one lie that he told so he could talk to Casey has made him lie at least ten times since. He did not want to lie.

"Olivia was covering for you, that was evident. Or was it for the both of you? I could tell even Dean doubted that story about her being sick." Her eyes were narrow slits and her lips a straight line. She was mad.

Olivia was sick alright, trust me. Fin said she even threw up a couple of times. And if you knew what I put her through that afternoon you would understand. She was emotionally sick. If you realized I was the one who put those marks on her wrists you would surely believe that she was sick. A real basket case. Just like me. That's why I was late. I had to talk to someone before I totally went insane. Heck, I already was insane!

"Kathy, Fin came over that night, remember?" He was going to dig the hole deeper if he did not just shut up.

Her laughter was dripping with sarcasm . "You're all buddies down there. For all I know he was just making the cover look good!" She snapped at him.

"Kathy..." He so wanted to end this exchange and go lie down.

"So, how did it 'go down'?" She did the quote signs with her fingers. "Isn't that the term you policemen use? Let's see...Olivia called Dean, said she was sick and could not go his place. Then you called home to tell me there was a case and you would be late. What perfect, believable stories! Or alibis, as you call them. Leaves you free for the evening with your slut of a partner to go and have a..."

Before she could finish the sentence, Elliot had crossed the room again, grabbed her by her upper arms and was in her face. The hardened gaze of his blue eyes, was dark midnight, holding a seething anger bursting to be freed, as it drilled into her.

"Don't you ever call her that again! Do you hear me!?!" He hissed as he shook her. "She is not like that!! We have NEVER been together! NEVER!! And I swear, Kathy, if you ever, ever say anything like about her again, I...I..."

"What, Elliot? What will you do?" She spat the words at him. Her eyes locked with his for a long minute before he suddenly released her, pushing her away from him as he did.

She stormed out of the kitchen and he heard her in the hall getting her coat and keys. The front door slammed, shaking the walls and echoing through the house. A minute later he heard her car crank up and pull out of the driveway.

He leaned over the sink, both hands gripping the counter, almost in the same position he had been two nights ago with Olivia. He laughed out loud at the irony of the situation. How he missed her. He laughed out again. He had just finished fighting with his wife and all he could think about was the other night in the kitchen and that he missed Olivia. If he was going to have a heart attack or go insane, it would be now. He could tell from the exploding pain in his head that his blood pressure was sky high, his heart was pounding so hard he bet you could see it through his chest, muscles and all, he was dizzy and his stomach was churning. With almost no warning, he found himself expelling the chips and partial sandwich he had just eaten.

"Dad?" Maureen stood in the kitchen doorway, her voice soft and full of concern. "Are you all right?" She had spent the last few nights at home to help Kathy with her Dad, Lizzie and E.J.

Elliot only nodded his head, still hanging over the sink. She went to her father, placing one hand on his back, rubbing it in a circular motion, she pulled a paper towel from the rack, dampened it and handed it to him with the other. "You're not getting like you were the other night, are you?"

He could tell from the tone of her voice she was very worried. "I don't think so, baby." He felt really shaky and wanted to just lie down. "Honey, I need to lie down."

She helped him to the sofa, but he sat instead, knowing that she must have heard him and Kathy and would want to talk about it. Maureen was his child who said what she felt, called a spade a spade and seemed to have wisdom beyond her twenty-one years. He didn't have to wait long at all.

"I heard you and Mom fighting." She had taken a seat on the other end of the couch, watching him intently.

"Hmmm. How much did you hear?" He was not going to say anything until he was sure what exactly she had heard.

"All of it." She twirled her hair around her index finger, pausing before continuing.

Not good. "Oh, well, I guess I don't have to tell you about it, then." He tried to smile.

"Why did you call for Liv instead of Mom the other night, Daddy?" Yep. That was Maureen. Direct. To the point.

"You heard about that?" He looked at her, this beautiful young woman who was his daughter.

She looked so much like Kathy when they were dating. Her hair long and blond, the bangs falling over her intense blue eyes. She had his eyes. She was wearing blue jeans with holes in the knees and his old navy blue NYPD sweatshirt she loved. It was huge on her. She may look like Kathy, but she was every bit his child. Same temper, same black and white view of the world. Same passion for life.

"Everyone in the waiting room heard about it." Rolling her eyes, she emphasized 'everyone'.

"Yea. Uh..." He rubbed his face with his hands. "I don't know why...really, I don't." He was too tired to attempt to defend himself and if she heard the whole conversation, she already knew his theories and that Kathy didn't buy into them. Where was Munch when he needed him?

"Why did you and Mom get back together?" Her gaze was unwavering. Bless her, she just did not know when to stop.

"We...uh...I.." He did not want to lie, but neither was he sure he wanted to speak the truth.

"The baby. You wouldn't have come back if not for the baby." These were statements, not questions. Her eyes were steady on him and he thought he saw...compassion? Yes, compassion. She was not angry at him. He was beyond surprised.

He sat for a long time, his eyes taking in the living room of his home. Maureen waited quietly for his response. Finally, he turned to his oldest daughter, his firstborn and told her what she already knew. "No. I would not have come home."

Still twirling her hair, she nodded slowly. "I know you love her, Dad. And I know she feels the same. You gotta tell her before you lose her. Before it's too late."

He could not understand why she was telling him to proclaim his love for her mother when he just told her the only reason he came home was for the baby. The confusion must have been quite apparent because she continued.

She sat up and leaned toward him, putting her hand on his knee. "She's not going to keep waiting for you to come to her. She's already waited long enough...way longer than I would have. And now she's got that hot guy hanging all over her.

"Huh?" The thoughts swirling in his head, caused him complete bewilderment. Hot guy?

"Liv. She's not always going to be there waiting, Dad. You gotta make a move." She was looking at him like she could not believe she was having to explain this to him.

"What?! What are you talking about? Liv and I don't...we're not...I don't care about her like..." Even though he did, he could not very well admit that to his daughter, could he?

"Dad! Are you kidding me? Yes! You do! You two are about the only ones that don't know you are in love! Or at least, the only ones who won't admit it."

"Maureen..." He was shooting for a reprimanding voice, but failed.

"Dad, you only have to be in a room like two seconds with you guys to know you love each other. Every time she is near, you have this weird sparkle in your eye and you seem calmer, content. And, Liv, oh, my goodness! When you walk into a room, you can almost see the light turn on inside her, she can't take her eyes off of you. And the way you guys talk with your eyes. Awesome! Not many people have the chance at the kind of love, the connection you two have. I hope I am lucky enough to find this for myself one day."

"I...I..." He knew she was right. They did have this uncanny connection. He did love Olivia and he had come to that realization years ago. He just did not see a way to act on it.

"Don't even try to deny it. I've seen it for a long time now. I saw it the other night at the hospital. It was written all over her face. When I was younger, I could see there was something different about the way you and Liv interacted than way you and Mom did. It was almost like some kind of dance where each of you were hyper aware of the other and knew just where to step or side step, just when to turn or dip, just what to do and say. Of course, it was years until I was able to name what I saw between you."

"You figured all this out and you were how old?" He was somewhat amused by this. Here he was grown and he still had not figured it all out.

"Twelve, thirteen maybe. It was pretty much the beginning of your partnership. Look, I know you never cheated on Mom and I really think Mom knows that, too."

"Honey, Your Mom and I made a commitment to..." He tried to talk, but she cut him off.

"I know you two think you are doing the right thing for the baby, but, you're not Daddy. Kathleen, the twins and I were miserable with you and Mom always fighting and arguing and hollering. I know I was at college when you moved out, but Kathleen told me that even though they missed you, it was so much better not having all the drama going on all the time. And she said they saw you more after you guys split up. You and Mom have not changed at all with each other. Even I can see that and I am not around you all that much. The baby has changed nothing. Dad, don't do this to E.J., please."

"Maur...I don't know what to say..." He could not believe he was having this conversation with his daughter.

"You need to talk things out with Mom, but I bet even she would be relieved to admit, this is not working." She got up, came to him and sat in his lap, kissing him on the cheek. "It's your decision, Dad. I love you, no matter what!" She got up and went upstairs.

If he thought he was in a nightmare earlier, this was an alternate universe. His oldest daughter basically just told him to divorce her mother, leave her with a new baby to raise and three other kids to look after, declare his love for his partner and live happily ever after. And she seemed to be perfectly fine with this advice. He really needed to rest, he thought, as he stretched out on the couch to take a nap.

- - - - - - - - -

Friday. Olivia could not wait to see Elliot. They had not talked to or seen each other since Tuesday night at the hospital. She was at her desk trying to link their latest case to one from three years ago when she heard voices in the hallway. "Hey, Stabler. Good to see you back!" "Elliot, glad you're okay, man." "Trying to get out of working, Stabler?" Then he was there. Strutting into the squad room like he did every morning, like nothing was out of the ordinary. He had on a charcoal gray shirt, black, red and light gray striped tie, a black suit and he looked great. A heck of a lot better than he had Tuesday evening when she last saw him.

"Welcome home, Elliot." Munch said, putting an arm around his shoulder.

"Great to see you, man. You sure gave us a scare." Fin gave him his slapping hand shake.

"Elliot, I am glad you are okay. Just remember, desk duty. One week. Don't even think about trying to ditch it." Cragen warned, as he shook Elliot's hand, smiled and returned to his office.

Elliot went to his desk, hanging his suit jacket on the back of his chair. He began unbuttoning his shirt sleeves and proceeded to roll them up. He loosened his tie.

The whole time, Liv was watching him. "So, are you ready for work now?" She smiled.

"More than ready." He smiled back Sitting down, he jiggled the mouse to his computer to get the log in screen to appear.

Leaning across her desk, she became serious. "How are you doing, really?" Her eyes never left his.

"Good. Good. The doc says every thing checked out fine. Got a follow-up appointment next week and he'll clear me then for active duty." He nodded. After typing in his I.D. and password, he leaned across his desk in the same manner she had and lowered his voice. "Liv, I have to talk to you..."

They were interrupted by Cragen's authoritative voice. "Olivia, Lake. I need to see you. Got an assignment. I'll fill you in on the details." He stood at the door to his office and motioned for them to come.

She looked at Cragen and then back at Elliot. Holding his gaze for several seconds. She did not speak, nodding instead, she grabbed a notepad and pen and headed for Cragen's office.

- - - - - - - - -

They had spent the entire morning interviewing former employers, family, friends and neighbors of their suspect. Got some useful information, but not a whole lot. They had just grabbed a quick lunch when Cragen called with another assignment.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was below freezing outside and the squad car was not much warmer. Cragen had put them on a stakeout, hoping to find the suspect that had been eluding them for almost a month. He had word that the guy had gotten a part-time job for the holidays at a local UPS store. They had spent the morning trying to find out what they could about him, now they waited. Her thick, black, down coat was buttoned up to her chin and her scarf was wrapped to cover the back of her neck and ears. That was a good reason to wear her hair long, she thought. It helped keep her warm on cold winter days. Her nose ran constantly from the freezing air and she kept wiping it with a tissue. Her butt was numb, but she was not sure if it was from the cold or sitting on it in same position for almost four hours. Her feet were cold, even though she had on thick socks and warm boots. She would turn the car on every twenty minutes or so just long enough to warm up a bit. Lake had gone to the corner bodega for coffee and tea when they first got there and that had warmed her up considerably. He offered to go for more, but if she kept drinking, she'd have to go to the bathroom and they could not be taking breaks in the middle of a stakeout.

"So, you got to play hero again the other night." Lake turned toward Olivia , leaning in the corner of his seat.

She snorted and rolled her eyes. "Just did what anyone would have." She kept her eyes on the storefront.

"Stabler ought to put you on payroll as his official family guardian angel." He smiled.

She laughed at the joke.

"How many more family members he got for you to save? Three, four?"

"Four."

"I don't know him all that well yet, but I can't believe he went back to his wife. I mean, who goes back after you been separated for two years, huh?"

"He just wanted to do the right thing. With the baby and all." Lake's line of questioning, quickly evoked her irritation.

"Yea, well, if they are still acting like they did before she kicked his butt out the first time, it ain't the right thing, baby or no baby." He countered, scrutinizing two guys coming out of the building.

"What does that mean?" Still focused on the store, her irritation turning to curiosity.

"Got a buddy in narcotics...his wife's sister and Stabler's wife are good friends...and according to her, they fight just as bad now if not worse than they ever did before. If it's as bad as he said she makes it sound, it ain't right to put a kid through that. My folks, they fought all the time. I hated it. Hated them for it. Ended up hating each other, too. It just twists your insides, you know?" He seemed to be deep in thought, perhaps remembering exactly how he had felt back then. "Nah, it's not right."

Olivia's brow creased by the stampede of questions and thoughts trampling her mind. She knew what it was to live with an alcoholic. She knew how her insides twisted when her mother was on one of her drunken rampages. But she had never really thought about your parents fighting and arguing causing the same kind of turmoil. Casey had said something about things not being any different between Elliot and Kathy, too. Were they still fighting like they used to? They sure could go at it. There was a time he told her about their fights. She would listen, try to make him see things from Kathy's view and tell him to make things right with her. Those days were long over. Since they did not talk anymore, she really had no idea what was going on in his personal life. After he told her Kathy was pregnant, it was like another wall went up between them, this one impenetrable. Or so it seemed. They no longer shared personal aspects of their lives. He did not ask about her personal life and she did not offer information. She did not ask nor did she want to know how Kathy was doing or now about Kathy or the baby. She did not want to be reminded of why things would never be the same between her and Elliot. But since the accident, he had begun to act like it was his right not only to know about her personal like, but to control it as well.

"Heard he asked for you instead of his wife." He said.

Eyes still on the store, but no longer seeing or hearing anything except for the images and voices in her mind, she had forgotten she was sitting beside Lake and his voice startled her.

"Olivia...?" A questioning look on his face, he had bent his over to try to see her eyes.

She snapped out of her reverie and glanced at him. "What?"

"Did you hear me?" He asked, shifting his gaze back to the store.

"Uh...no...I guess I didn't..." Still in the haze of her previous thoughts.

"I said, I heard he asked for you instead of his wife. What gives with that?" He did not seem to have any qualm about asking something that was way out of line.

No sooner than the words registered in her brain, she was mentally conjuring up medieval forms of punishment to inflict upon any one or more of her 'friends' present that night who were guilty of releasing such incriminating information. How about the thumbscrew? Or the rack? Whoever told was a rat...so she would torture them with rats crawling all over them, biting them! That's what she would do. Only problem was she honestly could not see any of them doing such a thing. They were tight. They watched out for each other. Defended each other. Out of loyalty to her and Elliot, they would never do that, and Kathy certainly would not out of sheer humiliation. Okay. Okay. So where did he get that information?

"Where'd you hear that?!" She so wanted to smack somebody! Or something!

"Friend of mine in homicide, has a cousin who has girlfriend that works at Mt. Sinai. She heard about it from one of Stabler's nurses." He acted like this was no big deal that Elliot would call out for his partner rather than his wife.

She, on the other hand, was very unsettled that the scene in the hospital had so quickly become the stuff of gossipers' dreams. "Good grief, Lake. How many friends do you have?"

- - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_Come on...Dean is really not a bad guy...we just don't want him with Liv...how about Casey...or Kathy??? (Laughing evilly) Wouldn't that throw Elliot for a loop! _

Someone asked how many chapters...I am not sure. I know where I want to go with the story but just not sure how long it will take...the party and after will be good...I can hardly wait! I am trying to make the chapters a bit longer so that should help. Keep those reviews coming. I love them! And you guys are so gracious! " ) Bensler

LivNel4ever - I had meant to mention the difference between how readers react to various scenes. How you really liked it, yet Mia66 felt it was out of character.

- - - - - - - --


	17. Rhyme

**Chapter 17 - Rhyme**

It was just after 5:30 p.m. when Cragen called them back to the house. Waiting for an elevator, they discussed their fruitless stake-out. They never saw their suspect. Sometimes that is just how it goes down. Hours upon hours and nothing to show for it. The elevator doors opened and Elliot almost ran into Olivia as he stepped off without looking up.

"Hey. Heard you guys didn't see him. Sorry." He said, looking at both of them.

Lake shrugged his shoulders and Olivia shook her head. "Nope."

He looked at Lake, holding his finger up to say give me minute, and pulled Olivia aside. "We have to talk...are you doing anything later...can I come by?"

"I really don't think that's a good idea..." Remembering that night in the kitchen, she _knew_ it was not a good idea. "Uh...I'll meet you somewhere...Carney's?"

He rubbed his chin. "How about McCormack's? It's quieter. 7:00?" He suggested.

She nodded and went back to the elevator Lake was holding for her.

- - - - - - - -

McCormack's Pub on Third Avenue. She had been there a few times, once with Elliot and the rest of the gang for drinks. Once with a date. Once alone. She stepped in and searched the crowd. It only took her a few seconds to find him. He was in the far left corner at a small booth that would seat only two. For a moment, she watched him. He had changed from his suit to faded, well-worn, light blue colored jeans, a hole at the pocket on his left thigh. His shirt was a medium blue Henley and over that was his gray hoodie. The one she would take from his locker to wear when she got cold while working. She loved how it held his scent, a mixture of soap, sweat, cologne and just Elliot. She felt closer to him wearing it. He was looking down at the beer in his hand and he looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Even from this distance she sensed that there was something new weighing him down, sucking the life out of him. She was suddenly filled with more apprehension than had already crept into her being. As if he sensed her presence, he looked up and straight at her. He smiled and waved her over. He stood as she came to the booth and once she was seated, he sat back down.

"You came." He said, taking a swallow of his beer.

"You thought I wouldn't?" She was surprised at this less than complete confidence coming from him. Totally not Elliot.

"Crossed my mind." He shrugged, put his beer down and poured her a mug.

"Why?" She picked up the mug and took a sip.

"We've kind of been through a bunch of crap the last few weeks...and the things I've done and said...well, I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me or wanted to see me ever again." His voice held regret as he barely raised his eyebrows at her and leaned over the table.

"Yea." Nodding, in agreement, she leaned her head in her left hand and played with a strand of hair.

"So...how is it such a gorgeous, single woman was free on a Friday night?" He was secretly hoping maybe she and Porter broke up or at least had a fight.

Her laugh was more of a snort. "Uh...if you're asking where Dean is, he had to go to D.C. Wednesday morning. Some kind of debriefing. He'll be back tomorrow in time for the party." She smiled a sarcastic, fake smile.

"Oh." He frowned. "You have a date for the party...guess that means you and I aren't going together this year, huh?" He was trying to make a joke and failing miserably.

"Guess not. I assumed you'd bring Kathy. By the way, how did you get away from her for the night? Another case?" She smiled evilly and laughed.

Catching her joke and jab, he laughed. "Her best friend from high school is in town and wanted to see the baby, so she went over there. The kids all had something to do...so I was going to be alone."

"Oh. Okay."

He didn't have an unlimited amount of time, since he hoped to be back before Kathy. So, he took in a deep breath, wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans, cleared his throat and began to tell Olivia the things he had wanted and needed to tell her for a very long time.

"Liv, I'm sick of the way things are between us. Sick of being angry, not speaking for weeks, months, heck even years. Sick of my insides rolling like I'm on a ship in a nor'easter. I'm sick of the arguing and bickering." He took a long swallow of beer and let out a long, deep sigh through lips puckered as though whistling.

"I'm sick of fighting you when in my heart I know it really isn't you I am fighting. It's this thing between us. And I know you feel it, too. I want to lay every thing out on the table. I have to lay every thing out...I have to make some decisions...cause...I...I can't keep going on like this...I was already going to talk to you...you know after the locker room thing...but now after the scare I had the other night...I know I have to put it all out there, figure it out and do something." She looked so small, fragile almost. He nearly laughed out loud at himself. Olivia Benson was not fragile.

Liv sat there. Her breathing had become shallow and she was quiet. Very quiet. She did not know what to say. Did not know what he expected from her. So, she just sat there. Waiting. Seeing she was not going to speak, he began again, hoping that she could make enough sense of the jumbled pile of words that he heard coming from his mouth to understand what he so desperately was trying to tell her.

"I guess first of all, I...uh... need to apologize for what I did in the locker room. I have thought about it almost constantly. Liv, there is no excuse for what I did. None. But the reason is that I was consumed with jealousy, with you dating Porter. The thought of you and him...I just could not take it. I still can't take it. I know I was way out of line to ask you about your...personal life. I had...have no right to ask or know anything like that. And when I saw those bruises on your wrists...that I put there...I...it was like it was the final straw, you know...and I could not take it anymore...and my body and heart could not take it and the attack happened...and I know you are still mad about all that I have done and I don't blame you at all. I just hope one day you can forgive me." He was looking at her with such sadness, she had to say something.

"I'm glad you realize you were wrong. I am still pretty mad, but one day I'll get over it and probably forgive you." Her lips curled in a closed lip smile.

"Probably?" He was nodding his head. "I can live with probably." A smirk filled his face.

They were quiet for a while. They sipped their beers and would look at each other until one of them broke the gaze. Then they would look around the bar at the others mingling, laughing, talking, until their eyes would seek the other once again.

"I don't know when it happened." Elliot began, speaking so low she had to strain to hear him. He was chewing the inside of his cheek as he traced a scratch in the table over and over with the nail of his left index finger.

She was watching his finger trace the scratch, too. "When what happened?" She asked softly.

"When things changed between us...when I realized that I...that I..." He wanted to say 'when I realized that I love you' but he couldn't bring himself to say it. Not now. Not when he was still married. "I couldn't live without you in my life. That you had become intertwined with my sense of self so that I can't even find where I end and you begin."

Her head snapped up, her eyes locked with his. That was exactly how she felt. Exactly how she had described it in her mind. She was speechless. She knew he cared about her, but she did not dream he felt this same way. That he would describe them the exact same way she did, blew her away.

When she remained silent, he spoke agin. "I don't know if it was when Plummer was stalking you, or when Gitano cut you or when Richard White threatened you, or that first day, when you threw up in the trash can on the sidewalk. But since the accident, when I realized I could have lost you, I just can't deny it any more. I don't know when it happened, Liv, that you became my air, my anchor, every beat of my heart. All I know is that when I think of my life without you there, it is not a life. Not one that I can live, anyway."

"Why are you telling me all this? Why saying these things? What good will it do to put this out there? You're married, Elliot! Married!" She felt the anger rising with her. She could not help it. But when she spoke it was barely with a whisper.

What good did he think telling her all of this would do? Couldn't he see it would serve only to bind her tighter than she was already? To know without question, how he felt and not be able to do anything about it would make it a hundred times worse than just imagining he cared and he could not act on it.

"Because I want more, Olivia." His blue eyes locked with her brown ones and she saw the love, the desire in them. But she completely missed what he was trying to tell her.

"More? What exactly does that mean, Elliot? More? Do you mean sex? You want to be my lover?" She was shaking her head rapidly back and forth. "Sorry, but I am not into being the 'other woman'." She used her fingers to make quote signs as she leaned across the table and hissed the words of her reply to him. "I will not be anyone's mistress. I thought you knew me better than that!"

She started to get up, but he reached across the table and grabbed her hand. No. No. She had it all wrong. That is not what he meant. He was not good with words. It just wasn't coming out right. He did not mean for her to be his mistress. He was trying to tell her he was going to tell Kathy he wanted out of the marriage, but he could not do it right now. Not during the holidays. But he would. After. He knew he had to say something to make it right or she was going to deck him or walk right out of his life or both.

"Olivia, I need you..." He began

"You know what, Elliot. Just go home. I am not having this conversation!!" Her voice a snarl as she snatched her hand from his.

She stood up to leave, but he was quicker. No. She was not running away. Not this time. Not until he finished what he had to say. He grabbed her by the arm and pushed her back into her seat, sliding in next to her. The seat was meant for one person, so he was sitting very close to her, their thighs touching, the heat from his body radiating to hers, his left arm around the back of the booth nearly on her shoulder. Breathing had become something she had to remind herself to do and when she finally inhaled the air, she found it was too thin, too little for the both of them. She did not dare to look into his eyes. His right hand came across her face, forcing her to look at him. She swallowed hard as their eyes met, his hand scorching her with its heat.

"Olivia, I would never expect that of you...I could never..." He took his hand from her face and ran it over his head and down his face. "I need you to give me some time...I need you to understand that I want to do this right, make it right between us."

"What are you talking about?" She was becoming more confused than ever.

"Wait for me, Liv." There he said it.

She was furious with him and the whole situation. She still did not quite understand because he was still not quite making himself clear. The fury exploded within her and spewed from her unlike any thing he had ever seen from Olivia Benson.

"What?! How dare you ask me that!! I don't see how you can be married and yet expect me to wait around while you live your life trying to figure how you can have both us. I waited for two years for you to make a move. You didn't and now you are back with Kathy and you have a new baby. Well, I have Dean, now. And you are trying to jam that up like you have every relationship I have ever tried to have. Well, I finally realized something, Elliot. It was never the job that pushed men away from me, it was you! You! Because I wanted them to be you! I don't want to be the reason your marriage breaks up. I have enough guilt for every thing else in my life. I am not carrying that, too. I am going to make my own life, my own world! I'm through waiting, Elliot! " She was talking loud enough that people from the tables closest to them were looking their way.

He just sat there looking at her. Her breaths were short and ragged. Her chest heaving up and down with each one. Her eyes were black, the pupils gone. He felt numb inside. She was going on without him. He had totally screwed up again.

She lowered her voice and icily said, "Let me out."

Before doing as she commanded, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head. She felt the anger draining from her with that unexpected show of affection. He slid off the seat, holding his hand out to help her. She ignored it and slid out on her own. She looked him in the eye one last time and turned to leave.

When she had taken two or three steps, he spoke. "She said you had already waited long enough..."

Liv froze. Slowly, she turned around to face him and looked at the people at the surrounding tables to glare at any of them that were nosing in on her business. Then she came back to stand beside him at the table. "What are you talking about?" She said impatiently.

"She told me you wouldn't always be there waiting..." He was turned with his feet pointing out from the end of the booth, looking down at his tennis shoes.

She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Who?"

"Maureen." Still looking at his feet, his voice was quiet.

"Maureen? You told Maureen about this...this...whatever it is between us? Have you lost your mind?" She sat down on the other side of the booth, what had been his side. The shock on her face there for anyone to see. She was shaking her head and trying to say more, but she was grappling for the words. Any words.

"No. She told me." He said, his voice sad, resigned to the fact that nothing had been solved here tonight and maybe would never be resolved.

"She told you?" She blinked her eyes quickly, trying to form another sentence, her mouth opened and closed several times before she finally lined up the words. "Help me out here, El. I am not following this line of thought very well."

He took a deep breath and started explaining. "She heard me and Kathy fighting yesterday and me throwing up after Kathy left and I knew she wanted to talk about the fight and there was no way to not talk. She asked me why I came home and told me if it wasn't for the baby I would not have come back. She didn't ask, she told me. I said no, I would not have. She said you wouldn't be there forever cause you have already waited long enough...and had someone else hanging around...she knows...sensed this thing between us when she was only like twelve or thirteen...she knew by the way you acted at the hospital...she said we have this amazing connection and she wants that one day...she said my eyes have this weird sparkle when you are around and you light up when I come into the room...and that we have this dance we do...she said me and Kathy fighting all the time, made her and the other kids miserable and they were glad when I was gone...not that I was gone...but there was no more drama and all...she said me and Kathy had not changed cause we still fight maybe even worse than before and to please not do that to E.J. Olivia...I have to do something about all this. I have to. I can't live like this anymore. I'm ripped in two and feel like I am going insane." He knew the words tumbled out and he had rambled, but he thought he covered it all, he just prayed she understood what he had said and what he meant.

Words definitely failed her now. She stared into space not really even seeing him anymore. "Wow. Just wow."

They do still fight. Weird sparkle? I light up? The baby was the reason. Dance, what dance? How did I act at the hospital? He's going to do something...what? She was going to need some time, okay, a lot of time to figure all of this out and process it.

He looked at his watch. "I have to go. I want to be back before Kathy gets home. I don't want any more fights. I just need to talk to her. After the holidays. No fighting. I'm sorry, Liv. I guess I'll see you at the party, huh?" Now he stood to leave, taking some bills from his wallet, he threw them on the table. She stood and walked out of the bar with him.

As the cab he hailed pulled up, she asked him a question. "What did you fight about?"

"What we almost always fight about." He was half-way in the cab now. "The job and...you." He closed the door and the cab sped away.

- - - - - - - - -

Instead of going home, Liv went back into the bar. Their table was still empty, the half full pitcher of beer beckoning her, so she sat back down and poured a mug. Then another. And another. She was not one to drink away her troubles, because she had seen first hand what alcohol could do to a person. She did not want to become anything like her mother. But sometimes things happen that are so upsetting, so gut wrenching that having a few too many to try to forget, if only for a few hours, seemed the acceptable thing to do. This was one of those times.

They fight about her. What about her? Elliot had told her enough of the things Kathy had said or insinuated about her over the years, for her to realize she was jealous of Liv. But, for most of that time, there was no reason for her to be jealous because she and Elliot were just partners and friends. But, when Kathy left him and took the kids, she also took the safety net for Liv and Elliot's relationship. His marriage had always been the main boundary that held her feelings, and later she realized, Elliot's as well, at bay. She would never be with a married man and Elliot would never break his wedding vows. When Kathy left, she threw everything out of kilter. So, this was Kathy's fault. Ah, who was she kidding? It was her fault for letting her self fall for him. But with love, there is no rhyme or reason. She should have stayed in Computer Crimes or taken that job the FBI offered after Oregon. Anything to put distance between them. She should have stayed away from him. She was a strong person, but not that strong. How do you cut yourself off from something, someone that has become your life, your every reason for getting up in the morning? She could not leave him but she knew she should. It had to be over. This constant upheaval of her emotions had begun to consume her. She needed to talk someone. And she knew she already had too many drinks to get home on her own, and she was not finished. She called Casey.

"What if I had a date?" Casey asked as she slid into the opposite side of the booth from Olivia.

Her laughed was sarcastic, but she smiled. "I knew you didn't have one because since it is such a rarity, you would have been so excited you would have told me and if knew you had a date, I would never have called you."

"Wow. I'm impressed." She motioned for the waiter to bring her a mug.

"Impressed? That I knew you didn't have a date?" Liv took a swallow of the caramel colored liquid.

"No. Impressed that you could string that many words together in a coherent sentence. How many have you had?" She nodded toward the pitcher of beer.

"Mmmm...not sure. Five, six...one with Elliot and after he left I lost count."

"How long you been here?"

"Got here around 7:00 o'clock. What time is it?"

"Just over three hours. Well, I would say you are most likely legally drunk."

Liv nodded her head as she drew lines in the condensation on the pitcher. She did not say anything.

Casey thought she looked defeated. "So, why did you pull me away from my perfect dateless evening? What's going on?"

"What's always going on..."

"Elliot. What now?"

"I told you all about Tuesday night, the dinner, the case he lied about, the kitchen, all the stuff at the hospital..."

Casey interrupted her. "He lied about a case?"

"Yea. He didn't go home until late Monday night after the locker room meltdown. He told Kathy we had a case, but we didn't. I covered for him. We were in the kitchen when I asked why he lied and he never answered...and well you know about the kitchen." She rolled her head on her neck to release some of the tension.

Casey realized he lied about the case to cover the time he spent talking with her that night. She debated on telling Liv, but if she knew she would have tell her at least the gist of what was discussed and she was sure she should not so she remained silent.

Liv continued with her explanation. "He kept saying we had to talk because of the locker room thing...but after the attack or whatever it was, he said he really had to talk to me. So, I met him here..."

"And that went real well, I see." Casey looked at Olivia, thinking how this was all such a mess.

"Yea. He told me all these things, Casey. Things about how he feels about me...and...I just...just don't know what he expects from me..."

Casey cut her off. "He does not have the right to expect anything from you, Liv. I thought we got that all straightened out when you and I talked."

"It's not that easy...I've been dating Dean...and I like him...I really do...and if...if...I could see myself even falling for him...if...if...I don't know." She put her head in her hands, rubbing her fingers over her forehead.

"If you didn't have feelings for Elliot." Casey said what Liv could not bring herself to say.

"Yes. But I know I have to get past that...or at least I thought I did...until tonight. He said he wanted make things right between us and for me to wait for him."

"Wait for him?" Casey found that interesting. She thought it looks like he really is going to make a decision, choose between Kathy and Olivia.

"Yea. He said after the holidays he was going to talk to Kathy."

"About what?"

"He never really said. That was the problem...he said all these things about how he felt and that even Maureen sensed it and that he was going to talk to Kathy, but he never really said what he was going to do."

"Maybe Elliot is going to do something about him and Kathy, but I still think you need to pursue this relationship with Dean and not wait around for Elliot. He may never get around to talking to Kathy. If he sees you are not waiting, well maybe that will motivate him to do whatever he needs to do."

"Maybe."

"What does Maureen have to do with all of this?"

"She apparently has sensed something between us since the beginning. She told Elliot that I would not be there waiting forever and that he had to make a move. She told him that his and Kathy's fighting had made all of them miserable and they had not changed since he came back because they fight maybe even worse than before and she did not want them to do that to the baby."

"Wow."

"Yea. That's what I said."

She could tell Olivia was winding down, the alcohol causing her to become drowsy. "Come on. Let's get you home."

- - - - - - - - - -

Amazing. Simply amazing, he thought. The actual flight from DC to NYC was only about an hour and fifteen minutes. How could getting your ticket and going through security take longer than that? Delta flight 4941 would depart at 11:30 a.m. and they always encourage you to be there at least two hours prior to the scheduled departure. He knew that after 911, security was more important than ever, especially being an FBI agent, but that didn't mean he was any less human. He hated waiting. Dean Porter was ready to get home. He looked at his watch. Around 12:45 p.m. he should be landing at JFK.

He missed Olivia. Yes. He missed her. In the last three weeks they had spent a lot of time together and he had found himself enjoying her company immensely. She still annoyed him at times, but he found she was also kind, intelligent, articulate and hilariously funny. This was a side to her he had never seen in Oregon and never would have suspected. And she was beautiful. He could not figure out how someone so attractive had managed to remain unmarried and unattached.

Then he saw the interplay between her and her partner and questions started popping into his mind. It did not take much to get people to talk about Benson and Stabler. It seems they were somewhat of a legend around the NYPD and most were eager to tell some tidbit they had heard or even witnessed. Of course, every thing he heard were unsubstantiated rumors, but every one knew that most rumors had some premise of truth as their basis. Tuesday evening he had noticed several things that, in his mind, gave credence those rumors.

He had seen how their eyes lingered when they first arrived and Elliot took their coats. He saw Olivia blush. He saw how Elliot kept looking at her...like he just could not get enough of her. When Kathy mentioned Elliot told her they caught a case the night before, he saw how quickly their eyes locked on each other, carrying on a private conversation right there in front of him and Kathy. He knew in his gut Olivia was covering for him when she agreed there was a case. Well, that a mute point now, because he knew the truth about that case and he had a list of questions for her a mile long.

All it took was a quick visit with the night shift front desk Sergeant and he had his answer. He had planned to wait until the next morning to do some digging but then he remembered that he had to go to Washington. So, after he dropped Olivia off Tuesday night, he swung by the precinct. He remembered the conversation word for word.

"Good evening, Sergeant..." He looked at the sergeant's name tag. "Ferrelli."

"Yea. Who are you?" He asked gruffly.

"I'm Agent Porter with the FBI." Showing Ferrelli his shield and I.D. "I need to ask you about a case that was possibly referred to your precinct yesterday evening."

"Monday? That's easy. Only had two." He said, leaning back in his chair.

"Would you mind looking in the log and telling me if one of those cases were assigned to Detectives Benson and Stabler?"

"Don't need to. I took the calls. One was a drive-by shooting. Homicide caught it and the other was drug-related, so that went to Narcotics. Benson and Stabler are Special Vics."

"Are you sure?"

"Yea, I'm sure. They're SVU. You saying I don't know my job?"

"I meant are you sure about them not having a case?"

"Again, Agent Porter, you saying I don't know my job?"

"No. Thank you for your help, Sergeant."

He had been pretty sure there was no case, now he knew. He could not wait to see what Olivia would say to explain why she lied. He did not want to confront her, but if they were going to continue to see each other, he had there had to be trust. He hoped she had a really good reason, because he was falling for her and he would hate for this to mess things up between them. Then again, he thought, maybe he doesn't really have a chance with her, because things between her and her 'best friend' partner just did not seem to be on the up and up. The scene in the kitchen when he and Kathy returned from getting the wine...well, there was a reason he was an FBI agent...his intuition kicked in and he knew that scene was setup. The way she was in the hospital after they thought Elliot had a heart attack, he sensed something then, too, but could not put his finger on it. And when that nurse said he had been mumbling 'Liv', well, that spoke volumes. If Elliot Stabler was his competition, then he wanted to know it. In his book Stabler did not have a chance. He was married. Strike one. Had a new kid. Strike two. One more and he's out. Well, Liv has someone else interested in her who is going to do everything in his power to be Elliot Stabler's strike three.

- - - - - - - - -

Liv had bought a new dress for the Christmas party. She did not have the occasion to dress up much and was really not all that into fashion. But she thought everyone had seen the two fancy dresses she had, quite enough. Besides, after her talk with Elliot last night she had decided to put everything into making her relationship with Dean work out and she wanted to look and feel special for him. She supposed that once in while it was all right to put the detective in her away and be a girly-girl.

The dress was forest green, tiered in a laser-cut fabric with an Empire-waist sheath. It was cut with a deep V-neck and a low back. Halter straps tied at the back of her neck. It was quite form-fitting at the bust and hip and came just above her knees. She thought it showed a little too much around the bust area, but Casey assured her it was fine and she would be a knock-out in it. She had even bought new shoes and had them dyed to match the dress. They were made from a satin-like material, the toe was enclosed and had two sets of straps that cris-crossed around her ankles. She had to admit that green was one of her most attractive colors - there was something about it against her olive complected skin. When Casey saw the dress, she had insisted on lending Liv her genuine ruby necklace and matching earrings that she thought would look so great with the dress, adding a Christmas feel to it. The party was at 8:00 and Dean was picking her up at 7:30. It was being held at The New Yorker Hotel's Grand Ballroom so the drive would not take long.

She had just put the jewelry on, when she heard the soft knocking on her door. She had not seen Dean since Tuesday and was a little surprised to realize she had missed him and was eager to see him. Opening the door, she saw him dressed in a black pin-striped suit, a red shirt and a Christmas tie that had skiing snowmen all over it. He looked fine and he was standing there holding a bouquet of miniature yellow roses.

"Hey. Flowers? What have you done?" She laughed as she took them from his outstretched hand.

"Does a man have to be guilty of something to give the woman in his life beautiful flowers that is dwarfed only by the beauty of that woman." He smiled and bowed slightly.

Waving her hand in dismissal, she laughed. "Come on in."

He stepped in and as she closed the door, he turned quickly to her enveloping her in a hug and kissed her long and hard. When he pulled away, she found herself wanting to pull him back to her mouth for another kiss.

"I missed you, Olivia." He whispered in her ear, as he hugged her.

"Mmmm...I missed you, too." She said, surprised at how husky her voice sounded.

"Liv, you look absolutely stunning. That green, it's fantastic on you. And the dress...you will turn the head of every man there and I will end up in a fight before the night is over."

"Thank you. You know I may be having to fight, too, because you look pretty stunning yourself!"

"Here, let's get these in some water." He said as he took them from her and went toward the kitchen.

"There's a vase in the cabinet above the refrigerator. Can you reach it?"

"I'm 6'3"...I think I can handle that." As he opened the cabinet and pulled the vase down.

"These are beautiful. Thank you." Liv said as she filled the vase and arranged the flowers in it.

"We better get going."

- - - - - - - - - -

Since their fight Thursday afternoon, they had only talked if absolutely necessary. About the kids or how much money Kathy could spend on Christmas, or the family Christmas dinner at Elliot's mother's home, but no talking just to be talking and they did not discuss anything they fought about that day. Now, some of it came up while getting ready for the NYPD Christmas party.

"Look, I am not going to argue about this any longer." He snatched his tie from the rack.

"Do you have any idea how hard it will be for me to go and face all of them after the what you did, Elliot?" She was standing in the middle of their bedroom with just her slip on, staring him down via his reflection.

"What I said, is done and over with. I can't change it. I was not fully conscious and I am not going to defend myself about it anymore. I'm not going to argue about it anymore." He was tying the tie, looping it over to make the knot as he looked in the mirror.

"You could care less how it made me feel or how embarrassed I would be to see everyone again." She whined, still just standing there.

"So...you never going to see them again? They are my co-workers and at some point your paths will cross. If you don't want to go to the party, fine. But if you are going, you need to get ready." He put his suit jacket on, pick up his cologne and splashed some on his face and jacket.

"You'd go without me? Alone?" She acted surprised.

"Gone without you the last two years. Plenty of other folks there. I won't be alone." He pointed out.

"Oh, yes. That's right. She'll be there." Her words were full of contempt.

"Kathy. Do not even go there." He glared at her, his voice was low and threatening. "I am going downstairs. I will wait ten more minutes. Then I am leaving for the party. Your call." As he left the bedroom, he slammed the door behind him.

- - - - - - - - -


	18. Retaliation

**Chapter 18 - Retaliation**

The Grand Ballroom is a magnificent room, in and of itself, with its lavish and rich decor that includes marble floors, brass finishes and highly stylized furnishings with a balcony that looks over the dance floor. The exquisite Christmas decorations only added to its splendor and grandeur. Olivia had been there once as a child and remembered how she thought she had been transported into a fairytale and thought a prince would appear at any moment. Tonight she was in awe of its beauty and architecture.

It did not take long for Olivia and Dean to find the crew from the 1-6. Lake saw them as they walked passed the bar area and pointed out where they were sitting. She supposed it must be some unwritten rule that the different units always seemed to sit together even though there was quite a bit of inter-departmental mingling. Each table would seat ten. Olivia could see Munch, Fin, Casey, Elliot, Kathy, Cragen and Judge Donnelly, who appeared to be Cragen's date, were already seated leaving just enough room for her and Dean. Thank goodness Judge Donnelly was next to Kathy, an empty seat by Elliot must have been Lake's, leave two empty seats between Cragen and Fin. Her stomach did its familiar tightening routine at the sight of Elliot and Kathy, or was it Elliot with Kathy as she and Dean came toward the table.

- - - - - - - - - -

Elliot was glad he was facing the entrance so he could watch Olivia as she and Dean came in. She was absolutely stunning. She had on a new dress and what a dress it was. He decided he loved her in green, any shade of green. It had those halter kind of straps, that left her shoulders and back bare. It was above her knees and clung to her body especially the breasts and hips. He liked looking but he sure didn't like thinking of Porter touching her bare skin when he danced with her. He hoped he was not obvious in his perusal of her, but he had a very hard time keeping his eyes off of her. He has got to quit thinking like this. Somehow he has to be patient until he can talk to Kathy and get things figured out between them. After that, there will be plenty of time to think of Olivia. He promised himself he was not going to have a meltdown. He was not going to hit Porter or say anything he should not to Olivia. He just has to get through tonight with Porter hanging all over her. He downed his Jack and Coke.

After all the cursory exchanges of 'hellos and how are yous', Dean held Liv's seat for her, placing her next to Cragen and then sat down next to Fin.

"Olivia, you look absolutely beautiful. How are things going?" Captain Cragen stood as she was being seated.

"Thank you, Captain. Things are okay." She smiled. "Is the Judge your date?" She whispered.

He laughed. "You have a problem with that, Detective?" She laughed, too and winked at him.

"Detective Benson, congratulations on your latest heroic endeavor." Judge Donnelly smiled. "The Stabler family is indeed fortunate that you are a part of their lives."

Olivia wanted to crawl into a hole. "Just doing what anyone would, Judge Donnelly." She felt the heat rush to her face and knew she was blushing, yet she somehow managed to smile back.

She could imagine just how fortunate Kathy felt having Olivia was in her life. She did not have to look directly at Kathy to know she was sending death glares her way. She knew this evening had the potential for being uncomfortable, but she never thought she would be thrown into right it from the beginning.

"So, Mrs. Stabler, I trust your are ensuring that your husband is taking it easy and seeing to it that the stress in his life is kept to a minimum?" She turned to Kathy.

Before Kathy could answer, Elliot put his arm around her, pulling her to him and said, "Oh, yes, Judge. She's really keeping that stress to a minimum."

He grinned widely, looking at Kathy, then the judge and lastly he glanced at Olivia. No one else would probably even notice, but his voice was coated in sarcasm, she saw the slightest twitch of the muscle in his jaw, and more than that she heard what his eyes said in that glance. Things at home were anything, but free of stress. She already knew that from their talk last night.

During dinner, she tried not to look at Elliot because if she did, she knew Kathy would not miss it. However, the Judge had Kathy engrossed in a discussion about her newest grand baby, and Dean was talking past her to Cragen, so Olivia felt free to cautiously check him out. He was so handsome. He had on her favorite blue shirt, the blue that reflected in his eyes making them even more blue. She wondered if he wore it because he remembered it was her favorite. It reminded her of the shirt he had on the first day she met him. His suit was navy blue and he, too, wore a Christmas tie. It had the Peanuts characters on it and she remembered it was one that Dickie had given him two years ago. He looked so good. He looked up at her, caught her staring, smiled slightly and winked. She felt the color immediately rush to her face as she looked away straight into the eyes of Kathy who turned first to glare at Elliot and then returned to settle her glare upon Olivia.

For the most part the dinner talk remained friendly, mostly about work and city politics. After they had finished eating, Lake and Fin had gone to talk to some of their former buddies from Narcotics and Homicide. Cragen and Donnelly were dancing. This left Elliot, Kathy, Munch, Casey, Dean and Olivia at the table. The conversation was quickly becoming stilted and Dean sensed it.

"Would you like to dance?" Dean whispered in her ear. Elliot felt his insides begin to churn as Dean leaned in to Olivia.

His eyes are so sparkly, she thought as she smiled at him. "I would love to dance."

"Excuse us." Dean said and smiled looking around the table.

Elliot could not just stay here making polite talk. He was already beginning the slow burn of jealousy. He stood up and asked if anyone needed anything from the bar. No one took him up on it. Fine with him because now he didn't have to be concerned with getting someone else's drink back to them. He could take his time. He told Kathy he was going for another drink and that he was also stopping to talk to a couple of guys he had not seen in a while. That should give him plenty of time. He had lied to her, yet again. He felt guilty.

- - - - - - - - - - -

He saw Jim Rhodes and Chris Wickham, a couple of guys he used to work with, so he stopped and talked with them a bit. At least this way he was not totally lying to Kathy, and it assuaged his guilt if only a little. However, it almost proved to be his undoing.

"Stabler, how's everything with the new kid and all?" Rhodes asked, slapping him on the back.

"Great, great." Elliot answered, ordering a shot of Tequila.

"Looks like everything is going great for that knock-out partner of yours, too. He's a suit, right? She meet him on her undercover gig with the fibbies?" Wickham nodded toward Olivia and Dean.

Olivia's head was thrown back in laughter and Dean kissed her neck. She said something and they both erupted into laughter that Elliot could all the way to the bar. Or maybe it was because he would know her laugh anywhere and only imagined he could hear it. He felt his hands fisting involuntarily, his heart beginning to race and his jaw clenching.

"Yea, he's a suit and that's how they met, undercover." He found himself thinking back to Monday when Fin and Munch had kidded her about her 'under the cover' agent. He wanted to hit somebody. He need to hit somebody. He promised he would not hit anybody.

"I tell you what...if Benson had been my partner...no way would I have gone back to my wife. Benson is hot. Either you're a better man than me, or you're totally stupid not to take advantage of what was right in front of you." Rhodes was staring at Olivia.

"Yea, man. She is one fine looking woman. So, how is she, Stabler, you know, is she good? Man, she's got to be good in..." Wickham found himself cut off by Elliot.

"Knock it, off! Olivia's not like that. We're partners, best friends. Not lovers. So just lay off." He was hoping he pulled off protective partner, but knew he sounded more like a jealous lover.

"Yea, sure man. Didn't mean anything by it. She's just a real bombshell, you know. Sorry." Wickham raised his eyebrows and exchanged a glance with Rhodes, who just shrugged.

"Well...look...been great talking with you guys. Give me a call we'll go for drinks on night." He could not wait to get away from them.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Once at the bar, he made his drink order and turned to see if Kathy could see him from where she sat. She could not. So, he then sought out Olivia. She was so beautiful. She was laughing and smiling at Porter. He was seething with jealousy. He knocked back the shot of Tequila and ordered another. He had asked her to wait and this was how she was going to do it? Well, she never said she would wait, now, did she? No, she said she was going on with her life, with her own world. That's what she was doing. Going on. Somehow he was going to be a part of that world, whether she knew it or not. He knocked back his second shot and asked for another. When he looked for her again, Porter had his hands roaming all over her back and she had her head on his shoulder and Elliot wanted to beat the hell out of him.

"Don't do this, Elliot." Munch had sidled up next to him. He ordered drinks for him and Casey.

"Do what?" Elliot asked innocently. He did not even remember taking the third shot.

"This." He nodded toward Olivia and Dean. He figured this was why Elliot had come to the bar. "You're married. Liv deserves a life of her own. Don't jam her up."

"Mind your own business." Elliot glared at him.

He leaned over and spoke into Elliot's ear. "Liv's my friend. I don't want to see you hurt her anymore than you already have. That makes it my business, pal." He took his drinks and left.

Hurt her anymore? Who does Munch think he is? Does every one think they know more about him and Liv than them? Everyone needs to just mind their own business! This was between him and Liv and no one else. This time when he found her, Porter was just leaning down to kiss her and it was not just peck. It was a kiss. A real kiss, long and slow and deep. He was going to drive himself nuts if he insisted on torturing himself this way. He took his last shot, got a pitcher of beer and head back to the table.

- - - - - - - - - - -

He had been back to the table about five minutes before Dean and Olivia returned from dancing. Kathy did not say anything to him about how long he had been gone. He would not have cared if she had, because he was well on his way to getting drunk, if not there already. Everyone was back except for Liv and Dean and they were approaching the table now.

"Hey, Liv. Did I tell you how gorgeous you look tonight?" Elliot's voice was loud and his words slightly slurred, when he spoke as Dean seated Olivia at the table.

Everyone looked at him, then Kathy and finally at her. She glanced at Cragen sitting next to her and saw his face tighten, as he looked away. Olivia was mortified, but decided to play it off. "Uh...no. You didn't, Elliot...thank you." She smiled and turned to Dean.

"You are easily the most beautiful woman in the place." One of his trademark smirks stretched across his face, his eyes glued to her.

Kathy wanted to slap him, but she chose to sit quietly and try to ignore him. Fin tried to get his attention, but either Elliot did not notice or he was ignoring him. Lake elbowed him and nodded toward Fin and he finally looked at him.

"Hey, man. We are surrounded by beautiful women. You need your eyes checked, boy?" Fin was trying to cover Elliot's butt, without much success. Elliot looked at Fin for a minute and then his eyebrows raised and his mouth opened like a light bulb came on in his brain.

"Well, of course, Fin, I meant besides my beautiful wife." He put an arm around Kathy's chair and leaned in, kissing her on the cheek. She was as still as a statue but did attempt to smile when she looked at him.

Leaning across the table, he turned his attention back to Liv. "If Deano here, doesn't mind, how about you and me having a dance. What'd you say, Liv? You are my partner, you know?"

There was a smirk on his face and she hoped Dean would tell him no. She realized that everyone else could not see just how drunk he was, they probably thought he had one too many, but she knew he was already drunk.

"Whether or not Liv dances with you, Stabler, is her decision." He smiled at Elliot and then Olivia, she tried to send him a message via her eyes, but Dean could not hear the words in her eyes like Elliot.

What is wrong with him, she thought. Can't he see something is amiss, here? He's trained to see things others can't or don't. She could feel the sting of the daggers Kathy's eyes were sending her and her mind failed her as to how to graciously turn him down. Everyone's eyes were still burning holes into her when she finally came up with a good response.

"Elliot, I would be delighted to dance with you, but I haven't seen you and Kathy dance and your first dance should go to your wife, don't you agree? " She smiled so sweetly at him and then Kathy.

In a split second, his eyes turned from twinkling bright blue to stormy midnight and she knew he was furious with her. But he turned to Kathy, with his infamous Stabler grin and asked, "Darling, may I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Kathy, more to avoid further embarrassment, than out of a true desire to dance with her husband said, "Of course, honey." He took her hand, his eyes locked with Olivia's, as he led his wife to the dance floor.

Dean knew just what was going on and he had no desire to help Olivia out with the situation. Rather, it was his intent to play along and see just what Stabler would do and say and how Olivia would react. He felt there was quite a bit to learn about that connection between Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler that was legendary around the NYPD.

After a reasonable amount of time had passed, Olivia made her getaway. "If you will excuse me, I'm going to the ladies room." Olivia said, standing and already pushing her chair under the table.

Casey followed her. "I'll go with you."

- - - - - - - - - - -

"Casey, he is drunk. And he can be mean when he's drunk. What am I going to do?" Liv was pacing in the sitting area of the ladies room, barely whispering because the place was crawling with cops.

"He is beginning to unravel, Liv. I think the quicker you and Dean can get out of here, the better chance there will be that this evening won't turn into a complete mess."

"How can we bow out early? Cragen will have my butt." She dragged her hands through her hair and let out a deep breath.

"Cragen knows, right? About you two? He can see what is going on...he'll understand. And we've been here almost three hours."

"Can you believe he asked to dance with me at all, but especially before dancing with Kathy? Olivia ran her hands through her hair and looked at Casey.

"I can't believe he told you were gorgeous and the most beautiful woman in the place in front of Kathy!!" Casey was shaking her head.

"What?! I'm not?" Trying to lighten the mood that had fallen between them. She sighed. "Yea, me either."

Before Casey could say anything else, another voice came from behind them.

"Thank you for letting me dance with my husband, Olivia." Kathy had come in to the sitting area and she was not whispering. "How thoughtful of you to offer me the first dance."

"K-Kathy...I didn't mean..." She tried to answer but Kathy cut her off.

"So, is she helping you plot new ways to entice my husband? Why can't you be satisfied that you have a nice, attractive, single man interested in you and leave Elliot alone?" She emphasize 'single' and her voice was dripping with anger, her eyes still shooting those daggers.

"Kathy...I am not..." Olivia began.

"Save it, Olivia. I am not stupid. I see the looks between the two of you...how you talk with your eyes." She made the quote sign as she said 'talk'. "He thinks I don't see how he can't keep his eyes off of you. He thinks you are gorgeous and the most beautiful woman in the place so why would he be able to tear his eyes from you!" She was extremely upset.

"Look, there is nothing..." Olivia tried to explain.

"Nothing going on between the two of you? Oh, I have been hearing that one for almost nine years, now. What's the matter Olivia? Is a married man safer because then you don't have to make a commitment, you don't have to be with just one person?" Kathy's words exuded contempt.

"Kathy, please, just listen to..." She could not get a word in edgewise.

"Elliot told me how you have never really had a long term relationship with anyone. That your dates rarely hang around longer than a few weeks. That mostly they are one night stands. That is how you like it. Is that how you like it? No-strings attached sex?" Arms folded across her chest, her glare was hard and unwavering.

Olivia's heart was pounding so hard it made the blood roar in her ears. A headache was beginning to split her head in two and her was breathing extremely rapid and shallow. She did not know what made her more angry. Elliot telling Kathy about her personal life and basically, making her sound like slut or Kathy having the nerve to stand here in a public restroom and throw all this in her face.

She knew the words that were about to come from her mouth should remain there, but she only had so much self control. And it was gone. In light of what Kathy had just said to her, there was no holding back the retaliation, the verbal weaponry she was about to unleash upon her partner's irritating, whining wife.

"At least I haven't gotten pregnant to get a man...or to keep one." She emphasized the words 'get' and 'keep'. When she spoke, it was in a very calm manner, though every word was coated in ice.

The loud crack Olivia heard preceded the pain she felt by, perhaps, a half second. Kathy had slapped her so quickly and so hard, she had no time to defend herself. Kathy turned and ran from the room.

"Oh, my goodness, Liv!" Casey was dumbfounded. "Are you all right?"

"Yea." Tears were stinging her eyes as she rubbed her cheek with her hand.

Once she made sure Liv was okay and had gotten her some wet paper towels to cool the imprint of Kathy's hand, she started laughing. Nearly doubled over laughing.

"That was probably the best, most appropriate, knife-twisting comeback I think I have ever heard!"

Olivia laughed, too, but inside she really felt ashamed for what she had said and she knew when Elliot found out, she would catch the brunt of his fury.

"Casey, would you mind getting Dean? Tell him I am not feeling well, anything, and ask him to say goodbye for me..."

"Okay. Sure, I'll come up with something." She hugged Liv. "It will all work out. Call me later."

"I'll wait out in the lobby." Liv said as she opened the door and they walked out together.

- - - - - - - - - - -

When Kathy and Elliot had quit dancing, she told him she needed to go to the ladies room. He was waiting in the lobby for her, but somehow he missed her running out crying after the incident with Olivia. He was still waiting when he saw Casey and Olivia come out and part ways. He was trying to decide if he could get away with talking to Olivia while waiting for Kathy, when he noticed she was holding what appeared to be a paper towel to her left cheek, curiosity made the decision for him.

"Liv? You okay?" Though his voice was soft and she heard the concern, she was startled by his close proximity.

"Elliot. Wh..wh..where's Kathy?" She had taken the paper towel away from her face and tried to stay turned so he could not see her cheek.

"Restroom. Waiting for her." His words were just a bit slurred, but his manner did not give a hint that he was still intoxicated.

"Why were you holding that paper towel to your..." His fingers gently cupped her chin, turning her face toward him. "Oh, dear Lord! Olivia, who did this? What happened?" He had a look of disbelief that quickly turned to anger as he survey the imprints of Kathy's fingers that were clearly stamped upon her face.

"Nothing...just leave me alone. Go back to the table. To Kathy." She was blinking hard to hold back the tears welling in her eyes.

Then it hit him. "Kathy did this?" It was a question, but he already knew the answer.

"I..I...d-deserved it, after what I said." The tears were falling freely now, he pulled her to a quiet hallway just off the lobby.

"No. You did not deserve this. What did you say?" He was clearly upset.

"She told me that you told her that I couldn't keep a man past a few weeks, that I never had a long term relationship and that most of my dates were one night stands. You made me sound like a slut, Elliot!" She was crying now.

"No. No. Liv I did not say those things...at least not like that...not the way she made them sound. I told her most of your dates were one or two times. Not that they were one night stands. Oh, Liv. I am so sorry. I can see why you are so upset." He had his hands on her arms near her shoulders.

"I'm more upset by what I said to her." She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"What did you say?" He still held her as he looked intently into her eyes.

"'At least I haven't gotten pregnant to get a man...or keep one.'" It was barely a whisper.

She watched as the color drained from his face and she steeled herself for the onslaught of his rage she knew was about to visit her. But then suddenly, he started laughing.

"This is so screwed up. I am so screwed up. Liv, what are we going to do? My wife slapped you and I am on your side. I am going nuts seeing you with Porter..."

"Elliot, don't. Let's not talk about all of this...not now...okay..."

He pulled her to him in a hug, but she tried to push him away. "Please, don't touch me. Leave me alone."

Pulling away from him at last, she started down the hallway. He ran to catch up with her and grabbed her elbow, turning her around to him. "Olivia, wait. Please, I asked you to wait and you are all over Porter and letting him touch you and kiss right here in front of the whole NYPD and..."

She jerked away from him. "Not here. Not now. Don't touch me, Elliot! Just leave me alone!"

Just as he grabbed her again, Dean came into the hallway. "I believe the lady said to 'not touch her and to leave her alone." He protectively pulled Liv up to him as he spoke to Elliot.

"This is none of your business, Porter." Elliot's anger was bubbling just below the surface.

"That's just one thing you are mistaken about, Stabler. It is my business. She is my date, not yours. That's another thing you are mistaken about. She's single. You are not. That is yet another thing you seem to be mistaken about. Need I go on." His voice was as quiet as it was menacing.

Elliot just stood there glaring at him. Porter then looked down at Olivia. "Are you okay?" Just as he asked he noticed the imprint of a hand upon her face. He turned her face to him and examined the marks.

Before she could answer, he had grabbed Elliot by a fistful of his shirt, jacket and tie and was about to punch him, when Olivia jumped between them grabbing Dean's arm with one hand and pushing Elliot back with the other.

"Stabler, you are gonna wish you never laid a hand on her! I will tear you limb for limb!" Dean's voice was a roar.

"No! He did not do this! No! Dean! Let him go!" She begged, fear in her eyes as well as her voice.

He finally relinquished his hold on Elliot, and Elliot backed off. Olivia was trembling and looking back and forth between the two men.

"Dean, please, can we just go? I'll explain everything to you."

Elliot and Dean glared at each other, as Olivia took Dean by the arm. Liv glanced at Elliot and tried to smile. His nod was almost imperceptible. They got their coats and left the New Yorker Hotel.

- - - - - - - - - -

Elliot had known that this argument was coming. From the time he complimented Olivia and asked for a dance he knew it was coming. When he got back to the table and saw Kathy, he could tell she had been crying, he knew it was going to be a bad one, maybe one of their worst. Furious did not even begin to describe Kathy Stabler at the moment. As deathly quiet as the ride home from the Christmas party had been, the chaos of the kitchen was the direct opposite. She was storming around their kitchen opening and slamming drawers and cabinets as she emptied the dishwasher. Throwing dishes in the cabinets so hard, it was a wonder they did not break.

"I knew I should not have gone! How could you do that to me, Elliot?" She was near tears.

"Kathy, I had too much to drink...I knew I had too much...it's all my fault." He was trying to calm her down because he really did not want to have this conversation right now. He wanted to wait until after Christmas, after the first of the year.

"It's your fault, all right. If you had left SVU years ago when I begged you, we would not be in this position."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He snapped.

"You would never have been partnered with Olivia Benson. That is when all our trouble started!" She was yelling now.

"Kathy, you know that is not true! We were fighting way before Olivia came along!" He could yell, too, if needed.

"Well, she made things worse!" Kathy held a bowl in her hand and he thought she might throw it.

"How did she make things worse?" He could not believe this was happening.

"After she started throwing herself at you!" She screamed at him.

"She has never thrown herself at me. Kathy, where do you come up with this stuff?"

"You told her she was gorgeous, the most beautiful woman in the room and you ask me where I come up with this stuff?" Her laugh made him shudder.

"Kathy, I told you I was drunk..." He wished she would accept that as the excuse for all of this.

"Just because you are drunk, does not mean you are blind, Elliot Stabler!"

"Please, Kathy, just..." He was weary of the argument.

"Can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel something for her? Can you?"

"Of course, I care about her, she's my..."

"She's your partner. Your best friend. I am so sick of hearing that! I'm your wife, Elliot! I'm suppose to be your best friend!!" She hissed as she turned her glare on him.

"You know, what? Maybe if you ever tried talking to me instead of yelling about every thing, maybe we could be friends!" His eyes narrowed and he shook his finger in her face.

"That is not fair! You are the one who shut me out. Telling me you could not bear to tell me the things you see and deal with every day. You quit talking to me a long time ago."

"Did we ever really talk, Kathy? Did we?"

"Well, we certainly didn't talk after you starting talking to Olivia about everything!"

"I told you a million times, I cannot tell you about the things we deal with...I just can't."

"Why couldn't you have transferred to another unit where you could have been home more?"

"Why can't you understand I have to do it? I have to get these sickos off the streets. Why can't you see that? And I was...I am home as much as I can be."

"It's wasn't enough, Elliot! It still is not enough!! I want you to transfer out. Out of SVU and away from Olivia Benson!"

"No! SVU is part of me. I can't give it up. I won't give it up! Liv is the best partner I have ever had and SVU is in my blood!"

"SVU is not the only thing in your blood, Elliot. Olivia Benson is in your blood, too. I see how you look at her and how she looks at you. I am not stupid! You can sit there and tell there is nothing going on, but I know better!"

"Kathy, I swear to you, I have never been with Olivia..."

"You know, Elliot, an affair does not necessarily mean sex is involved. An emotional affair is just as bad. Worse, maybe. If there wasn't something between the two of you, you wouldn't be so quick to defend her over me, your wife."

"Defend her? When did I defend her?" The veins in his neck pulsated with anger.

"You always defend her! The other day, you were so angry when I called her a slut and tonight when I told you what she said to me, you told me she should have slapped me. That's defending her, taking her side."

"You did say some pretty nasty things to her and twisted around what I told you to make it sound like I called her those things. She is nothing like you want to make her out to be"

"You don't think what she said about me getting pregnant was pretty nasty?"

"If the shoe fits..."

"How dare you! How could you ever say anything like that? Believe that?"

She came at him, trying to hit him with her fists. He caught her wrists, turned her around so her back was to his stomach, crossing her arms around her, he whispered in her ear. "Look at us, Kathy. Is this how you want to live? I can not take this anymore. I know it is not what I want. I don't want this for E.J. either, do you?"

"What are you saying, Elliot?" Her voice was suddenly quiet.

He was trying to put the thoughts in his head in order before he began to tell her what he had hoped to put off until the first of the year. As he opened his mouth to speak, another voice spoke instead.

"Mom? Dad?" Kathleen stood in the entrance between the living room and kitchen wearing blue flannel pajama bottoms and a white, long-sleeved, thermal shirt.

Elliot let go of Kathy and crossed the room to Kathleen. She backed up a step and held her hands out in front of her to stop him.

"Don't." She was looking back and forth between her parents.

"Daddy, why did you come home? Was it just because of the baby? Is that why you let him come home, Mom?"

"Baby, your Mom and I have a commitment to you kids and..." Elliot trailed off, looking at Kathy.

"Kathleen, honey, it's more complicated than just the baby." Kathy did not know how to explain it all to her.

"No. No. It's not complicated at all. If you loved Daddy, you would understand him. You wouldn't keep asking him to give up a job he loves." She turned to Elliot. "If you really loved Mom, you would want to be with her and spend time with her. Talk to her. If you loved each other like you should, you wouldn't be fighting all the time. Arguing about everything. Yelling and screaming and...and...making life for everyone else a living hell!

"Kathleen, watch your language, young lady..." Kathy warned.

"When you left Daddy, I was so mad at you, Mom. But then after a while, it got better. You were happier and spent time doing fun things with us and you smiled more. Daddy, I wanted you to be what Mom needed, but you weren't. I think I hated you for awhile. With you gone, it was quiet and peaceful..and the pain in my stomach went away. I missed you being here, but not all the fighting. Dad, you seemed calmer when you weren't living at home. And we saw you more after you moved out...and I want my parents together. But not like this. If you love each other, then do something to work this out...but if you can't, please don't stay together because of us kids...especially not because of E.J. Maybe he can have a more peaceful childhood."

"Kathleen..." Elliot started to speak.

"No...no, I'm not finished. Mom I heard you saying all that stuff about Olivia. I didn't like her for a long time either. I thought she was why you and Dad split up. But after Maureen and I talked..."

"You and Maureen? What did you talk about?" Kathy asked, a puzzled look on her face.

"After Maureen and I talked, she made me realize that you and Dad had fought like this when we were really little...before he even knew Olivia...you can't blame her, Mom. Maybe she didn't help things but she didn't cause all this with you and Dad. Maur told me things Olivia had done to try to get Dad to make things better with you. And she and Dad are not together...not like you think...Olivia would never do that and Daddy wouldn't either. But, Dad, if you do care about her like Maureen thinks, you have to decide what to do, because this is not good for any one involved. Mom you can't want someone that doesn't want you...you deserve to be happy, too. We all do. I never thought I would say this or want it but maybe it's time to let each other go."

Her parents stared at her and then each other. Neither knowing what to say.

"I'll be moving out next year when I transfer to Columbia. But don't make the E.J. and the twins have to keep living like this. Please?"

Kathleen stared at her parents, then silently went back up the stairs to her bedroom.

- - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Hope you like this chapter. The next one is really good, IMO. Keep those reviews coming. We are nearing the finish...maybe...kind of hard for me tell how many more chapters there will be...but I am beginning to see the end. You guys blow me away with your reviews. Thanks. ") Bensler


	19. Ruins

**Chapter 19 - Ruins**

**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!! **_Hope everyone had a safe and good New Years Eve. Will this be the year that Olivia and Elliot will finally declare their feelings for one another?? I sure _hope_ so, on NBC...but I _know_ so, right here! Thanks for the reviews. They make me want to keep on writing! " ) Bensler_

**downsouthrider: **_The papers are filled with acts of violence because of someone's jealousy or unrequited love...they are powerful emotions that can take an average, normal person and make them do things, say things totally 'out of character'. When someone goes berserk, what do you almost always hear...they were so friendly, such a nice person, never would have dreamed they could this...and on and on. Why? Something drove them to do something they normally would not...totally 'out of character' for them. Elliot even said it in "Burned", sitting on the steps with Liv... _'When love warps into hate, there's no telling what someone will do.' _This is true for love and jealousy, as well. This is a fictional story about characters that are already fictional and the writer can make them do and say whatever the writer pleases. The reader is free to read it or not read it. Sorry you don't like the story, but you are apparently in the minority. _

_P.S. Even NBC goes totally OOC at times. IMO, there is no way Elliot would not have been worried and upset about Olivia and her well being in the aftermath of that bomb with her name on it. And he would have been checking her over and making sure she went for medical help after being slashed on the arm by the looney comic book writer! And one, ten second hug after a horrendous car accident? Not even asking her how she is? Please!!_

**BiggestSVUFAN** _Thanks for the chapter name recommendations...I was running out of 'R' words...took one of yours! " ) _

_- - - - - - - - - - - _

Olivia invited him up to her apartment. She made coffee for them and they were sitting side by side on her couch, she in a corner and he about six inches from her. She had kicked her shoes off and was sitting with her legs curled up underneath her, coffee mug in hand. Dean's jacket was hanging up, along with his tie and he had unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. He was leaning back with his head on the cushion of the couch. She had kept her promise and explained everything to Dean. Even telling him what she had said to Kathy to provoke her. He thought this would be as good a time as any to bring up some of the questions he had about hers and Elliot's relationship and to let her know what he had found out about the phantom case. But when he tried to talk, she put her mug on the table beside her and placed a finger over his lips to quiet him. Moving closer she unbuttoned two more buttons on his shirt giving her the access she wanted. She slid her hand inside and began circular motions while she played with the hair on this chest. Then she moved her other hand to the back of his neck and pulled him down into a tender but demanding kiss. She broke the kiss and then traveled up his jaw line to his ear, coving the trail in small kisses.

"Stay with me tonight." She whispered her mouth at his ear.

- - - - - - - -

Something caused her to wake with a start. Checking the clock on her beside table, she saw it was 5:47 a.m. Must have been a bad dream, though she could not remember one. She closed her eyes, not ready to get up and face the day.

Dean was snoring lightly beside her, his arm wrapped around her stomach. She heard a noise. This time she suddenly realized someone was knocking at her door. No. Please, no. It could only be one person at this time of the morning. Unannounced. As gently as she could, she extricated herself from Dean, moving slowly off the bed so as not to wake him. She found her robe, closed the bedroom door behind her and put the robe on as she went into the living room. Tying the belt of the robe around her, she peeked through the hole in the door. There he stood. Dragging her hands through her hair, she rolled her eyes, took several deep breaths and opened the door.

Elliot just stood there and so did she. He had on tennis shoes, navy blue sweat pants, gray sweatshirt, black leather jacket and a red knit cap. He looked like he had not slept or if he had, it was not enough. His eyes were rimmed in red and the stubble on his face caused dark shadows. His cheeks were red from the cold and his lips were chapped.

"Hey." He finally said, looking her over. Her hair was mussed and her make-up smudged. She had on a short, black, silk robe that came mid-thigh, her long legs bare, the red of her toenails a stark contrast with her tanned skin. He could not help but think she should wear something warmer on such a cold night, though he appreciated the scenery.

"What are you doing here? It's not even six o'clock in the morning." She whispered with a hiss. Glancing behind her at her bedroom door. She kept the front door open only about a foot

"I need to talk to you, Liv." He reached out to touch her face.

She pulled his hand down. "Now is not a good time, Elliot."

"Please, I've got to talk to you, we...please let me in." He tried to push the door further open. She held it tightly, looking over her shoulder toward her bedroom.

"Elliot! I told you now is not a good time." It was hard to be forceful when you were trying to be quiet.

"Liv, just let me in...I won't be long..." His voice was becoming louder, more insistent.

"No...look...I'll...I'll meet you somewhere...we can have breakfast...7:00? At the diner?" Please, she thought to herself, just say yes, and go. Just go! That would give her time to get rid of Dean and shower and get dressed.

"I'm not hungry. I don't want breakfast. I just want for us to ..." He was insistent about her letting him inside.

"Well, I am hungry. Please, go. I'll meet you there in about an hour, okay?" She did not take her eyes from his.

"Why can't we talk here...it would be more private?"

She was starting to get nervous, now. He was becoming louder and she knew it would be a matter of time before Dean heard them.

"Elliot, please..."

"Well...I guess..."

She thought he was about to decide to do as she asked and go to the diner, but he took a moment too long to decide. She had become so tensed up, she did not hear the bedroom door open or sense Dean come up behind her. The first she realized he was there was when she heard his voice. She closed her eyes, sighed deeply, and waited for the battle to begin.

"Liv, everything okay, baby? I thought I heard you talking to someone..." He asked as he came up and slipped an arm around her stomach. The only clothing he had on was a wife beater and boxers.

Elliot heard the voice before he saw who it belonged to...not that he had to see him to know it was Dean. It was simply amazing the number of thoughts your brain could process in a few short seconds. In those few seconds it took for Dean to come into view, Elliot realized why Liv told him now was not a good time and why she kept looking over her shoulder and why she wanted to meet him somewhere. Dean Porter had stayed at her place, in her bed, he had been kissing her...touching her...

He could not help it. He did not even attempt to contain the fury that gripped him and ran through his body like it was his blood. He did not even try to tame the wrath that was about to rain down in the midst of them. He did not want to quell the rumbling of the anger welling up within him before it exploded full force into the face of Dean Porter, Special-Agent-in-Charge, FBI.

"You son of a ..." His fist connected with Porter's face with a mighty crack. He finally did what he had been wanting to do since the first time he ever laid eyes on Dean Porter.

Porter reeled from the blow, blood pouring from his nose, but was not knocked down, which surprised Elliot. He must be in better shape than he thought, because Elliot knew he had hit him hard.

"Stabler, you don't know how long I have been waiting for this..." Porter was on Elliot so quickly, he had only enough time to barely deflect the blow. It still hit Elliot hard enough to split his lip and send blood coursing through his mouth and down his chin.

"Elliot! Don't!! Please!! Stop!! Dean!! Don't hit him again!! Both of you!! Please, don't do this!!" Olivia was screaming and trying to get between them without getting hit herself. She was very strong, physically, for a woman, but she was no match for two angry men.

They each got in two or three more blows, before Olivia finally pushed her way between them and held them at bay.

"Stop. Both of you. Please no more fighting." She pleaded with them.

The door to the apartment across from Olivia, opened and a very well built man, in his late thirties, stepped out. "Liv, is everything okay? You okay?" He looked Dean and Elliot up and down. "Do you want me to get rid of these jokers?" He asked Liv.

"How about you mind your own business?" Porter glared at him, wiping blood from his nose.

"Just who do you think you are?" Elliot, clenching and unclenching his fists, was ready to deck him..

"I'm fine, Grant. Fine. And I think everything is under control now. Thanks...I...I appreciate your offer." She smiled and nodded at him.

"If you need me, just knock...or holler. I'm right here." He smiled at her, gave Dean and Elliot a menacing look and went back inside.

"Tell him to leave, Olivia." Elliot's voice was harsh and demanding, his breathing ragged, his eyes narrow slits of blue fire as he looked from her to Porter.

"Elliot..." She was torn between the two of them. She wanted to be able to talk to Elliot but she did not want to make Dean angry.

"If anyone is leaving, Stabler, it's you!" Dean was glaring at him, his hands still fisted, ready to go at it again any minute.

His glare was now locked on Olivia. He ignored Dean. "Olivia. Tell him to leave. Now." Each word was emphasized this time as he said them.

"Olivia..." His voice was scratchy, rough, full of emotions he barely had a grasp on anymore.

Looking into his seething midnight blue eyes, she could not say anything. She held his eyes with hers, trying to tell him what she needed to tell him, but for the first time, he could not hear her soundless words. She shook her head back and forth, slightly. He held her gaze for just a moment longer, turned on his heels and ran from the apartment. She heard his footsteps echo in the stairway.

"Who the hell does he think..."

"Shut up! Just don't say anything!" She snapped.

Dean tried to hug her when she turned back into her apartment. She just looked at him and pushed him away. She ran to her bedroom and started grabbing clothes from her dresser.

"Olivia, are you okay? Did he hurt you?"

No answer. She glared at him.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked, as she pulled on her jeans.

No answer.

"You're going after him? You gotta be kidding me!" He stood there as she put on a sweatshirt, not realizing it was one of Elliot's he had left at her place, back when they used to meet and for morning runs, or get a pizza and come back to her place to watch a movie. Back when they were still things were still good between them.

No answer.

"No way. You are not going to follow him. I won't let you." She tied her shoes and pulled on her thick, black, down coat.

Her laugh was a humorless sound. "I don't recall asking your permission."

"Olivia...Liv...please, don't go." His voice was resigned now, the surprise and shock gone.

"He's my partner. My best friend." She finally spoke, her eyes asked Dean to understand. He did not. She was walking toward the door when he called her name.

"Olivia..." He said her name but no more.

She stopped, her back still to him. "You walk out that door, Olivia...I won't be here when you get back." He spoke softly, but she knew he meant it.

She had no words. She turned to face him. Their eyes locked for several seconds and she thought she may be about to make the biggest mistake, yet, in her life, but she had to go to Elliot. He needed her. She needed him. She had to fix him. That's what they did...they fixed each other.

She walked out the still open door and looking at Dean one more time, she closed it behind her.

- - - - - - - - - -

She was not positive but she thought Elliot probably had headed for the precinct. Since it was a Sunday and two days before Christmas, there would be only a skeleton crew around. She decided to check a couple of places along the way, just in case. The diner only had a handful of people and Elliot was not among them. He was not at Denny's either. Fortunately, it was too early for any bars to be open because she knew that would be his number one choice as upset as he was when he left the apartment. So, she kept on the path to the house. Entering the building, she pulled her badge and I.D. to show to the desk sergeant. She knew most of the day people and rarely ever had to show her badge or I.D., but some of the ones on night shift she had never even met. She showed Sergeant Ferrelli, according to his tag, her badge and I.D. and went through the metal detector. As she exited, he spoke to her.

"Well, Detective Benson. Thought that was you. Seen you around and your picture in the paper from time to time. Sergeant Ferrelli. Pleased to meet you." They shook hands.

"You as well." She smiled, thinking this was a little odd. Most of the officers on at the front desk barely grunted let alone bothered to introduce themselves. She started down the hallway to the elevator bay.

"So, did that suit ever find out what he needed to about that case?" He asked.

"Excuse me?" She turned and came back, her curiosity peeked. Suit was local police slang for FBI agents.

"Yea...one night this week some fibbie came by asking about a case that SVU had."

"SVU?" She was puzzled.

"Yea. He specifically wanted to know if you and...uh...Stabler were on it. Told him there wasn't no case."

"Oh." Puzzle pieces were sliding into place. "What was this agent's name?"

"Uh...Carter?...nah...Morton?..." He was lost in thought.

"Porter?" She said, helping him out.

"Yea! That's it Porter. David...no...no.. Dean...Dean Porter. So I guess you guys hooked up then, huh?" He was proud that he remember his first name.

"Yes. I suppose you could say that. Do you remember which night?" Had to have been the night of the dinner because he was out of town the rest of the week. she may have been smiling on the outside at Sgt. Ferrelli, but on the inside the anger and fury was brewing. God help Dean Porter.

"Sure. It was Tuesday night. Came in around midnight. My shift started at 11:00...it was my first day at work this week."

Right after he dropped me off, he came by here to check out whether or not Elliot and I really had a case. Son of a ... "Thank you, Sergeant Ferrelli. Appreciate the info." She started to leave, but turned around again. "Uh...has Detective Stabler come in today?"

"Matter of fact, yea. Been about twenty minutes or so."

"Thanks, again." She was so mad, she could barely see straight.

She could not wait to get a hold of Dean Porter and give him a piece of her mind. She was absolutely livid that he would go behind her back and check up on her and Elliot. Of course, yes, they had been lying, and truth be known, she still did not know why Elliot lied or what she helped him cover up. But is was none of Dean's business. If he could not trust her, then they certainly had no basis for a relationship. Any thing they may have had was now in ruins And she had gone and slept with him! If she had know about this before, last night would have never happened! Never!

She angrily punched at the third floor button on the elevator until the doors shut. She knew it did not make the elevator door close any quicker, but it sure made her feel better because every punch was a symbolic one to Dean Porter's face. If he thought Elliot packed a wild punch, well, he has not seen anything until she is through with him!

- - - - - - - - - - -

There was no sign of Elliot in the squad room. His desk looked untouched. He was not in either of the file rooms. That left the work-out room, locker room or the crib. She decided to check the work out room first. Before she even got to the door, she could hear the sound of the punching bag being hit and Elliot's grunt each time his fist connected with it. He did not hear her open the door, so she leaned against the frame and watched him for several minutes. He still had on his sweat pants, but had stripped down to his bare chest. She could not help but admire him, the way his muscles tightened and flexed and rippled as he pummeled that bag for all he was worth. He was very cut and very sexy. She was relieved he was taking some of his frustrations out on the bag. That was good. Let him get some of that anger and nervous energy out of his system. Maybe he would be able to carry on a civil conversation. She almost laughed out loud at that thought...she could not remember them having a civil conversation in the last two years.

"So...is that Dean or me you're hitting?" She asked, still leaning on the doorframe.

He grabbed the bag and held it when it swung back to him and leaned his forehead against it for about half a minute. Ignoring her, he let it go and punched it five more times.

"What are you doing here?" He was huffing and puffing.

"Came to see about you." She kept looking at him, but he avoided her eyes.

"Surprised Porter gave you permission." He was being sarcastic, now.

"I don't need anyone's permission for anything. You know me better than that, Elliot." He was beginning to irritate her.

"Yea. I do." He held the bag again, this time he looked at her. Even with her hair unbrushed, smeared make-up, wearing jeans, an oversized sweatshirt...his sweatshirt...he thought he had lost that one...and that huge, puffy coat of hers, she was so pretty, so attractive. How could she pull that off, he wondered. His sweatshirt?

"You never answered my question...who are you hitting?"

"Someone different every time." He was out of breath and dripping with sweat, as he held the bag with one arm.

"Oh." She raised her eyebrows in surprise. Her eyes followed drops of sweat rolling from his neck down his hard chest and rippled abs of his stomach, to disappear into the fabric of his sweats around his waist.

"Porter...Kathy...you...me." He started swinging again.

"Is it helping?" She wished she had a magic wand to wave and fix every thing.

"No." He stopped the bag, let go of it holding it still for a second and started taking off his gloves. "I'm gonna get a quick shower, okay?"

"I'll wait." She moved out the doorway.

As he passed by her, she got a good look at the injuries Dean's fist had inflicted. She put a hand to his arm, stopping him.

His lip was swollen and split on the left side. There was still a bit of blood seeping from it. Several red abrasions covered his cheek and to the outer side, just below his left eye, which was slightly swollen, was a deeper abrasion and the stain of purple. Most likely he would have a black eye by morning.

"Oh, Elliot." Before she could think better of it, her hand reached out on its own accord and touched his face, caressing the wounds.

Her grabbed her hand pulling it away from his face and to his chest, his eyes drilling into hers. His touch did things to her that no one else's had ever done. It was always like a fire being released in and upon her being, her body. Even with the slightest, most innocent touch. When had this started? This fire? Maybe it was always like this and somehow they both knew that intuitively. That must be why they had the unspoken rule between them that they never touched.

He released her hand. "How's Porter look?" His eyes did not leave her face. He could still feel the trail her fingers had made from his eye and cheek to his lips. The burning sensation made him forget about the pain from Porter's fist.

"Don't know. Didn't take time to check." She scanned his face, barely meeting his eyes.

The narrowing of his eyes was his only reaction. He turned and headed for the shower. She followed behind him and went to sit on the bench in front of their lockers. She was getting too warm with the sweatshirt and coat so she took off her coat and laid it on the bench beside her. That was when she realized she had on one of Elliot's sweatshirts. He had on double layers one day last winter when they had met for an early morning run. They came to her place with bagels and coffee for breakfast. He took off the top sweatshirt and forgot it when he left. It was in the stack of her own and she did not even remember she still had it.

She could not help but remember the last time they had been in there together. Monday afternoon. Not even a week ago and so much had happened since then it seemed like it six months should have passed.

Barely five minutes later, he came out of the shower, with just a towel wrapped around him. She tried not to look him over, but was quite unsuccessful. She forced herself not to let her mind wander.

He had somewhat of a sheepish look on his face. "Sorry, forgot to get clean clothes out of my locker before..."

She just raised her eyebrows and nodded. Since she was sitting in front of their lockers, he had to come right up to her to get in his. She watched the muscles in his back and arms ripple as he worked the combination on the lock, opened the door and got clean clothing. He headed back for the shower room and she watched him the whole way. All that working out he did, sure pays off, she thought.

Minutes later he was back, fully dressed this time in gray sweat pants and the same gray sweat shirt he's had on earlier. He came and sat on the bench across from her.

"Nice sweatshirt." He was teasing, trying to lighten things up a bit.

"Thanks. You can borrow it sometime, if you want." She smiled and he did, too.

"So..." His smile faded and he looked down and started playing with the drawstring on his pants.

"So...you came to my place and said you needed to talk...so...let's talk."

"You let Porter spend..." He looked up at her, the hurt clearly registered in his eyes.

"No." She quickly interrupted him. "We are not discussing my personal life. None of your business. You didn't know he was there when you came by, so I know that is not what you wanted to talk about." Her voice was firm and he knew better than to push it.

He sighed, ran his fingers over his face and clasped his hand on the back of his neck. "Kathy and I had a really big fight."

"About..." She did not want to have to drag everything out of him.

"Tonight, mostly. She was torqued that I got drunk and embarrassed her...that I said you were the most beautiful woman there, mad that I wanted to dance with you, ticked that I couldn't quit looking at you...and when she told me what you said and that was why she slapped you...well, she got mad because I told her you should have slapped her for what she said."

"I'm sorry...I just lost all control...I really do feel bad for what I said..." She lowered her eyes.

"Nothing to be sorry about. Liv, I..." He could only see the top of head. He needed her eyes so he would know what she was feeling, thinking.

He stood up and hauled her up to him. She tried to pull away but he held her. "Liv, I want to be with you...I want us."

Her eyes held the same mix of confusion, despair, love that he knew she saw in his. Only he was not so confused anymore. He had made his decision. It was just going to take some time to work it all out.

"Elliot, no. Please. Don't st-start this again...okay...I can...can not do this..." The blood rushed to her head, like a mighty wind.

"What can't you do? Tell me." He could feel her body starting to tremble.

"I am not doing this...Elliot, you're married..." She was quickly losing ground.

"Not for much longer." His words, though soft, struck her heart with such force, she thought it skipped a beat.

"What? What do mean?" She still tried to pull away, he still held her tightly.

"We talked...Kathy and me...we...we can't keep living like we are...Kathleen told us to make it right or let each other go. She's right." He was looking at her, with a very slight smile on his face.

"That doesn't change the fact that you are still married...I won't let you do this...I won't let us do this..."She trailed off, finding it required too much effort to form words, much less speak them.

"What are we doing, Liv?" His voice was low, soothing.

She tried to pull away again but his arms were wrapped tightly around her and she was unable to put any space between them. She was terrified. But all she could think of was how this fear was so different from the fear she felt with him in this very room not even a week ago. He had trapped her, then, against the lockers, between his arms. Trapped her with his fury, his rage. She had been afraid he was going to raise his hand to hit her, destroying everything between them. Their partnership. Their friendship. Their future. Now, he had trapped her in his arms, holding her against his body. Trapped her with his need, his desire, his love. She was afraid he was going to kiss her, possibly still destroying those very things, anyway. Truthfully, she was not sure which would cause more damage and leave more debris across the landscape of her heart. Nor was she sure she would ever find a way out of the ruins of that damage.

"I shouldn't have to tell you..." Breathing was becoming more and more difficult with each passing second.

"You're right...because I already know. I know you, Liv and I know you feel the same thing I do." His right hand slid up her back to tangle in the hair at the back of her neck, massaging her neck. "You don't know where you start and I begin. Do you?" His lips were so close to hers now that she felt them barely touch as he spoke.

He was so close to her, so close. She swallowed hard, her throat dry. "No." It was the smallest of whispers, in a voice she had never heard...a voice she did not recognize as her own.

As though someone hit the pause button of her life, she became suspended in time, frozen. She could not move, think, breathe, speak. The only thing she could do was feel. The warmth of his body against hers; the beating of her heart, of his; the ripple of his back as her hands held him; his left hand on her back keeping her pulled up to him; his right brushing hair from her face, caressing her cheek, her neck; his breath on her face, hot, with the faint smell of mint; and finally, at last, his lips rough yet soft as they gently found hers. The kiss was so tender, so gentle. She had melted into him, leaving no space between them. She felt the tears sting her eyes and overflow, cascading down her cheeks. She was being kissed by Elliot Stabler, her partner, her best friend, her whatever he was to her and she was powerless to stop him.

She did not want to stop him. She pulled her arms from his back and stretched them around his neck and the back of his head pulling him even closer to her. She found herself kissing him back, as he had kissed her at first. Tender, gentle, questioning, but then she felt herself being consumed by all the emotions, the feelings she had pent up for almost nine years. She took control and began to deepen the kiss, becoming demanding, insistent, possessive, rough even. She was vaguely aware of being surprised that he allowed her the control. No sooner than she thought this, he began to return the kiss it in like manner, exploring, dominating and finally taking control from her once again. His thumbs wiping her tears away even as his own mingled with hers; his hands now cupping her face and bringing her as close as he could, his hands now tangled in her hair, his lips crashing with hers. It drained the energy from every crevice of her heart, her mind, her body, her soul. Never had she been kissed like this by anyone. Never had she felt so complete, so loved. If he let her go, she knew would fall to the floor. She felt him pulling away from her. She clung desperately to him. He needed air. He was her air. She wanted him back. No, she needed him back.

"Liv..." His voice was like a brush of wind. So low she would not have heard him had his lips not been at her ear. His breathing was rough and ragged and she knew he could not breath either.

He pulled her back to look into her eyes. They were filled with fire, just as he knew his were filled with the same. But, for once, that fire did not signal an impending explosion of fury, either his or hers. It was the fire of need, of understanding, of love. It was a fire that would consume everyone and everything in its path. Fire was dangerous. This was dangerous.

"El...Elliot..." She was grasping for air she could not find. The fire between them, within them had absorbed it all.

She looked into his eyes and saw the man she loved, yes, she loved him, looking at her with such tenderness and love, she felt a sob choking her. He pulled her to him, smoothing her hair, whispering to her. "Liv...oh, baby...Olivia...shhh...shhh..." The sobs became quieter and she finally stopped crying.

Then, with no warning, while he was holding her in his arms, she felt her senses return and reason once again prevail. She was suddenly aware of the danger she had put herself in by being here alone with Elliot, by allowing him to kiss her, by kissing him. She had to get away. Now. She could not trust herself with him. She barely could before, but now, now that she knew what it was to kiss him, to feel his lips on hers, how he tasted, how he responded, she knew she had to distance herself from him. He was married. Even if he and Kathy were talking about divorce again, right now, he still had a wife. A new baby. She would give credence to all of Kathy's suspicions and accusations of the last eight and half years if she stayed any where near him. She had to get away. This could not happen again. Not with him married.

His grip on her had loosened and she took advantage of that, pulling away and out of his arms.

"Liv...?" His eyes held not only question, but fear. They knew each other so well, perhaps better than they knew their own selves, so it stood to reason, he would feel her sudden change of emotion. He would feel the fear, the guilt as it rose up within her. He would see the uncertainty in her eyes. He would know she was going to run. Again.

She shook her head back and forth, rapidly, as she backed away from him. "No. No. We...we can't do this...we..."

He took a step toward her and she held her hands up, palms outward, still shaking her head. "No, Elliot! Don't come near me! You're married! We can not do this! I will not do this! Don't touch me!" Olivia turned and ran out of the locker room.

"Olivia!" He shouted as he ran after her.

But she was quick. "Olivia!" He shouted as he saw her enter the elevator.

Even running as fast as he could, he was found himself face to face with the elevator doors shutting with Olivia behind them, just out of his reach. In the last moment before they sealed closed, he grabbed their edges, nearly crushing his fingers as he tried unsuccessfully to pry them open. "Olivia!"

When she ran from the locker room, she bounded down the stairs, through squad room, out of the precinct, out of the building and she did not stop running until her lungs were bursting, her legs burning and she could go no further. She was in a park and made her way to a bench.

She could not stop thinking about what had just happened. She had wondered what it would be like to kiss him, dreamed of how it would feel, but never did she believe it could ever, would ever happen. For a long time, she suspected he felt something more for her and she thought he would make a move while he was separated. But he never did. Then the Gitano incident proved that she was more than a partner or friend to him, and she decided they needed some distance. Twice. All the distance had done, was push them farther apart. He was furious that she left him. And now that she knew he had feelings beyond partner, beyond friends, she could not go back.

As far as she could see, this had sealed their fate as partners. She knew there was no way she could ever sit across the desk from him day in and day out and know she could never touch him again. She could not walk beside him, their strides in sync, shoulders brushing, and know she could never kiss him again. She knew she could never interrogate a suspect, playing off each other to get a confession, and never feel his arms around her again. She could not do it. He is married. She will not be with him. She will not allow him to go against everything he believes in to be with her. She knew what she had to do. Looking at her watch, she saw it was 7:33 a.m. It was too early. She would have to wait. She began to shiver from the cold. She had left her coat behind in the locker room. She started walking back to her apartment and when she realized how far she had run in the opposite direction, she hailed a cab.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -


	20. Run

**A/N:** _I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Are you guys ready for the end? I told you there would be twists and turns. Has it been a good ride overall? I have sure had fun writing this. Thanks for taking time to read and review. It is encouraging. " ) Bensler_

emejota98 - _The ending of chapter 3 was evil, huh? I love it, too. Oh, keep reading and reviewing...you've got a ways to go!_

mia66 - _Notice the chapter name...thanks!_

LivNel4ever - _And on December 31, 2008, it will still be the 'hottest kiss of 2008 so far'!_

Downsouthrider - _Didn't mean to sound 'nasty' to you...no hard feelings, okay? Did you get my email?_

**Chapter 20 - Run**

He knew it as surely as he was standing here. She was on the run again. He saw it in her eyes. He should never have kissed her. He wished he could take it back. Not that he didn't want to kiss her, but he should have waited. He's waited for years and he could have waited another month or so. He is married and Liv was not one to get involved with a married man. At least she would never pursue that involvement. He knew she felt just as strongly about him as he did about her. He thought he already knew it long ago, but the way she kissed him this morning, there was not even a hint of doubt in his mind or his heart that she loved him like he loved her. Yes, he loved Olivia Benson.

He and Kathy had talked, actually talked, last night after Kathleen had said her piece. He thought it ironic that their kids could see straight through both of them. Straight to the problems in their marriage. Straight to the fact that their relationship no longer worked, if it ever did. At first, she had cried, even begged, that he give her one more chance. But, after talking for a long time, she admitted that she was miserable, too. When they had been separated, she had started to feel good about her self. Gained self-confidence. She liked not having to answer to him, or anyone. She had finally agreed with him that they probably should go their separate ways. He had cried, too. They held each other and cried. For lost things. Their marriage, their life they had known, their love. They planned to discuss it more over the next week or so, and once they had things decided, they would tell the kids. And he would tell Olivia.

- - - - - - - - - - -

She really did not expect Dean to still be at her apartment, though she halfway wanted him to be there so she could go ahead and confront him about his lack of trust in her and his snooping around in her business. She paused as she turned the key in the door, listening for any sounds that would let her know he did stick around. Nothing. She went into the silence and emptiness of her apartment. It seemed to mock the silence and emptiness of her heart and the decision she had made a short time ago. She noticed the message light flashing on her home phone. She figured it was Elliot. She had already had five or six cell phone calls and four messages from him. She finally turned it off. So, she assumed he had taken to calling her home phone. Just as she was thinking this, the phone rang. Caller I.D. said 'blocked'. So, she waited.

"Olivia, answer the phone! I know you are there! Come on and answer the phone. You are not running from me again. We have to talk things out and get them settled. I told you Kathy and I are . . . well, you know things aren't working for us. Please answer the phone! You are running again, aren't you? Liv, pick up the phone! Olivia!" He went on for the full five minutes per message until the machine cut him off. And then he called right back. She did not even bother listening to the other messages. She turned the ringer off.

She put on a pot of tea to brew while she showered. Without her coat, the cold had seeped into her bones and she had shivered with cold all the way home. If the cabbie had the heat on, it sure did not seem like it. The hot water cascading over her body, warmed her, erasing all evidence of cold. What was it about a shower that could just renew and invigorate, she wondered? After drying off, she put on a pair of hip-hugging jeans, a wide black belt, warm black socks and a bright blue sweater with a v-neck. The smell of the tea lured her to the kitchen. Pouring a cup, the thought crossed her mind that maybe she should eat something. But, she quickly dismissed it, because she knew in her present state, food would not stay long in the confines of her stomach. She was not even sure the tea would work.

She looked at the clock on the microwave. 8:56 a.m. Another hour or so and she would call. She did some cleaning, put a load of laundry in the washer, folded a pile that had been in the dryer for four or five days, unloaded the dishwasher, went through two weeks worth of mail and cleared off the odd and end stuff on her kitchen counter. Her heart jumped when she saw it. A small, rectangular, gold, gift box that she had forgotten about. Amid all the mess she and Elliot had been through the past few weeks, she had forgotten the Christmas gift she had for him. Her hands shook as she pulled the red bow from around it, opened it and looked at its contents. She stared at it for a long time, then closed her eyes, sighed heavily, put the lid back on it and put the box at the back of the counter. She doubted she would ever give it to him, now, but she wished with all her heart that one day she could. She looked at the time again. She picked up her cell phone, flipped it open and hit # two on the speed dial. Three rings.

"Hey. Didn't wake you, did I?" Pause.

"Nothing." Pause.

"Okay, okay. Not nothing." Pause.

"Yea, I need to talk to you about it. Can I come over?" Pause.

"I'm on my way."

Flipping the phone closed, she clipped it to her belt and put on a pair of black boots, grabbed her black leather jacket and headed out. Thirty minutes later she was standing in front of a well-kept English cottage styled home in Brooklyn. She had been here only a few times since she had been in SVU. She could see two very large chimneys decorated with ornate chimney pots. The windows were tall and slender with multi-pane glazing separated by wood. The brick was a mottled red and off-white, with a dusty blue color coating the wood trim. Icicle lights hung over the edge of the steeply pitched, cross-gabled roof, and along the overhang of the porch and garage. A Christmas wreath hung on the door. She did not know why that surprised her, but it did. It was after all, Christmas. The house was quite charming. Walking up the cobblestone walkway, she almost felt like she could be in a quaint village in England. Taking a deep breath, she rang the doorbell. She dreaded the coming discussion.

"Olivia. Good to see you. Come in, come in." He welcomed her.

"Thanks. Decorations are really nice." She smiled.

"Neighbor boy put them up. Can I get you something...coffee or tea?" He asked.

"Uh...thanks...tea would be great." She took off her jacket and hung it on the coat rack in the foyer.

"Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. I'll just be a minute." He smiled as he left the room.

The living room was cozy. There was a wall about ten feet wide that was filled with shelves that had hundreds of books. Like a small library almost. She checked the titles of a few on one shelf... 'Protecting the Republic: The Education and Training of American Police Officers'; 'Managing The Investigative Unit'; 'The Psychology of Sex Offenders'. Another shelf held, 'War and Peace', Gone with the Wind', and 'The Book of Virtues'.

He came back carrying a tray with a tea kettle, cups, cream and sugar. She looked up to see him entering the room.

"Pretty heavy reading material." She commented.

He smiled. "What do you like to read?"

"With jobs like ours, who has time to read?" She smirked, they laughed and sat down.

On the table by the sofa where they sat, were a reading lamp and a picture of his wife. She was very attractive. Olivia wished she could have met her.

"Well, I know you didn't come all the way out here on a cold Sunday, one of your few days off, just to have tea. What's on your mind, Olivia." His crinkled eyes were full of concern.

"Captain..." She started.

"Don. Today, I am Don." His voice was soft and his smile warm.

"Don, I know you told us that if you had to split us up or one of us asked for a new partner, that would be strike three and we would never be partnered again. I can't work with Elliot right now but I don't want to mess it up so that we can never work together again, in case we can work things out later."

"Tell me why you can't work with him right now and why you would think you might could work things out later when you have been unable to do so in the last two and half years." His eyes were watching hers and he was troubled at the sadness he saw in them.

She took a moment to answer him. She was embarrassed to say what happened, but he could not really help her if he did not know and understand what had happened. Why she could not face Elliot every day. Finally, she decided to just say it without trying to make it sound like it wasn't as bad as it was. Not the kiss. The whole situation.

"He kissed me. I let him kiss me! He's married. He is off limits. I don't want to do anything or let him do anything against his marriage. And I can not...after that kiss...I can not sit across from him every day, sit beside him for hours on end in a stakeout, or stand with him to interview witnesses or tell a family their loved one is gone. He said he and Kathy talked and they are going to get a divorce. But he is married right now. I can't do it. I can't. Don, you have to help me!" Tears were welling in her eyes against her best attempt to not cry.

He sat there for a moment, nodding his head. "I understand why you can't work with him right now but what about later. Why do you think that would change?"

"If he and Kathy do divorce, then he is free, single. We could pursue this thing between us. If that were the case, I would want to be his partner again. But if I ask to leave, he will be angry...he was furious with me transferring to computer crimes and then Oregon...well, let's just say, he is still not over that...if I leave again, I am afraid that would be the end of anything with us." The tears were flowing down her face now.

"The brass frowns on partners being involved, but if you work things out, I could assign one of you with Fin, Munch or Lake enough that we could get by...but right now we have to have another plan. And I think I know something that just might work..." He was deep in thought.

"Really? What? Could we do it without Elliot knowing I talked to you?" She was perking up a bit now.

"Jack Otero sent an email two weeks ago asking if we knew anyone with computer experience that could help them out over in the Staten Island squad. They are short handed due to medical issues with two employees, another shipped out to Iraq with his reserve unit and they're a small squad as it is."

Otero was the commanding officer of the NYPD Computer Crimes Squad, over all five of the boroughs. Olivia had met him a couple of times, but did not know him that well.

"Yea...they were just getting it up and running when I was the Computer Crimes. Are you thinking he would take me on?" The wheels in her mind were running at top speed.

"Oh, I know he would take you on...he called me last week and specifically asked if I could spare you and if I thought you would be willing to help them out."

"You never said anything..." She frowned as she set her tea cup on the table.

"Told him I couldn't spare you." He rubbed his neck, smiling at her.

"Now?" Her eyes were locked on his.

"Tell him things are slow and I can spare you."

"How will we do this without Elliot knowing I asked?"

"Let me figure this out...you just play along with whatever goes down, okay? Tomorrow is Christmas Eve...won't be many folks around...if Otero is working tomorrow, I'll see if we can get this taken care of in the morning. If not, then first thing Wednesday morning."

He stood and so did she, heading for the door.

"Okay...Don, I don't know how I can ever repay you..."

Taking her by her shoulders, he looked into her eyes. "Figure things out with you and Elliot and be happy, Olivia. Just be happy. That's all the payment I need." He hugged her. "Now, I've got some phone calls to make."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Elliot had called her cell a half dozen times, left four messages and even one text message...how he hated to type those things...before she turned it off. Then he called her home phone. He lost count of how many messages he left there, but he was cut off by the machine on almost everyone of them. She was ignoring him. He could take a lot of things, but he could not take being ignored. He had her coat. It was cold outside. Sounded like a good reason to go by her place, to him. He must be a fool, he thought to himself.

She was laying on the couch, pretending to read a novel she had started months ago. She could not remember anything she was reading except that she had read the same paragraph about four hundred times. Just as she laid the book across her chest and closed her eyes, a soft knock at her door startled her and her eyes popped open. It couldn't be. No way. He would not dare. Would he? Oh, yes. Yes, he would. The knocking became louder and more persistent. She looked through the peep hole and there was Elliot, something black draped across his arm. Her coat. He used that as an excuse to come by. As if he ever needed an excuse to do anything. She was not opening this door. She was not. She could not talk to him right now. And she definitely could not talk to him alone in her apartment. What was she going to do? The knocking was even louder, harder now. And he had begun to call her name. She had an idea. Grant! That was it. She grabbed her cell and found Grant's number. Please be home. Please. Please. Please.

"Hello." His deep voice answered on the fifth ring.

"Uh...hey, Grant. This is Liv. Are you at home?"

"Oh, hey, Liv. Yea, I'm here. What's going on?"

"I have a really big favor to ask of you."

"Name it."

"Remember earlier, the two guys?"

"Yea, the ones bashing each other up."

"One of them is at my door and I do not want to talk to him, but I don't see anyway around it because he is starting to holler and bang on my door pretty hard."

"Yea...yea...I see him and hear him. So, you want to run him off?"

"Well, actually, I was thinking maybe you could come out and act like you and I had plans or something and maybe he would leave on his own."

What is she thinking? Elliot would probably just go off on Grant. No, he has better sense than to beat someone up, right? Didn't stop him from assaulting a Federal agent, now did it?

"Uh...maybe...you could just say you were coming over to fix my leaking bathroom faucet. Could you do that?"

"Yea, is it really leaking? Cause I can fix it."

"It is. Thanks. I'm going to go and try to get him to leave, but if he doesn't, you come on over."

"Gotcha."

She disconnected with Grant and went to the door. She jerked it open and Elliot almost fell in as he went to deliver another hard knock.

"What are you doing here?!" Anger flashed in her brown eyes, her voice was harsh.

"I..uh...I...have your coat. You forgot it. It's cold out." He tried to smile.

"I have other coats and jackets, Elliot. I could have gotten it in the morning."

"Yea, right. Well, I couldn't just let things be like they were today...uh...we gotta get this straightened out, okay?" He was almost pleading with her.

"No. There is nothing to straighten out. You are married. End of subject. Now, please, leave."

"Let me in and we'll talk."

"What part of 'please leave' do you not understand?" She really, really wanted him to just go.

"Olivia, let me in, okay?" He was getting louder and she could tell by the red creeping into his face that he was also becoming angry. Where are you Grant?

"Elliot..." She warned, her foot firm against the back of the door, so he could not open it.

He grabbed her arm and tried to push her door farther open at the same time. She heard the door across the hall open and out came Grant with a small tool bag.

"Oh, hey, Olivia. Was just coming to fix that leak you told me about earlier. Is this a bad time?" He smiled so sweetly. He was a good looking guy. And built.

"No. Now is fine. Elliot was just leaving." She pushed Elliot out of the doorway and into the hall.

"No, I wasn't. And I can fix that leak." He did not take his eyes off of her.

"Look, I have already asked Grant to fix it and promised him dinner." Why did she say that?

"Dinner? For a fixing a leak? I could go for a good dinner." He smiled with his lips, but not his eyes. She knew he was getting ready to explode.

"No. Grant, come on in. It's the bathroom in the bedroom." She stepped aside and motioned him in and Elliot stepped in right behind him.

"Elliot, please. Just go." She begged.

"No. We need to talk." The vein in his neck was beginning to pulsate and he was fisting his hands.

Grant stopped at the bedroom door and turned around. "Look, pal, apparently Liv does not want you here. So, how about you head on, okay?" He was firm, but polite.

"Listen, pal," He emphasized 'pal' and took several steps toward Grant. "I don't know who the heck you think you are, but I don't take orders from you, pal!"

"Elliot. I am asking you please, leave." She was beginning to worry Elliot was going to hit Grant

Grant took the extra step to put him and Elliot nose to nose. "I don't want to fight you, but if you don't turn around and leave, I am going to..."

Elliot pushed him on his shoulder. "You're going to do what?"

Grant pushed him back and Olivia jumped in between them. "Elliot, I swear...if you don't leave right now...I will never speak to you again!" Her voice was low, the words a hiss and the look in her eye told Elliot she meant it.

He stared at Liv, turned to glare at Grant, handed her coat to her and just as he opened the door to leave, there stood Dean Porter hand poised in the air ready to knock. What was that she told Cragen the other night? Something about things getting worse..."Well, every time I've thought things couldn't get worse...they did." Yea, that was what she told him. There was a reason she said that.

"What the..." Elliot was so shocked. He just stood there.

Olivia ran and jumped between him and Dean at the door. Dean was so caught off guard. He just looked back and forth from Olivia and Elliot.

"Dean, what are you doing hear?" Olivia asked.

"I wanted to see how you were...talk..." He pointed at Elliot with his thumb. "He been here all day?"

"No. He just got here and he is just leaving. You are, too." She looked over her shoulder at Elliot and then back at Dean.

"What is he doing here? What are you doing with him? Is something going on that I need to know about?" His anger was smoldering.

"There is nothing going on that you need to know about." Liv was talking pretty loud now.

"So, does that mean there is nothing going on or there is something going on and you just don't want me to know?" There was a hardness to his eyes she had never seen before.

"None of your business what we're doing here, Deano!" Elliot put his two bits worth in the pot.

"Shut up, Elliot!" She glared over her shoulder at him.

"All those rumors about the two of you, there has to be something to them. I've seen quite a bit that has made me suspicious of your best friends claim. If Stabler is my competition, then I want to know. What is going on between you two?" The anger in his voice and eyes was unmistakable.

"He is not your competition." No one can compete with Elliot. He already owns me. "There is nothing going on, but even if it were, it does not concern you, Dean. You have no right to ask me something like that!" She was getting in the anger line with Dean and Elliot. What was it with the men in her life asking such personal things?

"No right? We've been going out for almost a month, now, four or five times a week. I think that counts for something. You came on to me last night and we ended up..." He was starting to get upset with her. He already wanted to deck Elliot.

"Dean! That is private! How dare you bring that up in front of anyone!" She felt her self turning every shade of red there was and she also felt the fury emanating from Elliot, standing behind and to her side. She knew he was getting ready to strike and she was ready for it.

Elliot lunged at him, but Olivia pushed him back, glaring at him with a look that said she was going to kill him. "Get the hell out of here, Porter!" He shouted.

She came on to Porter? The thought of them being together was enough to drive him nuts, but the thought that it was her idea...he wanted to beat the crap out of Porter for saying that and giving him that bit of knowledge he could have lived without. He wanted to rant and rave at Liv and hopefully shake some sense into her and then he wanted to haul her up to him and kiss her like they kissed this morning. As a reminder that she was his, no one else's. She belonged to him. Maybe not technically or legally but in every way that counted they were not two people, they were one. Neither of them knew where one ended and the other began. They admitted that to each other. Yes. They were one.

"Elliot, keep out of this!" She snapped, giving him an icy stare.

"I was trying to make a point. You and Stabler got a thing going, huh? I have a right to know, Olivia. You been with him? She's good, Stabler. Guess you know that though..."

That was it. Elliot barreled past Olivia, past the door and slammed Dean into the wall in the hallway. He pounded him four or five times and Dean never got a hit in.

"Elliot!! Stop it!! Please!! Don't hit him again!!" She was screaming and trying to pull him off of Dean.

"Hey, Liv...got the leak fixed...what is going on? I thought he left..." He said in astonishment, as he ran to Olivia, pulling her off of Elliot and then pulled Elliot off of Dean.

"He was leaving but when he opened the door, Dean was there and then...then...they...well, this happened."

"Get off me!!" Elliot yelled at Grant. Grant held him back, waiting until he settled down a bit before letting go of him.

"Why did you have to go and do that, Elliot? Why?" She spat the words at him.

She was so tired of all of this. She was trying to help Dean. Grant came over and pulled him to his feet. He had a swollen, split lip to match Elliot's, his right eye was swelling shut and he had a small cut on his left cheek. Grant went back to stand near Elliot, in case he got any wild ideas about hitting Dean again.

"I couldn't just stand there and do nothing! Not after what he said!" He was breathing hard, his fists still balled to strike.

Dean was standing, now, wiping blood from his lip. "Stabler, I am so going to have your butt for assaulting a Federal officer!" His voice was threatening.

Liv had gotten some wet paper towels and held them to his lip. She put her hand on Dean's chin to make him face her. "No. No you are not. If you bring charges, I will be forced to tell your superiors how you used your badge to gain information for your own personal use." Her eyes locked with his in defiance.

He looked at her for a long time, then over at Elliot and back to her. He nodded his head.

"Dean, Elliot, I'm sorry, but you both need to go." Her face was blank, no emotion there.

"I'm not going anywhere as long as he is still here!" Elliot was still angry and still balling his fists.

"Liv, I have a right to know if you are, you know, with someone else." Dean, held her gaze.

"How do you figure you have a right to know anything about me?" She could not believe he was being so persistent.

"We've been together. I thought that meant something. It did to me." His voice held hurt, despair.

Well, whatever it meant to me changed when I found out you went nosing around in something that was none of your business!" She snapped. She was sorry she hurt him, but so mad that he had checked up on her.

"What are you talking about?" He really had no idea what she meant.

"The name Ferrelli mean anything to you?" She hissed at him.

"Ferrelli? Sounds familiar...got a first name?"

"Sergeant." Her arms were crossed and her eyes smoking.

He turned white and started to speak but no words came forth. Finally, he said, "I..I c-can explain..."

She shook her head and held her hands up. "No explanation necessary. You don't trust me. There is nothing to talk about. Without trust, there is no basis for any kind of relationship."

"Liv, don't do this..."

Way to go, Deany boy, Elliot thought. Whatever he had checked up on about Liv, it looked like it spelled doom for their relationship. Elliot could not help but feel ecstatic about it.

"You should not have gone checking behind my back, Dean. You should have asked me."

"Would you have told me the truth, if I asked. Would have told me you were lying about the case?"

"Once I found out what the truth was and why I was lying, yea...if I felt you needed to know."

"What you mean once you found out?" He was perplexed by her statement.

"I didn't know anything about a case. But when Elliot said there was one and when I realized he felt he needed to lie about it for some reason, I covered for him. He doesn't make it a habit to lie so I knew he must have a good reason. I still don't know what he was lying about." She turned and looked at Elliot, who just shrugged.

Oh, man. Somehow she is going to turn this all around and blame me for her and Dean breaking up. Well, in a way, it was my fault. If I had not lied to Kathy, Olivia would not have felt like she needed to cover for me and she and Dean would not be fighting. He felt guilty now. But not that much.

"So, I screwed us up over something that you still are not sure what you lied about?" His laugh was a snort. "I'm sorry, Olivia. I really am." He looked at the floor and shook his head.

"Me, too." She whispered sadly. "Me, too."

"Is there anything I can do to get you to forgive me? Let us start again?" He asked softly.

"Not right now...maybe...maybe one day..." She did not know why she offered him that hope. Perhaps because she really did enjoy being with him, cared about him, saw the possibility of more, much more. He was the first man she thought she could have a long term relationship with in years.

The guilt came rushing over Elliot. As much as he did not want Liv with Porter, or anyone else, he realized she did care about him and for once, she saw that maybe she had a chance at something she always wanted. To love and be loved, to belong, be a part of someone's world. He took that all away with his lie. He thought again how he hated lying. It just caused more and more trouble as time went on. More than there would have been if he just went with the truth.

They all stood there looking at one another. "Listen. I really want both of you to leave. I don't want to talk to or be around either of you, right now. Just leave, okay. Please."

To say she was surprised when neither of them protested her request, was an understatement. Dean went to the elevator, Elliot to the stairwell. The last thing she saw before she shut the door, was Elliot standing at the top of the stairs, looking at her.

She closed the door, faced Grant, leaned up against the door and shook her head. "I owe you big time, Grant."

"Yea...you owe me dinner.

- - - - - - - - - -

The alarm sounded way too loud and way too early. Much sooner than she thought it should have, since she did not sleep well at all. Between what had happened yesterday morning with Elliot coming to her place and seeing Dean, them fighting, she and Elliot kissing for the first time and then the second round between him and Dean and Grant last night, she was exhausted and so keyed up sleep would not come. Not to mention she was too wired to sleep thinking about what Cragen had in store for her this morning. She got up and went about her morning routine.

Every one was at work when she arrived except for Fin. She was not late, but she did not come in as early as she normally did. How she dreaded this morning. Elliot was at his desk and when she came to hers, she noticed there was a steaming cup of tea place right in the middle of the desk top. He looked up and grinned, the full Stable smile, she called it.

"Mornin', Sunshine." He nodded at the tea. "It's so cold out, I thought you might need that, even if you already had some."

She looked like she had not slept much. Well, welcome to his world, he thought. But she still looked good. She had on that red and black striped blouse that seemed to be her new favorite, a black sweater, black pants and boots and black leather jacket.

"Thanks. Appreciate it." She couldn't help but smile. She could not remember the last time he called her 'sunshine'.

He would have to look so handsome this morning. Even though his lip was still swollen just a bit and his left eye was slightly discolored below it, he looked fine. His dark gray suit, with the medium blue shirt and same color tie looked incredible on him. She could tell he was going for the 'ignore everything and maybe it will all go away' tactic, and she hated to tell him, but the only thing going anywhere was her.

"So, Olivia...what you got planned for Christmas? You and Dean have plans?" Lake asked as he walked by her desk on the way to get coffee.

"Uh...no...probably just going to spend some time alone." She smiled, but it felt like a fake one. She hoped it looked real enough to Lake.

She realized Lake knew nothing of what had happened and did not know she and Dean were at odds and probably thought she meant she and Dean were spending the holiday alone together. They did have plans for Christmas, but...well...she figured that was pretty much blown to smithereens, now. She had been looking forward to having a special someone to spend the holidays with for once, but, well, she guessed she would have to spend it alone. Like always. She was depressed by the thought and had to make herself swallow the lump in her throat and blink back the tears. She was so tired of being alone.

It broke Elliot's heart to know that she was going to be alone on Christmas. "What about Simon and Lucy?" He asked her.

"They moved, remember?" She said.

"Oh." He replied. No, he did not remember. He did not think she even told him. How had they gotten to this place? Where they did not tell each other every thing, any thing? Where he seemed to know so much about her, yet so little going on in her life? He decided to let it go rather than risk the argument he was sure would ensue if he tried to tell her she had not shared that information with him. "What about Casey?"

"She's going home to Texas. Flies out late this afternoon." She said as she logged on to her computer. She did not know how much longer she could sit there and carry on this conversation with him.

Fin came in, and shortly after that Munch came back from picking up some files they needed from another precinct. They were all engrossed in their work, when a tall, slender man of about fifty, came through the double doors of the squad room.

"Can I help you, Sir? I'm Detective Munch and you are..." Munch extended his hand.

"Captain John Otero, Computer Crime Squad. Is Captain Cragen around?" He spoke confidently and smiled at Munch.

Olivia had looked up when he first came in and knew exactly who he was. She quickly turned back to her computer and pretended she was not interested in what he had to say. She could feel Elliot's eyes on her, boring a hole into her and she was not about to look at him. She started typing and doing research for the case they had open.

The minute he heard the man say 'computer crime squad' his interest was piqued. Elliot looked at Olivia but she did not seem to be concerned about Otero's presence or seem to know anything about why he was here. But something was not right. He knew it. He felt it.

About that time, Cragen came out and greeted Otero. "Jack, good to see you. What brings you here on Christmas Eve? Thought you'd be taking off."

"You're looking good, Don. Too much going on to take off. Got a little favor to ask." He smiled as he walked toward Cragen.

"Well, come on in and I'll see if I can help you out." He closed the door behind them.

Olivia smiled to herself thinking how well Cragen played that scene. It sounded like he had nothing to with this and that Otero was just there to ask a favor and whatever the favor was he had no idea about it. Still, her stomach was in knots. Less than ten minutes later, Cragen's door opened and he stepped out.

"Benson! Come to my office for a minute, please." His tone was serious as he beckoned her.

She looked at him and then glanced at Elliot as she logged off her computer and headed toward Cragen's office. His blue eyes held question and they narrowed just a bit before she turned away from him. It only took a few seconds for her to know he realized something was going down and he was not happy about it at all. Elliot watched as she crossed the bullpen and the Cragen closed the door behind them.

A good fifteen minutes passed before Cragen's door opened once again. Elliot looked up but did not see Olivia coming out of the office. Instead the Captain stood at the door and called out his command.

"I need everyone in my office. Now. All of you." He held the door open as all of his detectives started his way, trading curious looks between them. Elliot knew he was not going to like whatever was about to be said in there.

There were not enough chairs for all of them, so Fin brought in two extra ones. Olivia was already sitting in the middle chair next to Otero who was in the far chair in front of the Captain's desk. Lake took the empty chair next to Olivia. Munch stood until he took one of the chairs Fin offered. Elliot came around and stood to Lake's far right behind Fin and Munch, where he could clearly see Olivia's face. There was a knock at the door and Casey entered. Munch gave up his seat and stood by Elliot.

"I'd like to introduce you to Captain Jack Otero. He is the commanding officer of the Computer Crime Squad. These are my detectives, John Munch, Elliot Stabler who is Olivia's partner, Casey Novak, our ADA, Fin Tutuola and Chester Lake. I've called you all in here, including Casey, because she could be affected by this as well. I'll let Captain Otero explain why he is here." He nodded to him, giving him the floor.

Elliot felt his stomach begin to churn. He was almost certain he knew where this was going. He wanted Liv back in computer crimes. That had to be why he was here. He kept looking at her, willing her to look at him so he could read her eyes and tell her to tell them no. She kept her eyes cast down or looking anywhere but at him. This was her out. Her way to run. Again.

"Due to some medical issues and one of our men being deployed to Iraq, I am short three people in our newest unit at the Staten Island 122. Being a small unit, these absences have created a hardship for the remaining members of the squad and I have been looking for some NYPD employees that could fill in for awhile. The brass prefers we fill from within our ranks rather than looking to outsiders. Detective Benson, already having some experience, was one of the first people mentioned, so I contacted your Captain." Otero explained.

Captain Cragen looked around at his crew. "I know that by releasing Olivia for this assignment, it will cause some hardships of our own here. I wanted to let you all have a say in whether or not this is something we can live with for a few months."

"The thing is, Don, it may not matter, because if we cannot fill it on our own, the Brass will step in and make someone help us. But it looks better if we can work it out on our own."

Elliot nearly choked. A few months!! Months!! No way. She was leaving him again. She was running. But Cragen and Otero make it sound like she had no real say in it. Maybe it is just coincidence. Just good luck for her. A way out and she didn't even have to seek it. His eyes drilled into Olivia, but she still would not look his way. She was on the run. There was no question about it.

She felt the heat from his eyes burning into her head. She could not look at him because he would see it all in her eyes. Her fear, her guilt, her deception. He would know she was on the run again. She knew he knew it already.

"When would she start?" Lake asked.

"As soon as possible. Wednesday, if I can get everything in order today." He turned to Olivia. "Should not take long since you have already been assigned there once before. I'll let you know as soon as I know, Detective Benson."

"Liv is scheduled as a witness in the Inman case, week after next. As long as she can come by for a couple of hours one day next week and then the day before the trial, I have no problem with her being gone." Casey said, as she looked from Olivia, to Otero to Cragen.

What is all this about, she wondered? She felt like Liv knew about this, though she was acting like she did not. Something else must have happened between her and Elliot. Well, she would call her while waiting for her flight.

I have a problem with her being gone, thought Elliot. I'll go crazy not seeing her every day. Why couldn't it be our computer crime squad just a floor above instead of on the island? Depending on traffic, it would be at least a forty-five minute to an hour drive from his place and not much less than that from the 1-6.

"That should not be a problem. Just let her know ahead of time when you need her." Otero said.

"We won't have no problem, picking up her slack, Captain." Fin offered.

"What? You saying I'm already a slacker? Huh?" Her smile let everyone know she was picking at Fin.

"Nah, nah...girl. You a hard worker. Great cop. Just saying we are willing to help out our brothers...and sisters...in blue. You know, we can endure a little hardship if it helps the department."

"Think you got enough points for a good evaluation, Fin?" Munch said and the whole grouped laughed once again.

"Well, any one else have any input about this?" He looked around, everyone shook their head.

"Elliot? You're her partner, so you will be most affected by this. Got any thing to say?" Cragen studied the muscles in his jaw jumping as he ground his teeth. Liv was right. He was furious.

"Yea. Who is going to be my new partner?" He said, looking at Olivia, her head down. "Beck still around?" Her head snapped up and as her eyes finally met his, he looked away to Captain Cragen.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -


	21. Rules

**Chapter 21 - Rules**

The wind was whipping, blowing her hair into her face, the biting cold made her eyes water and she had to keep sniffling because her nose dripped from the arctic air. The sun did nothing to warm her. She did not care that she was freezing to death. It would be a much better way to go, than under the burning, consuming fire of Elliot's flaming eyes and the searing pain in her heart from the stinging remark he made about Dani. When he said her name, she nearly fell out of her chair. It had taken all she had to maintain her composure. She wanted to march over there and smack him and tell him he could have Dani Beck, for all she cared! She wasn't even out the door, yet and he was looking for her replacement. She halfway hoped Cragen would bring her back. That would seal their fate even more so than his marriage, in her book. That he would want Dani back after all of his protestations that she meant nothing to him that there was nothing between them but that one kiss.

Olivia laughed out loud to the wind. That's all there was between her and Elliot. One kiss. One lousy kiss. Okay. Okay. It was one fantastic, incredible kiss, the likes of which she had never experienced! And she was kidding herself if she thought that was all there was between them. She knew the bond between them was unlike anything she had ever known to exist, in her own life or anyone else's around her. She had been told countless times by various people how unique, how amazing their bond was. Because of its strength, its rarity, it seldom went unnoticed by those around them although most interpreted it to mean they were having an affair. That bond was there for all to see, including, his wife who was jealous of it and, rightly so.

Cragen's office had gone completely silent when Elliot asked if Beck was still around. She felt her colleagues looking at her and at one another. She was just as aware as they of the rumors about him and Dani. And they were also aware of this thing between Liv and Elliot and knew Dani was a sore subject for her. At the mention of her name, Liv had finally looked at Elliot, only to have him look at her as if he could not care less. He then looked to Captain Cragen as though he was expecting as answer. Cragen had, in turn, looked at him in disbelief over what Elliot had just asked. He cleared his throat and said that he would mix it up with Fin, Munch and Lake. He dismissed them. Cragen called out to Olivia as the crowd dispersed from his office.

"Benson. A moment please." He turned to Otero, nodding at the door. "Would you mind, Jack? This won't take long and then we'll get some lunch."

She hung back, blinking rapidly to make the tears springing to her eyes dissipate. The look he gave he was tender and compassionate. "He doesn't really want Dani back as a partner. You know that, right?"

Staring at the floor, she gave no response. "He knows what you are doing, Liv, and he's hurt. He only said that to hurt you."

She only nodded. "Olivia...look at me." She did as he requested. "I would never bring Beck back. Okay?" She nodded again as she left his office.

When they were dismissed from Cragen's office, Elliot was the first one out and he went straight to his desk and put on his jacket. She got to her desk just in time to hear him tell Munch he was meeting someone for an early lunch. He did not say a word to her. The anger and fury radiated from him and she was glad he was leaving. At least that would give her time to think about things before he came back for her. He'd come back. They always came back for the other. No matter how hurt, how angry. No matter how long it took. It was one of their many unspoken rules. She worked for almost an hour before she decided she needed a break. Not that she got much work done. It was lunch time but she was not hungry and even if she were, she would not have eaten. With that tightness in her stomach doing its thing, she would not take a chance.

Cragen had gone to lunch with Otero, Fin and Munch were on a case and Lake was at his desk going over some case files. She decided to go up to the roof. She supposed she should let Lake know.

"Hey, Chester. I'm going up top for a break. Call me if anything comes up, okay?" She was putting on her coat.

"Sure, Liv." He looked up, turned back to his file and then back to her. "Hey, who is Beck?"

She was caught off guard. "Uh..nobody." Her foot was on the first step.

"Didn't seem like 'nobody'. The whole place went quiet as a snowfall." He seemed to be mulling the events in his mind.

Olivia let out a deep sigh, and rolled her eyes. "She was Elliot's partner when I was undercover with the FBI." There she said it.

"Ohhh." He was leaning back in his chair, chewing on his pencil. He nodded his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She demanded, her anger spiking.

"Nothing. I mean, okay. I get it now." He sat up straight in his chair, then propped his elbow on the desk and his head on his hand.

"Get what?" She knew she was snapping at him, but she could not help it. This guy could irritate her almost as quickly as Elliot.

"Must have been a babe. Stabler was interested. You came back, got jealous. That it?" He asked.

She wanted to kill him sometimes. Whatever he was thinking, just came right out of his mouth. Blunt, tactless, with total disregard for any kind of social rules that existed about inappropriate subject matter. Yet, it was always without judgement or condemnation. He put it out there like it was common knowledge. It was. She just did not like to admit it.

"You know what? I'm going up top, now." She had taken another step or two when she heard him.

"Hey, Liv? Stabler's a cookie short of a dozen, if he chose her, or anyone, over you." He was smiling. She was too, but her back remained to him as she climbed the stairs, and he never saw the smile.

It was not the best weather for hanging out on the rooftop, but at least it gave her some privacy and if she wanted, she could cry, not that she wanted to cry. She didn't. She had come to the conclusion that it did no good, so why bother. But sometimes, actually more and more, lately, the tears seemed to come of their own accord, as though they had a mind all their own. Her body had began to tremble and her teeth to chatter, when she heard the squeak of the door to the rooftop. She froze. Literally and figuratively. She knew who was there. She did not have to look. She felt him. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"You need to come in." It sounded like a command, but she knew it was a plea.

"I'm fine." She willed her body not to shake and ground her teeth so they could not chatter. She did not look at him.

"Olivia, it is 15° with the wind chill. Please." He walked toward her. "Come inside." She felt his steady gaze.

"Leave me alone, Elliot. I came out here for privacy." Still she did not look at him.

He was standing just a few feet from her, facing her right side. She could see him clearly from the corner of her eye. His hands were stuffed deep in his woolen overcoat, a blue and green muffler Lizzie had knit him was wrapped around his neck and he had a black knit beanie pulled down over his ears. He was biting his lower lip. She wanted to tell him to stop, because that would cause them to chap. But that might be construed as concern and right now she did not want him to think she cared anything about him.

"You came out here because you're running away from me. Again." Surprisingly, his voice held no anger.

"What are you talking about?" She whirled to face him.

"You expect me to believe you don't want to do that stint on the Island?" His eyes were narrow slits, but she was not sure if it was because of the wind and cold or his anger.

"You heard Otero and Cragen...it would be a matter of time before the Brass made someone do it." It was offered as an explanation, but she knew it would not satisfy him.

She did not think he suspected it had all been set up, and it made her mad that he felt like she was running. She didn't know why it made her mad that he called her on it, but it did. It was true. She was running. She had no choice.

"Yea, but maybe not you..." He looked out at the city and then back at her.

"I already have experience. You know they would have assigned me." She turned her gaze to the city, and kept it there. She was starting to shiver and shake again.

"Maybe. But it sure is coincidental that it happened now. I know you are running away from me again, Olivia. I feel it. I felt it yesterday after...after... Please, don't leave me again. I can't do this alone, Liv." He was pleading with her not to leave him, but she had to go.

She had no choice. She could not stay here in such close proximity and expect to maintain the boundaries that should still be between them. How could she be strong enough for the both of them, when she knew she could not even do it for herself?

She turned to look him in the eye. Hers flashing with fury and jealousy even as tears began to pool in them. "You won't be alone. Dani will keep you company!" Her voice was like the snarl of a wild animal.

Elliot felt as though the words she spoke were jagged, like broken glass, cutting deeply into his heart and mind. He deserved them. He would never forget the look on her face when he asked Cragen if Beck was still around. He knew he was fighting dirty, but he was so hurt that she was running again, all he could think of was how to hurt her as bad as she had hurt him. He knew any mention of Dani would do it. But he was unprepared for the anguish, the sense of betrayal, the total devastation that he saw in her huge, brown eyes. And he had put those things there. That was what he wanted until he saw it. Almost immediately, he regretted his words. The thought of the raw pain in her eyes had him searching for the nearest trash can, as he left the precinct this morning. He knew he had broken the rules of fighting fairly. He would never forgive himself for his callous words.

She started past him, but he grabbed her arm. "Liv, I...I...was trying...to...to hurt you, like you hurt me." His voice was a rasp filled with agony, his eyes pained.

Her laugh held no humor. "Mission accomplished! Now, let me go!" She demanded, violently jerking away from him, angrily wiping at tears with her left hand.

She jerked her arm out of his grip but he caught her by her right shoulder as she tried to run from him. He turned her around and roughly hauled her up against him, holding her head to his chest with his right hand and her body against his with his left arm around her waist.

"Get off me!" She screamed, loudly and angrily. She did not want him to touch her. She could not resist him if he did. She tried to hit him, to push him away, but he had pulled her too close to him.

"Olivia." His breathing was erratic. She could feel his racing heartbeat even through the layers of material between them. He was on the verge of tears. He bent his head to hers, his voice tight with emotion.

"I don't want Dani as a partner or anything else. Liv, you're the only one I want. It's you, Liv. It's always been you. Only you." A vulnerability had crept into his voice and he choked on the sobs that had lain just below the surface.

In between the kisses he was placing on the top of her head, he was stroking his hand over her hair and murmuring soothing words. Against her will, she found herself calming down, melting into his arms. Her crying became nothing more than gentle tears rolling down her face. His embrace was crushing her, but she was warm again, the rough wool of his jacket scratching her cheek. There was no doubt. She knows he loves her and she loves him and she has never felt anything like this. She has never loved anyone or been loved by anyone like this. She knows she never will again.

He held her as they cried, rocking her back and forth, comforting her and in turn, himself. He held her until they were both shaking from the cold and he knew they had to go inside.

"We better get inside before they send out a search team." He whispered against her hair.

She nodded and slowly, pulled away from him, holding his hands in hers. He wanted to kiss her, but after yesterday, he knew he should not. If he hoped to make things right, then he could not. But, he found himself bending down to do just what he promised he would not. When he was almost to her lips, she reached up and put her fingers across his, stopping him.

Her head was shaking back and forth. "This is why I have to leave, Elliot. I can't work with you, be this close to you and respect that you are married. The temptation is too much and I won't do that to myself or to you." She squeezed his hands tightly before letting them go. He followed her to the door and back to the squad room.

"Olivia. We are not finished with this. Not yet." He insisted as he watched her back disappearing down the stairs.

"Yes, we are..." She mumbled to herself. Yes, we are."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The chime of her cell, let her know she had a text message. It was Casey wanting to know if now was an okay time to call her. Elliot was sitting at his desk, so it really was not a good time because she knew Casey would want to talk about her going to Computer Crimes again and most definitely that remark he had made about Dani Beck. She decided to go to the deli down the block for some tea. She took orders from the guys and grabbed her coat.

"Hey, Case. What time's your flight?" She pulled her collar up around her neck to block the wind.

"4:05. Can't wait to see all my family and friends. You still going with Dean to his sister's house?"

"No. I have a lot to tell you. But for now can we just do the basics and I'll fill you in later?" Olivia was chilled to the bone already.

"Sure." She had time.

"After the party, Dean stayed over, first time. Elliot came over at 6:00 in the morning. He and Dean got into it...Elliot left...I went after him...Dean was upset...

"Wait, wait! Did they like hit each other?" She wanted to know.

"Yes. Grant across the hall got them settled down. Anyway, Dean was upset that I was going after Elliot...the desk sergeant asked me if the suit ever found me...he told me Dean had come to see about the case Elliot said we had that night but really didn't...so Dean was checking up on me...he did not trust me...I found Elliot in the gym...we talked...he showered...then we talked some more. He...he...we...uh...we...uh...kissed. Oh, Casey...I have never been kissed like that. It was absolutely incredible..."

"Oh, Liv! He kissed you? I can only imagine how awesome it was after waiting eight years!"

"It was...but I knew we should not, could not be doing that...I knew then we could not keep working together. I ran from Elliot to the park. I went to see Cragen...he said they needed help in Computer Crimes on the Island and he would see what he could do. Elliot came by that evening to give me my coat I left in the locker room...Grant came over so I would not be alone with El and then he made Elliot leave and when he opened the door...Dean was there and he and I argued and then Elliot hit him four of five times, Dean never got a hit in. I told him I knew about him checking on me and that I could not have a relationship with someone who does not trust me. So, we are broken up. And that is the story of my life for the last almost 48 hours." She let out a deep breath.

"Gosh, Liv. That is some story. Can't wait to hear all the gory details. Do you know when you will start in computer crimes?"

"Not until Monday. It's going to be a good bit further to commute...I didn't even think about that until later today. I'll be having to get up earlier to make it."

"You know what? Stay at my place. It's a lot closer and that way Elliot and Dean can't keep dropping by your place unannounced. I'll be gone for two weeks, so you'll have the place to yourself. And I would love the company when I get back. It's up to you. Just in case you decide to take me up on the offer, I'll call Dave and let him know he can give you my spare key in my desk, okay?" Casey said.

"Thanks, Case! That would be great. And it might help things quiet down with Dean and Elliot. Merry Christmas!" Olivia was excited about staying at Casey's place.

"Merry Christmas, Liv! See you in two weeks...but call me if you need me!" Casey hung up.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Elliot wished he knew who had sent that text message. He heard the chime and knew what it was indicating. She had checked it, flipped her phone closed and announced she was going for tea and could she get anyone coffee or anything. How obvious could she be. He knew she was going for privacy. She was going to call whoever had sent that message. Listen to him. He was jealous of a text message with words he had not seen from an unknown source. He hated that they had gotten here. To a place where neither really shared what was going on, to a place where she felt she had seek out places to hide just to talk to a friend. Or was it Dean? Not going to think about that possibility. In the past, she would have called whoever it was and talked right there in front of him. Heck, she would have told him who it was and probably read the message to him. Things have really changed.

Why was he miffed that she did not share things with him anymore? He did not tell her that he had met Kathy at the attorney's office at lunch time. Why? He thought it was because he wanted to wait this time, until he had the final papers in his hand. Then he would tell her and hand them to her and she would know he meant everything he told her, everything he felt about her. Maybe if he had told her this morning before that meeting that he was seeing his attorney today, maybe she would have turned Otero down flat. Maybe she would not be running away again. Maybe she would not be leaving him alone. Again. Maybe half their problems could be solved if they could find a way to talk to each other once again without fighting.

Tomorrow was Christmas and he worried about what she was going to do then and tonight. She and Dean must have had plans before all that went down yesterday, but he was relatively certain they had fallen by the wayside. Casey was out of town, Simon had moved. He still could not believe she had not told him about that. She shouldn't be alone. No one should be alone on Christmas eve and Christmas day. There was not much he could do about it. In years past, she had spent a couple of those holidays with him and his family. But, he knew Liv would not come and it would not go over well with Kathy if he invited her this year, anyway. Even though she agreed it was better for them to go their separate ways, she and Liv would never be best friends. Besides, Liv already had a best friend. He was her best friend. At least he used to be. Now he was a best friend that was going to let her be alone on Christmas. A best friend who was going to let her down. Again.

When Cragen let them leave early, he had gone to the locker room to get the dirty clothes that had accumulated over the last month or so in his locker. He'd bring a fresh stack Wednesday. As he opened the door, Munch was coming out.

"Low blow, Elliot. How could you say that?" The expression on Munch's face had a seriousness to it Elliot was not sure he had ever seen on him.

"What are you talking about, Munch?" He stopped and faced Munch, his hands on his hips.

"You know what I'm talking about...so cut the act." Munch closed the space between them and got right in Elliot's face.

Elliot narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth. "Really, I don't. Fill me in."

"Beck. How could you do that to Olivia?" His manner was protective, like that of a big brother.

"You know...this has nothing to do with you, okay. So, if you'll excuse me..." He started to push past him, but Munch took a step sideways to block him.

"Why do you have to keep hurting her, man? Why can't you leave her alone? Let her be happy?" Munch's demeanor was that of simmering anger, someone who was tired of the games being played.

Elliot's gaze took in the locker room, as he ran his hands over his head. Then he locked eyes with Munch. "Hurt her? Hurt her? She's not exactly innocent in this, John. She's done her fair share. She's running away, again. You think that doesn't hurt me? Huh?! She's leaving me. Again!" He felt tears springing to his eyes and there was no way he was going to cry in front of John Munch. He whirled around a hit the closest locker to him. The crash reverberated throughout the room and John's ears.

This was something else that had changed, Elliot mused. He was never one to share his feelings easily with others. Especially about a woman who was not his wife. He did not know when it had became all right for him to talk about his feelings to Munch and Fin and Cragen and Casey. It was like they had always known his and Liv's big secret. Maybe even before he and Liv. It was probably the most well-known secret in the NYPD.

Munch realizing how hurt Elliot was, placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're right. Sorry, man. I know how messed up you were when she was gone the other times. Sorry."

Messed up? What an understatement. John remembered how bad the first time had been Elliot was angry at her for not talking it out or at least telling him she needed a break. He and his first replacement partner, Lucius Blaine, got into a physical altercation and Elliot threatened to quit if Cragen did not get rid of Blaine. He had always been on the edge, quick to temper, ready to beat down a perp, but Olivia had a way of calming him, keeping a reign on him. Without her, his stability was gone and he became openly hostile, belligerent and aggressive. But she was only a floor above them and he still saw her occasionally.

When she pulled the undercover gig in Oregon, that was a whole different story. He had to go months without knowing where she was, how she was, seeing or talking to her. The day they came in and saw her desk cleaned out, Elliot held his own. But when Cragen would not say where she was, he started to lose it. So, he called her home phone and got that recording that the phone had been disconnected, and the look on his face, as he chewed his bottom lip, said it all. His lifeline had been cut and he was falling over the edge. This time the man was absolutely and completely lost without Olivia. He wasn't so outwardly angry this time. It was more a slow, burning, seething fury, bubbling and boiling inside of him, waiting until she returned to finally bubble over and explode. He would stare off into space for hours on end, if left alone. Someone would speak to him and he would look at them as though their words had no sound. He could not remember facts about a case. He was sloppy in the field. John sometimes thought Elliot hoped he would die in the line of duty. That it would be easier than the slow death he was dying everyday from the wound of his other half being torn from him. He forgot to eat, to sleep, to go home. He forgot how to live.

And then Dani Beck came along. His new partner. Elliot did not like her at first. He hated her because she was not Olivia. Because she reminded him Olivia was not there. He did not want another partner. Finally, he warmed to her. Maybe a little too much. But John realized it was his way of trying rid himself of Olivia because if he could, he'd rid himself of the pain she imparted as well. He tried to replace her with Dani. Only Dani was not Olivia and it was doomed from the beginning. It took him weeks to call her anything other than Beck or Detective Beck. He never referred to Olivia's desk as Dani's desk...it was always 'the desk'. John had noticed that and thought it was one way Elliot convinced himself she would be back. If the desk was still Olivia's, it meant she still had a place and she would come back to it. To him. John looked at his friend and was sorry for coming down on him. He knew this time would be worse than the first two.

- - - - - - - - - -

Captain Cragen in the spirit of Christmas, let everyone go home two hours early Christmas Eve. That is, except for two detectives, a couple of uniforms, and one administrative support person. Lake and Fin had been pulled to catch over Christmas Eve, pulling a second shift. They could leave at 12:00 a.m., but would be on call until the morning shift took over and 7:00 a.m.. Olivia had been scheduled off because she and Dean had plans, but since they broke up, she offered to take Fin's place so he could see his son with whom he had a troubled relationship. They had begun work things out recently. So, here she was at 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, playing Solitaire on the computer and listening to Lake sing along with Christmas songs he had going on the radio, while making phone calls on his cell to various friends. Probably all those friends he has in homicide and narcotics, she thought.

She hated to admit it, but she was feeling pretty depressed. She actually missed Dean, even if he didn't trust her, and wondered what he was doing at this moment. Eating? Opening gifts? She knew he was at his sister, Claire's, house in Jersey. She was suppose to go with him and meet his family tonight. How can things change so drastically and so quickly? She had looked forward so much to having someone special to spend the holidays with and meeting all of his family. She wondered how he explained her absence. She was really down. Otero had called to let her know she could not start until Monday, December 31, and that depressed her, too.

And, then her thoughts turned to Elliot and his Christmas Eve and she plummeted to the border of despair. She had on his gray hoodie she stole from his locker. It smelled like him...soap, cologne, fabric softener, sweat, just him. How she wished she was in his arms again, smelling him and not just an old sweatshirt hoodie substitute. He had not told her what he was doing, but she knew that most of the time they went to Kathy's parents' home about thirty miles upstate. Things were so confusing and volatile when it came to him, she got a headache every time she tried to sort out her feelings, things he said, things he claimed he was going to do, the kiss. She felt the beginnings of what promised to be a major one now. Opening her bottom left desk drawer, she pulled out a bottle of Tylenol. Instead of the usual two, she popped four, washing them down with a couple of swigs from her water bottle. She really did not want a headache tonight. She wished there was someone to just hold her and be with her. The way she felt right now, just about anyone would do. She was so sick and tired of being alone. Was it too much to ask to belong somewhere, to someone? To love and be loved? For someone to care?

"Hey, Liv!" Lake was motioning for her as he jogged over to her desk. On his way, he shoved a couple of desks up next to each other, clearing an area of the floor.

He had turned the radio up loud and she could hear the lively strains of 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' beginning.

"Dance with me!" His brown eyes twinkled, he was laughing and tugging on her hand, trying to get her up from her desk.

"No! I'm not very good at dancing..." She could not help but get caught up in his merriment. She was actually laughing with him.

"Come on! All you have to do is jump around a bit. I'll show you!" He grabbed both of her hands and tugged until she was standing with him.

"Lake..." She acted like she was trying to resist him, but she really did not try very hard.

He pulled her out to the floor and started dancing. He had to pick at her for a minute, but she finally gave in and started her own movements. He bumped her hips with his, making her lose her balance. He caught her and took her hands and pulled her up close to him and then spun her out and away and back. Then she did the same to him. They laughed and ragged each other to show another move. He danced a circle around her, she shimmied up close to him face to face, backed away and then did it again, back to back. He twirled her again and again. At the end, he surprised her by swinging her up in the air a bit and then dipping her. By the time the song ended, they were both out of breath and hysterical with laughter.

"Not very good? Wow, Liv! You were fantastic! Who'd have ever thought Detective Benson had those kind of moves in her." He still had both of her hands in his, smiling at her.

"Oh, I have moves you know nothing about, Detective Lake." She smiled a half smile and cocked her left eyebrow at him, her voice low. Benson, get a grip! He's got to be seven or eight years younger than you and you are flirting with him! Flirting? Flirting? Ha! That was a come on, if ever she had heard one!

The soft, mellow music of 'White Christmas' was playing now. So what if he was younger, he was still a man. He was kind of cute, too. His black shirt and pants coordinated with his jet black hair. His tie, decorated with pictures of the 'M&M' characters with Santa hats, hung loosely around his neck. His brown eyes, sparkled in the dimly lit squad room. Being Native American, his skin held a natural tan color, like hers. And the age difference did not seem to bother him one little bit.

"Oh, yea?" He pulled her up close to him, put her arms around his neck and his around her waist. He leaned and whispered in her ear. "Show me some of those other moves, Detective."

He was not quite as tall as Elliot and Dean, and not nearly as muscled but still in very good shape. It felt so good to just be held. The heat of his body was comforting. Her arms were still around his neck, and she laid her head on his shoulder. His heartbeat steady and oddly, comforting. He had his arms around her waist until about halfway through the song. He kept his left arm around her but splayed his hand across her back, gently moving it up and down. With his right hand, he reached up to slowly massage the nape of her neck and run his fingers through her hair. The scent of his cologne filled each breath she took. She loved it. It was not something Elliot or Dean would wear, but it sure smelled good.

Lake could not believe he was in the middle of the squad room dancing with Olivia Benson in his arms. When he first came to SVU, he had found her intimidating, and tried to stay out of her way. He eventually learned relax a bit around her. She was hard to get to know. Very private. He still found her intimidating. She didn't give him the time of day. Why would she? He was a junior detective, she seasoned and somewhat cynical. She was gorgeous, confident, articulate, tough, took nothing off anyone...except maybe Stabler from time to time. But she gave him as good as she got, too. Stabler. If he were to come in here right now, Lake would be a dead man. One of the first things he sensed, was that Olivia and Elliot were a package deal. No one had to say anything to him about it, either. There was some kind of weird connection between them he had never seen before in his life. Even though Stabler was married. How many people do you know that can carry on a whole conversation with just their eyes? He had never seen anything like it. The way they were always finishing the each others sentences, they seemed to read each other's minds, too. It was eerie, at times. Stabler was an idiot. He had gone back to his wife after a two year separation when it was obvious he could have had Olivia with the snap of a finger. There was definitely some kind of thing between them. Yet that did not stop him from holding Olivia close or pushing just a bit. He knew she had a rough couple of weeks and probably just needed a friend. He wanted to be that friend. Or whatever else she might want him to be.

The song had ended and another one started. Also a slow one. Her mind had gone blank and she could not even think of the name of it. His hand was so warm, strong as it massaged her neck. It felt so good. She felt the stress and tension leaving her body. She vaguely thought they should not be doing this, that there must be some rules they were breaking, but for the life of her, she could not think of a reason why. He was single. She was single. He was alone. She was alone. They were alone together. She pushed the thought aside and looked up at him.

"This is nice. I'm glad you asked me to dance." She whispered to him.

He bent down to hear her, his face so near. "And I'm glad you did." He kissed her gently on the lips. Just a quick, chaste kiss. She was so beautiful, he thought.

As he went to straighten up again, she used her left hand to pull his head back down, her lips sought his and she kissed him again and again, just soft, quick kisses. Finally, he cupped her face with his right hand and really kissed her. When she moaned, he nearly died. Olivia Benson moaning in his arms from his kisses. Elliot Stabler would rip him apart with his bare hands and scatter the pieces to the sharks!

She did not know what she was thinking. She was not thinking. She let Chester kiss her and then she kissed him back. She was enjoying it. She was in love with Elliot, she missed Dean and she was kissing Chester. And liking it. She was so whacked in the head. She needed to talk to Huang. Soon. They 'made out' for a good twenty minutes, just kissing, before he realized it was midnight and they could leave the precinct.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." He leaned in to kiss her once again, his hand running through her hair.

"Merry Christmas, Chester." She smiled, kissed him again and laid her head back on his shoulder.

"Do me a favor? Call me Ches. All my friends do. What do you say we go get a drink?" He was still holding her in his arms as they sat side by side on one of the desks.

Loneliness breeds desperation, she thought. She could not believe what she had done, was doing, and she had not even had a drink. She knew better than to agree to add alcohol to the mix. Things could get really crazy and they were already crazy enough as it is. No. Alcohol would only bring its own trouble to the table.

"Okay...Ches. How about O'Reilly's?" She suggested. She was crazy. And she knew it. But at that moment...she was positive she did not care.

"O'Reilly's it is!" He went to get his jacket.

Standing up from the desk, she looked around for her coat. It was then that she realized they had been sitting on Elliot's desk during their session. She could not help herself. The irony of it was just too much. She laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?" Chester asked as he came to her side, zipping his jacket.

"Nothing." Her head slightly shook side to side. "Nothing." Her voice was the slightest whisper.

Lake pulled her close in a hug, then let his hand slide down to the small of her back as held the door for her and led her out of the squad room.

Neither of them noticed the man standing in the shadows, his eyes narrowed, the muscle jumping in his jaw, his fists clenching and unclenching, his body coiled to strike.

"Merry Christmas, Olivia." He choked the words out in a gravelly whisper, as a lone tear traveled down his face and neck, disappearing into his shirt. "Merry Christmas."

- - - - - - - - - -

**A/N: **_A/N: Well, Apparently, I struck a sore spot with a lot of you...uh...all of you, with Beck, huh? Still undecided about that...depends on what direction I take. I can not decide if I should end this soon...a few more chapters and then maybe start a sequel or keep it going or just do a whole new story. What do you guys think? There are SO many more twists and turns that keep popping into my head. I do appreciate all of you who take the time to review. It is a powerful motivator. Thanks! " ) Bensler_


	22. Release

**Chapter 22 - Release**

O'Reilly's was packed. Music blared from a juke box in one corner while the soft strumming of a guitar and a man singing a folksy kind of pop music filled the other end of the bar. There was so much laughter and talking, the noise was more of a loud buzz than individual conversations. They found a couple of seats at the far end of the bar. Chester ordered a beer, but Olivia had decided on the walk over that she was not drinking anything with alcohol and she got a bottle of water. She decided she liked Lake and had enjoyed the evening with him, but she was not up for where it would probably head if she ended up with a few too many drinks. Or even maybe just a few. She realized she was depressed and tired of being alone, and somewhere between making out with Lake...uh...Ches...and the fifteen minute walk in the bitter cold, she had come to her senses. This was not her. She had been alone for a long time, and she could keep doing it if that is what she had to do. She was not going to try to find comfort just anywhere with just anyone. Now, she just had to figure out a way to back out of this and make Ches understand.

"Sure you don't want a drink?" He sipped his beer and nudged her with his elbow.

"Yea. I'm sure. The mood I'm in right now, shouldn't be mixed with drinking." She was pulling at the label on the bottle of water.

"You're in a mood? What mood? I thought we were having a pretty good time." He was smiling, but he had already sensed the shift in Olivia on the walk over.

"We were...are...I mean...Ches...I've had a great time with you tonight. It sure beat going home alone on Christmas eve..and...well..." She was grappling for the words to explain without making him feel badly.

"Just say what you gotta say, Liv." His voice held no anger. "I'm not into games...I say what I think, what I feel. I'd like the same from you." He spoke softly.

She looked at him intently to see if he meant it. He did. His demeanor was easy going and he was smiling. "Okay. Okay...earlier...the...you know...the making out...that is not me. Not who I am. I just needed someone to hug me and make me feel wanted."

"Liv, listen, I did not plan for any of that to happen...I mean, I just wanted you to dance with me...I...didn't want to...uh...sure if you wanted it to happen then...hey, you're a gorgeous woman and...but, I wasn't looking for a one night stand or anything...well, unless it was what you wanted." He waggled his eyebrows at her and she had to laugh. "I just want to be your friend...and whatever else you need. And any time you need a hug..." He opened his arms, she leaned into him and he gave her a quick hug. "I'm here!" He winked at her.

"I am really sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on or..or..make you think..." She looked at him and then around the bar, before catching his eye again.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. Really. Just let me be your friend, Liv...okay?" He put a hand over hers and squeezed it lightly.

"Ches...you don't know how much I could use a friend right now." She went back to picking at the bottle label.

"Hey, you can use me anytime...for anything!" He leaned into her and bumped her shoulder with his.

They laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood. The sorrow in her voice made him want to find Elliot Stabler and take him apart, because he intuitively knew he was the real reason for her mood, her depression and the sadness that lined her face.

"My life is so screwed up right now...its just so...there's a lot of things...well...you know I've been seeing Dean...and...we...uh...we had a fight...and we...we broke up yesterday. It was the first Christmas in years I was going to have someone special to spend it with...and...I think ...no...I am totally depressed."

"I wondered where he was and why you weren't with him tonight." He nodded his head in understanding. "Maybe you can work it out, huh?"

"Yea, maybe. And maybe I don't want to..." She looked at him and shrugged.

"Why? Seemed like you two were getting pretty tight, to me." He shifted and leaned on his elbow so he was facing her.

She nodded slowly. "We were...and if things in my life weren't so screwed up...we might have had a real chance...but...its hard to be with someone when...to commit...if you...when you...care about...I don't know."

"So your life isn't screwed up just because of Porter? There's more?"

"A lot more..." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.

"Why'd you guys fight? I mean, if you want to talk about it."

"Several things...but it came down to trust...and if you don't trust someone, how can you have a relationship with them...right?" What was it about him that made it so easy for her to talk? She didn't even really like him before tonight. Truth was, she had never even tried to get to know him, given him a chance.

"Trust is the basis for every relationship." He agreed, playing with the condensation that had pooled around the bottom of his mug.

"It doesn't matter, anyway...every time it seems like I might be able to have a real relationship with someone, he finds a way to sabotage it..." Realizing what she said, she trailed off, hoping he did not catch on. No such luck.

He stared at her, as though he were reading her mind. "Stabler." It was an observation, not a question.

"What!?" Her head snapped up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean what you meant. Stabler. He sabotages all your relationships. Right?"

This was one perceptive guy. He saw straight through her, cut to the chase and spoke the truth, no bars held. He was right. He did not play games. She was suddenly fearful that he could read her like that. No one except Elliot could read her so easily.

"Why would you say that?" Her eyes were flashing with her rising indignation.

"You just said it...not me." He countered, his eyes locked with hers.

"What?" Her left eyebrow shot up, her eyes widened.

"You said, and I quote, 'every time it seems like I might be able to have a real relationship with someone, he sabotages it' and it was obvious you weren't talking about Porter." Still looking into her eyes, he nodded his head.

"Yea...I guess I did say that...but it doesn't mean it was Elliot." She picked up her water and drank the rest of it.

"Who else would it be? It's no secret he's the one you are in love with." He watched her closely, trying to predict her reaction.

She sat perfectly still. She did not look at him. It seemed she had even quit breathing. For a long moment she was silent, staring at the empty bottle. The sigh that finally escaped was loud and heavy and deep.

"Told you my life was screwed up and I am totally depressed." Neither denying nor confirming his observation, she rolled her head form side to side, trying to relieve some of the tension she felt.

He reached over and massaged her neck and shoulders with one hand. "No ulterior motive. Promise." He assured her when she cut him a sideways glance. "Just helping out a friend."

"I think I can trust you." She popped him on the knee and leaned her head down so he could have better access to her neck. She let him do this for two or three minutes before she pulled away and looked up, her gaze catching something across the room that struck terror in her heart.

Across the crowded room, she saw him standing at the opposite end of the long bar. He was holding a drink in one hand, the other gripping the bar top. The relief she felt when she realized he was not looking their way, was short-lived, because in that instant she sensed something about his demeanor that made her know he had seen them.

"Chester, we've got to get out of here...I need to go home." The sudden anxiety, or was it fear, on her face along with the tone of her voice, startled him. .

"What? What's wrong?" He asked as his gaze shifted in direction she had been looking.

"No! No! Don't look that way! He will see you...me...us! Please, we have to get out of here without him seeing us." She was extremely distraught.

"Who? Without who seeing us, Liv?" He looked around again and this time he saw the reason for her panic and her frantic words. Stabler. "Liv, why are you acting like this?" He was truly puzzled.

"Like what? I just don't want to deal with him right now." Her voice was shaky.

"Liv, you are not married to the guy. Quit acting like you're cheating on him or something!" He was really surprised at how she was acting. "Let's just go say 'hi' to him, huh?"

"No! You don't get it. It is 12:30 a.m. Christmas morning. He has a wife and five kids and lives on the far side of Queens. He's not here in Manhattan just for the heck of it. He came looking for me and he has already seen us." She wanted him to understand how bad this was or could become. He had not been in SVU long enough to see just how explosive Elliot's temper could be. Especially when she was the cause for it.

"He is not acting like he has seen us." He just did not see the big deal.

"He has. I...I...just...feel it." She was biting her lower lip and bouncing her leg on the footrest.

"Like you feel he came looking for you? Why do you think that he would do..." He was beginning to understand. "Ohhh. There is more to all of this between the two of you."

"What? No! He knew I was going to be alone for Christmas and he..he probably just didn't want me to be alone."

His eyes squinted as he looked at her, trying to decide his response. "Whatever you say...come on. Let's get you home."

Somehow, Chester managed to get them out of the bar without Elliot seeing them. At least he never acted like he saw them. Olivia had calmed down since they left, but she kept looking out the back window of the cab, like she was expecting him to follow.

"Olivia. You can't let him control your life like this." He hugged her to him, wishing he could help her realize what she was doing to herself. And letting Stabler do to her.

"He doesn't control my life!" Her protest was in vain.

He knew it and she knew it. Elliot does not control her life, she thought. No. He is her life. She sure has made a royal mess of trying to make her own life and world, apart from him. She wished somehow it had worked out with her and Dean.

"What do you call it, then? He's married, you are single. You can date anyone and everyone you want and he does not get to have a say in that...or at least he should not get a say in it. Yet, you are acting like you stepped out on him and all we have done tonight is dance, kiss a little and sat at a bar talking. You have done nothing wrong, Olivia!"

Then why does it feel like I have stepped out on him, like I have done something terribly wrong, she wanted ask him. "You don't understand...he...I..."

Deep down, she knew why she felt that way and she wanted to tell him, she really did. But she knew she couldn't. She knew he would not be able to understand this thing between them. Even she and Elliot did not understand it. Not really. That was part of why they fought all the time. Elliot owned her and in some twisted way, she knew she owned him, too. Even if he was married. It came back to what they had admitted to each other. They did not know where one of them ended and the other began because they were not their own person anymore. They were so enmeshed heart, mind and soul, that all the links could never be cut to extricate them from one another. To take one away would devastate the other. How do you explain something like this?

"I do understand. You have let him sabotage your relationships with other men. Liv, you need to stand up to him. He should not have this kind of control over you. He has no right." He was angry at her for letting him do this to her and at Stabler for presuming he a right to mess with her heart when he was unavailable.

"I know. I know. That is why I am going to Computer Crimes. I have to put space between us...maybe...maybe then...I can...release him...and...live my own life."

For some reason, Lake doubted that, but he agreed with her. "Yea. I think that will be really good for you, Liv. Both of you."

He kept the cab waiting while he walked Liv to the door of her building. "Thanks for every thing, Ches. For the dances, the hugs, the talking, the advice. For being a friend." She smiled and gave him a hug.

"Anytime. Think about what I said...do not let him keep controlling you, okay?" He hugged her goodnight and started down the steps.

"Oh...if you don't have plans and want to, maybe we could meet for Christmas dinner somewhere..." He had turned back to her just as she was opening the door.

"I don't know...I'll call you. Merry Christmas." She disappeared into the building.

- - - - - - - - - - -

He had been so preoccupied at the family Christmas eve get together at Kathy's parents tonight and then later when he and Kathy were putting the kids' gifts under their tree, that she finally said something to him

"Elliot, what is wrong? It's like you haven't been here all night?" She searched his face for an answer.

"Uh..nothing. Why would you say that?" He tried to smile but did not quite make it.

"We may have decided we are not good together anymore, but I can still tell when something is bothering you. So..." She left it open for him to finish.

"I don't know...I just...I..." How was he supposed to tell his wife, even if she was soon to be his ex-wife, that he was concerned about the woman she had been jealous of for so long.

"Olivia." She sighed and cocked her head, looking at him almost sympathetically.

"She's alone. Tonight and Christmas. She's always alone. Not just now. Always. No one should be alone at Christmas..." His words were merely a whisper.

Kathy looked at him. There was such sadness in his eyes. She did not know where or how she found it in her to say it, but she did. Somehow she was able to release him this time. "Go." She reached out and touched his face.

She wished she could hate her. Olivia. For a long time, she thought she did. She was jealous of the beautiful woman who spent more time with Elliot than anyone else did; jealous that he shared things with her that he could not share with his own wife. Jealous that she knew her husband in a way that she, his wife, never would. Jealous that he talked to Olivia, but then had no words for her. Jealous that all she had to do was call and he went to her, even if it was that they caught a case, because, in her heart, she knew he would go to Olivia, no matter why or when she called. She had seen how they interacted, how they needed no words to connect; how silence between them said everything that needed to be said. She had listened to them finish the others sentence, watched them anticipate the others move and react accordingly. She did not have the opportunity to see them together very often, and yet through the years she had seen all of these things. Like everyone else who knew them, she had felt that connection, that bond between them. And, yes, she had been jealous. But, now, it was time to let it go. To let Elliot go. It had to be over.

She had tried to blame her for taking Elliot away from her, for the state of their marriage, but when she was honest, she knew Elliot had been gone and their marriage had been dying for years before Olivia was ever a part of his life. Of her life. Of her family's life. If it were not for Olivia, she may not be alive right now. Her son may not be asleep in his crib. She thought Olivia had taken her husband away, yet, she knew Olivia had given her back her son. No, she could not hate her. But, neither she could not wish her well, not if it included Elliot. Not yet. One day, but not yet.

Total shock came over his face now. "What?" His voice was shaky, his eyes questioning what he just heard.

"Go, Elliot. Go, see about Olivia." There was no smile on her face, but neither was there condemnation or anger.

He could not believe his wife was giving him permission to go to the woman he loved, had loved for longer than he could remember. They had been sitting on the floor, wrapping gifts and placing them under the tree. He stood up and took her hands, pulling her up in front of him. He held her hands and looked into her eyes, scanning them for any hint that what she said was just a joke. A cruel joke. But then she smiled, just a small smile and nodded her head.

Taking her face in his hands, he leaned close and whispered. "Thank you, Kathy. Thank you." Then he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, released her and ran to get his coat.

- - - - - - - - - -

As he drove to the precinct, his excitement at getting to see Olivia, left no room for him to think about anything else. He knew she would be getting off in less than an hour and he was going to ask her to get a bite to eat and just talk. Now, as he waited for the elevator, he started to worry that she was not going to be alone, that perhaps she did have plans. Maybe she and Dean made up. Maybe he would just have to kill him. Because his wife told him he could come to Olivia and no one was going to keep him from her. The elevator opened and instead of the silence of an empty office that he expected, he heard loud music and talking and laughter. He smiled to himself, thinking that someone sure was having fun. Coming down the hall way, he realized the song was "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and at almost the same time he realized the laughter was Olivia's and someone else's. A man. Then he spoke and he knew it was Lake. When he got to the double doors of the squad room, he saw them dancing. He walked into the squad room and decided to stand off to the side by some file cabinets, so he could watch them without being seen himself. It was a fast dance and he had no problem with that. In fact, he was a little surprised, and proud, to see how well Liv danced. She was really something.

When the song ended, he was about to clap and say something complimentary, when he heard Lake say something. "Who'd have ever thought Detective Benson had those kind of moves in her." His smile faded and he felt the anger creeping up on him.

Then, he heard Olivia speak. "Oh, I have moves you know nothing about, Detective Lake." What? She was coming on to Lake!

A slow song had come on and he watched as Lake pulled her up close to him, put her arms around his neck and his around her waist. She did not protest and, in fact, seemed to be enjoying herself very much. He leaned and whispered in her ear. He could not hear what he said, nor her answer, but he did not have to for his heart to stop beating and his stomach start churning.

He was glued to has hiding place. He felt like he was watching something he should not. He was. But he was powerless to leave or take his eyes from her. Them. He saw them dance, their bodies so close together, they seemed so...so intimate. Another slow song came on and they kept dancing. He saw Lake's hands moving on Olivia's back and shoulders and neck. Saw her look up and say something. Saw them kiss. Breathing became something he had to remind himself to do and he had to steady himself against the file cabinets. He wanted to shout at them to stop. He wanted to throw Lake through the window. But he stood in silence, listening to the rush of blood in his ears as the pounding of a major headache began to beat a steady rhythm in his head. Watching as they sat on a desk and began to kiss. The he noticed the desk they were on was his! The anger flared up within him, bu he could not tear his eyes from them.

The only good thing he could see was that they apparently kept the action to kissing only. He was upset enough with that, especially now that he knew how she kissed. How soft her lips were on his. He kept telling himself he no right to feel angry at her, jealous of Lake. He had no right. She was single. He had no claims on her. So why did it feel like she was being unfaithful to him. He could not take much more. This next month had to pass quickly or he would never live to the end. Until then he needed to find a way to release her, if only temporarily. From his thoughts, from his expectations, from his life.

He followed them to the bar and because it was so crowded, he easily got lost among the people. There was a mirror across from Liv and Lake that reflected into a mirror near Elliot. It was perfect, he could almost face away from them and yet have a perfect view of the couple's reflection. They seemed cozy enough, although he had sensed some change in the dynamics between them from the squad room to now. Liv ordered water. That was a good sign. At least she would not be doing anything stupid under the guise of inebriation. If she did anything, she would be sober and have no excuse. They mostly talked. She seemed sad, depressed. Lake hugged her a couple of times. Quick hugs. And he bumped shoulders with her and she slapped his knee, but he saw no kisses, nothing that would indicate they were potential lovers. He breathed a bit easier. The fact that she had seen him, did not escape him. He could tell she was very anxious. He pretended not to see them. When they left, he followed. As soon as they were in the cab, he ran for his car and headed to her apartment.

He parked several blocks away and walked to a building just across the street and went up the stairs. He was hidden in the dark of the doorway and could see them on Liv's stoop. He felt guilty for spying on her. But he had to know. Had to know if she carried this with Lake any further. He saw white puffs of air from the cab's exhaust. Relief washed over him, because that meant the cab idling by the curb of Olivia's building, waiting for Lake. That meant she had not invited him up to her apartment. That meant that they were not...well, he was so relieved. His mind was in overload still trying to process all the things he saw tonight. He would never have expected Olivia to be with Lake. As far as he could tell, she did not even really seem to like him. Well, things change. Look at them. She used to like him and now she could not wait to get away from him. He could not decide how to handle the Lake issue. He wanted to break every bone in Lake's body and that was just for starters. He wanted to storm up to Olivia's apartment and chew her up one side and down the other about what she had done tonight. But he knew he no right even though he felt like he did by the pure simple fact that he was so in love with her. He wished it were simple. He had to somehow maintain his composure, what little he had left, for just a while longer. He kept watch until the cab drove away with Lake and he saw the light in Olivia's apartment come on. He knew she was safe. Alone.

- - - - - - - - -

She was so keyed up at having seen Elliot at the bar, she knew it would be futile to attempt to sleep right now. He had seen them. She knew it and she knew it was probably just a matter of time before she heard the knock on her door signaling that the latest round of their ongoing fight was about to begin. What was she thinking tonight with Chester Lake, anyway? Sure she was lonely, depressed, but she did not usually try to find comfort in someone's arms. Not like that. Her senses must have taken a leave absence without letting her know. Thank God, they returned before she did something she would have totally regretted.

How could she even pretend to be interested in someone else. There was only one man she had ever really loved. Only one man she had let get close to her, know her like no one else in the world knew her. She was so helplessly, hopelessly in love with Elliot Stabler it made her physically ill at times to even be near him. He has always done and said things that screwed with her head and the last few weeks he has really knocked himself out in that department. He made it sound like he and Kathy were splitting up again and that he wanted her, Olivia Benson. She could not think of anything that would make her happier, more content than to be with him, but she was not going to fall into the trap she did the first time they split. She had spent almost two years waiting for him to make a move, declare his love for her and it never happened. She had been hurt, ignored, taken the brunt of his misplaced anger, pushed aside, replaced by Dani, trumped by Kathy and her pregnancy, basically treated like crap and yet, controlled by his jealousies of any man that might be in her life, stripped of any happiness she might possibly have because he always gave her just enough to keep her hanging on. Hanging on the hope that one day...one day he would come for her and they would be together

Well, this time he had made a move, more than one actually, and been declaring his feelings, if not coming right out and saying love. But she is not going to play that game. Before she is going to give him the time of day, he needs to show her the final divorce papers. Then, and only then, will she enter the game. All she has to do is maintain her distance and her composure long enough for that to happen or for him to tell her he has chosen Kathy yet again. She wanted to believe that he really was going to do something this time so they could be together. But she was not going to put herself in temptations way, continuing to hang on for the ride and hope for the best, only to end up hurt once more when he throws her away again. She would not survive it this time. She wouldn't.

Why couldn't life be simple? Easy? It seemed like it was for some people. But not for her. Never for her. Maybe it was some kind of punishment because she had the blood of a rapist running through her veins. Maybe it was some perverted plan to make her life so miserable so she would never find someone to put up with her and have children and a real family. That way the defective genes could not be passed on. She was exhausted. Her mind started going in all kinds of weird directions when she was this tired. She should probably go to bed, but she knew she would not sleep. She decided to take a quick shower. At least she could get ready for bed and then if she fell asleep that would be great.

She had put on her green and blue plaid flannel pajama bottoms and Elliot's navy blue long-sleeved NYPD t-shirt. She loved wearing his clothing. It made her feel close to him and almost like he was holding her. It was probably stupid to feel that way, but she did. Standing by the stove waiting for the tea kettle to whistle, she saw the box. The same one she had unwrapped the other day, then re-wrapped and pushed to the back of the counter. The gold gift box with the red bow...Elliot's Christmas gift. She picked it up and held it. Looking at it, she remembered the day she had it made and how she could not wait to give it to him. Today was Christmas, but she doubted she would even hear from him, much less see him. Besides, she was not about to give him this gift now. She opened the box and stared at the contents. It was not very big and it was not expensive. It really was not much of anything, in and of itself. And, yet, it was everything.

All of a sudden she burst into tears. She held that box in her trembling hands, as her shoulders began to shake and the tears flowed from her eyes. Her tears turned to sobs, as she slid to the floor, clutching the gift to her chest. She did not know how long she cried. But the tea kettle was screaming and half the water was gone, when it finally caught her attention. She slowly pulled herself up from the floor and turned off the stove. Wiping tears from her eyes, she poured the water into her waiting mug...it almost filled it up. She opened a tea bag, put it in the hot water and while she waited for it to steep, she re-wrapped the gift. As she was putting it back on the counter, her cell phone rang causing her heart to jump into her throat. It was 1:30 in the morning. Christmas. Please don't be a case. The thought popped into her head before she had a chance to realize, if it was not a case, the only other possibility was even less desirable at this particular moment.

Caller I.D. said 'El'. Great. It wasn't a case because Lake would be the one calling her since they were catching until 7:00 a.m. So, it was Elliot wanting to talk. She could just ignore it, pretend she was asleep. Or just ignore it and let him know he was being ignored. Lord knows he had ignored her plenty of times over the last couple of years. Or it might be a big case and Elliot got called on it, too. Unlikely, but it seemed any way she looked at it, she had to answer. She picked it up and flipped it open.

"Benson." She wanted to sound professional, like his partner, not a friend.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." His voice was warm and soft.

She waited a moment. "Merry Christmas to you, too, Elliot. Why are you calling so late?"

"Wanted to wish you 'Merry Christmas'" He explained

"What if I had been asleep?" She knew it would not matter to him.

"You weren't." He sounded so sure of himself, cocky.

"How do you know I wasn't? She stirred the cream in her tea and took a swallow.

"I just know."

"What if I have company?" She just had to throw that in, didn't she?

I'd beat the crap out of him. "You don't."

"And you know this how...? She shook out the tea kettle and placed it upside down in the rack to dry.

"I just know. So, how did you like catching with Lake?" He spoke slowly and carefully, like he was trying not to get upset.

Her mind went blank. She did not know how to answer. She was certain he had seen them. Then again, if he had, he would not be calling her on the phone. He would be standing outside her apartment, banging on her door, demanding that she open up and let him in. Casey always tells them to just answer the questions, when they had to testify. Don't offer anything more than the shortest answer. Okay. She could do this.

"Fine. You go to your in-laws?" Let's try to change the subject.

Yea. I could see that you liked it just fine. "Uh, yea. We did. Get any calls?"

"No. So, everything go okay?" She wanted to get him talking about his night, not hers.

"Everything was fine. No calls at all?"

"No. It was quiet." She nipped at her bottom lip with her teeth. He was fishing for information.

"What did you do?" He could picture her, biting her lower lip, brows knit together.

Now that's a loaded question. "Uh...played solitaire, listened to Christmas songs on the radio."

"What's your favorite Christmas song?" He could almost see her eyebrow shoot up.

Crap! She had offered more information than he needed. "Uh...I don't know. Don't really have one, I guess." Please don't tell me you saw us in the bullpen.

"I think mine would have to be 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree'. I like the beat." He worked to keep his voice steady.

The sudden racing and pounding of her heart was making her lightheaded. She tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in her chest. That's his favorite song? Coincidence? She wished. "Yea...th..that's a good one."

"Of course, the slower ones are good, too." He paused. He was going to make her squirm.

"Uh-huh." Words were sticking in her throat now.

"Like, uh... 'White Christmas' and..what's that other one I really like...oh, yea... 'I'll be Home for Christmas'."

That was the name of the second song she could not remember! 'I'll be Home for Christmas'! Oh, no! He must have come to the precinct. He saw them dancing. He would never have come up with those three songs by pure chance. He followed them to the bar. She thought she was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen. She had to figure out how to breathe again. Soon. She was taking too long to answer, so he spoke again.

"I think those are my favorite slow ones. Do you like those songs?" He knew he was messing with her head.

Every time he thought back to seeing her with Lake, it messed with his head, so she deserved a bit herself. That she would let someone she barely knew hold her close, dance with her like that, kiss her twisted his insides so bad, he really thought he could die from the pain. But he knew he had no right, not yet, to feel this way and he was determined not to act like he did. He was going to let her know he saw them, let her know he did not like it, but he was going to also let her know that he understood that what she did was none of his business, not yet. But one day soon, it would be.

"Uh...I...well...I...guess...I mean...they're okay." She was stammering, barely able to string the words into a sentence.

"Easy to dance to, wouldn't you say?" He was enjoying this little game he was playing.

"I...I don't...don't know." She mumbled, ashamed.

Why did she feel ashamed?! She had done nothing wrong! He saw them and she felt guilty. It should not matter. He has no hold on her. Oh, but that was where things went off track. He did have a hold on her. That connection, that bond...it bound her to him as tightly as if they were married, maybe even tighter, because it was just between them and not recognized or reinforced by civil law or the church or a piece of paper.

"Come on, Liv. Sure you know. Were they easy to dance to?" He was working hard to keep the anger out of his voice. He was not going to get mad.

"Elliot...look...I'm really tired and I need to get some sleep..." Her stomach was tightening, the knot in it becoming more noticeable by the second.

"Yea. I bet you are...dancing can really wear a person out. So can other activities..." She could hear the smirk that she knew was on his face, in his voice.

"I am going now. Goodnight, Elli..."

"Like kissing. That can wear you out, too, if you do it long enough." The soft laugh held no humor.

"Listen, I have to..." She need to get off this phone!

"Olivia...open the door...let me in." His quiet voice was just above a whisper.

What? He was here? At her apartment? Her head jerked to the door and she quickly, but quietly ran to look through the peep hole. He was leaning against the wall across from her door, his cell phone pressed to his ear. Elliot Stabler had come for her.

- - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Whoa! I halfway expected a lynch mob on my front lawn after that last chapter. It is a good thing no one knows where I live!!! ") Bensler

- - - - - - - - - - - - -


	23. Renewal

**Chapter 23 - Renewal**

Leaning her forehead against the cool wood of the door, she tried to calm herself. He was on the other side of it, waiting for her to open it. Waiting for her. She was about as nervous as she had ever been in her life. The rapid beat of her heart was so hard, it almost hurt and her breathing was so shallow, she was sucking for air but there was not enough. The knots in her stomach were tightening and making her feel nauseous. Her hands were shaking and her knees were weak. The blood had rushed to her head so quickly, she felt faint. A cold sweat had descended upon her body. Stricken with an overwhelming feeling of panic, dread and fear of Elliot Stabler confronting her about her activities of tonight, she would be relieved to find these were merely symptoms of some rare and incurable disease. She kept remembering what had happened the last time he had seen her dancing with someone, Dean, and the resulting confrontation in the locker room. She was terrified of a repeat performance. This time there was no one to pull him away from her.

"Liv? Let me in." He repeated his demand.

She could just tell him to go away. Yes, that was what she would do. Tell him to go away. Right. Like he would listen to her. He has not listened to her in over two years. What would make him start back now? It was late at night. Or early in the morning. If she did not let him in, he would make a scene by calling her name and pounding on her door until the neighbors complained and she had to open it. She should probably bypass the scene and leave the neighbors in peace. She still had her cell phone to her ear. She flipped the phone shut, took a deep breath, unlocked the three locks and opening the door, she stood face to face with him. He had on faded jeans, a green sweater with a white t-shirt showing around the neck and his big woolen overcoat. She loved seeing him dress casually. He looked so good. He looked straight at her with those beautiful baby blues and she willed herself not to melt.

He wondered what was taking so long for her to open the door. He knew she was looking out the peep hole, trying to figure out a way to get him to leave. He was not going anywhere. He had come to see her so she would not be alone on the holiday. That he had seen her doing something that tore his heart out, was only a major glitch. He was not going to give in to his anger and jealousy. He kept reminding himself he had no right to feel these things. He was not her husband or her boyfriend. He was not even her partner for much longer, because she was going to Computer Crimes. The way they had been fighting lately, he was barely even her friend right now. He could hear her breathing on the phone. He was about to tell her for the third time to let him in, when he heard the clicks and slides of metal as the locks were undone and the door opened.

He quickly scanned her, head to toe. "Dressed for bed, huh?" He stood there staring at her, with that trademark smirk of his stretching across his face.

"Well, it is 1:45 in the morning and most people are a sleep at this time." Sarcasm coating her words, she nodded toward the clock on the DVD player.

"Yea. Christmas morning. Merry Christmas, Liv." He grinned at her. Moving from the wall to the doorway, he entered her apartment.

"We already covered the Christmas greetings." She reminded him, stepping aside so he could come in. She closed the door, and locked it.

"Not face to face." His hands were jammed in his front jean pockets and he was bouncing on the balls of his feet. Both were things he tended to do when he was nervous. He seemed very nervous. Not angry. Not at all.

No matter, she was not letting her guard down until she figured out what was going on. "Why are you here, Elliot?" This was probably the proverbial lull before the storm, so she was braced for anything.

"Can't a guy come see his partner and wish her a 'Merry Christmas'?" Walking past her, he took off his coat and laid it on the back of the couch where he always put his jackets or coats or hoodies.

"You didn't come all the way over here from Queens in the early morning hours of Christmas just to wish me holiday cheer. What's up?" Maybe if she seemed tough, confident, he would not explode about her being with Lake.

"Nothing..." He was facing away from her, his hand still on the coat he had laid down, his head bent down.

"How'd you get away from home? You didn't lie to Kathy again, did you? I'm not covering your butt this time. And by the way, you never did tell me why you lied about that case last week." She figured she might as well put it all out there while she was at it.

Remaining near the door she looked him over from behind. He seemed...something...she could not exactly name the emotion she felt coming from him. But he did not seem like himself...arrogant, confident, full of life.

"Kathy knows where I am." Turning toward her, his voice was steady and his eyes clear, as they locked with hers.

Her left eyebrow shot up, her eyes became big as saucers, her mouth fell open. It took several long seconds before she could speak and then it was barely a whisper. "She knows?"

He just nodded his head and kept his eyes on hers. He wondered was she questioning did Kathy know about them, that they have more than partner feelings for each other, or did Kathy know he was coming to see her. He should tell her that Kathy knew it all.

"Wow." She ran her hands through her hair, walked to the couch and sat down. "Must have been some fight..."

"No fight." He shook his head and went to sit beside her, leaving about two feet between them.

He leaned forward, his arms draping over his spread legs, his fingers intertwined. She curled up into the corner of the sofa, her feet tucked up under her.

"You told her you were coming here and there was no fight...before or after?" This was certainly puzzling and her face told him she was not sure whether or not to believe him. .

"She told me to come." He glanced at her, let his gaze fall to the floor, then back to her.

"What?" Both of her eyebrows raised as her eyes widened, in utter surprise. "Why?"

"I guess I was kind of quiet all night...she asked what was wrong...I couldn't tell her I had been thinking about you all evening..." He paused, looking to see her reaction. He saw nothing. "About you being alone tonight and on Christmas..."

She had looked away and was staring at the wall, like she was in a trance of some kind. He took the opportunity to really look at her. She sat balled up as tight as she could, backed into the corner of the couch as far from him as possible. It was almost as if she was trying to protect herself or maybe keep from doing something she would regret. Her pajama pants were too long and she had them pulled down over her bare feet. Well, he could see the one foot covered by them and assumed the other was covered, too. The NYPD t-shirt was much too big for her, he thought, but then realized it was one of his. He was not sure why, but it made him feel good when he saw her wearing his clothes. He smiled at the sight. Her hair was still damp from the shower, her face free of make-up and she was so beautiful. He felt his heart skip a beat and his breath catch in his throat. He never tired of watching her. He would watch her at work when he was sure see would not notice. She would kick his butt if she ever figured out what he was doing.

After several minutes, she broke out of her trance and her face crumpled into a frown, her gaze still upon the wall. "What did you tell her?" Her voice was soft, tentative.

"That I didn't know what was wrong...but then...then she...she looked at me with this strange look on her face and...and she said your name." He ran his hands up and down his denim clad thighs, then over his face, sighed loudly and stood up, walking to the other side of the living room. "When I heard your name, the words just tumbled out. I told her you were alone. It was Christmas eve. You were always alone, not just holidays, but always. No one should alone on Christmas eve or Christmas." He paused again, trying to gauge her reaction. She would not look at him, but he could see her eyes filling with tears. "She told me to go see about you."

She was floored by all he had just said. He told Kathy he was worried about her spending the holidays alone and Kathy had told him to come see about her. She had given Elliot permission to be with her, the woman she had been so jealous of for eight and a half years. How wicked weird was this situation? She could not look him in the eye. She fingered the hem of her t-shirt...uh...his shirt, as she tried to process what he had just told her and what it meant.

"And she was all right with you coming to see me?" She could not get past Kathy telling him to come to her. She was simply amazed.

"It was her idea..." He had walked back across the room and was standing almost in front of her.

"But why? Why would she do that? Be okay with you coming to me? After all this time..." Finally, her eyes met his. They were so blue.

"We...we met with the...the attorney today...uh..yesterday...Monday. Started the process again." He did not look away from her.

"Process?" Her mind seemed to be shrouded in haze. His words were not making any sense to her.

"Divorce proceedings. They still had everything on file from before, so we basically just had to add some stuff in about the baby and sign a few papers."

"You are really going through with it? Is Kathy okay?" Somehow, she felt sorry for Kathy. She stood, stretched and walked toward the door.

"Yea, we are. She's fine. The way things have been with us...well, neither of us want to subject E.J. to that...you know how we always fought...it's never changed." He snorted as his lips lifted in a slight smile. "It's crazy, but since we came to this decision, its like a weight has been lifted from both of us and we have actually been getting along better. We even had a civilized lunch and discussed some things about the house and kids without raising our voices."

"That was your early lunch?" She recalled what he had told Munch yesterday after the meeting in Cragen's office. Trying to release some tension, she put her hands on the back of her neck and bent her head backwards, forwards and sideways.

"Yea." He walked closer to her.

"And I thought you had gone to find Dani..." She ran one hand through her hair, the other still crooked around her neck.

"Olivia...I already told you I don't want her back..." His eyes narrowed as he sighed.

"But, you asked if she was still around and I thought that you..." She was frowning and looking down at the floor.

"I was not going after Dani and anyway, you have no room to talk!" Against his will, he felt the anger beginning. His hands went to his hips, his legs spread apart and he was ready for battle.

"What?" Reacting to his tone and stance, she bristled with her own anger.

"Oh, come on! Don't play Miss Innocent, Liv!" He was just a small step from fury and knew he needed to back off, but he could not.

"What do you mean?" She was on the defensive now.

He was in fight mode, his temper about to blow. Yes, she was right. The lull before the storm. No one else was there to protect her, so she would have to take care of herself. Well, she had done it all her life. Alone. She was ready.

"Porter. Lake. You want details? Oh, that's right! You were there! You know all the details!" His smile was a sneer, his laughter mocking and his voice loud.

"That's not fair, Elliot. I have no commitments to anyone. I'm single and I can see whoever I want, whenever I want, go wherever I want, do whatever I want and no one can say anything about it!"

She had taken a step toward him and they were standing less than a foot apart. Her chocolate brown eyes were black as coal, the pupils non-existent. She was fuming.

"Yea, like kissing your married partner," emphasizing the word 'married', "breaking up with your boyfriend on the same day and then hanging all over and kissing a different guy the next day." The vein in his neck pulsated with every beat of his racing heart. "Yea, Liv, you can do whatever you want...you can do any guy that looks at you and..."

She winced at his careless words, wounded to the depth of her soul, her heart shredded. Tears pooled in her eyes. It was pure unabated reflex that had her hand poised and swinging to meet his face before she could think better of it. Had she taken an extra second to think, she would have decked him instead. As it was, the slap echoed throughout the small apartment. Olivia Benson hit hard. Her hand stung from the contact, as did his face. It hurt like the devil. The burning imprint of her hand already welting up in bright red upon his cheek, did nothing to quell the anger that rose in him. He had insinuated she was a loose woman and justly felt the wrath of the woman he loved as she slapped him. Even that did not bring sense to his mind warped with jealousy. He grabbed her wrist and held her tightly, as she tried to jerked away from him. His eyes were fiery from the rumbling, burning anger inside of him.

"How could you say that to me? You have no right to say that. No right. Is that what you really think of me, Elliot? Is that what you think I am?" The tears threatened to fall at any moment. Her expression held unbridled hurt and pain.

"No, no...that is not what I think...I should never have said that...I...am...so..." He was instantly remorseful and wished he could take the words back. He loosened his grip on her.

His stuttering attempt at an apology was cut off as she spoke again. "I will not take this kind of treatment from anyone. Especially, not my married partner!" Jerking her wrist again, this time, she broke the hold.

"Soon to be divorced partner. And because of you. Because I..." He was breaking. Slowly. Speaking softly, he reached out his hand to touch her face.

She swatted his hand away and stepped back from him. "No! No! There is no way you are laying your dead marriage at my feet! I did not cause you and Kathy to split up and I am not going to take the blame!! It is not my fault and how dare you say such a thing!" She spat the words at him.

She was possibly the angriest he had ever seen her. Her face was red and vein bulged down the middle of her forehead. The only time he had ever seen that happen was when she laughed, her deep, hysterical, from the gut laughter that he loved to hear. It was odd seeing it now in anger. Her eyes narrowed, the intensity of them such that he could barely hold her gaze. She was trembling, her fists balled up hanging by her sides and he could hear her rapid breathing. He almost felt as though he was looking in a mirror. No wonder perps cowered before him, ready to confess. Ashamed of the accusations he had thrown at her, coupled with the fact she thought he blamed her for the demise of his marriage, his anger evaporated.

"Liv..." He took a step toward her and she took one away from him. "That's not what I meant..."

"And just how many things could it mean? You said it was because of me!" Her breathing was still fast and uneven.

"You didn't let me finish..." His eyes pleaded for understanding. They found none. He took another step toward her. This time she staid her ground.

When did he quit being so angry, she wondered? Where did the fury go? It seemed like it happened all of sudden. One minute they were both yelling and he was saying and insinuating horrible things, accusing her of breaking up his marriage. The next minute he has transformed into this almost calm, quiet, softly speaking stranger. Yet, she remained on high alert, defensive, anger coursing through her like it was her lifeblood.

"So...finish." Crossing her arms across her body just below her breasts, her voice more of a dare than a command. The look in her eyes was a hardened, unforgiving one.

He rubbed his neck and then ran his hands through his hair and over his face. He bent over, putting his hands on his knees, took several deep breaths and stood upright again. His eyes searched hers, trying to hear what she was saying...something...anything. But his cruel spoken words had silenced the words in her eyes.

"I was...was going to say because...I finally admitted I can't live without you. Since the accident...when I realized I could have lost you...my life makes no sense without you. There is this...this thing between us that if it was ever broken, I wouldn't survive it. Liv, there is so much more I want to say, but now is just not the right time. I want to put this part of my life, Kathy and me, to rest. Then I'll be free to tell you everything I feel...that is, if that is what you want." He paused, watching her intently.

She had not taken her eyes off of him while he was speaking. Now, she looked down, unwilling or unable to face him. Silent. He stood for just a minute more, then closed the remaining space between them. He gently put his fingers under her chin and lifted her face to him.

"I swore I was not going to get angry tonight. I was not going to fight with you about Porter or Lake or anything. I know I have no right to be upset or jealous or mad at you living your life however you choose and I am going to do my best to let you live your life for now. At least until I have the final papers in my hand. Liv, I just didn't want you to alone tonight or on Christmas."

Tears were running down her face, down her neck, she sniffled and wiped at them. Tears pooled in his eyes as well. He took her face in his hands and erased the tears with his thumbs. She put her hands on his waist. Their eyes locked, and that was all they needed to say everything there was to say. The silent conversation of words without sounds, that said it all. He could hear them once again. He pulled her to him and kiss her on the forehead.

"I just want to be near you, Liv. To hold you. Let me hold you, please." He stroked her hair and whispered into it.

Her only response was to pull him closer and hold him tighter. They stood there holding one another for a very long time. It felt so good just being close, feeling each others warmth. He did not kiss her nor did he plan to because he knew he still had no right and he was determined to wait until he did.

Finally, she pulled away from him, though their arms were still wrapped around one another. "How about I make us some tea? I don't have any coffee...oh, but I might have some hot chocolate, if you would rather have that..." She was smiling again and it felt good.

"No tea. Seems like something a sissy would drink...uh...I know you're not a sissy because you pack a mean wallop!" He rubbed his face.

She reached out to touch the red welts. "I am so sorry...I.."

"I deserved it. And hot chocolate would be great." He grinned a silly grin and waggled his eyebrows at her.

She rolled her eyes and taking his hand, dragged him to the kitchen with her. "Come on. You get to help me."

"You already have a mug of tea..." He was nodding at the mug she had made before he called still sitting on the counter.

"Mmmm...I forgot about it...I'll just heat it up." She picked up the mug and put it in the microwave.

"Hey, what's this?" He was pointing at the gold box with the red bow sitting at the back of her counter.

"Oh...uh...it's nothing." She pushed it further away.

"It has my name on it. You got me a Christmas gift?" He was teasing her, smiling.

"No...it's..." She did not know what to say. She did not want to give it to him. Not right now.

"It's Christmas...so, you gonna let me open it?" He had picked it up now and was scrutinizing it.

"No! You cannot open it!" She took it from him and took it to her bedroom and put it in the night stand.

"Why not? It has my name on it." He called out to her. He was persistent, if nothing else.

When she came back to the kitchen, he was leaning against the counter. He grinned at her as she walked back in and opened a cabinet to get him a mug.

"I still don't understand why I can't open a gift on Christmas that has my name on it." He pouted.

"Elliot..." She warned. "If I still have any, the hot chocolate will be in that cabinet over the stove."

Opening the cabinet, he found what he was looking for and pulled the box down. "My favorite! It has the little marshmallows and it's double-fudge chocolate!" He seemed like a little boy, she thought.

After they had their drinks fixed and heated them up, they went back to sit in the living room. Elliot sat in the far corner of the couch, sipping his hot chocolate. Liv sat on the other end with her tea. There was no conversation. For the first time in a long time, the silence between them was like it had been in the past. Comfortable and relaxing, a renewal of their spirits. Only this time it was a renewal of their friendship, their bond, their lives. They sat for about ten minutes, just enjoying the quiet.

Liv got up from her place. "If you're finished, I'll take these to the sink." She came to take his mug. "Unless you want another one."

When she reached out to take his mug, but he took hers instead and sat it with his on the lamp table beside him. "What I want is for you sit here beside me for awhile." He pulled her down next to him and pulled her close. He put his right arm around her shoulder and his left across her body, holding onto his right arm. She snuggled down and against him.

"This is what I want, Liv. Just to have you in my arms. Just to be near you." The words were spoken softly into her hair just above her ear.

"El? We're...we're going to be okay...aren't we?" She turned her head just slightly into him as she spoke.

He was shattered by the question. "Yea. We are." He squeezed her tightly and leaned his head back against the cushion of the couch. Within minutes he was sound asleep and she followed right behind him.

- - - - - - - - - -

Her eyes popped open. Something had startled her. Where was she? The living room? Her mind began to clear and she remembered the events of last night. They must have fallen asleep. She was laying stretched out across the couch, her head resting on Elliot's thigh. His right hand was across her stomach, the left one on the arm of the couch. His head tilted back and to the side, he was snoring lightly. The snoring must have awakened her. She turned her watch to see the time...6:07 a.m. All of a sudden, it dawned on her that it was Christmas morning. Elliot need to be home with the kids!

"Elliot!! El! You gotta go! It's after 6:00! It's Christmas! The kids...you gotta go!" She had sat up and was shaking him.

His eyes opened and quickly snapped shut. He mumbled and tried to lay down on the couch. She would not let him, tugging and pulling at him. He was a big guy and not easy to move.

"Elliot! Get up! You have to go home! Now!" She demanded.

He groaned and finally opened his eyes and kept them opened. "Mornin', Sunshine." He smiled and tousled her hair.

"Did you hear me? It's Christmas and you need to go home!" She repeated.

At last, it all registered. "Oh, no! Yea, I gotta go!" He grabbed his coat and started putting it on. "Thanks for letting me be here last night, Liv. I am so sorry...I gotta go...gotta be there for the kids."

"Go, Elliot. We'll talk later." She smiled as she pushed him toward the door.

"Okay...okay..." He paused, looking at her tenderly. "Liv...I...uh...Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, El." She hugged him and pushed him out the door, closing it and locking it behind him. Leaning against the door, she sighed as a smile spread across her face and all the way down into her heart. "Merry Christmas."

- - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: WOW!! I am truly overwhelmed at the reviews and responses. Thank you! And to those of you who said you signed up just to comment to me, I am so honored. Now that the holidays are over and things are back to normal...whatever that may be...I don't have quite as much time to write like I would like...so it is taking me a little longer to crank it out. But I get so involved, time does not exist and I forgot to watch SVU tonight until it was half over!! Oh, man!!! Guess I will have to catch in on the rerun! Where was Elliot supposed to be...I realized it was one of those tandem episodes that I hate! Thanks again for your time and effort in review and all the encouragment! " ) Bensler

svuaddiction - I LOLed on your comment... "Follows rest of lynch mob off Bensler's front lawn."

TooManyObessesionsNLoveThem - Thank you for your kind comments and you have my permission to submit my name to Dick Wolf and suggest I become his head writer! I'll even give you commission if he hires me!! " )


	24. Rip

**Chapter 24 - Rip**

He does not wear his wedding band anymore. A plain gold band. A symbol that he was taken. That he belonged to someone else. That he was not available. Off limits. It has been nearly a year since he wore it. She had noticed that he never put it back on even after he went home. Like a silent protest. She wondered what Kathy thought about it. Did they fight over it? When she first noticed he was not wearing his band anymore, she tried not to think about it. When it never reappeared after he and Kathy got back together, she tried even harder not to think about it. After all the things he said last night, now she could not help but think about it.

She replayed the conversations they had last night. He and Kathy had gone to see their attorney and signed papers to proceed with the divorce they had started earlier in the year. Before Kathy got pregnant. Before all of Olivia's dreams and hopes had been shattered. Before everything changed between her and Elliot. Now, everything was changing again. Only this time, this time maybe it would work out for them.

That he had told Kathy he was thinking of her, was enough to floor Olivia. But when he said Kathy basically gave him permission to come see about her, she still had trouble wrapping her mind around that one. Maybe it was like Elliot had said, that they still fought like they always had and she was just as sick of it as he was and decided it was best they split up. How do you decide to rip a family apart? Or does the rip occur even when the parents stay together for the kids? What is best for the kids? Parents together but always fighting or parents apart and peace in the household? Olivia hated it for the kids, especially the baby. The others were pretty much grown, but she knew that Elliot would still be a great dad to his youngest son no matter what.

All the stuff with Kathy was mind blowing enough, but then she would replay the things he said about how he felt about her, his partner and friend. She closed her eyes and she could almost hear him saying the words again...

'I finally admitted I can't live without you'...

'my life makes no sense without you'...

'I wouldn't survive it'...

'I'll be free to tell you everything I feel...that is, if that is what you want'...

What she wants? Oh, dear God. Yes! She wants to know every thing he feels and thinks and wants and needs. He told her some last night...

'This is what I want, Liv. Just to have you in my arms. Just to be near you.'

She wants to hear him say all those things, and more, to her over and over again and again. Then when he is finished, she wants him to hear all those things from her. She cannot wait to tell him everything that has been bottled up, boxed up, denied, ignored and hidden for the better part of eight years. She still wishes at times that she could pinpoint when it was he became more than a partner, more than a friend. She would like to know when he became her life.

The mind can be a dangerous thing. Hers began to think about what he had said about her being the cause of their divorced. Although she knew he did not mean it the way it sounded, she would always wonder if she didn't play some part in the failure of his marriage. Maybe if she had never known him, he would have gone on along in his family world forever. Then again, he and Kathy could have some knock down, drag-out fights. She had seen them go at it a couple of times at the precinct and it was bad enough, though Elliot assured her that was nothing compared to what went on at their house. They had been fighting way before she became a part of the Special Victims Unit in September of 1999. Things may have still turned out like this. But how could she know? If the accident had not happened, would he still be with Kathy trying to make the marriage work? She did not know. He seemed happy enough, but then, they never really talked about their personal lives like they used to in the beginning. She really did not know much that went on in his head at all anymore.

Things changed when Kathy left him. He totally shut down. She knew something was not right, because he was moodier and quicker to fly off the handle. She figured he would talk when he got ready. But then, Lorna Scarry had tried used his separation against him, saying he could not be objective about the case, since his wife had left him. Liv was so caught off guard, she was speechless. He left the room after getting in Scarry's face and it took Liv a minute to run after him. He told her Kathy had left him three weeks ago. Three weeks? And he never said a word to her. She did not know it then, but that had been the beginning of the changes between them. Instead of letting her help him, he pushed her away. For some reason, he seemed angry at her when she had done nothing to deserve his anger.

For a long time she excused his behavior but the hurt and pain of how he treated her, finally wore her down and she started giving him the same treatment. It wasn't long before they seemed to stay at each others' throats. It had only been recently that she realized why. When Kathy left him, all the boundary lines between the two partners had been snatched away, leaving them unsure how to act with one another. Vulnerable. Especially, since they both had forbidden feelings for each other. He, because he was married and she, because he was married and respected that boundary. She was going to make herself totally insane if she kept trying to analyze this situation. She really should think about something else, it is Christmas, after all. Her cell phone rang, making her jump.

"Benson." She answered without looking at the I.D.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." Dean spoke softly. She knew he would call sooner or later.

"Dean...uh...Merry Christmas yourself." She so did not want to argue on Christmas.

"How are you doing?" His voice was low and quiet.

"Uh...fine. I'm fine. How was the thing at Claire's last night?" She was surprised that she kind of wanted to see him.

"It was good. I missed you being there..." He trailed off, not knowing how to finish the sentence.

"Me, too. Wish things could have been different." She wondered where he was going with all of this.

"The big family thing it over and I'm on my own for today...I was wondering if you would like to maybe grab a bite to eat either for lunch or dinner. If you're not busy..." He was talking fast.

"I...I don't know, Dean. I really don't feel like getting into an argument on Christmas..." She was not at all sure about seeing him today.

"Look, we don't even need to mention Sunday, okay. Just come with me...I don't want to eat alone." He was trying his best to convince her.

"Okay...lunch...where, when?" She asked.

"I'll pick you up around 12:30..." He started.

"No...I'll meet you." She did not want to deal with him being at her apartment.

"All right. Not much open, but I saw the sign out front of Denny's and they are...that okay?" He asked.

"Yea. See you there." She flipped the phone closed and sighed, leaning over the kitchen counter.

After her shower, she had dressed in a pair of dark blue hip-hugging jeans that were very fitted except for the slight flare at the bottom. She had on a tan ribbed sweater with a deep rounded neck and beneath that a white tank that showed a couple of inches under the sweater. Her gold hoop earrings matched the tiny hoops that comprised the choker necklace she wore. She had on brown boots and she had her long, tan leather coat lying on the couch to wear later.

She needed to run to the grocery store but had a few things she needed to do around the apartment first. She changed the bed linens and put them in the wash with some towels. She folded up and put away the clothes in the dryer. She cleaned up the kitchen basically wiping counters and putting the mugs and spoons from last night in the dishwasher.

She looked at her watch. 10:50 a.m. She had time to pick up some groceries and put them up before she would have to leave for Denny's. Thank goodness many stores in New York City were open 24/7 and on holidays. She grabbed her coat and opened the door to find Chester Lake coming up her hall way.

"Hey, Liv. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Ches. What are you doing here?"

"I know I said I'd call, but I left my cell on my desk last night and was going by to pick it up. Your place is on my way to the precinct, so, I decided to drop by and see if you might want to get an early lunch."

"Oh, well...sorry...I just made other plans...but if you want, you can go with me to the corner market. I just need a few things."

"Hey, I got nothing else to do. Let's go. You want me to drive you? It's pretty cold out."

"Sure. That will give me more time...I'm meeting Dean at 12:30 at Denny's."

"Dean, huh? I was banking on Stabler." A smirk filled his face.

"Why's that?" She cocked her head, frowning a bit.

"Just figured he would have called or come by since it's Christmas...especially if you were right about him seeing us last night." He held the elevator door for her.

"You're good, you know? He did see us and he called and he came by. Left around 6:00 this morning." She punched the lobby button.

He gave her a sideways glance. "Ohhhhh..."

She rolled her eyes and slapped his arm. "Nothing happened. We talked, drank hot chocolate and fell asleep on the couch."

"That's gonna be a tough one to explain to the wife." He was nodding his head like a bobble doll.

"She told him to come see me." She watched him as her words registered with him.

The look on Lake's face had her in stitches. On their excursion to the market, she explained a little of what had happened last night, but not nearly everything. She bought more than she would have if they had not driven and just as they were putting the bags in Lake's car, someone called her name.

"Olivia!" Olivia!" It was Kathleen. She ran up to Liv and Lake.

She gave Liv a big hug. "Merry Christmas, Liv!" She glanced at Chester and then back at Liv with a questioning look.

"Kathleen! Merry Christmas to you! What are you doing in this neighborhood? And why aren't you at home?" She smiled at the young woman and pushed a strand of Kathleen's hair away from her face.

"We had our big dinner at Grandma's last night...Mom's not cooking today. And, my friend, Torie, invited me for lunch. She lives three blocks over. We had to pick up some things for her Mom." She explained, as she kept shooting looks at Lake.

Olivia noticed. "This is Chester Lake, he joined SVU about six months ago. Your dad may have mentioned him? Chester, this is Kathleen, Elliot's middle daughter."

"Hi, Kathleen. You're too cute to belong to Elliot." He smiled, as he extended his hand to her.

She laughed. "Thank you." Taking his hand, she looked him dead in the eye. "Nice to meet you." You're pretty cute yourself, she thought.

What she really wanted, was to ask him was he dating Liv. Or did he want to date Liv. Buying groceries together. That's kind of intimate, isn't it? Why was this Lake guy with Olivia on Christmas day? There must be some kind of relationship if she is sharing the day with him. Well, they could just be friends, she thought. She had overheard her Mom and Dad talking this morning. They think the kids don't notice things. But, she noticed that Elliot was not home last night and she heard her Mom asking how Olivia was and knew she was referring to last night. So, Kathleen figured her Dad must have been with her. Maybe they had a case, but she did not think that was it. Why was she with this guy, now?

She also knew her parents were going ahead with the divorce even though they had not told the kids yet. The first time, she was really upset with them, but this time it was different. She was relieved. She finally realized her parents being together was making everyone miserable. Her parents fought all the time and that was not good for anyone. And besides, she had finally accepted the relationship her Dad and Olivia had with each other, whatever it was, because it was something really awesome. She did not understand it but she saw how sad her Dad was when Liv was gone and all she wanted was for him to be happy. Right now, she was troubled that this Lake guy would mess things up for them.

"Well, I have to go. Nice to meet you. See you later, Liv." Kathleen hugged Liv again and ran to find her friend.

"Bye. Be good." Liv smiled as she watched her run off.

"So, you're in good with one of his daughters?" Lake was amused.

"Actually, with all of them, and his son...his oldest son thinks I'm hot!" Poking him in the side with her elbow, she laughed.

"You are!" He winked at her and she playfully nudged him with her shoulder.

By the time he helped her bring in and put up her groceries, it was almost time for her to leave to meet Dean.

"Want to go with me?" She asked him, somewhat seriously.

"Not on your life. I'm already on your partner's black list. Don't need someone else gunning for me." He shook his head. "Hey, Denny's is on my way, I can drop you and save you the cab fare."

"That'd be great. Thanks, Ches." She put her coat on and they left.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Dean checked his watch for what must have been the twentieth time and he had only been there ten minutes. She was not late, but she was not early either. Surprised that she agreed to have lunch with him so easily, he worried that she may have changed her mind. He wanted to work things out with her, but the only way to do that would be to discuss Sunday and she made it clear she did not want to argue. Perhaps, if he promised to talk quietly about it they could have that talk. If only he could go back to the night of the dinner at the Stablers, he would change his actions. He would never have gone to the precinct and checked up on her story about that nonexistent case. Elliot's story, technically, but she concurred. He was lost in his thoughts and did not see Liv coming to the table.

She watched him for a couple of minutes. He looked so good. He had on tan khakis and a navy blue sweater, with a navy and red checkered shirt underneath. His black overcoat lay on the booth beside him. He seemed anxious. He kept looking at his watch. She took a deep breath and went over to him.

"Hey. This seat taken?" She joked.

"As matter of fact, yes. By the most gorgeous woman, I have ever known." He smiled and stood until she was seated. "How are you, Liv."

"Fine. You?" She smiled and picked up a menu.

"All right." He picked one up, too, and started going over it.

"Hi, my name is Mo and I'll be your..." The waitress was looking at the order pad in her hand.

"Maureen! I didn't know you were working here! And your name is 'Mo'?" Olivia was smiling, surprised to see her.

"Liv, hey!" She leaned over the table and hugged her. "They tell us not to use our real names...you know cause of all the psychos out there."

"Yea. I think I know a little about that. I thought you were working for that law firm...uh..." Liv could not remember the name of it.

"Harris, Broeder and Lynn. Mr. Harris shut the whole place down for two weeks. He paid us, but I need to make all the money I can over the break to pay next semester's expenses. A friend told me about this job."

"How well I remember those days." They laughed.

Maureen was looking at Dean, knowing that she had seen him that night at the hospital, but she could not remember his name. He was very handsome and very well dressed. She did remember he was very tall, a bit taller than her Dad, but he was not built like him at all. She wanted to know how serious Liv and Dean were. She knew Liv and her Dad had something going on between them...not like an affair...she did not think that at all...but she knew the bond they had was different and Olivia made her Dad happy. She knew her parents had decided to split up for good and she was sure her Dad had told Liv, so why was she here on what looked like a date?

"Maur, you remember Agent Porter...you met when your Dad was in the hospital. I don't think you were formally introduced that night. Dean, this Elliot's oldest child." Olivia could not help but think what beautiful young woman Maureen had become.

Extending her hand, she looked Dean straight in the eye. "Oh, yes. Good to actually meet you, Agent Porter."

Standing up, he smiled and took her hand in both of his. "Call me Dean. The pleasure is mine." He was tall and so gentlemanly.

"Now, I remember. You're with the FBI and you and Liv met when she was undercover. Do you do a lot of that kind thing, Agent...uh...Dean?"

"Depends on the cases I'm assigned to investigate. Sometimes there will be quite a bit of undercover and then we will go for a year or so and not have anything like that. But it is always interesting."

"I can imagine." She smiled and then turned back to Liv. "I guess I should take your drink orders."

They both ended up getting the traditional Christmas dinner of turkey, dressing, cranberry sauce, corn, green beans and rolls. Conversation was kept polite and general. Now, they were sipping on cups of coffee. She had decided that she wanted to put every thing on the table so this would be one less thing that would rip at her insides. She had enough with Elliot and the job change.

"Dean, I know I said I did not want to discuss Sunday...there really is no need. But I do want to clear things between us so we both know where we stand." She laid her hand on his arm.

"Olivia, I am sorry for what I did...I will do whatever you want me to, if only you will give me a second chance..." He reached over to cover her hand with his. She pulled away.

"Trust is the foundation of every relationship, Dean. Whether it is family, friend or lover...and once that trust has been violated it is difficult if not impossible to restore." She paused and looked down at her hands as they shredded a napkin into a million pieces.

"You're telling me its over between us." He sighed and leaned back against the booth. "For good?" He looked so lost. So sad.

"There are a lot of things going on in my life right now, Dean, okay...and I am very hurt and angry at you for going behind my back like that...and yes, I guess I have to say it...it's over." She looked up at him and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes.

"It doesn't have to be...give me another chance, Liv. Please." His brown eyes were sorrowful and pleading and she almost wanted to change her mind.

"I can't...not right now. If it weren't for some other things going on, I could tell you that maybe after some time passed, I might be able to give us another chance, but right now, I just don't see that happening." She paused, looking him in the eyes to gauge his reaction. "I'm so sorry."

He nodded and gave her a weak smile. "There's someone else." His statement was made matter-of-fact with no anger.

"Not exactly...but there are a lot of unresolved issues I need to straighten out before I pursue a relationship with anyone." She smiled with her lips pressed together. She looked at her watch. "I guess I need to head on back."

He nodded as they both stood. He laid down some tip money and took the check to the cashier. She waited. When they got outside, they stood on the sidewalk, just looking at each other.

"Can I ask you something? Dean's voice was just barely above a whisper. He was looking at the ground when he asked the question, but now he gazed into her eyes.

Olivia silently held his gaze and nodded. "Was there ever really a chance for us? Did you even really care about me?" His voice was that of a broken man.

She took a very long time to answer him. She ran her fingers through her hair. She rolled her head around on her shoulders to relieve some tension. Finally, she looked at him once again. "Yes, I cared about you. I still care, Dean. You are the first man in a very long time that I could see myself being with for the long run. If there was anyone that could have made me take a chance, it was you."

His eyes held just the beginnings of tears, his voice resignation. "But we never had a real chance, because he was always there...always between us...waiting to rip us apart. Olivia, I love you and I want for you to be happy. If your best friend makes you happy, then I hope it works out." He hugged her, then kissed her softly on the lips, a chaste kiss and put her in the waiting cab. She cried all the way home.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Christmas was over. The gifts opened. Wrapping paper filled the trash can. Empty boxes sat on the roadside. The kids were asleep. Kathy had gone to bed hours ago, saying she was exhausted. Elliot had cleaned up the remnants of Christmas in the living room and played a new video game with Dickie and Lizzie. Now he was checking on everyone before he headed to bed. He loved watching his children sleep. They looked so innocent, so sweet. E.J. was on his stomach with his little butt in the air. Elliot tucked the blanket around him and kissed his head. Dickie had the covers kicked off and was sprawled on his back. Kissing his forehead and rubbing his head, Elliot pulled his covers up on him, too. Lizzie was on her side, her long blonde hair covering her pillow. He fingered her soft hair and kissed her cheek. The light was on and the door ajar in Kathleen's room. She and Maureen had been sharing the room during the school break. As Elliot went to the door he could hear them talking.

"She said his name was Chester Lake. He is kind of cute." Kathleen said.

"Do you think they were, you know, like together?" Maureen asked.

"Mmmm...I don't know...they bought groceries together...that's kinda, I don't know...intimate, I think." Kathleen was sitting at the foot of the bed.

"Well, she was definitely with Agent Porter..." Maureen had both pillows propped under her laying on her stomach, feet in the air.

"He is so totally hot!" Kathleen did a fake swoon, clutching her heart and fell back onto the bed. Both girls giggled.

"Yea...he is really handsome and dresses great, too. I saw them kiss and hug when they said goodbye." Maureen was remembering their encounter.

"I wonder how he kisses? I bet he's good!" She said, dreamily.

"Kathleen!" They giggled again. "You know, she could be seeing both of them..."

"I don't know...but I am glad I got to see her on Christmas..."

Elliot's stomach flipped while his heart stopped. His daughters think his arch rival for Olivia's attention is hot and wonder how he kisses. Whoa! He put on a smile and knocked on the door as he opened it.

"Saw who on Christmas?" He asked his two daughters.

"Hey, Daddy. I saw Olivia today at the market near her place." Kathleen sat up, glancing at Maureen.

"Oh. Get to talk to her?" He sat on the edge of the bed between them and put Maureen's feet over his lap.

"Uh-huh. She was with Detective Lake. She introduced us." She kept waiting for him to look upset or mad or something.

"Chester Lake. He's the newest detective at SVU. Good cop. You with her, Maur?"

"No. But I waited on Liv and Agent Porter at Denny's. How long have they been dating, Dad?" She was trying to read her father's face, but it showed nothing out of the ordinary.

"Not sure...four, five weeks." He frowned as if in thought before he replied.

"Do you think they are serious?" Maureen asked quietly.

"Uh...I really...don't know..." Why did they care about her and Porter's dating status?

"Olivia is beautiful and Agent Porter is hot and he looks at her like he really likes her. Maybe they'll get married! " Kathleen winked at Maureen without Elliot seeing her.

Maureen nodded slightly at her sister. "Yea. They would have beautiful babies! How cool would that be! An FBI agent and a detective." Maureen added.

I'm surprised Liv hasn't gotten married long ago. She is too gorgeous to stay single." Kathleen thought she saw her Dad flinch.

He did not like this conversation at all. It was time to end it. "Listen, I think it is time for you two beautiful young ladies to get some rest. Been a long day. I love you..." He kissed Maureen. "and I love you." He kissed Kathleen. "Good night, sweethearts."

He closed the door behind him and stood for a minute with his hand still on the knob. Married? Beautiful babies? Too gorgeous to stay single? You got that right. She did not waste any time. He told her he was going to leave her alone and she could live her life how she chose. Hours after they had talked and held each other, she was with both Lake and Porter. He had planned to call her today but things were so hectic he had not found the time. So, he thought he would call after checking on the kids, but now he was glad he had not. He was going to leave her alone until he had the right to fight for her and with her. But that did not take away the jealousy, hurt, anger and now, fear, thanks to his daughters, he had stirring his insides.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Wednesday morning Olivia picked up some doughnuts for the squad and coffee and tea for her and Elliot. She almost always got to work before he did and she planned to have it waiting for him on his desk. When she walked in, however, he was already there and working away on the computer. He wore all black today, even his tie. She loved him in black and wondered if he thought about her when he got dressed.

"Hey. Brought some doughnuts. And coffee." She laid the doughnut box down and held the coffee out to him.

"Thanks, but John made coffee and I already have a mug." He did not look at her. "Maybe Lake wants it."

His refusal of the coffee, hurt her feelings. In the past, he would have taken it and said it was better than John's mud. Nobody like's John's coffee. But the remark about Lake? That was meant as a dig. She knew it and he knew it. The question was why. What had changed between them from yesterday morning to now, when they had not even talked again yesterday?

"Uh...I'll just leave it here..." She put it on his desk just over from where the two desks connected. "...maybe you'll want it later."

He kept on typing, never acknowledging her. She was getting the cold shoulder for some reason. She took off her coat, put the doughnuts on the coffee table and started on some paperwork she needed to finish before leaving for her new assignment.

She kept glancing at Elliot, wishing he would at least look at her. He was working, but she could tell by the way the his jaw was clenching, that he was upset about something. After about an hour of no speaking, no interaction, she sighed and leaned back, stretching in her chair. Usually any comment or question about his kids, got him going. She'd try that tactic.

"So, how was your Christmas? The kids excited? Get what they wanted." She was looking at him as he filled out a DD5.

"Fine. The kids were happy." He never stopped writing. He never looked up at her.

She nodded her head. Okay, okay. What the heck had she done...or said...or not done or said? She felt the tension between them getting heavier and she had no clue about the reason for it. She sighed heavily and went back to her reports. Two more silent hours passed and she decided to try again.

"I'm getting kinda hungry. Want to go to My-Ling's, El." She asked softly and even used his nickname and suggested their favorite restaurant and Chinese was his favorite food.

"Got other plans." Still no eye contact. He kept typing on that darn keyboard.

"Oh. Okay. Guess I'll just get a pack of crackers or something." The dejection she felt was mirrored in her voice.

She really did not understand his cold treatment of her and she was very hurt. Usually, when she said she would eat crackers for lunch, he would give her a big lecture on how she need to eat more than crackers. If he could not convince her to go with him to eat something, he would bring her a sandwich back and throw it on her desk. Not today. It was as though over night he quit caring about her. The thought pierced her heart like an arrow whose purpose was to rip the life from her. What could possibly have happened to foster such a radical change in his behavior?

"Hey, Stabler. You got that file on the Menndel case? I need to check something in it." Lake asked and glanced at Liv. "Hey, Liv." He smiled.

She only nodded and smiled slightly. She glanced at Elliot and for the first time today, he looked at her. Only he wasn't looking, he was glaring at her and now she wished he would look anywhere but at her.

"It's been filed." Elliot answered, glaring first Lake and then Olivia.

"Already checked. It's not there. Sure you don't still have it?" Lake was standing about three feet from Elliot, his manner easy going and his voice normal.

Elliot stood up, threw his pen down and took a step closer to Lake. "I said I don't have it. If I say I don't have it, then I don't have it! That clear enough for you?" His voice started out as a low growl becoming almost a roar as he spoke.

Lake's expression was one of puzzlement and irritation. "Look, man, I just need the file. If you say you don't have it, then, hey...no problem. I'll look again. Just chill, okay?" He turned away to leave.

"Chill? What's that supposed to mean?" Elliot's eyes were narrow slits of fire and he looked ready for action.

Olivia stood now. "Elliot..." She was trying to settle him, but it was not working.

Munch and Fin had heard everything going on and were giving each other looks. Fin sat up straight in his chair, ready to jump up and get between Elliot and Chester, if necessary. Munch just shook his head in disbelief.

Lake stopped and turned to stare at Elliot, unsure of what was going on. "Nothing. Just...nothing." He left and went back to the file room.

Elliot finally looked at Liv and then at Fin and Munch who were still watching. "What are you looking at?" He slammed his chair under his desk, grabbed his jacket and left the squad room.

"Elliot?" Liv called out as she grabbed her coat and ran after him. "Where are you going?"

The elevator was closing by the time she got there. She ran for the stairs. She made it to the lobby just in time to see him going out the front door. She called his name several times, but he kept on walking even though she knew he heard her. She finally caught up with him about a half block from the building.

She grabbed his arm, stopping him and making him turn around. "Elliot...what was that about? What's going on?" She searched his face and his stormy blue eyes. Her breathing was rapid from running.

"What's going on?" His laugh was a mockery. "I should ask you that. What's going on, Liv? With you and Lake? With you and Porter? Huh? What's going on?" His eyes held fire, his voice anger.

Everything suddenly became clear to her. "The girls told you they saw me...I was going to tell you..." She began.

He interrupted. "Yea? Just when did you plan to tell me? And what? Plan to tell me you and Lake were grocery shopping like the perfect little couple? Gonna tell me about eating with Porter? I can not wait to hear you tell me about hugging and kissing him. Go on, Liv. Tell me."

"El...it's not what you think..." She began again.

"Not what I think? What does it matter what I think, anyway? I have no right to think anything, to feel anything, to do anything. I'm supposed to let you live your life...well, that's what I am trying to do...but it's easy, not when one of your boyfriends works with us!" He was not quite yelling, but he was getting there.

"He is not my boyfriend, Elliot. He..." She tried to explain, she really did.

"Save it! Just go live your life, Olivia. I'll leave you alone!" He was pretty much hollering now.

"Is that what you want, Elliot? Because if it is, then you got it!" She hollered right back at him, fury finally engulfing her.

His icy blue eyes bore holes into her. Matching his stare with smoldering brown eyes that were turning black in anger, she did not back down. He finally broke the stand off and turned away. "I gotta go. I'm meeting a tall blonde for lunch." He stormed off leaving her to wonder what the heck just happened.

This was another reason why she could not work with him any longer. She knew he if he was meeting anyone, it was Kathy and yet, he threw in the tall blonde as yet another dig. Hoping to make her wonder did he mean Dani. She could not take the games they were playing any more. She could not take these outbursts, always wondering when his next explosion would come. She did not want to be walking on eggshells all day nor be tempted by his presence to do something she should not. She did not think she could make it two and half more days. She would lose her sanity. Then she realized she did not have to finish out the week at work.

- - - - - - - - - -

"Thanks, Don. You've done so much for me already." She smiled at her captain, her friend.

"Just make sure you get the last of those files and the DD5s for them turned in before Friday afternoon." He smiled back.

"Oh, by the way, Casey offered for me to stay at her place...she's gone for two weeks...it's closer to the new job and...maybe that way I can get some relief from Elliot and Dean. I'm going to pack a few things and settle in over there today."

"I think that is a great idea, Liv. You call me if you need anything. I'll be in touch." He hugged her quickly. "Good luck."

She opened the door to his office. "I don't want anyone to know where I'm staying, okay?"

"I figured as much." He nodded his head and sat back down at the desk.

She was taking leave for the remainder of the week. Cragen authorized her taking a laptop and she would finish the last of the reports at home. She had packed up most of her stuff from her desk and put it in her locker Monday night. What was left were things she wanted to have with her at her new job. She found a box and quickly cleared her desk. Munch, Fin and Lake all watched her intently. As she reached for the last photo, her eye fell to the cup of coffee she had brought for Elliot. It was still sitting there, right where she had put it, untouched. A silent symbol of his rejection. She picked it up and threw it in the trash can by her desk. She turned and saw the guys still watching her.

"I'm taking leave for the rest of the week, guys. I guess I'll see you around." She felt like she was leaving forever, as the tears welled in her eyes.

"You need help with the box?" Fin asked, standing up.

"No. It's not that big and not very heavy. Thanks." She blinked the tears back, holding them at bay.

"We're just a phone call away, Liv...remember that." Lake smiled at her.

"It ain't like you going halfway 'cross the country, girl. You still be seein' us. You ain't gettin' rid of us that easy, girl!" Fin was shaking his head.

"We'll all get together for dinner or drinks." Munch said.

"Yea, yea. That would be great." She sniffled. "Come on." She motioned for them to come to her as she broke out into a big smile. "Time for a group hug."

They all laughed and hugged her. John kissed her on the cheek. She left. She had managed to get out before Elliot returned from having lunch with his tall blonde. Looking out the rear window of the cab, as the building became smaller and smaller, she let the tears fall. This is why she never said goodbye before. It hurt too much.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**A/N:** _Well, I believe one more chapter should wrap this up. Your reviews have really encouraged and motivated me. Thanks and please keep 'em coming!_

**Comment on Tuesdays SVU:** _Where the heck is Elliot when Liv really needs him?_

**Comment on the wedding band in the beginning of this chapter:** _Has anyone else noticed that Elliot does NOT wear his wedding band on the show? What's with that, huh? I'm thinking this whole E/K thing ain't played out yet! " ) Bensler_


	25. Restored

**Chapter 25 - Restored**

Elliot got back to the precinct about forty minutes after Liv had left. Since he was still mad, he only glanced at her desk long enough to see she was not there. Had he taken more time, he would have noticed it was clear of all personal items. Munch, Fin and Lake ignored him when he returned and that was more than fine with him.

He started in on the reports he had been working on earlier. About twenty minutes later he got up to go to the men's room. Upon his return, he was thinking it was about time for Liv to come back from lunch. He had assumed that was why she was not at her desk and halfway expected her to be sitting there now. She still was not back.

All of a sudden, he felt his breath catch in his chest as his heart stopped and his stomach tightened. Her desk was neat and clean. It was always neat and clean. But, this was different. All of the framed photos, the clay pencil holder Dickie had made for her in third grade, her mouse pad with the picture of the squad at the Christmas party two years ago, her mug warmer and her ever present lip gloss were gone. She was not at lunch. She was gone. He stood by her desk, Olivia's desk knowing he had once again screwed up everything between them.

He looked around the room. Munch was not there. Lake was looking at him. He would beat the crap out of Lake if he had half the chance. He looked away and saw Fin looking at him, too, shaking his head. They did not offer an explanation and he did not ask. He went around and sat down at his desk. Still staring at his partner's desk, thoughts running wild, he noticed something else was missing. The coffee cup that she had brought to him this morning was gone. The coffee that he had rejected but she had so graciously set on his desk just in case he might want it later, was no longer there. Even after his smart aleck response to her to give it to Lake, she had acted in kindness, instead of reacting to her hurt. He knew he hurt her. Cragen's voice cracked the silence.

"Elliot! Need to see you a minute." Cragen went back into his office.

As he rounded his desk to go to Cragen's office, he glanced into the trash can. There was the coffee cup Liv had brought him. It was laying on its side, the lid still on it, coffee pooling around it in the bottom of the can. He looked around to see if anyone was watching and then, he didn't know why, but he picked it up and put it on his desk.

Elliot walked into Cragen's office and stood ramrod straight. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Close the door." Captain Cragen was not in friendly mode with him.

He closed the door.

"Your partner has decided to take the rest of the week off. She will finish the remaining reports at home and have them to me by Friday. As of right now, Fin will be your new partner and Munch will be with Lake. Any questions?" The captain's expression held no warmth as he stared at Elliot.

Cragen was all business. There is no telling what Olivia told him, but he sensed Cragen was not very happy with him at the moment. He had plenty of questions, but none he thought Cragen would answer. Well, let's see about that.

"How long do you think she will be gone?" He was trying hard to keep his voice calm and detached. It was quite a difficult feat with the huge lump that had taken up residence in his throat.

"No idea." The captain's face was stone as he stared at Elliot.

"Think it's permanent?" He managed to croak out the words.

"I think...that is up to you, Detective." He picked up a file and began looking over some reports.

Elliot knew the conversation was over.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Captain Cragen felt sorry for Elliot, but at the same time he was infuriated with him for the way he kept treating Liv. It seemed they took two steps forward and three backwards. That was no way to restore a relationship. From what Liv told him, Elliot and Kathy had the paper work in place for a divorce. They just had to wait the allotted time and in New York it was generally six months or longer, depending on all the financial and legal issues. He did not think he could handle another six months of the tension between them and he surely did not think they could.

This move to Computer Crimes was definitely a good decision even though he hated losing Olivia. She was one of his two best detectives. Her partner was the other one. Though he doubted Elliot would be much good with Liv gone, it would give them some space until things were sorted out between Elliot and Kathy. He just hoped that Elliot didn't wig out like he had when she was gone before. At least this time, they both know they have feelings for each other and Elliot is taking steps so that they can act on those feelings.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Olivia dropped her small suitcase, toiletry case, laptop and duffle bag just inside the door of Casey's apartment. It was a good bit bigger than Liv's. She had been here plenty of times, so, she made herself at home. She checked the frig...it was about as empty as hers normally was...she would have to run by her apartment and get all the perishables she bought yesterday. She had meant to bring them when she came, but she was in a hurry to get packed and out of there in case Elliot came looking for her. He would, she knew. It had been three hours since she left the precinct and he had called her cell five times and left three messages in the last two hours. She had not listened to them yet. Well, at least she did not have to worry about him dropping in unexpectedly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Frustration was at an all time high for Elliot. He had called her cell at least five or six times and left several messages. She would not answer, did not return any of the calls. He even called her home phone and left a couple of messages there. Maybe she really did want him to leave her alone. Maybe that is what he should do. Maybe he couldn't. He decided to try. Besides, he was still angry about her seeing Lake and Porter so soon after he left Christmas day.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

She unpacked her clothes and hung them on some empty hangers she found in the guest room closet. She took her razor, body wash, shampoo and conditioner and lined them in the guest shower. She pulled out her make-up, hair spray and gel, perfume and brush and put them on the bath counter. As she emptied the bag, she noticed the little gold box with the red bow. She was not sure why she brought it with her, but there it was. She decided it would be safer in her pocketbook, even though she rarely carried it. Her cell was ringing. She had left it somewhere...the kitchen? She grabbed it just before it went to voice mail. It was Fin.

"Hey, Fin."

"Hey, girl. You all right?"

"Yea. I'm fine. What's up?

"Just makin' sure you okay."

"I'm good...is...he...how is he doing?"

"Pretty quiet. Looks more upset than mad. He ain't asked us nothin'. We ain't told him nothin'. Cragen called him in and talked to him. And he still ain't said nothin'."

"Who's the lucky guy?" She knew it would not be Lake.

"You talkin' 'bout partnering? Me. I'm the lucky guy. Thanks, Liv. I owe ya."

"Sorry. Where is he now?"

"He's in the file room. You sure you okay?"

"I'm sure. Thanks for checking on me. We'll get dinner next week, okay?"

"That'd be good. Call if you need anything. See ya, girl."

"See ya."

She had four and half days to fill and no one to help her pass the time. Casey was out of town, Simon moved and she didn't want anyone else to know where she was staying. She could call the guys for dinner or maybe she would just do some reading or go to the gym. Work would take up a good bit of the next couple of days, but that still left the weekend. She'd play it by ear.

Today, she decided to walk around Casey's neighborhood and check out some of the stores and shops. A small European import shop caught her attention and she went into to browse around. It had everything from books and music CDs to jewelry from all over Europe to Belgian lace. She spent about thirty minutes in there and was about to leave when something caught her eye. She went to get a closer look and a clerk asked if she needed help. She asked about the item and the clerk got it out of the case and let her see it. Intrigued, she fingered it's intricate design. She asked what it was called and the clerk explained to her the origin and history of the item. Liv smiled to herself. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect. Then she thought of something, else. She asked the clerk if it could be engraved. It would take a couple of days to have it done. Liv told her that was fine.

- - - - - - - - -

Coming out of the Federal courthouse Monday morning, Elliot was thinking about Liv. This was her first day at the new job. He wondered how it was going. He was not paying much attention as he stepped out the front door and almost ran into a man coming into the building.

"Excuse me...sorry." He said, then looked up.

"Sure...no problem...Stabler..." The man's voice was familiar. He could not believe his eyes.

"Porter!" He immediately went on the defense.

"Listen, we are bound to run into each other from time to time and I would just like to say there are no hard feelings and I wish you the best." Porter extended his hand.

Elliot just stared at his hand and then slowly raised his eyes to look at Porter. "What? No hard feelings?" His breathing was becoming erratic, his hands fisting and he did not understand how Porter thought he could say something like that to him and remain standing for very long.

"Olivia has made her choice and I have no choice but to accept it. Just one thing, Stabler. Quit hurting her. She's a wonderful woman." He warned Elliot.

Elliot was totally confused and looked it. Porter, realizing this, spoke again, his hand back at his side. "Didn't she tell you?"

"Uh...tell me? Tell me what?" Elliot was not so ready to pound Porter now.

I didn't give her a chance to tell me anything. I was too angry after my daughter told me she saw the two of you hugging and kissing. What would she have had to tell me? Why would she think she could tell me anything?

"She broke it off with me. Great timing...Christmas. Said she had too many personal issues to clear up." He explained. "You are the main one, Stabler."

"She say that?" He could not believe she would say something like that to anyone, but especially not a boyfriend she was breaking off with.

"She didn't have to...it's written all over her face." He looked intently at Elliot's face. "Just like it's all over yours. Talk to her." Porter told him.

Elliot was speechless, standing there not moving, just looking at Dean. Dean extended his hand once again and this time Elliot took it. "Good luck, Elliot." This was the first time he had ever called him by his first name. He started into the building.

"Porter...uh...Dean...do you know where she is staying?" He asked.

"She's not at her place?" He shook his head. "Sorry, she didn't mention anything." He went on his way, leaving Elliot standing there in complete confusion.

So, Liv was not with Porter. She had officially told him she wanted out of the relationship. Maureen must have misinterpreted what she saw between them that day at lunch. Okay. This was good. But there was still Lake. He could still be mad about that situation. Couldn't he?

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The next four days passed in a blur. She finished up the DD5s she had outstanding, went to lunch with Munch on Friday and gave him the reports and files to give to Cragen. She did not want to take a chance on running into Elliot. Friday Fin, Munch and Lake met her near Casey's for drinks Friday night. Saturday her friend Sarah was in town again and they spent some time together. Because of the accident, they had never had that dinner they had planned weeks ago. Sunday she puttered around the apartment, caught up on some pleasure reading and basically laid around most of the day. Cragen called to check on here and wish her well for tomorrow, her first day at the new job. Cragen told her that Elliot was acting spaced out again. She did not ask any questions about him. The less she knew the better she would be in dealing with this separation. Apparently, he had given up calling her because she had not had a call from him since Thursday night.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He had called her cell dozens of times a day for the first two days. He called her home phone as well, leaving long messages, that he was pretty sure she did not hear because he had realized she was not staying there. He had gone by several times and varying times of day and night and never found her home. Then, one day he saw that guy from across the hall...Grant...and he told him he had not seen Liv in three or four days and it appeared that her mail had been stopped.

He tried calling her at work, but it was a completely different set up than SVU and she did not have a direct line. He had to go through a receptionist, give his name and phone number and she would give Liv the message. Then Liv would call return the calls. He did not understand that, but that was how they handled it, so it was pointless to call her there. She would know any of the numbers he gave, even if he gave a fake name. He had actually thought about buying a pre-paid cell just so he would have a number she would not recognize. He should just leave her alone.

Sitting at his desk, still in a funk, he saw Casey going into Cragen's office. She had been in Texas over Christmas, for two weeks. He kept a watch on the door waiting for her to come out. If anyone knew where Liv was, it would be Casey. He felt certain the Captain knew where she was, but when he got the nerve to ask him, Cragen asked him how he could have the nerve to ask. He never did again. He had finally broken down and asked both Munch and Fin and they claimed they did not know. His eye caught sight of the cup sitting in the far corner of his desk. The one Liv had brought him the day she left. He had rinsed it out, put the lid back on it and put it on his desk as a reminder of what a jerk he was to her and to never be that way again. Casey was in there for a good thirty minutes and he was getting impatient. At last the door to Cragen's office opened and she reappeared.

"Casey!" He jumped up and walked toward her. "How was Texas? Good Christmas?"

"Hey, Elliot. Yes, it was very good and great to see all my family. How about yours?" She smiled, knowing he was not at all interested in her Christmas.

"Pretty good. Interesting." He smiled and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Interesting? Going to tell me about it?" She raised her eyebrows, smiling at him. Liv had already told her.

"Maybe one day..." He laughed. "Say, Liv hasn't been staying at her place, has she? We...uh..." He paused, chewing on the inside of his mouth. "We sort...of...had a...well...I got mad...and...anyway, I shouldn't have...but she left and won't talk to me...its been weeks and I don't know where she is staying. Is she at your place?" He was watching her closely.

Good thing she knew he would be asking just this question. She was ready. "Elliot, if Liv wanted you to know where she was, she would let you know. I haven't seen her since I've been back."

Not a lie. Liv was asleep when Casey came in late last night and gone this morning when Casey got up. She wished she could tell him. Wished there was way for these two to be together. Liv had told her about Christmas and Lake and Porter. She told her about seeing Kathleen and Maureen when she was with each of the men and them telling Elliot. Of course, he had blown every thing out of proportion before even getting the real story from her. And, of course, she was the one that paid the price.

"Would you tell me, if you knew? He asked.

Casey just smiled. "I need to get these files back over the to my office. See you later, Elliot."

He decided he wanted Chinese, so he swung by My-Ling's on the way home. He thought about Liv asking him to lunch that day and how he told he had other plans. While waiting for his order, he noticed the glass case at the register had gift items for sale. He chuckled upon seeing one of the items and knew he had to get them for Liv. He had them add it to the cost of his order. He wondered if there would be a way to engrave something on them.

- - - - - - - - - - -

The first day on the job was used to show her around, introduce her to her new co-workers, let her get her desk in order and start showing her some of the new programs that had been put in place since she had left Computer Crimes nearly two years ago. She had not stayed that long but she was familiar with most of the programs. The work she would be doing this time would have no connection to rapes, murders, kidnaping or anything concerned with SVU. So, she did not have to be concerned about crossing paths her old unit. Specifically, Elliot. This time she was assigned to corporate espionage where she would mainly investigate network intrusions and analyze the computers used by criminals who engaged in identity theft and financial fraud.

Now, over three weeks later she was finally settling in and becoming familiar with her routine. She had become friendly with another tech, Celine, and they had gone to lunch twice. Another tech, actually the lead tech in this division, Pierce Kent, was friendly, too. A little too friendly. Tall, blonde, with beautiful green eyes, he was quite handsome, but Olivia was not looking for what he wanted. She was not on the rebound. She knew where her heart was...Elliot had it. It was no use trying to pretend she could give it to someone else, like she had with Dean. She was not looking for another relationship. If anything, she was just going to sit back and wait. See what would really happen with Elliot and Kathy, if they would really go through with their divorce this time.

Somehow Celine had found out that Thursday was Olivia's birthday, but since several of the crew had things going on that night, she insisted they all go out for drinks Tuesday night and celebrate early.

- - - - - - - - - -

To the average person, a glance at Elliot Stabler would have them thinking he was deep in thought about his work, perhaps the latest case. In reality, he was totally detached from anything going on around him. The periods of total dysfunction in his brain were becoming more frequent in occurrence and in duration. During these episodes he could think of nothing but Olivia and the situation between them.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but an entire life to forget them. Olivia was his special person and there was no way he would ever forget her. But he had tried over the last few weeks because he knew they could not be together. Not now. Not while he was still married. He wondered about her constantly. Where she was; what she was doing; who she was talking to; what she ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner. What was she wearing? Was she even eating at all? Did she sleep well? Alone? Did she think about him? Miss him? Would she wait for him? His mind was in overload.

"Lake, Stabler. Got something for you." Cragen called out, motioning for them to come.

"Got a case. Jogger found a young girl beat up, apparently raped in Washington Square Park. On her way to Mercy General. Fin and Much are in court...so that leaves you two. Can you work together or do I need to take care of this myself?" He gave them a very hard long look.

"No problem, Sir." Lake said, looking at Elliot.

Elliot hesitated, his jaw clenching, and nodded. "Like the man said, no problem."

Lake threw Elliot the keys to the squad car. He did not like to drive in the city. Elliot cranked up the car and sped out, driving like a maniac. Lake changed his mind, wishing he had driven kept the keys.

"Hey, man! No need to get us killed!" Lake was holding on to the overhead strap with his right hand and bracing himself with his left on the dashboard.

"Thought you said no problem. " Elliot snorted.

"No wonder, Liv likes to drive!" The moment her name left his lips he knew it was a bad thing.

"What the heck does Liv have to do with this? And how do you know she likes to drive? Been out with her a lot?" What is wrong with him? Asking something so obvious...obvious that he was jealous. He really was losing it.

"Stabler, I don't know what you think Liv and I got going...but you are wrong...dead wrong...she is interested in someone else...not me."

"That right? Then explain to me why the two of your were making out on my desk, Christmas Eve!!!!?"

Liv was right...he did see them. "She was lonely, depressed. Said she just wanted to have someone hold her, make her feel wanted. I was there."

"And more than willing to oblige, huh?!" Fury emanated from him.

"Look...Benson is gorgeous. I mean, come on, Stabler, if you had a hot woman like her coming on to you, you would do the same thing." Another wrong thing to say.

Elliot swerved the car to the side of the road and jerked it to a stop. Before he could say or do anything, Lake started talking, trying to make Elliot see that he had nothing to worry about when it came to Olivia's affection.

"When we...uh...uh...got to the bar...she told me she was sorry...that she didn't mean to...uh...to lead me on...that she had a bunch of crap going on in her life and she was...was really down...and just needed a hug. I told her I understood...and I just wanted to be her friend. She's not interested in me, man." Lake was afraid Elliot was going to drag him out of the car and start pounding on him.

Elliot's breathing was shallow and rapid, his heart racing as he took in Lake's words. He started to calm down a bit, to Lake's relief.

"So, you and Liv...don't...you aren't...like...dating or anything?" He felt drained.

"Just friends...that's all...just friends. I'm telling you, Stabler, she's is head over heels for someone else, man." He was hoping Elliot would get who he meant, because he did not want to come right out and say it. He felt like Liv should tell him.

Elliot wished he could beat himself up. When would he ever learn to keep his mouth shut and his anger on hold until he got the complete story when something happened. If he had come in after Christmas and told Liv what his girls told him and let her explain, or even waited to see if she would bring it up, he would have known that she broke up with Dean and was not interested in Lake. And that kissing, hugging scene was probably a goodbye.

Didn't he already know she cared about him? Yes. But she also made it clear she was not going to be with him until he was divorced. She was not going to be in the middle of it to bear fault for it. She could not handle the separation, because that had happened once before and he went back home. No, she was insistent that it be final. It had to be over completely between him and Kathy, before there could ever be anything between them. Before any kind of relationship between them would be restored. But how long would she wait?

He drove the rest of the way to the crime scene, at a safe, responsible speed. Lake visibly relaxed.

- - - - - - - - - -

Olivia was still staying at Casey's. She had been there almost four weeks. Several times she had gone back to her apartment and spent the night, just to give Casey a break. Not that Casey said she needed a break. It was more for herself. She needed to have privacy to cry and sometimes she felt like she would explode if she kept it bottled up any longer. Each time she had gone home, her answering machine was filled with messages from Elliot. He had quit calling her cell phone. The first thing she would do when she came into the apartment, was go to the phone, hit play and listen to all the messages. Every now and then there would be one from a friend or Simon or even Dean, but mostly they were from Elliot. If the message cut off before he was finished, he would call back and finish it.

Sometimes he would calmly ask her to please call him. Sometimes he would beg and plead for her to meet him, let him see her, or just hear her voice. A couple of times his voice cracked and she knew he was crying, though he covered it well. He asked questions about her day, her job, how she was doing. Other messages he would tell her about his day, the case he was working on, or something about Fin or Munch or the Captain or something one of the kids did or said. Sometimes he would share a joke or story he heard.

One night he called and told her about a horrible case where the victim was a classmate of Dickie's...a young boy fallen prey to a pedophile. He had cried that night, gut wrenching sobs, as he told her how much the boy looked like his son and how the perp had mutilated the boy before killing him. The cases about kids always tore at their hearts harder and deeper. Olivia wished she could be there for him, to just sit beside him, or hold him or let him cry on her shoulder. But she could not take that chance anymore. Her feelings for him were so strong, she knew she could not trust herself to be with him in such a vulnerable state.

He did not call every day, but some days he would call two or three times. The times varied but mostly were late at night or early in the morning, most likely when he was having trouble sleeping. Each trip home she would keep the tape with the messages he had left, and put a new one in so he could continue leaving them. She figured it must be like some type of therapy for him and she wanted to help him anyway she could, since she could not trust herself to actually be near him.

In some screwed up way, it was therapy for her as well. As she sat in her living room listening to his voice, she would close her eyes and pretend he was right there, just like on Christmas. She could almost feel his arms around her, the heat of his body, and his warm breath blowing in her hair as he talked. She would laugh at his jokes, smile at some of his stories, listen intently to others, and sob along with him as he recounted horrifying details of a case. One night when she had been at home, he called. She had fallen asleep on the couch, reading and was awakened by the ringing of the phone. It was 1:25 in the morning.

The answering machine picked up on the fifth ring. "This is Liv. You know the drill. Leave a message and I'll catch you later! Bye!" Beep.

"Liv...hey, it's me. Again. I know it's late...can't sleep...are you sleeping? I hope so. You know," he laughed softly, "if anyone told me I would ever be calling your home hoping to get your answering machine, I'd have told them they were crazy."

She sat there thinking just that. I mean, you call hoping to talk to someone, not leave a message.

"But, really, I am the crazy one. I call some...sometimes and don't leave a message...I just...I just wait...to hear your voice. " He sighed loudly. "It's been so long, Liv...and I...I need to hear your voice. It's such a beautiful sound to me...like music...like a song to my heart."

She rolled her eyes, even as tears began to sting them, at his attempt to be poetic. So not Elliot.

"Hey! Don't roll your eyes at me! I'm trying to be romantic here...you know, sweep you off your feet. Make myself totally irresistible...so maybe...y-you will come back to me. I miss you so much...if you were here, I would hold you and never let you go again...Liv..." He choked up.

She laughed and then just as quickly the tears spilled over and down her face. She heard him cough and sniffle for just a minute. He cleared his throat.

"Alright, don't go crying just because I am." He sniffled again. "You probably think I have totally lost it...don't you? Yea, me too...teetering on the edge of insanity..."

She cocked her eyebrow as she wondered had he, indeed, slipped over the edge.

"I can just see your left eyebrow jacked up in disbelief at all I am saying...wondering if I am ready for the psych ward...you know...I'd let them put me there, if that would make you come and see me...what I wouldn't do, Liv, to just talk to you right now...Olivia, I...I...just need to talk to you, baby...why won't you talk to me...just talk...let me hear your voice..."

There ought to be a law against someone knowing another person so well. Elliot Stabler could predict her every action and every thought from the other end of a one sided telephone call. How wicked weird could a relationship get. It was almost frightening, even to her. Yet, it was the epitome of their partnership, their friendship, their bond. So, enmeshed were their minds and hearts, they could not tell where one ended and the other began, so, it stood to reason their thought process was in almost perfect sync.

She could not endure his heart breaking pleas any longer. As he wanted to talk to him as desperately as he wanted to talk to her. Against her better judgement, she picked up the phone.

"Elliot?!" Her voice quickened as her heart did the same.

"Liv? Is that really you? I'm dreaming, right? Tell me I'm not dreaming!" He could barely speak.

"It's me...I...miss you, too, El." Whispering was all she could do with the lump in her throat.

"Baby...baby, how are you doing...really?" His breathing was loud and fast.

"I'm okay. What about you? You haven't punched anyone out, have you?" She laughed.

"Just a couple of lockers." He laughed, too. "You aren't staying at your place are you?"

"Sometimes. But mostly with friend." She said cautiously.

"Friend? Who?" He wondered if it could be Lake or Dean, but he was not going to ask.

"El...I don't want you to know where I am staying...we don't need to see each other...it's too...too..." She trailed off trying to think of a word to describe it.

"Complicated." He said, with a slightly amused tone, using her favorite word to describe them.

She laughed and agreed. "Yes...very complicated."

"Liv...it doesn't have to be...we both feel the same way...you are my air, Liv, my life. I can't keep..." He wanted to explain it all to her.

"Elliot, don't...please...hearing you say things like that only...only make things harder...hurt...more..." Her voice broke and she could not continue speaking.

She felt the lump come back to her throat and before she could stop herself she was crying. She tried to be as quiet as she could. It broke his heart. He couldn't take it. He had to see her.

"Liv, I'm coming over. I'll be there in 20 minutes." He was already pulling on sweats.

"No! Elliot, don't come. We can't see each other...not right now." She begged.

"I'm on the way." The call was lost because he had disconnected.

No. She could not see him. Not now. Not alone. Not at her apartment. Quickly grabbing her things, she stuffed them in the duffle bag, picked up her keys and coat and ran. Luckily, a cab was sitting at the corner of her street and in minutes she was on the way back to Casey's.

Elliot knew she would not be there. He did not know why he left the house at this time of the night to go to her apartment. Yes, he did. On the outside chance that maybe, just maybe she would have stayed. He knocked and knocked. He called her name over and over. He called her cell and her home phone. He listened, ear to the door, but heard nothing. She was gone. If he still had her key, he would have gone in to check for sure. That had been a week and a half ago. It might as well have been a lifetime to Elliot.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Two weeks into her new job, she had been engrossed in tracking a suspected hacker as he attempted to compromise several financial sites, when he cell rang. It hardly rang anymore, since Elliot quit calling. She pulled it out and read the caller ID. Maureen. Her eyebrow cocked as she flipped the phone open to answer.

"Benson." Force of habit, she supposed.

"Liv, hey. It's Maureen."

"Hey, sweetie. How are you? Anything wrong?"

"No, no. I'm fine. How are you liking your new job?

How did she know about her new job? "It's good. Interesting. Regular hours most of the time. Nothing like SVU."

"You hate it, don't you?"

She laughed at the question. "I don't hate it...it's just not...not me...SVU is in my blood. So, what's up?"

"Does anything have to be up for me to call?" She asked so sweetly.

"No...but it usually is...so let's hear it." Laughing at her feigned sweetness.

"What happened between you and Dad?" Now her voice was serious.

"What do you mean?" Liv was instantly defensive.

"Liv, I'm not a little girl anymore. I know you and Dad have this whatever and I know something is wrong between you because he has done nothing but mope around for the last two weeks. He seems so sad, like he's lost his best friend." She laughed at her analogy. "Has he?"

The words stabbed Live's heart. "I'll always be his friend and I appreciate your concern, Maureen, but what goes on between your Dad and me, is just that...between your Dad and me. I can't help how he is acting."

"Yes, you can! Talk to him!

"I can't. Not right now. Listen, I need to get to work. I'll talk to you later, Mar."

She hated to think of Elliot's despair. She had enough of her own. She halfway wondered if Elliot put her up to that...no...and Maureen would never do that, not even for her Dad.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Elliot could not believe that three weeks ago today, Monday, January 21, she had started her new job in Computer Crimes. Just over three weeks since she left him alone again. Some days he truly thought he would not make it through the day. Thursday, the 24th was her birthday. That will be a really tough day for him. The shrill ring of his desk phone brought him out of his daydream and back to the present.

"Special Victims Unit, Detective Stabler." He leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on his desk.

"Elliot. Paul Carman. I was wondering if you and Kathy would be free to come in Tuesday or Wednesday. I have the papers ready and I am scheduled to be in court so I can work you in for an appearance on either of those days." Carman was the attorney handling the divorce.

"Uh...I'm good for it, but I'll have to check with Kathy. Why do we have to go to court again? What papers? I thought we took care of everything a couple of weeks ago." He was frowning, a bit puzzled over the request.

"These are the final papers. It will be a brief appearance before the judge and once he signs them, you will have your final decree and judgment of divorce in your hand, and that's it, you will be officially divorced." Carman explained.

That explanation got Elliot's attention and he sat up straight in his chair. "What? What do you mean final decree? How? We were told it would take at least six months and up to a year or longer." He found he was having trouble breathing because his heart had begun to pound so hard.

"Didn't Leaned call you?" Leaned was his secretary. "Elliot, you nor Kathy ever stopped the divorce proceedings from last January. I did not realized this until I went to file the papers last week. The clerk told me all that was needed was the signed final papers, that you would never sign before and you could come before the judge and get your divorce."

Elliot was so overwhelmed, he was speechless. He opened his mouth a couple of times but no words came forth. After several moments, the attorney spoke again.

"Elliot? You still there? He asked.

"Uh...yea...yea, I'm here. I did sign those papers...Kathy must not have turned them in before she...before we got back together. So, are you telling me that once we go to court Tuesday or Wednesday, we will be divorced?" He was in shock over what he had just been told.

"Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. So, talk to Kathy and let me know which day." He said.

"No! I don't need to call her...we'll be there tomorrow. Tell me when." He quickly answered.

"2:15 is my first open slot." Carman told him.

"Great. 2:15. See you then." Elliot hung up the phone and just sat there staring at it.

He kept waiting for someone or something to wake him up, laugh and tell him this was only a dream. Or a nightmare. Because that is what it would be if he found out it was not true. Or was someone playing a cruel joke? He shook his head, as if that would clear it. He could not believe he was going to be a free man. Tomorrow. In less than twenty-four hours he would be single. He could go to Olivia and actually have something to offer her. They could finally be together. He could take her in his arms and hold her and kiss her. He could be with her and hold her hand in public. He could shout in front of the whole NYPD that he loved Olivia Benson. And no one could have anything to say about it. Not anymore!

- - - - - - - - - - -

Tuesday, January 22, 3:52 p.m. Elliot and Kathy left the courthouse. They were no longer man and wife. They were free. They stood staring at each other, papers in hand.

"Kathy, we've spent over half our lives together...you gave me five beautiful children...I'll always be here for you, love you. You know this was the right thing to do..." He wished there was an easy way to walk away from his wife...ex-wife, his marriage, his life.

"El, don't. We did the right thing trying again and it didn't work and we did the right thing today, too. A part of me will always love you...but we both need to make new lives, okay? And I think you know what you need to do...who you need to see...she will let you, now." She smiled, gave him a hug and a kiss and ran down the steps of the court building.

He watched her go, as tears came to his eyes. He brushed them away, thinking about his next course of action. He knew just where he needed to go right now.

- - - - - - - - - -

Captain Cragen looked up as Elliot knocked on his open office door. "Cap, can I talk to you for minute." He had a serious look on his face.

"Sure, Elliot. What's up?" Cragen laid the report he had been reading down on his desk and sat up straight, somewhat concerned by Elliot's demeanor.

Elliot opened his jacked and pulled out the legal papers, handing them to his Captain. Not sure what to expect, Cragen tried to read his face as he took them. He opened them slowly and began to read. A slight smile began to fill his face. He folded the papers up and handed them back to Elliot who was grinning from ear to ear.

"Where's she staying?" He could barely contain his excitement.

"Casey's." The Captain's eyes were twinkling and a full fledged smile graced his face now.

"I knew it!" Elliot laughed. "I knew it!"

"Elliot...take care of her. Don't hurt her anymore than you already have...or you'll have to contend with me. Are we clear?" His voice was firm, the smile gone.

"As a bell, Sir!" He gave the Captain a mock salute and opened door to leave. He stopped and turned around. "Don...thank you." He grinned and ran out of the precinct.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Olivia and Casey were relaying the details of their work day to each other. Liv was sitting on the sofa and Casey in the overstuffed chair. She thought Casey seemed distracted. What she did not know was that Elliot called Casey just before she got off, told her about the divorce and was on his way to the apartment. The plan was to keep Liv at the apartment until he got there, then she would leave to give them privacy.

A soft knock at the door had Casey jumping up from the chair, putting on her jacket and picking up her pocketbook.

"Gotta a date you failed to tell me about?" Liv asked, her face scrunched up, puzzled at her actions.

"No. But you do." Casey grinned at her as she opened the door. "Goodnight, Liv." She smiled at Elliot and gave him a high five as she left.

Just beyond the open door stood Elliot. He was grinning that infamous Stabler smile. He had on all black...jeans, shirt, tie and leather jacket. Her favorite outfit on him. Well, one of her favorite outfits on him. He was so handsome, so...so...Elliot. And he was there.

Liv was in shock. Her eyes wide as saucers, her mouth open, eyebrows raised. These were things he could see. Know. What he did not know was how fast her heart was beating. He couldn't feel how hard it was to breath. He could not hear the blood rushing to her head, making her feel faint. Or was that just him making her feel that way.

"What are you doing here?" She was standing now, staring at him like she had seen a ghost.

He looked her over. She was dressed in dark green running pants that had a navy blue stripe down the legs and a white t-shirt and white socks. No matter what she wore, no mater if she had on make-up or not, day or night, he found her to be absolutely gorgeous. He could not wait to hold her, kiss him, let her know that she was his, he was hers.

"I had to see you. You gonna let me in? Or we just gonna keep standing here?" He was cocky, as ever.

She stood there speechless, unable to move or think. She was not sure she was even breathing.

"Liv?" He questioned, as he motioned toward the living room.

Was this deja vu? This conversation seemed familiar.

"Come in. Why are you here? I told you we couldn't see each other. It's not a good idea." She did not want to look him in the eye because she was afraid if she did, she would run and jump in his arms. And if he touched her... It was so good to see him again, to hear him. She was so going to kill Casey.

"I needed to see you. To give you something." He pulled a long, thin box beautifully wrapped in bright blue paper, the same blue color of his eyes, with a lacy white ribbon around it, from behind his back.

"Elliot...you didn't have to..." She looked at his crystal blue eyes, twinkling in the light and knew he was in a great mood.

"Yes. Yes, I did. Call it a late Christmas present. Or early birthday present." His grin seemed to get bigger with each passing minute.

Slowly, she slid the bow from around the box, then began peeling the blue paper away. She opened the lid and unfolded several layers of tissue paper. She lifted the 'gift' out of the box and unfolded it. The paper began to shake violently as her hands trembled with the emotion that was about to overtake her at any minute.

"Final Decree and Judgment of Divorce. Stabler vs. Stabler." She had no time to really react before Elliot had put his hands over her shaking ones and scooped her into his arms, holding her close, whispering to her. Tear poured from her eyes. And his.

"It's over, Liv. It took me and Kathy a long time to admit it, but we knew it had to be over. It's been over for years, we just refused to see it. Olivia, I'm a free man. Single. I can date, be with anyone I want. The only one I want, is you, Liv. Just you. Only you. Do you want me? Will you have me?" He kissed the top of her head, still holding her tightly to him.

Her voice was strangled with emotion, her head buried in his chest. "El...El...if you only knew how I have dreamed of this...yes! You know I want you!"

Pulling her away from him, just far enough that he could look into her eyes, he leaned down and kissed her. It was soft and gentle. He felt her relax, lean into him and melt around him. He felt this missing piece of his being, slide into place. How he loved this woman! She broke the kiss and pulled away from him, wiping at her tears.

"I have something for you, too. I'll be just a second." She ran to the bedroom.

She returned, digging through her pocketbook. As she pulled out the gold box with the red bow, he started laughing.

"So, what? Were you waiting for me to give you a gift before you gave me mine?" He took the box she held out for him.

"No...I was going to give it to you way before Christmas and then everything started getting so messed up between us, I couldn't give it to you..." She was staring at the box in his hands.

"Couldn't? Why?" He asked, his blue eyes darkening with concern.

"Open it and you'll understand..." She watched him closely, eager to see his reaction when he opened it.

He untied the red bow, lift the lid and saw the contents of the box. As he stood there silently staring at the small piece of brass, a single tear slid down his cheek.

"It's the key to my apartment...you already have the key to my heart." She wrapped her hand around his head bring him down so she could kiss him.

"I know." He was having a hard time talking. "I mean, I know it's to your apartment, not that I know I have the key to your heart..."

"It's really not much, I mean, it didn't cost much and..." She trailed off not sure what she was trying to say.

"Cost doesn't equal worth. It's priceless, Liv. It means everything." He pulled her close again and just held her.

The key was symbolic. It meant she trusted him again with her home, her life, her heart. It meant he was a part of all those things once again. This time he was not going to mess it up.

"Well...as long as we are doing gifts, uh...I have another one for you." He reached around his back and brought another box from his back jean pocket. Wrapped in dark green patterned paper with a deep wine colored bow, it was longer than the first one but not quite as wide. Grabbing her hand, he walked over to the couch and sat, bringing her down beside him.

"So, is this Christmas or birthday?" She asked, smiling as she took the box and began unwrapping it.

"It's whatever you want it to be..." His eyes, shining with the love he felt for her, he pushed her bangs out of her face.

When she opened it, she started laughing. Then he started laughing and within seconds they were hysterical. Just like that day at My-Lings. They laughed until they were crying and their sides aching. Finally, they calmed down and he was able to speak.

"Read the inscriptions, Liv." He had an arm around her, his hand loosely hanging over her shoulder. "Read them out loud."

She held one up and read it. "What's mine is yours. What's your is mine." Then she picked the other one up, reading it, too. "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

He took the gold-plated engraved chopsticks from her and turned them over. "The first one is kind of a joke...you know, about me spearing your chicken...what's yours is mine and mine is yours...and the second one, is an old Chinese proverb...and...well, that's us, Liv. Two bodies, one soul...I guess that's why we don't know where we stop and the other begins." He hugged her to him.

She smiled, turned her head for a kiss. "They are perfect, Elliot. And, so...so...us. Where did you find them?"

"My-Lings." He grinned at her, looking into her beautiful brown eyes.

Yes. They were perfect. My-Lings, their favorite food, favorite restaurant.

"Got anymore presents for me?" She kidded with him.

"Hamm...depends...on what you mean?" His hands framed her face as he placed small kisses on her cheeks, her chin, her eyes.

She pushed him a way. "Elliot! Well, I have one more thing..." She left the room and returned with a box almost identical to the first one she had given him except for the wrapping. It was red with white ribbon tied around it.

"Another key? You gave me the apartment key, said I have the key to your heart...is this to your new car?" Teasing her, he slowly opened this last gift.

"No key...but it will be useful, I think." Her gaze was locked on him as he took the lid off.

Watching him as he opened the gift, she was amazed at the depth of love she had for this man. Never in her life did she think she could love someone so deeply, so completely. Surely, she never thought he would love her back the same way. But he did. She saw it in his eyes, the way he looked at her. She felt it in his touch, the way the connection between them ran through her body like it was in her blood. It was. He was not just in her blood. He was her blood. He was her life. And now he was beside her, free, and he wanted to be hers. Their friendship and whatever this thing was between them, was restored. Her heart was about to burst with happiness. She was so going to hug and thank Casey.

"Useful? Little bit of romance, huh?" He smiled and lifted the gift from the box.

"It's called a Celtic knot. The ancient designs had spiritually significant meaning, but they've been lost over the ages. The continual looping of the designs are themes of eternity and interconnectedness." She explained. "The knots have no beginning and no end...just like us." Her voice had become very soft, full of emotion.

She was looking down, tracing the design as he held the key ring in his hand, her left hand cupping his underneath. He could not bring himself to talk. His throat ached from the lump that had settled in it.

"I had it engraved." Her voice was barely a whisper.

He was watching her fingers trace the ring. He slowly looked us at her, then turned it over to see the inscription. As he silently read it, he nearly choked on the sob that he refused to release. He took his other hand and put it against her face, turning her to him. Tears were shimmering in her eyes and her beautiful face blurred as his own tears fell down his cheeks. Pulling her to him as he leaned toward her, he captured her lips once again, this time softly and reverently.

When he pulled away, he held the key ring up and read out loud the words she had engraved upon it.

"Where one ends, the other begins - Elliot & Olivia for Eternity - All My Love - Liv"

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The End...

Deep sigh...

Rolling of eyes...

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A/N: Thanks to all of you who read, and read and reviewed my story. Hope you liked the ending. To all of you who signed up just to review, I am humbled and honored. Keep an eye out. I will try this again...but I may have a bit of break. So watch for my return. Should I make a sequel...or let it 'be over'? Or should I try another story...I have a few ideas floating around in the deep, dark recesses of my mind. It's been a trip! Thank you for making my first try at writing a very enjoyable, uplifting experience! " ) Bensler


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